by heartsdesireintl | Jun 24, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Loss of a Spouse, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
My wonderful, sexy, amazingly funny, husband died last year from heart complications following open heart surgery. He was in the hospital for the last three months of his life. When do you know to give your heart to that someone, especially if you have been grieving for almost a year? If, he says “I love you,” how do you tell him not to say that to you for a while, and how to say it without hurting his feelings?
First, I am so sorry for your loss. Having been widowed myself, I know that there are so many mixed feelings that come with having lost the man you loved and considering when it’s time to begin moving forward again.
I remember feeling like part of me died with my late husband. All of the dreams and plans we’d made for our future were no longer possible once he was gone. I felt lost, afraid, and seriously wondered whether I would ever find that kind of happiness again with another person. Part of me wanted to move forward and allow myself to feel happiness again. Part of me was angry and upset, wondering why this had happened to me at such a young age. And another part of me wondered if I’d have to just settle for someone who made me feel “kind of happy,” “sort of loved,” and “somewhat ready” to move forward.
I’ll be honest and say that I didn’t feel 100% ready to fall in-love with someone new when I met Ric. I was still grieving. There were more better days than when my husband first passed away, but there were also still some days where the sadness and loneliness overwhelmed me. I wasn’t looking to find someone new, but I was willing to open up to the idea of at least feeling some happiness again.
When I did meet and started going out with my husband, I felt a little guilty about feeling so happy again, and I was also terrified that I’d have my heart broken. I wanted to know how things were going to turn out before I invested my heart. I also wasn’t sure how to respond to the love that he was so openly sending my way.
I decided one day that I could be scared and uncertain and still allow myself the permission to be happy and see where things would go with him.
He shared his love for me first, and I remember thinking, “I really thought I’d never hear those words again, and here they are!” And when I shared my love for him, I remember thinking, “I never thought I’d feel this way or speak those words again, and here I am!” It was a wonderful, amazing feeling to know that it was actually possible for me to receive and give love and to feel happiness again.
You ask when you should give your heart to someone new. The truth is that only you will know when you are willing to do that. You may not feel “ready,” but if you feel willing to do it – to take a chance and give yourself to permission to feel joy and love again – then it’s going to take some courage, but you can do it. You just have to let yourself open up and let that love in.
You also ask how to tell him not to say that he loves you for a while without hurting his feelings. I don’t think it’s fair to him to tell him what he should or shouldn’t do. You can, however, tell him what you’d prefer. Let him know how it makes you feel when he says that he loves you, thank him for his love and how it makes you feel to be loved, and let him know that you need a little more time before you feel ready to respond. That way, you’re acknowledging his feelings for you and letting him know that this is about you not feeling ready to respond in kind, rather than telling him how he should feel or what he should or shouldn’t say.
And I invite you to just spend a little time with you, asking yourself how you feel about him. Acknowledge any fears that may be standing in your way and blocking you from allowing yourself to give or receive love from this man. Are you willing to give yourself permission to live and love again?
Remind yourself that giving yourself permission to laugh, love, and live again do not in any way diminish or discredit the love you and your husband shared. It’s just a new season in your life. And, if the man you are seeing now is a good man who gives you the experience of feeling loved, cherished, and cared for, then why would you deny yourself those feelings?
You have an opportunity to experience love more than once in a lifetime! I invite you to allow for the possibility that your happiness honors the love you and your husband shared as well as honoring your own desires to live life having the experience of loving and being loved!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 23, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, Love, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
Firstly, thank you for giving your time to answer many people’s personal questions.
My question is regarding “long distance dating.” I met a great guy about 6 weeks ago in my home town while he was here for a family event. I haven’t met anyone and felt such chemistry as I did with him in a long while. And he expressed feeling the same towards me.
Since then, we have kept in contact via email. He sends me the loveliest emails, asking me in-depth questions about my interests, family etc. and shares his own stories with me. He has even described the date he wishes to take me on, which would require him having to fly to my city and take me out here. He is finishing his degree at the moment, and he’s just picked up a full-time job in order to fund such a date, which is definitely a step in the right direction. So, no problems as of yet.
My question is though: What advice would you give to someone like me, that’s trying to get to know someone via email? How do you keep the interest going, with the aim of getting a face-to-face date priority?
First of all, congratulations on meeting what sounds like a really nice guy! He seems to be showing interest in getting to know you, and the fact that he’s mentioned that he wants to fly out and take you on a date is very sweet!
My first question would be to ask whether you are seeing or going out with anyone else. Although you are both taking the time to get to know one another, unless he’s asked you if you’d like to date exclusively or be his girlfriend, this phase would be just about getting to know one another better. Seeing other people will help you to avoid getting too attached to him before you’re actually in a relationship, while also keeping open the possibilities of meeting another wonderful man! That’s the beauty of dating: That we get to know lots of wonderful men and then choose the one we’d like to spend more time with (maybe even a lifetime!).
I hear you saying that most of the communications you have are via email. Some practical tips would be to also have some conversations on the phone or via Facetime, Skype, or another way that you can video chat. At least this way you are able to hear and see one another as you interact. While it may not be the same thing as spending time with one another in person, you’ll have the opportunity to observe and respond to each other’s facial expressions and see each other smile! This can make the interactions seem much more personal than email.
Regarding how to continue getting to know him and keep the interest going, just keep being who you’ve been being. He’s obviously showing interest in you and he’s taking the necessary steps to see you. Don’t think that you need to “do” anything to keep him interested. Who you are is more than enough, and, if you allow the relationship to unfold naturally, at its own pace, then you won’t have to worry about whether it was because you forced it. Instead, you’ll know that it progressed naturally and that he’s with you because he wants to be, not because of anything that you did or didn’t do to try to keep him interested in you.
I can tell you like him and want to spend more time with him. If he really does plan and carry out that face-to-face date, it is going to be a much sweeter and romantic experience if you just leave things up to him and let him be the one figuring out what he needs to do to see and spend time with you!
So, definitely keep getting to know him. Long-distance dating does have its unique set of challenges because you don’t get to spend as much in-person time together. However, I have several clients who are very happily engaged or married to men who were willing to move across the country and even to an entirely new country in order to be with them! So I know it can lead to lasting love!
If this relationship is meant to be, it will be. But, in the meantime – until it is actually a relationship – be open to seeing and getting to know other men so that you can be sure about who it is that you want to choose to be Mr. Right-for-You!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 18, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, Love, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
I love your blog, I’m very happy I found it. The question I want to ask is, is it possible to find a man who is masculine AND a kind and loving person? I meet guys who are either feminine and don’t want to take the lead, or are masculine and controlling. I’m wondering whether it’s a case of choosing one or the other, so I need to decide what I’m prepared to compromise on. Neither option appeals, to be honest!
In my work with women, I’ve learned that, when there is a recurring pattern in the type of men they are meeting, it usually stems from a fear and/or a limiting belief they have about men, dating, relationships, and themselves. These fears and limiting beliefs will “color” the glasses through which they see men and will impact the experience they have of dating and relationships.
The interesting thing about your question is that you seem to be attracting polar opposites. So, my first thought when I read the question was: How do you define “masculine”?
Whatever the answer to that question is will determine how you see men.
For example, you mention that the “feminine” man is one who doesn’t want to take the lead. Given that interpretation, when a man asks you what you like or prefer or where you’d like to go, you might see him as being indecisive, unassertive, or unable of making a decision. However, given another perspective, you might see that this type of man is truly interested in you and wants to make sure he stands a shot at pleasing you and seeing you happy. In other words, he is being kind and loving, but, if your view is that he’s being “feminine,” you won’t see be able to see that.
You also describe a “masculine” as “controlling.” This means that, in your eyes, a man who does take the lead, makes decisions, and is assertive might be seen as overbearing or demanding. Given another perspective, however, this same man could be seen as one who is confident, assertive, and sure about his ability to please you. Again, he might be the most loving and kind man, but given the belief that each time he makes a decision he is being “controlling,” nothing he does will occur for you as loving or kind.
Can you see, that, given whatever your definition or interpretation of what a “masculine man” is or should be, you may sending out mixed messages?
Our fears and limiting beliefs about ourselves, men, dating, and relationships will determine the way we experience being with a man. These fears are completely past-driven, based on an experience we had in the past, and come up whenever we think that something will or will not happen.
So, some questions you can ask yourself are:
- What are my limiting beliefs about men?
- Or, even more importantly: What is are my limiting beliefs about men and how they relate to me?
- What am I afraid will happen once I’m in a relationship with a man?
- What I am I afraid will not happen once I’m in a relationship with a man?
These questions can be tricky to answer without the guidance coach, because our minds tend to want to protect us from seeing what’s really there, particularly if the fear or limiting belief was created as a result of a negative or traumatic event from our past. However, ask them of yourself, be willing to be 100% honest and transparent with yourself, and see what you are able to uncover.
Once you identify your fears and limiting beliefs as what they really are – thoughts – not “the truth,” but just thoughts – then you can choose to replace them with new thoughts. And, once you replace the old thoughts with new ones, you can now choose to see something different the next time a man asks you for your preference or makes a decision.
Thoughts create what we interpret as our reality, and our experience of dating and relationships are no exception.
Norman Vincent Peale could have very well been speaking to a woman about to go out on a date when he said, “Change your thoughts and you change your world.”
Click here to read Part 2 of this post.
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 17, 2013 | HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance, Sex
by Gladys Diaz
I’ve been married for 4 years and have known my husband for 7 years. When we first met, everything seemed to click into place. One thing he talked about was sensuality and sexuality and said he had an extremely high libido. Well, that never showed itself and I figured since we had so many different challenges over the years, once “one thing” is taken care of, then we’d have this blissful sex he used to talk about. Seven years later and I’ve given up hope.
I’ve been wanting sex, but he never does and never did. I’ve tried to look pretty myself in so many ways, be the perfect loving wife, tried to be patient as he sorted through life’s challenges. We average the sex act 3 or 4 times a year. It’s never pleasurable for me, but it’s something. He doesn’t know how to please me, though I’ve gently tried to encourage him. We’ve been to couples counseling and basically they feel he’s lazy and didn’t have any upbringing on lovemaking and relationships. Though he talked the talk, that was it.
We went to his primary care doctor to see if he had any medical issues to attribute to this. Nothing. He does have restless leg syndrome and Attention Deficit Disorder. He recently was diagnosed with depression and is on medication. The meds made him a new person for the better, except, the lack of sex and intimacy is the same.
He spoke so sweet to me at first, as if I was his world 7 yrs ago but shortly after, became part of the furniture or his roommate or UFC buddy. I get judged by people saying why am I with him. Well, he said he loves me and he doesn’t know why he’s like that. I tell myself and others who judge me that if I was that person who had the issue, I wouldn’t want someone to give up on me. Then, I’m regarded as a fool, my friends and family disappear and treat me as if I’m a clown.
I can hear your frustration and can imagine there is some sadness mixed in with the hopelessness you’re feeling. Sexual intimacy is such an important part of marriage, and, when it’s missing, it can lead to frustration and resentment.
While you say you’ve given up hope, I also hear that you are not ready to give up on him or your relationship. This is a testament to the love you feel for him and makes me think that there are other things about your husband that you love. Those are probably the same qualities that had you fall in love with and choose to marry him.
I’m wondering whether you and your husband practice other forms of intimacy besides intercourse. Is there any hand-holding, kissing, or hugging? Do you stimulate and please one another in other ways? Are you open to using toys and other stimulants in the bedroom? Sometimes, when the focus is not on the act of intercourse and there is play involved, it can make it easier for both partners to relax, explore, and discover new ways to please each other.
The fact that your husband has been willing to go to medical doctors and couples’ counseling is a testament to the fact that he knows you’re unhappy and he wants to try to make things better. Listening to counselors tell him that he’s lazy and doesn’t know how to make love or be in a relationship can’t be easy to hear. If he also hears from you how unhappy you are, how he’s not meeting your expectations and how he needs to figure out what is wrong, it could be adding to his inability to initiate or perform.
I’m wondering if you’d be willing to not mention the fact that he never wants to have sex for a while. The pressure of knowing that this is an aspect of your relationship that you are not happy about and in which he seems to be unable to please you could make it even more difficult for him to initiate. If some of the pressure was off, it’s possible that he might feel more relaxed, confident, and willing to initiate. I know it’s probably easier said than done, but, given how much our men want to please and see us happy, I believe that, if given some space without sex feeling like an obligation he’s not meeting may make it easier for him to make the first move.
In the meantime, I recommend that you take good care of yourself. This means making sure that you are doing things for yourself that make you feel good. It’s important that you are caring for your emotional, physical, and spiritual, as well as your sexual needs by doing something every day for the pure and simple pleasure of it.
Self-care doesn’t have to be expensive or time-consuming. It can be anything that you enjoy doing – reading, exercising, going for a walk, spending time with your girlfriends (the ones who are supportive of you trying to save your marriage, not the ones who you mention are judging you and your husband). It can be lighting a candle while you take a long bath, listening to your favorite music, engaging in a hobby – basically anything that you enjoy and brings you pleasure. And, yes, it can mean pleasuring yourself sexually, if that is what you feel you need.
Practicing self-care not only helps us take responsibility for our own happiness, but it also helps us have more peace and patience than when we’re feeling exhausted, anxious, and depleted of energy and joy. We are much better able to be loving, understanding, and patient with our spouses when we’ve replenished ourselves and are not depending on them to make us happy. And a woman who is peaceful, smiling, and appreciative is also very attractive! You’ll be feeling and looking good, both inside and out!
I’m not saying that this will solve all of your issues, or that your husband will all of a sudden begin initiating sex. However, focusing on other forms of intimacy, refraining from complaining about or bringing up the lack of sex, and practicing good self-care can help create a space where the opportunity to have sex doesn’t feel like an obligation for either one of you, and where you will feel better able to deal with the situation, while, at the same time, creating opportunities to connect with your husband in different ways.
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 16, 2013 | Forgiveness, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
What do you do if you realize you married someone whose life vision is very different from yours and that causes great stress? I am focused on getting a business in place, having a home that I am proud of, family is very important to me. For my husband, the way the house looks isn’t important, family is a bother, and he is struggling in his business. There is very little support for my priorities.
It sounds to me as if you and your husband may simply in two different places at the moment. There are things that you feel are priorities, and he may have different priorities. However, consider different does not mean either set of priorities is right or wrong, good or bad. They are simply different.
I hear that you are frustrated and feeling stressed out. Many times, the frustration we feel is not due to the actual circumstances we are experiencing with our spouse or partner. Instead, the stress is coming from wanting him to feel the same way we do. We expend an enormous amount of time and energy trying to convince him that he’s wrong, that he should change his mind, and, basically, that he should agree and want to do things our way.
I’m like you. I like to have my home tidy, clean, and presentable. For years my husband and I argued about the state of the kitchen counter. At that time, he didn’t have an office in our home, and his space was the counter around our kitchen island. It would be full of mail, his electronics, his watches, and what felt to me like everything else he owned. I asked him repeatedly to please clean off the counter. I explained how much it upset me. I tried tidying up the counter myself (resentfully). I complained, criticized, and nagged him about it. Nothing worked. Most of the time he ignored me and would leave the mess until 5 minutes before company arrived, or until I cleaned it off myself.
Finally, one day, after I’d cleaned up the kitchen and living room areas (everything except the counter), I said, “I love it when the house is tidy and all the surfaces are clear. It makes me feel so peaceful. He didn’t say or do anything then, but we had company coming over the next day, and I vowed I wasn’t going to argue about the counter again. It just wasn’t worth it.
The next day I came downstairs about an hour before the company was set to arrive, and I noticed that the counter was completely cleared off. I smiled and said, “Thank you for cleaning off the counter, honey!” He said, “You’re welcome,” and nothing else. After everyone left and I was cleaning up the kitchen, I noticed he was helping to clean up the living room, so I thanked him for all of his help that day. A little while later he asked me, “Want to know why I cleared off the counter?” I said, “Yes. Why?” He said, “Because you didn’t nag me about it and I knew it would make you happy.” And he was right! It did.
That was about four years ago, and I haven’t had to mention the counters again! Every once in a while it gets a little messy, but once a week, he goes through the mail and gets the counter looking neat again. I’m so grateful for both the effort he makes to please me and the peace in my home!
I also used to nag my husband about spending too much time on the computer or playing video games. I used to tell him he should get a better job or ask for a raise. And I’d remind him constantly about the things he said he’d do that he hadn’t done yet.
I thought I was just telling him what I felt was important. I thought I was just sharing my thoughts and feelings with him. And, many times, I thought that, if he really loved me, and if he was really the right guy for me, he would do these things without me having to tell him.
What I didn’t realize was that all of the complaining, criticizing, and correcting was actually causing the opposite of what I wanted to happen. See, when all we do is tell our husbands what they are doing wrong or not “right enough,” all they can hear is that they are “wrong” and that they need to be “fixed” or “changed.” And, quite frankly, they don’t like being told what they should do any more than we do!
There isn’t a man on this planet who will tell you that he’s been inspired to change or do anything differently by his wife or girlfriend’s nagging. In fact, the more we nag about something, the more we can expect that behavior to stay in place.
So, what can we do to get more help, more time, and more support? Simply express your desires. Expressing your desires is about telling him what you want or don’t want, but not what you want him to do or not do.
So, rather than saying, “I want you to put the dirty clothes in the hamper, instead of leaving it on the floor,” ask yourself what it is that you want. Focus on the end result. If you think about it, what you really want is a neat room, so just say, “I want the room to look neat.”
Instead of complaining and saying, “You never take me out dancing anymore,” say, “I’d like to go dancing.”
Instead of complaining that he never helps around the house, say, “I want to make meatloaf, but I don’t want to wash the dishes.”
Instead of telling him, “You should spend more time with me and the kids,” tell him, “I’d like to spend time with you” or, even better, “I miss spending time with you.”
In each of these examples, you are focusing on what you want, not on what you want him to do. This presents him with an invitation, instead of an obligation. And, when we let our men know what we want, purely, with no expectations or criticisms, that’s what inspires them. They just want to please us!
I know it sounds too simple. I know, because I often feared that just saying what I wanted wouldn’t be enough. I felt I might need to give him the reasons and explain why I wanted what I wanted. But I’ve found that the more purely I express what I want, the better!
So, I invite you try it. Instead of telling your husband all of the things he’s not doing to support you, just tell him what would please you. Start the sentence with “I want…” or “I’d like,” and remember to focus on the end result, instead of what you think he should do.
And, of course, when he does something that pleases you and helps fulfill your desires, thank him. Let him know that you noticed and that you appreciate it. When he knows that he’s pleased you and that he’s also appreciated, that will ignite within him the desire to continue wanting to please you. At the same time, you’ll be creating a wonderful dynamic of respect, generosity, and gratitude and bringing peace and tenderness back into your marriage!
Please let me know how it goes!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 15, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Infidelity, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
I have recently reconnected with a past friend/relationship. There was no sex or desire to be with him then. Then one day 2yrs ago, I had a problem with my phone and contacted the company, and who came to my door… him! He was filling in for another guy who was on holidays. I think “What’s the chance of this happening?”
It’s been 16yrs and we have both traveled and had lives. He is married and I’m a single parent. Our connection this time round is very strong and soulful. He said he loved me and my inner core was so happy.
He is unhappy in his marriage and we have been talking and not gone to the next step. My thoughts are with him all day and he says he feels the same. I do love him, but where and what do we/I do now? I close my eyes and I can see us together in the future. I haven’t had this before. Is he a soulmate?
I can see how having someone pop back into your life again after so many years could have you asking “What’s the chance of this happening?” and wondering whether this was “meant to be.” I can also hear that you feel a deep connection to him and want to be with him.
You’re asking what you should do. I think a more important question for you to answer is, “What do I want to experience in a relationship?” This question is critical because, unless you know what you want, you will settle for what you think you can get. For the past two years, you have been involved with a married man. I acknowledge you for not taking it to the next step, and I also wonder why he’s still married after two years if he’s really that unhappy in his marriage and wants to be with you.
Please understand that I’m not saying this to be mean. This is your choice to make and you know what works best for you. It just sounds like you have really fallen for and want a relationship with him and that you may have invested to years of your life in a man who is unavailable and unable to commit to you because he is still married to someone else.
I have way too many stories of clients and friends who waited and waited for the man they were in love with to leave his wife, only to end up broken-hearted after several years. The fact of the matter is that until a man is divorced from his wife – not just “separated,” but legally divorced – he is still legally bound to his wife. This makes him unavailable to anyone else, because, even if he wanted to marry someone else, right now, he couldn’t, because it is illegal to do so.
Some women will argue that the man says he is miserable and that the divorce is complicated, or that his wife won’t agree to the terms. What I’ve seen in my experience is that, when a man wants out, he gets out and figures out a way to deal with all of the complications.
The fact that it’s been two years and he’s still married makes me wonder about just how unhappy he is and how willing he is to begin a life with you. I’m not saying that he’s lying about how unhappy he is. However, he is lying – at least to his wife – if she is unaware of what is going on and that he’s been building this intimate friendship/relationship with you.
You ask what you should do now. The answer is going to come from what it is you want to experience in a relationship. I can hear that what you want is a loving, intimate connection with a soulmate. You just need to ask yourself whether that dream relationship also includes being with a person who is faithful and completely committed to being with you and you, alone.
If not, and you’re willing to be involved with a married man, while I don’t recommend it, then you can choose to proceed with allowing this relationship to move to another level. If, however, love, connection, commitment and fidelity are important to you, then, right now, this is not the right man for you, because he’s simply unavailable.
Either way, the choice of whether to continue with or end this relationship is yours to make. In choosing, I recommend that you think about what you really want and then make the choice that honors that desire and leaves you feeling the most loved and fulfilled!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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