I had a deep wave of emotion hit me yesterday that I couldn’t explain… until later…
As you know, yesterday was Mother’s Day, and, as I sat there having a delicious Chinese meal with my mom, husband and children, I had a wave of emotion flood over me, and I couldn’t explain why until I thought about it later that night.
See, we weren’t wealthy growing up. As a matter of fact, there were times when we really struggled, and I remember overhearing arguments about money, how there wasn’t any, and what my parents were going to do to make ends meet, pay the rent and put food on the table.
Fights were not uncommon growing up, and I remember many nights praying in my bed at night, quiet tears streaming out the side of my eyes and onto my pillow, silently begging God to please make things better, to have my parents get along, and to please make the yelling stop. I just wanted to feel safe!
When things weren’t so bad, we could splurge a little. That often meant ordering Chinese food for dinner, and it was such a treat!
I remember the smell of the special fried rice filling our dining room, the taste of the salty soy sauce I would always put too much of on my rice, and the feeling that we were going to be okay as we ate and smiled at one another across the dinner table, silently hoping that moment would never end — not just the delicious food, but the peace — the fact that, for this moment, there was no fighting, only joy.
Fast forward 40-something years, and here I was, sitting at a table with my mom, husband, and my two boys. We were laughing and enjoying some tasty special fried rice, and an unexpected wave of emotion created a ball in my throat and tears in my eyes that caught me by surprise.
Why am I crying? Everything is okay… more than okay…
It wasn’t until later that night, on the drive home, that it hit me why I felt so emotional.
See, I made a decision 30 years ago that I was going to have a different life than the one I grew up seeing. I would live a life of love and peace. If I chose to marry and have children, they would never know what it was like to cry themselves to sleep over problems that weren’t theirs to solve or praying for the fighting to stop.
Moving forward, the history of of broken homes and hearts would come to an end, and I would write a new story — one where my past and the past of my ancestors would not determine my future or the future of my children and their children.
I did a lot of spiritual and personal development work to heal, transform, and recreate myself over the years. And, now, as I ate at this table, I was seeing the evidence of that promise I made to myself having been kept. And it was beautiful!
My kids don’t have to cover their ears to not hear yelling.
They don’t have to worry if they are safe and if they’re going to be okay.
They get to live in a house where love and peace are present every day and their needs — physical and emotional — are abundantly met.
They know their parents love one another and them.
My kids are safe and they feel safe.
There is no greater gift I could give them or receive for Mother’s Day. This is the life I always dreamed of for myself and them!
I don’t know if you experienced fighting, violence, addiction or any other kind of traumatic experiences growing up. I don’t know if you are seeing history being repeated in your home, or if the life you are living is not the one you set out to create for yourself.
What I do know is that one of the BEST gifts we can give ourselves and our families is that of breaking the chains of the past; leaving the past behind, where it belongs; and creating a life worth living! One overflowing with peace, and happiness, and love!
If you are not living the story you want for yourself and your children (whether you have them now or you hope to have them in the future), then I’m inviting you to schedule a Love Breakthrough Session.
On this call, we will take a look at what your ultimate goals are when it comes to love and relationships, what some of the barriers to having that kind of love are, and I will give you some concrete steps you can begin to follow now so that you can create the loving relationship you want.
You can’t rewrite history, but you CAN create a new future for yourself that is completely free from the past or anything else that may be stopping you from experiencing the love, happiness, and fulfillment you want.
No matter what happened in your past, if you aren’t living in the happy, loving relationship of your dreams, something is in the way! Let’s find out what it is and remove it so that you can finally have and live in the relationship you have always wanted!
It’s one of the most vulnerable feelings in the world!
And I have to admit that I do not like feeling that way… at all!
So, it goes without saying that the last couple of weeks – between prepping for, living through, and cleaning up after Hurricane Irma –have been a bit challenging, to say the least.
(Before I go on, I just want to say that, if you or your loved ones were affected by the storm – or any of the storms and natural disasters that have been impacting us lately – know that you are in Michelle’s and my prayers and that we hope you are safe and that you have not experienced too much damage or displacement.)
Going through the storm brought up so many fears and anxieties.
There is something about the feeling of helplessness that comes with not knowing what to expect, what is coming next, whether what you have done to prepare is enough, and what will happen to the people you love and your possessions.
I spent days running around, going from store to store, looking for the most basic things, like water, only to find that the shelves were bare, no one could tell me when a new shipment would arrive, and wondering if what we had at home was enough. It was so scary to see that some of the things I was taking for granted would be there when I got to the store were gone and not knowing whether I would be able to get the things I knew I needed to take care of my family.
Then came the actual storm – the howling wind; the terrifying alarm on our weather radio, letting us know that there was yet another tornado in the area, and the sound of the trees in our backyard cracking and crashing to the ground.
And, all the while, there were the fearful thoughts:
What do I do? Have I done enough?
How long will this last?
Will we be okay?
What’s interesting is that those feelings of helplessness don’t only come up around nature’s storms.
You feel them during life’s storms, too.
When you’re going through a breakup…
When you keep attracting and experiencing heartache after heartache…
When you see your relationship is falling apart…
Those same feelings of fear, uncertainty, and wondering whether what you have done is enough to prevent further pain and disappointment is enough fill us and can shake us to our core.
So, what can you do during life’s storms to not have fear and anxiety take over and rob you of your peace and happiness?
1. Stay present. I know this one is sometimes easier said than done, but it is the FIRST step in reducing fear and anxiety. Why? Because fear is always a “future experience.” While you may be afraid of repeating something that happened in the past, the fact is that what you fear is that it will happen again, in the future.
What’s more, fear is never “real.” It is only ever an imagined thought.
Now, hear me out on this. Am I saying that what you fear will never happen?
No.
What I am saying is that 99.999% of the time, the thing that you fear and/or are anxious about isn’t something that is actually happening right now, in the present moment. Instead, your thoughts are about what you are afraid may or may not happen in the future.
The problem with this is that, while you are imagining something that may or may not happen in the future, you are allowing it to rob you of your peace in the present.
So, the only way to interrupt the fearful thought pattern is to remind yourself that here and now, in the present moment, you are safe and the thing that you are thinking of is not actually happening.
This practice is life-changing.
Left unattended, fearful thoughts will rob you of your peace, of your ability to appreciate and experience what you DO have, and block future happiness – and love – from making its way to you.
This is why developing a powerful and empowering relationship with your fears is one of the first things we teach our clients when they begin working with us.
Imagine how incredibly empowering it would be to learn how to distinguish, dismantle, and replace a fear in 60 seconds or less!
As I said: Life-Changing!
2. Focus on what you CAN control.During the storm, there were many things I could not control – the force, sound, or direction of the wind; the path the storm was taking, the power going out or coming back on.
There were, however, many things I WAS able to control: Making sure our home was safe; ensuring we had enough food, water, and ice; being calm and strong for my kids.
Similarly, during life’s storms, there are things you can’t control, such as whether or not someone calls you or asks you out on a second date; how your partner chooses to feel; what your guy wants to say or do.
However, there are many things you can control, such as your thoughts, words, actions and reactions; what you allow to upset or trigger you; the feelings and thoughts you choose to have and how you choose to express them.
When you begin focusing your time, energy, and attention on the things you CAN control, you begin to feel more peaceful, confident, and empowered. You are not at the mercy of the storm. Instead, you get to choose how you will navigate through it with dignity, ease, and grace.
3. Ask for and receive help.This is another one that can be difficult, especially for powerful, successful women. You’re used to being strong, the one in charge, the one people come to for help and answers to their questions. Asking for help makes you feel vulnerable, because you can make it mean that you’re not strong or capable enough to do things on your own. You fear that the vulnerability may be interpreted as weakness or incompetence.
However, quite the opposite is true!
It takes so much courage, authenticity, and inner strength to reach out for help. It takes even more of these to accept and receive the help.
I can’t tell you how many people I offered to come stay with us so they could have air-conditioning once our power came back, to take the water we had left over when they shared that they were under a boil-water order, and to use our generator when their power was still out. What I can tell you is that every one of these offers was not accepted at least once!
I heard responses like, “I’m used to toughing things out,” “I’m okay with sacrificing,” “Don’t worry about me. I’ll figure something out” – even after a week of not having power or being able to drink or use the tap water!
And so many powerful women do the same thing during life’s storms!
You don’t reach out for help or support so that you won’t seem weak.
You believe that struggling and “suffering” through the heartache is somehow “noble” or makes you stronger.
You deny help and support because you feel as if you “should be able to figure this ‘relationship thing’ out on my own.”
And, so, the suffering, pain, and heartache persist – many times for much longer than is necessary – when, instead you could turn the situation around, end the suffering, and begin enjoying the love and happiness much, much sooner, which is what youreally want.
There’s no honor or glory in unnecessary martyrdom or sacrificing.
Instead, reach within, acknowledge that you could use some help, a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear, the right guidance to help you get to the other side of the storm with the results your heart desires.
Life’s storms will come. You don’t have much choice in that… That part’s not “optional.”
What you can choose is to face the storm with peace of mind and heart, strength, and the commitment to get to the other side of it.
What is optional is whether or not you make the time you spend in the eye of the storm peaceful, short-lived, and empowering.
I know what my choice is!
Let me know if there is any way I can support you with yours!
I don’t know if you’re anything like me, but, when I feel there is a problem, I like to do anything I can to resolve it as quickly as possible.
This problem-solving skill serves me well when it comes to helping my clients get through difficult situations in their love lives and relationships. It’s also served me well as a businesswoman.
It doesn’t, however, always serve me well when it comes to my relationship with my husband.
See, what many women don’t realize is that while women’s brains are wired to almost instantaneously think, feel, and say what we are thinking and feeling, men’s brains are not. In fact, the female brain has 7 areas that connect feelings, emotions and words, while the male brain has 2 areas that are wired in this manner.
Now, that doesn’t mean that woman are any better or smarter than men. Our brains are wired differently for a reason.
Think about it… Men, at their origin, were hunters. If they did not kill the prey, the entire tribe would go hungry and die. They had to have laser-like focus. Feelings and emotions could not cloud their judgment. They had to think about one thing and one thing alone: getting food for the tribe.
The reason it’s important to know and understand this is because, if you’re like many women, when there is an issue concerning your relationship, you want to “talk” about it, and you want him to want to talk about them NOW!
Your man, on the other hand, may not want or be able to talk about it right at this moment, and, again, if you’re like many women, you may find yourself making this mean something about him and how he feels about the relationship.
For example, you may think to yourself:
If he really cared about me or us, he’d want to resolve this as soon as possible.
He obviously cares more about his work (or whatever he is doing) than me.
This relationship is clearly not a priority for him. Otherwise he would drop what he was doing and deal with this NOW.
Sound familiar?
I know it does to me!
In the past, when there was a problem in our relationship, I would want to discuss it, right here, right now, and then be shocked when my husband would say, “I don’t want to talk about this right now.”
Then things would go something like this:
Me: (In my head) What? Doesn’t he see how important this is? Clearly he doesn’t see how important this is!
Me: (Out of my mouth) But we need to discuss this. It’s important.
Him: I get that it’s important, but I don’t want to talk about it right now.
Me: (In my head) I can’t believe he doesn’t care about us!
Then I would proceed to keep emphasizing how important this was and how we needed to talk and how it couldn’t wait, and (you get the picture)… until, finally, he would blow up at me and storm out of the room, and then I’d really feel as if he didn’t care!
And that would lead to hours (and, sometimes, days) of stone-cold silence, anger, and unnecessary pain – for both of us.
The truth is that he did care. He does care. (And so does your guy!)
What happens, is that men need a little more time to process the information, especially when a slew of emotionally-charged information is being thrown at them.
What’s happening when your guy is not ready to talk about something is that he is processing the information he’s been given, or he is focused on something else that is important (not necessarily “more important” than you, which is what you may be making it mean), and he needs some time to process and get his thoughts together so that he can focus on the issue at hand before he can talk about it.
So, what do you do when there is something you want to discuss and your guy isn’t ready to talk right now?
1. Respect his preference.
I know it’s hard. This one can still be hard for me. Even this past weekend, my husband had to repeat to me that he didn’t want to talk about something before I could hear him. In the past, I would get upset because I felt ignored and uncared for. Now, I get that when he’s saying he doesn’t want to talk and I keep pressuring him to talk, he’s also feeling ignored and unheard, and this means that any conversation that takes place right then and there is probably not going to lead to a resolution.
2. Remind yourself that “not now” does not mean “never.”
One of the reasons I would panic and keep insisting on getting my husband to talk was because I feared that we would “never” discuss it, and that worried me. That fear and anxiety triggered my need to try to control the conversation (and him), which just led to him resisting the conversation (and me) even more. Now I remind myself that “not now” actually means “later,” not never, which helps me to calm down, step back, and allow both of us space to calm down and gather our thoughts so that, when we do talk, it leads to a win-win for us.
I will also say something like, “I understand that you don’t want to talk right now, and I respect that. Please know that I’m here when you’re ready to talk.” Sometimes we’ll even set a time to talk (after the kids go to bed, for example) so that we know that the conversation will, indeed happen.
3. Focus on something else.
I’ve found that focusing on something else – like going for a run, reading a book, playing a “mind-numbing” game on my phone, listening to something inspirational, or drawing – help me busy my mind so that I’m not hyper-focused on when the conversation will happen or what it will be like. By taking care of myself and my needs, I can control the only side of things that is ever mine to control: me. This allows me to relax, feel empowered, and not come from an emotionally-charged place when we finally do have the conversation.
4. Talk to someoneelse.
Talking to someone else – a girlfriend, sister, or your relationship coach – is also a great way to sort and work through your thoughts and feelings before speaking with your guy. Now, I will add a caveat here. It’s important that you be very selective when you choose who you are going to talk to about your relationship. Make sure that it is someone who is standing for your relationship to work, not someone who is going to bash your guy, take your side, or give you relationship or communication advice that is not for your highest good. If your friend is not in a happy, loving relationship, she may not be the best person to turn to. You want to share with someone who is going to love and support you and have you show up in your best light. This is where having a good relationship coach can make all the difference.
Otherwise, you’ll just be getting “advice,” and advice is usually shared from the other person’s own fears and doubts, as well as her patterns. Coaching, on the other hand provides you with the exact steps you can take to speak with love, be fully in your power, and seeking a win-win solution.That way, when you finally do have the conversation, you are not just talking about something that happened or needs to be resolved, but you are talking for something (resolution, peace, and the highest good for both of you in the relationship).
I know it’s not always easy to hit the “pause” button and not resolve something that is on your heart and mind.Uncertainty can trigger fear and sometimes fear gets the best of us and begin trying to push to try to get something to happen, rather than stepping back and allowing things to come together peacefully and naturally.
However, I promise you that if you follow these 4 steps, not only will that eventual conversation be a lot more peaceful, but you will also feel so much more empowered and connected to your guy when you know that you are coming together at the right time as partners seeking the best outcome, versus “enemies” seeking to prove their own point or get their own “win.” Because, by default, when only one person “wins” in a conversation or argument, the other person must “lose.” And, where there is true partnership, a win-win is always the best outcome.
So…
Take a deep breath…
Take a step back…
Follow these steps…
And reach out to me if you have any questions or want some support regarding having more loving, peaceful, and connected communication with your partner. You can eithersend me an emailorclick here to schedule time to talk.
There’s a real problem affecting women – especially smart, successful women like you – and it pushes good men away.
See, there’s something that many powerful women don’t realize that they are doing to self-sabotage their relationships. And the energy being given off by doing this is like “relationship kryptonite”!
What is it?
It’s leaking masculine energy in the form of control!
Now, before you bounce off the page or get triggered, let me explain, because, if you’re not in a happy, intimate relationship right now, and you knew you could learn what you can stop doing to sabotage your love life and happiness, isn’t that worth just a few minutes of your time?
Here’s the deal.
More than anything, a good man – the kind of man who is interested in loving, supporting, and spending his life with an amazing woman like you – wants one thing more than anything else. (And, no, it’s not sex!)
See, one of a good man’s greatest superpowers is his need to make the woman that he cares about happy. Honestly, it’s like a drug he can’t get enough of when he sees that you are smiling and he knows that hehad something to do with the smile on your face!
Now, perhaps you don’t believe me, especially if this hasn’t been your experience with men – or the man you’re with.
However, consider that there may be somethings you’re doing to either attract the kind of man who isn’t interested in making you happy, or you may subconsciously and unintentionally saying and doing things that stop him from being able to make you happy.
It’s true. Many of the things you are doing to kill a man’s desire to make you happy are happening subconsciously.
This means you’re not even aware of what you’re doing to self-sabotage your relationships!
And that’s why, unless you learn exactly what is pushing away a man’s desire to be with and please you, it’s virtually impossible for you to stop doing it so that you can turn things around in your love life and have the kind of relationship you really want!
Thesubconscious ways women sabotagetheir romantic relationships and what to do instead
Thekey steps you can take to remain in your powerand still get the love you want
Theeffortless ways you can draw a man, his attention and affection to youso that you can feel deeply connected to him
As a smart, successful woman, you know that getting what you want means, not only knowing exactly what to do, but how to get it in the easiest, most effective way! And that’s exactly what I’m going to teach you on this online class, so make sure you grab your spot now!
You can’t change something you can’t see. If you’re not in the happy, loving relationship you truly want, and you want to learn the fastest, most effortless way to have that, make sure you join us for this online class!
I’ll admit it. Today’s video took a little bit of courage to make, because I’m sharing something I’m not very proud of that happened between my husband and me.
The moment I said it, I regretted it!
I felt it was important to share it, however, because any relationship, no matter how good it is, has it’s ups and downs. The key is knowing what to do when you slip!
So, as uncomfortable as this was to share, if it helps you to create more love and intimacy in your relationship – even after an argument – it’s worth it!
Remember: While our relationships aren’t “perfect,” they can still be great!
And, by the way, I’d love to hear from YOU!
If you have a question about love and communication that you’d like answered, send me an email (gladys@heartsdesireintl.com) or leave me a comment below, and I’ll make sure I personally respond to you!
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