by heartsdesireintl | Oct 1, 2013 | Communication, Dating, Forgiveness, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
This weekend I broke a promise, and it’s been quite the learning experience to see how one broken promise can lead to a ripple effect of results and consequences, and how this can seriously impact our relationships.
As part of his responsibility to his Cub Scout Pack, my son has to sell popcorn in front of a store for 4 hours during the popcorn sale period. They refer to it as each Cub doing his “fair share.” I signed him up for two 2-hour shifts. I realized I probably would not be able to make the second shift and mentioned it to his Cub Master. Unfortunately, I did not follow up and communicate for which time I would like to reschedule, and I completely forgot that I was supposed to take my son to complete his second shift this past Sunday.
As soon as I woke up, I saw a missed calendar reminder and an email from the Scout Master 30 minutes after we were supposed to have arrived! I immediately jumped out of bed, told my son to get dressed, and began emailing and texting anyone I could think of to try to communicate that we were on our way.
Unfortunately, we were too late.
Two other families failed to show up, so the sales were canceled for the day, which meant my and all of the other boys who had signed up for the day missed out on their opportunity to give their fair share to the Pack, and the Cub Master resigned, which means our Pack does not have a leader at the helm and all 20 or so families are being impacted.
To say that I felt horrible is an understatement. I contacted the Cub Master and his family and apologized for disrespecting him and his family. I apologized to my son for forgetting to communicate a new day and time, had to comfort him while he cried when he learned that the Cub Master was resigning (he is wonderful man who has done so much for our Pack). Today I sent an email to the entire Pack apologizing for my part in all of this.
The apologies were received well, but the impact of the broken promise is still there. My son, the other boys and their parents, and an entire Pack were impacted all because of one broken promise.
Once I was able to forgive myself, I looked to see what the lesson in all of this was and how I could use it in my own life and as something I could share with you regarding how this lesson applies to dating and relationships. Here are a few of the lessons I learned:
Whether the broken promise is regarding something you promised someone else, or yourself, the lack of integrity will impact the relationship.
Lesson 1: A broken promise – big or small – can have a big impact. Whether the broken promise is regarding something you promised someone else, or yourself, the lack of integrity will impact the relationship. The trust in the relationship is impacted, and the ripple effect can extend beyond just you and the person to whom the promise was made.
For example, if you’ve promised yourself and your partner that you are going to do whatever it takes to restore the intimacy in the relationship, and, yet, you speak disrespectfully to him, withhold love or tenderness out of anger, or continue bringing up past mistakes, you are breaking your promise to yourself, your partner, and, if you have a family, to your kids and extended family.
If you’re single, and you’ve promised yourself that you’re going to make changes so that you can have the relationship your heart desires, but you’ve continued repeating the same patterns and behaviors that have been blocking you from attracting love into your life – out of fear, pride, or the unwillingness to work through and break through them – then you’ve broken your promise to yourself, and you’re no closer to having that loving relationship you want and deserve (not to mention the impact it’s having on the man who’s waiting to step into your life when you’re ready!).
Taking responsibility simply means recognizing the role you played in what happened, owning it, and then doing what you can to restore your integrity.
Lesson 2: Be willing to accept responsibility. Several people were so kind in letting me know that my actions were not the only contributing factor to everything that happened on Sunday. The fact that we didn’t show up to sell the popcorn was one in a series of things that led to the Cub Master’s decision. I knew they were trying to help me feel better, and I appreciated that. I also realized that I needed to be 100% responsible for the role I played, because that’s the only thing for which I can be responsible.
Taking responsibility is not about blaming or shaming yourself (although, I’ll admit I did a little of that). Taking responsibility simply means recognizing the role you played in what happened, owning it, and then doing what you can to restore your integrity. In this case, I chose to apologize and re-promise, which meant I rearranged my schedule so that my son could sell popcorn at 4:30pm that day and fulfill on his commitment to do his fair share for the Pack. Apologizing and restoring integrity will create a space for trust and intimacy to be restored in a relationship.
Taking responsibility and apologizing is part of what we can do to try to restore integrity, trust and intimacy. But, ultimately, it’s up to the other person to choose if and when they are willing to accept the apology.
Lesson 3: An apology doesn’t make everything “okay.” I apologized to everyone I could. I accepted 100% responsibility for the role I played in how everything turned out. And, still, the results remained – kids didn’t get to fulfill on their promise, the Pack still doesn’t have a leader, and there may be other consequences that result from this. My son also didn’t accept my apology right away, which was his prerogative. He was upset and I just needed to respect that he wasn’t ready to stop being upset yet.
The same holds true in our relationships. Taking responsibility and apologizing is part of what we can do to try to restore integrity, trust and intimacy. But, ultimately, it’s up to the other person to choose if and when they are willing to accept the apology. And, even if they do, the consequences will be what they will be, and we need to be willing to accept them as such.
Of course, the best path to follow would be to only make promises we will keep and to keep all of our promises. Unfortunately, none of us is perfect and we may not always do that. So, for those times when you don’t honor your word, it’s best to accept that the results are what they are, take responsibility for the role you played, and restore your integrity as quickly as possible, realizing that, while it may not “fix” everything, it’s the best you can do – and that’s really all you can do!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
by heartsdesireintl | Aug 13, 2013 | Communication, Dating, Forgiveness, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
“Forget past mistakes. Forget failures. Forget everything except what you’re going to do now and do it.”
~ William Durant
I posted this quote on our Facebook page over the weekend, and it really stuck with me. How many times in our lives do we use the mistakes and failures of the past to keep us stuck where we are? We’ll replay past conversations (or arguments), choices we made, things that we did (or didn’t do) over and over in our heads, continuously making ourselves wrong for what we did back then. However, we’re also using this as an excuse to not move ahead and make a different choice now.
The truth is that if you’re human, you’ve made at least one mistake in the past 24 hours. So, when it comes to love, what would have us believe that we need to be infallible, incapable of making a mistake now and again? And what would make us believe that we are incapable of making different choices, knowing what we know now?
Part of it may be that we’ve seen patterns repeated in our lives. Perhaps there’s been a pattern of choosing men who were not faithful or ready to commit to us. Maybe we’ve made and broken promises to be more respectful and less harsh in our actions and words toward the men we love. Or maybe the promises we’ve broken have been those we’ve made to ourselves – about finally making a commitment to doing whatever it takes to have the relationship of our dreams, or about giving up the fear that has kept us feeling stuck and alone and having the courage to go out there and date or walk up to our beloved and ask for forgiveness.
Whatever it is that has been keeping you stuck in the past – whatever failures, mistakes, or regrets you’ve been holding onto – it’s time to let them go. It’s time to forgive yourself, him, them, and everything else you’ve been making wrong, and just make a choice now to create a brand new start!
So what will you do to create a new start in your love life?
Will you finally let go of resentment and forgive yourself or others?
Will you give up the pride that’s been keeping you stuck and ask for forgiveness?
Will you put your profile up on dating site and just open up to the possibility of attracting new love?
Will you recommit yourself to the relationship you’re in and begin making the changes that will reignite the love that’s begun to fade?
Will you begin working with a relationship coach who can help you identify the fears and patterns holding you back so that you can break free from them and finally start living the life and the love your heart desires? If you’re ready, you’ll want to check out the Create Your Love Story coaching program that is helping women transform their love lives!
Whatever it is that you’re ready to do to breathe life into your love life and relationships, choose one thing you are going to do and do it now!
And let me know what that is in the comments below, because I’d love to hear what it is and support you in any way I can!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Jul 30, 2013 | breakups, Dating, Forgiveness, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
A resounding theme keeps popping up in my Inbox, conversations with clients, and even on TV shows. The theme is courage.
Any time we want to create something new in our lives – whether it’s transitioning to a new career, moving to a new home, or taking on a new goal or lifestyle – there will be fears that come up. And the thought of starting a new relationship or restoring the intimacy in an existing relationship is no exception. In fact, contemplating the possibility of letting love into our lives and hearts can be one of the most terrifying experiences we can have.
Why?
Well, because of our past. Most of us have experienced some type of disappointment and heartache as a result of having allowed ourselves to love someone. Sometimes the pain is a result of a betrayal, of poor timing, having fallen for someone who simply wasn’t right for us, or not having had the knowledge or awareness of how to make things work.
One of the first things we do when we begin working with clients is to help them see how their fears are actually causing them to reject and block the possibility of experiencing love. We do a series of exercises where we help the person identify the fears, resentments, and regrets, and guide her through letting releasing and letting go of them so that she is able to create a space where love is able to flow freely to, through, and from her. If you were on the “Creating the Relationship of Your Dreams” Teleclass, you experienced the power of this exercise for yourself!
It’s only when we release the heaviness of all of disempowering thoughts and negative beliefs from the past that we can feel free to let love in, here and now.
Are you ready to let love in? If so, ask yourself:
- Am I willing to let go of resentment? Is there a person (or persons) in your life who hurt, disappointed and/or betrayed you toward whom you’ve been holding onto the anger, pain, and resentment? Are you willing to let that go?
- Am I willing to face my fears and not allow them to choose for me? Too often, we’re allowing the fear of getting hurt again choose whether or not we’re willing to open up our hearts. Unless we identify the fear as just a thought and not what’s actually happening right now, we will cheat ourselves out of the experience of loving and being loved.
- Am I willing to let go of regrets? Perhaps one of the hardest people to forgive is ourselves. We blame ourselves and make ourselves wrong for having said or done the wrong thing – or for not having said or done the right thing. We punish ourselves by replaying our mistakes over and over again. We create a story that we “deserve” to be alone or unhappy. And we do this to protect ourselves, because as uncomfortable and lonely as it may be, at least we’re not risking our hearts again.
Maybe we did make some mistakes along the way. Perhaps we could have said or done something differently. However, it’s also possible that lessons were learned and that we simply didn’t have the knowledge, skills, and awareness necessary to make different choices.
One of the best ways to gain new knowledge and skills and heighten your level of awareness is to work with a coach. Every time I’ve invested in working with a coach, I have been able to completely transform different areas of my life. Whether it’s been learning how to create a healthier lifestyle, causing breakthroughs in my personal and spiritual life, or creating growth in my business, I can trace the changes and results to my working directly with a coach to help make that happen.
This is why I believe so strongly in the power of coaching and why I’ve opened the doors to a new coaching and mentoring program that is going to provide you with the skills, insights, and practices that are going to help you create the type of relationship your heart desires. I’m not talking about a program where you learn a bunch of cute and fun “dating tips” and strategies for getting a man to fall in love with you.
I’m talking about a partnership where you and I work together to break down the walls that have been stopping you from attracting the love that you want and being to put into practice the skills that will help you create a meaningful, fulfilling, loving, and intimate relationship with a man that lasts for a lifetime.
If you are ready to make a commitment to yourself and do the work that it takes to create new love or restore the love and intimacy that has been lost in your relationship, the Create Your Love Story program will provide you with the support, mentorship, and results you have been searching for.
Don’t allow your fears to stop you from actually living in the relationship you wish, pray and dream of. That dream is in your heart for a reason. You were created to love and be loved.
Now it’s time to get out of your own way and begin to completely transform your life and your experience of dating and relationships.
If you’re ready to begin, I’m ready to work with you! Click here to begin creating your love story today!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Photo courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Jul 2, 2013 | breakups, Dating, Forgiveness, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Infidelity, Intimacy, Love, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
I recently split from my man after a three year relationship. It has been very difficult for me to move on, even though he was cheating on line with a woman from his past. Over twenty years ago he had relations with this woman and a child that passed away. He had told me that she was responsible for the death and he would gain her trust to avenge the death of his daughter. I was amazed that he would tell me this and then pursue a legitimate relationship with this woman, even though she lives across the country from him.
I know this was an unhealthy relationship for me and I need to move on, but I’m guessing, that because of the rejection, I feel the need for a different ending for closure. Please give me advice on how to move on for me. No man should be the motivation for a brighter future.
I know that ending a long-term relationship is never something that is easy to do, even when all of the signs are clear that this was not a healthy relationship. I can hear that you are hurt by the betrayal, which is completely understandable. I’m also concerned that you stayed in a relationship with him, even after he mentioned that he was planning to gain this woman’s trust so that he could avenge his daughter’s death. The first thing I thought when I read that sentence was that that type of comment would have set off red flags, whistles and sirens for me regarding whether or not he was someone I could trust. He was practically letting you know that he’s someone who couldn’t be trusted.
Now, perhaps he said that in a moment of pain or distress over the loss of his daughter. I don’t know, nor do I want to begin trying to analyze the authenticity of his statement. My main concern lies with you and helping you move past this so that you can experience the healthy, happy relationship you deserve!
There is a really powerful statement you made that is at the heart of the pain you are experiencing. You wrote:
I feel the need for a different ending for closure.
The problem with this is that you want something different from what actually happened to happen, which is impossible. The fact is he was communicating with the woman he told you he was angry and blamed for the death of his daughter. Unless they were seeing each other, there wasn’t an actual affair taking place. That being said, I can still see where it would hurt you to find out that he may have been emotionally connecting with someone else. For all you know, this was part of his plan to gain her trust (based on what he said to you earlier). But the fact is that you found out about their communication and this is why the relationship ended.
Most of the time, when we are upset about something, it’s not so much that we’re upset about what happened or what is happening. The upset comes from wanting the situation to be different from what it is. And, because that is impossible – things are the way they are and they are not the way they’re not – we cause ourselves unnecessary worry, anxiety, and frustration. We keep replaying all the other ways it could have been or should have been. However, the situation remains what it is, and no amount of wanting or wishing that it were different is going to change that.
Another thing that causes us to feel pain and regret is that, while it seems that we are angry and upset at the other person for what he or she did, we’re actually upset with ourselves. We’re upset that we didn’t see or chose not to see the signs. We regret having invested so much time in a relationship that didn’t turn out the way we’d hoped. And we hold on to that upset and regret so that we don’t have to be responsible for moving forward, because there’s a risk that we might get hurt again.
So, what can you do move past this relationship so that you can open your heart to one that fulfills and honors you?
- Accept what’s happened. The first step to moving forward is going to need to be to accept that what happened, happened. Accepting what’s happened does not mean that you agree with, condone, or celebrate it. It simply means that you acknowledge that it is what happened and that wanting and wishing it to be any other way does not change what actually happened, nor does is serve you.
- Let go of regret. Are there things that you have been replaying in your mind? Things you should or shouldn’t have said or done? Mistakes or decisions you wish you’d made or hadn’t made? Actions you wish you’d said or not said? Are you regretting having spent 3 years with someone, only to have things not work out? Let go of anything that has been keeping you stuck in the wishing that things were different than the way they are.
- Forgive. While your ex may be someone you want to consider forgiving, just so that you can experience peace from anger, upset and regret, I invite you to begin by forgiving yourself. Forgive yourself for anything for which you have been blaming or making yourself wrong. If there are any regrets you didn’t let go of in the second step, or if some anger or resentment happens to come up again, accept, let go, and forgive yourself (or him) for it. Bringing love and compassion to yourself will make it much easier for you to begin to open your heart so that you can receive it from another.
And you’re right. No man should be a motivation for a brighter future. The only thing that truly results in transforming ourselves and our lives is actually inspiration, because it’s motivation that comes from within. Bring acceptance to this situation; let go of all of the pain and suffering you’ve been holding on to; and bring love and compassion to yourself. Once you’ve done that, you’ll be on the path to having the love and the life that your heart truly desires!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Jun 22, 2013 | breakups, Forgiveness, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Infidelity, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Parenting, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
I dated a man for 7 years before I married him. We had, – or I should say I had – an awful experience with my stepchildren. They kept accusing me of being a gold digger, and not only am I NOT, but I watched the greedy children complain about what they were getting if I married him. We ended up running off and eloped! What a mistake.
It was only days into the marriage and they were walking in our home like they stilled lived there. Borrowing excessive money behind my back and created a wedge by only communicating with their dad and made me feel like an outsider.
To make a long story short, I filed for divorce and a restraining order after multiple abuse and disappearing acts and text messages to old girlfriends. My dilemma is I keep going back and forth about whether he really loved me and, if so, what went wrong and could it have been worked out? I can’t seem to trust anyone! I’m very skeptical of every guy I meet or date, I feel like I never got closure because of the restraining order/no contact order. However, he texted me numerous times, mailed perfume, called my therapist, and challenged boundaries over and over again. The police did nothing but slap his hand. And, as for me, I still feel like I need to tell him off or expose his lies and deceit to the world before I can move on. He betray me in every way and yet painted a picture of how much he loved me to everyone when, in fact, lied about his abuse and cheating on me. I know it takes time, but, sheez, I was made as a fool. I truly believe he’s a narcissist. How do I move on?
I can hear how much pain you feel at having that relationship turn out the way it did and how afraid you are to move forward. Having invested that much time with someone, only to have things not turn out the way you had hoped and dreamed would leave anyone feeling unsure of herself and about what to do to move on.
The first thing I thought of when I read your email was, “How were things during those 7 years of courtship?” Seven years is a very long time to wait to get married and long time for someone to not reveal his true colors.
I’m wondering if there were reasons why it took that long for a commitment to be made, beyond the issues with his children. I also wonder what your relationship with him and his children was like before you both began talking about marriage and how he responded to the way you were treated by them.
Blending a family can have its challenges, and how the couple chooses to address those challenges prior to marriage sets the foundation for what it will be like once they are married.
Did you let him know how much their behavior hurt you? Was he willing to stand up for you? Did he treat you with love and respect in front of them? How did you feel about becoming part of the family? Did you express those feelings purely to him – not telling him what he needed to do about it, but just sharing what you felt and how you would like to feel? And how did he respond to their efforts to ignore and make you feel left out?
I want to clarify that I’m not saying that any of this was your “fault.” I don’t believe that blaming or shaming ourselves serves us in any way. However, in order to truly begin to move forward, it’s important that we are willing to take responsibility for the role that we played in the relationship, looking to see where we were willing to accept things that we knew did not feel right for us, and learning those lessons so that we do not repeat the same behaviors in the future. It’s not “easy” work, to look within, rather than outside of ourselves for the things that didn’t work, but it is an essential to creating new patterns of thought and behavior.
For example, you mention that there were incidents of abuse and infidelity. Were there were signs and red flags regarding his tendencies to hurt and be unfaithful to you?
It’s been my experience in working with women that, when there has been abuse and consistent incidences of infidelity in the marriage, there were actually red flags that were ignored early in the relationship.
Was he prone to getting excessively angry? Did he ever shake or push you or put his hands on you in anger? Were there times when you felt afraid for your safety and later dismissed, excused, or rationalized his behavior and the way you felt? Did you feel emotionally and physically safe when you were with him?
Regarding the infidelity, were there disappearances prior to getting married? Would he drop out of communication for long periods of time? It sounds like you found inappropriate text messages. Did something make you look through his phone to find the text messages?
Usually, when women invest time in looking through their husbands’ or boyfriends’ phones, computers, and electronic accounts, it’s because something in their gut is sending is telling them that there is something going on. Were there signs prior to getting married that he might not be capable of being faithful to you?
Again, please understand that I’m not saying you did anything to deserve any type of unacceptable behavior on his part. It’s just important that you’re willing to see whether there was anything you might have done that sent the message that behavior that hurt, dishonored, or disrespected you was something you would tolerate or excuse.
It’s important that you recognize whether there were signs that were ignored and ways that you justified them so that you can be aware of these in the future and not allow your fears and uncertainty to keep you from being willing to open your heart to a man who will love and cherish you the way you deserve!
It’s also important to remember to have compassion with yourself. I imagine that it can’t be easy for you to have been through everything you’ve gone through. Regardless of whether or not there were signs that were ignored, the fact is that you loved him and you envisioned yourself being loved by him for the rest of your life. Seeing that dream come to an end can’t be an easy reality to deal with, and I hope that you are taking time to really bring love, forgiveness, and compassion to yourself. The truth is that, whatever decisions and choices that were made in the past, they are not predictors of what is possible for you in the future. You are deserving of love, time, attention, loyalty, and intimacy.
If you can own the role you played in your previous relationship, take the lessons from it that will serve you, and bring compassion and love to yourself, you will be on the path to moving beyond this pain and opening your heart again so that you can experience the love you deserve and your heart desires!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Jun 20, 2013 | Dating, Forgiveness, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Love, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
As a health coach myself, I don’t seem to be able to break the fear of never being truly cherished, like all women want to be. I can effectively coach others in health and spiritual issues, but I have a difficult time trusting myself in the romantic love area. This has especially been the case since a relationship that was going strong fizzled within a couple days. I thought I was practicing the surrendered single philosophy with this man, to no avail.
Thanks for being so vulnerable in asking your question. The fact that you are a coach and able to get people to being taking steps to create healthier lives probably makes it easier for you to understand that a lot of what stops us from having what we really want in our lives is fear. And, 99 percent of the time, the things we fear are not real. Many times, they are based on our past and on what we have already experienced, and we tend to project those experiences into our future.
The truth is that you are already love-able – able to love and be loved. If you can distinguish what it is that you are actually afraid of, then you can see it for what it is – nothing but a thought – and you can choose to either honor it or not honor it.
So, what is it that you are afraid of? You mention that you’re afraid of never truly being cherished. The first question I’d like you to ask yourself is whether there is something about yourself that you have not yet brought love, forgiveness and acceptance to. You know, as a health coach, that not bringing love, forgiveness, or acceptance to parts of our bodies can cause us to make choices that actually harm our bodies, even if we say that we want to be healthy. So, is there something about yourself – physically or emotionally – that you’ve not yet embraced or accepted? Is it something you’re afraid that the man you are with will see or discover and not accept? If so, are you willing to bring love and acceptance to that part of you now so that you can begin to invite love into your life?
You also mention that you don’t trust yourself when it comes to love and romance. The first thing this made me think of is whether you made a choice in the past that you now regret. Many times, when we think that we haven’t made very good choices when it comes to relationships, it’s because we weren’t willing to listen to and trust our intuition in a previous relationship. Perhaps we ignored the red flags that were letting us know that the guy wasn’t someone who we could trust. Perhaps we didn’t want to listen if he said that he wasn’t interested in being in a committed relationship, and we kept holding on, in hopes that he would change his mind. Or perhaps we continue to attract men who are not available or unwilling to commit or be faithful.
Regardless of the choices you made in the past, it’s important that you, again, forgive yourself and not make yourself wrong or beat yourself up for having made those choices. Forgive yourself, take the lessons that you learned from those experiences, and remember them as you move toward inviting new love into your life.
You mentioned a relationship that fizzled after a few days. I’m wondering whether this was someone with whom you were in an actual committed relationship, or someone who you were just dating. Regardless of the answer, if it fizzled that quickly, chances are that he wasn’t the right guy for you, so it’s better that you learned that early on. I know it doesn’t minimize the pain you may feel now, but it’s better than having invested months, or even years, in a relationship that was not going to result in a lifetime love. So, again, take the lessons you learned, be grateful for them, and be courageous enough to open your heart to the possibility of inviting someone new into your life. And continue practicing the surrendered singles principles to attract to yourself the man who is right for you!
Bottom line: You were created to love and be loved. Don’t buy into the story that you’re not meant to experience that. If there is a fear or doubt in the way, you know the power of coaching, so work with a coach to get those fears distinguished, dismantled, and out of the way so that you can begin to enjoy the experience of being in the relationship your heart desires!
Questions? Comment? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhoto.net
