When working with clients, there are sometimes “themes” that come up during our conversations. What’s interesting about this is that the ladies are all different ages, in different stages of life and relationships – single, dating, in a committed relationship, or married – and living in different parts of the world. Yet, during our sessions these recurring themes begin to emerge.
One theme that has come up recently is that of wanting to know how things are going to turn out.
Whether you’re a single woman who is wary about going on a second date with the man you met online because you’re not sure if it’s going to work out, or you’re in a long-term relationship and wondering if he will eventually ask you to marry him, or you’re ready to make changes in yourself because you wants to transform the relationship you have with your husband, you’re probably asking yourself the same question:
How do I know if things are going to work out?
If you’ve asked yourself that question, know that there’s actually a fear behind it:
The fear that it won’t work out the way you hope it will.
See, every time you go out on another date or you’re with your boyfriend, wondering if he’s going to propose, you’re hoping that this is it. That you’ve finally met the one with whom you’ll share your life.
And, inside, you’re terrified that he might not be.
If you’re in a relationship or married, and you’ve finally come to the point where you realize that if there is going to be a change in this relationship, it’s going to start with you and the way you choose to treat and respond to your man, you’re also hoping that all of these changes you’re making will lead you back to that happy place you once knew together.
And, inside, you’re terrified that they won’t.
The first thing to realize is that the fear that you are feeling is normal.
When it comes to love and relationships, there simply are no guarantees.
Opening your heart to another human being, who, by the way, has his own hopes, fears, and insecurities, means being willing to take the risk that things might not turn out the way you hope they will.
The other side of that coin is that, when you are vulnerable and courageous enough to, for example, go out on one more date, let him know that you want to be married, and to show him that you’re committed enough to your marriage to do whatever is within your realm of control to make things better, there is that beautiful possibility that you will actually experience the love and happiness your heart desires!
The thing is that you’ve got to be willing to take that chance.
Yes, it can be scary.
And, no, I can’t predict that everything will work out exactly the way you want it to.
But I can promise you one thing:
The only way for there to even be a chance of experiencing the love and relationship of your dreams is to be willing to open your heart and mind up to that possibility and then taking the steps that lead you in that direction!
So, what is one step you’ve been afraid to take in your love life or relationship?
And are you willing to be courageous enough to take it and see what’s possible?
If so, leave a comment below and let me know what it is and how I might be able to support you!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Last week in the U.S., as you probably know, we celebrated one of my favorite holidays: Thanksgiving. For a few days, there was a collective focus on the act of taking stock of our blessings and giving thanks for them. Whether or not Thanksgiving is a holiday you celebrate, I hope you took time to think, write about, and/or verbally express thanks for the people, things, and experiences with which you are blessed.
And, while the holiday is officially over, the act of giving thanks is something you can do every day! In giving thanks regularly, you have the power to shift your state of being from one of feeling upset, sad, and disappointed to that feeling happy, fulfilled, and blessed.
It may difficult to believe that something that simple could have the power to transform the way you experience your life, health, wealth, and relationships, but it’s absolutely true!
Last week, I wrote an article about The Transformational Power of Gratitude. Earlier that day, I had the privilege of doing an interview with Michelle Richards-Phillips of GeTVisioned TV to talk about how gratitude can help create more love and peace in our lives and relationships. Of course, I threw in some other dating and relationship tips, as well! This was probably one of my favorite interviews, as I felt such a connection with Michelle as we spoke!
Several of the people who have viewed the episode have let us know that they took on the Gratitude Challenge we gave at the end of the interview and what a difference it is making for them! People are not only experiencing a feeling of gratitude in their lives, but relationships with spouses and family members are being restored!
I hope you’ll take the challenge, too, and experience the transformational power of gratitude in your own life! Click below to watch the episode, and let us know if you’re going to take the Gratitude Challenge, too!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
There are few practices in life that are as transformational as that of giving thanks. There is something miraculous that happens when you make the choice to take your focus off of everything you don’t have, don’t have enough of, or that seems to be “wrong” in your life and shift to making the conscious choice to feel and express gratitude for what you do have. This is especially true when it comes to love and relationships.
There is a quote by Taneo Sands Kumalae that says,
“Energy flows where attention goes.”
There is nothing that can kill love and intimacy more quickly than criticism and sending the message to the other person that he is not doing “enough” to please you. Telling a man he doesn’t call often enough, that he “never” takes you out anymore, or that he’s “always” thinking about himself does not inspire him to want to call, spend time with, or think of you more often. In fact, you’ll probably find that this type of communication will backfire, having him pull away even more.
On the other hand, when you choose to shed light on the things that you like, enjoy, and appreciate – the little things, the big things, and everything in between – chances are very high that the man you are with is going to want to give you even more of that? Why?
Well, it’s pretty simple. If you’re with a good man, one thing is certain: He wants to please you. And letting him know what he’s done to please you will make him want to do that more often!
See, not only does he love seeing that smile on your face, but he absolutely loves knowing that he had something to do with it!
So, the more you often you let him know that you noticed what he did and that you appreciate it, the more often he will want to create that feeling for both of you again, which means you both win!
Now, I’m not talking about simply expressing thanks in order to “get him” to do things for you. That is manipulative and controlling and totally goes against what we teach about how to create a loving, intimate relationship. This is about really allowing yourself to notice what he’s done, feel the gratitude, and then express it to him.
As with most of the things we teach, this takes some level of vulnerability, because you’re letting him know he made a difference for you. This practice can be easy when things are going well in a relationship, but can be a little more difficult when you’re experiencing difficult times. However, it’s impossible to feel both resentment and gratitude at the same time. So, when you make the choice to express gratitude, it’s also likely that the resentment you’ve been holding onto will begin to disappear, which is a gift you give yourself!
I can promise you that if you really take on expressing gratitude to your husband or boyfriend for the week, something magical will happen.
Not only will you begin to experience more peace within, but you will also begin to sense a shift in the dynamic of your relationship.
Why?
Because, now, rather than focusing on (and complaining about) all of the things he’s not doing (or not doing well enough), you will begin noticing just how much you have to be grateful for! Instead of noticing that he left the socks on the floor, or left the toilet seat up, or forgot to pay the phone bill on time, you’ll begin to notice how he made sure he left you enough coffee in the coffee pot, how he always brings in the mail, how he’s working those long hours you complain about because he wants to take care of you, and how he begins to respond to your increased level gratitude! I’m warning you now – Don’t be surprised if he starts surprising you more often!
Will you take “The Gratitude Challenge”?
I’d like to present you with a little challenge.
For the next 7 days, look for three opportunities per day to express thanks to your man. I know, I know, some of you are thinking it will be hard to find one opportunity. Again, I promise you, if you will look for the opportunities, you will see them!
If you’re not in a relationship yet, then I challenge you to express your gratitude to men three times per day. You can choose to thank the same man three times, or thank three different men. Yes, you can choose a family member, but if you really want to stretch yourself, I invite you thank three co-workers, three men you see while running errands, or the cute guy who always holds the door open for you at the gym!
If you play this game full-out, you are going to begin to notice just how much the men in your life want to please and make you happy! See, while you may be benefiting from their compliments, help, or gifts, you are giving them a gift in return: The gift of appreciation. And, if you continue to play the game well after the 7 days have come and gone, you will see just how big a difference a little gratitude can make in all of the areas of your life!
So, will you do it? Will you take the gratitude challenge?
If, so, make sure you let us know below! We can’t wait to hear all about the miraculous changes you’ll begin to see in your life and your relationship!
“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” ~ Dr. Wayne Dyer
One of the most beautiful parts about autumn is how the leaves begin to change. Although I live in Florida and the changes here aren’t as intense as in other parts of the country (palm trees don’t really lose their leaves!), there are a few non-native trees in the area, and I love to pick up and admire the different-colored leaves as I go for walks. It’s just fascinating to me how the leaves know when it’s time to begin to change, fall off the branches, and make way for something new to appear in the spring.
As often happens, when I’m thinking about things that take place in my life or the world around me, I try to see how I can relate it to relationships.
One of the main reasons people reach out to work with Michelle and me is because they want to experience change. They either want to change their current relationship status from “single” to “in a committed relationship,” or they want to change and improve the experience they’re having in their current relationship. In both of these situations, like the leaves on the tree, there is a moment where the woman realizes that it’s time to change, let go of the past and any of the things she’s been holding on to that are keeping her “stuck” where she is, in order to make room for something new to show up !
Recently, I was coaching a client who was struggling between absolutely loving her husband who is kind, loving, and generous with her, while also realizing that there were things about him that she didn’t really like or agree with. As I was coaching her, I saw myself and who I used to be in her.
I’ll never forget the moment when I realized that, for a really long time I had been completely unaware of the fact that I saw myself as “superior” to my husband. I was more positive, more spiritual, more even-tempered than he. I was more social, able to get along with people, and I didn’t hold grudges. As horrible as it sounds to me know, I really did have this better-than-thou perception of my husband.
Unfortunately, as unaware as I was of this perception, my husband was completely tuned into it! He could sense that I was making judgments about him and his choices. Whether or not I was aware of it, this underlying belief and view that I had of him was coloring how I saw, spoke to and of him, and how I treated and responded to him. I didn’t have to come out and say it. All he needed to do was looks into my eyes and he could probably see it.
For a long time, I thought it was my responsibility to let my husband know all of the ways he could improve and strive to be better than he was. I would tell him to calm down, to forgive and let go, and how he should approach people and situations. And for a long time, my husband resisted every suggestion, piece of advice, recommended book or video, and comment I made — which only made me want to “help” him even more.
It was a vicious cycle and I was left wondering why he couldn’t just listen to me and change.
It wasn’t until I took the spotlight off of him and everything I felt he needed to do, say, and think differently and flashed it on myself that things really began to change. And things only changed because I began to change myself and the way I was choosing to see him.
I began to look at all of the ways I was sending the message that I didn’t love and accept him, where I felt I was superior to him.
Then I began to look for evidence that supported what a great man he was – a man of integrity who was smart, strong, loyal and loving.
I began to recognize just how capable he was at work and in the things he enjoyed doing.
And something amazing began to happen.
Because I began to change the way I chose to see and relate to him, my husband began to change! But not really.
I began to see what had been in front of me all along, but I couldn’t see because I had been too busy looking for what was “wrong” and needed to be “fixed.”
I’ve learned that, since you cannot make your date, boyfriend, or husband be more or less of anything he does not choose to be, the only thing you can do is to begin to believe that he can be those things.
You can affirm the good qualities you see evidence of in him and in your relationship.
You can shed light on the things you want to experience and see more of, and create a space of unconditional love and acceptance that may very well inspire him to become the man he was created to be.
And, in the meantime, you can focus on becoming the woman you were created to be — the very best version of yourself!
I ended the email to my client by sharing my version of Gandhi’s famous quote, where he called on us to “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”
For those of us looking to create and experience extraordinary love, the message is:
BE the love you want to see in your relationship!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Yesterday was a real exercise for me in being willing to step outside of my comfort zone.
On Wednesday night, I worked into the wee hours of the morning on a big project, and quite frankly did not feel very perky or pretty on Thursday! I was tired and knew I had a long day ahead of me of phone calls, research, and a webinar I was presenting that night.
At about 3:30 in the afternoon I received a call from someone who works at a local TV station saying he needed to speak with me ASAP. I called him back and he wanted to know if I could come to the studio for a segment they were doing about the benefits of online dating. Immediately I said, “Yes, of course.” That’s when he told me I needed to be there in four hours! I thought it was an upcoming interview… Not one happening that night!
I tried to get out of it. I told him I was tired and that I could pack clothes in the bags under my eyes. I also told him I had to lead a webinar at 9:00 and the segment was not airing until 8:30, and that I was sorry, but I couldn’t see how it was going to work.
That’s when he said he’d send a car to pick me up and drop me off so that I would not have drive, that he’d have a makeup artist ready to greet me when I got there, and that he’d arrange for me to have a private conference room with Internet connection so that I could go upstairs after the interview and conduct my webinar.
I thought about cancelling my webinar, but I didn’t want to do that. If this was going to work for me, I needed to be able to have it all!
At that moment, I chose to do what wasn’t comfortable.
I hurried up and finished my work; got ready, dressed and out the door, and let the ladies who’d be attending the webinar know that we might start a few minutes late.
After the webinar, I rushed upstairs, sat in an office that wasn’t my comfy home office, battled with technology to get connected to the Internet, and started the webinar 20 minutes late. Not what I like or what I’m used to.
The webinar, however, went great. The ladies waited patiently for me to get set up and were so understanding about all of the glitches that took place. Everyone participated actively, and the insights they shared at the end of the night reminded me that everything I’d done that day was worth it!
When I got up to put my things away, I looked up and saw the frame that you see as the image on this page. It read:
“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.”
~ Neal Diamond Walsh
So, what about you? Have you been willing to step out of your comfort zone?
Have you set up that online dating profile you’ve been putting off because you feel that online dating is “unnatural” or not your cup of tea, even though it might actually be fun and you might end up meeting the man of your dreams?
Have you started smiling and flirting whenever you’re out, even though it feels “weird” or you’re afraid of being rejected?
Have you chosen to forgive your husband or boyfriend? To let go of any resentments or judgments regarding what he “should” do to make things right between you?
Have you been willing to be open, vulnerable, and allow love to flow in, to, and through you?
If you have, great! I’m excited for you and would love to hear about how you’ve been able to break out of your comfort zone and create some amazing results!
If you haven’t, would you consider stepping out in faith?
Life happens right outside of our comfort zone, and there are miracles just waiting to be manifested and experienced by you!
So, go ahead! I dareyou to be happy!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
This weekend I broke a promise, and it’s been quite the learning experience to see how one broken promise can lead to a ripple effect of results and consequences, and how this can seriously impact our relationships.
As part of his responsibility to his Cub Scout Pack, my son has to sell popcorn in front of a store for 4 hours during the popcorn sale period. They refer to it as each Cub doing his “fair share.” I signed him up for two 2-hour shifts. I realized I probably would not be able to make the second shift and mentioned it to his Cub Master. Unfortunately, I did not follow up and communicate for which time I would like to reschedule, and I completely forgot that I was supposed to take my son to complete his second shift this past Sunday.
As soon as I woke up, I saw a missed calendar reminder and an email from the Scout Master 30 minutes after we were supposed to have arrived! I immediately jumped out of bed, told my son to get dressed, and began emailing and texting anyone I could think of to try to communicate that we were on our way.
Unfortunately, we were too late.
Two other families failed to show up, so the sales were canceled for the day, which meant my and all of the other boys who had signed up for the day missed out on their opportunity to give their fair share to the Pack, and the Cub Master resigned, which means our Pack does not have a leader at the helm and all 20 or so families are being impacted.
To say that I felt horrible is an understatement. I contacted the Cub Master and his family and apologized for disrespecting him and his family. I apologized to my son for forgetting to communicate a new day and time, had to comfort him while he cried when he learned that the Cub Master was resigning (he is wonderful man who has done so much for our Pack). Today I sent an email to the entire Pack apologizing for my part in all of this.
The apologies were received well, but the impact of the broken promise is still there. My son, the other boys and their parents, and an entire Pack were impacted all because of one broken promise.
Once I was able to forgive myself, I looked to see what the lesson in all of this was and how I could use it in my own life and as something I could share with you regarding how this lesson applies to dating and relationships. Here are a few of the lessons I learned:
Whether the broken promise is regarding something you promised someone else, or yourself, the lack of integrity will impact the relationship.
Lesson 1: A broken promise – big or small – can have a big impact. Whether the broken promise is regarding something you promised someone else, or yourself, the lack of integrity will impact the relationship. The trust in the relationship is impacted, and the ripple effect can extend beyond just you and the person to whom the promise was made.
For example, if you’ve promised yourself and your partner that you are going to do whatever it takes to restore the intimacy in the relationship, and, yet, you speak disrespectfully to him, withhold love or tenderness out of anger, or continue bringing up past mistakes, you are breaking your promise to yourself, your partner, and, if you have a family, to your kids and extended family.
If you’re single, and you’ve promised yourself that you’re going to make changes so that you can have the relationship your heart desires, but you’ve continued repeating the same patterns and behaviors that have been blocking you from attracting love into your life – out of fear, pride, or the unwillingness to work through and break through them – then you’ve broken your promise to yourself, and you’re no closer to having that loving relationship you want and deserve (not to mention the impact it’s having on the man who’s waiting to step into your life when you’re ready!).
Taking responsibility simply means recognizing the role you played in what happened, owning it, and then doing what you can to restore your integrity.
Lesson 2: Be willing to accept responsibility. Several people were so kind in letting me know that my actions were not the only contributing factor to everything that happened on Sunday. The fact that we didn’t show up to sell the popcorn was one in a series of things that led to the Cub Master’s decision. I knew they were trying to help me feel better, and I appreciated that. I also realized that I needed to be 100% responsible for the role I played, because that’s the only thing for which I can be responsible.
Taking responsibility is not about blaming or shaming yourself (although, I’ll admit I did a little of that). Taking responsibility simply means recognizing the role you played in what happened, owning it, and then doing what you can to restore your integrity. In this case, I chose to apologize and re-promise, which meant I rearranged my schedule so that my son could sell popcorn at 4:30pm that day and fulfill on his commitment to do his fair share for the Pack. Apologizing and restoring integrity will create a space for trust and intimacy to be restored in a relationship.
Taking responsibility and apologizing is part of what we can do to try to restore integrity, trust and intimacy. But, ultimately, it’s up to the other person to choose if and when they are willing to accept the apology.
Lesson 3: An apology doesn’t make everything “okay.” I apologized to everyone I could. I accepted 100% responsibility for the role I played in how everything turned out. And, still, the results remained – kids didn’t get to fulfill on their promise, the Pack still doesn’t have a leader, and there may be other consequences that result from this. My son also didn’t accept my apology right away, which was his prerogative. He was upset and I just needed to respect that he wasn’t ready to stop being upset yet.
The same holds true in our relationships. Taking responsibility and apologizing is part of what we can do to try to restore integrity, trust and intimacy. But, ultimately, it’s up to the other person to choose if and when they are willing to accept the apology. And, even if they do, the consequences will be what they will be, and we need to be willing to accept them as such.
Of course, the best path to follow would be to only make promises we will keep and to keep all of our promises. Unfortunately, none of us is perfect and we may not always do that. So, for those times when you don’t honor your word, it’s best to accept that the results are what they are, take responsibility for the role you played, and restore your integrity as quickly as possible, realizing that, while it may not “fix” everything, it’s the best you can do – and that’s really all you can do!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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