by heartsdesireintl | Jun 26, 2013 | breakups, Communication, Dating, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Infidelity, Love, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
For the past four weeks, I’ve been in a relationship with a guy who acted so serious and told me to stop seeing other guys. He would get mad if he came to my house and I was not around. Two days ago, I checked his phone and found out a girl is presently pregnant by him. I asked him to explain and he said he couldn’t and started blaming me for touching his phone, so I left. He hasn’t called me since I left his house. I won’t call him again, but do you think I did the right thing?
The first thing that popped into my head when I read your email was “What had you want to check his phone?” Could it have been your intuition?
In working with women, I often hear that they feel that they can’t trust their intuition, because “it’s broken.” They refer to examples of times when they were suddenly surprised by infidelity or discovering an addiction or physically abusive tendencies in their boyfriends or husbands, or realizing that they guy just wasn’t the right man for them. Upon speaking with the women a little more at length, we discover that many of the signs had been there all along. They just chose to ignore the red flags so that they wouldn’t have to make the choice to leave. Usually, the choice to ignore red flags and alarms that may be going off is based on fear and not wanting to recognize that the relationship is not really what we want, so that we don’t have to make the choice to walk away.
Here are some questions I invite you to ask yourself so that you can have more clarity about what happened and what it is that you want, moving forward:
- You mentioned that you’ve been in a relationship with this man for four weeks. How long did you date him before you chose to become exclusive?
- Did you give yourself an opportunity to get to know him well before choosing to stop seeing other men?
- How did it make you feel when he got angry if you weren’t home? Did you feel safe? …afraid? Did you take it as a positive sign?
- And, finally, do you want him to call you back knowing that he is about to have a baby with someone else and did not tell you about it? If so, why is that?
There’s nothing “wrong” with him having a baby with someone else if they are no longer together. I think that may have you feeling upset is that he did not tell you about this. Another question you may want to ask yourself is whether a new baby being in the picture is something you feel you are ready and willing to deal with to deal with so this early in a relationship?
You ask whether I think that you did the right thing. If you’re referring to looking through his phone, I have to say “no,” because that was not respectful of his privacy. However, I think the bigger question is why you felt compelled to look through his phone in the first place. That may give you the answer that will make the biggest difference for you, moving forward.
If you’re referring to whether or not you made a good choice by leaving and not calling him back, I do believe that those were good choices you made if you felt unsafe in any way or if the conversation was turning into an argument. Sometimes, it’s best to walk away and take some time to gain clarity about how you feel and what it is you want so that you can make a choice that empowers you and is aligned with what your heart desires.
I invite you to the time to ask yourself the questions above so that you can get the closure you want for yourself. And, of course, free to reach out to me if you’d like some additional support in working through this.
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 22, 2013 | breakups, Forgiveness, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Infidelity, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Parenting, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
I dated a man for 7 years before I married him. We had, – or I should say I had – an awful experience with my stepchildren. They kept accusing me of being a gold digger, and not only am I NOT, but I watched the greedy children complain about what they were getting if I married him. We ended up running off and eloped! What a mistake.
It was only days into the marriage and they were walking in our home like they stilled lived there. Borrowing excessive money behind my back and created a wedge by only communicating with their dad and made me feel like an outsider.
To make a long story short, I filed for divorce and a restraining order after multiple abuse and disappearing acts and text messages to old girlfriends. My dilemma is I keep going back and forth about whether he really loved me and, if so, what went wrong and could it have been worked out? I can’t seem to trust anyone! I’m very skeptical of every guy I meet or date, I feel like I never got closure because of the restraining order/no contact order. However, he texted me numerous times, mailed perfume, called my therapist, and challenged boundaries over and over again. The police did nothing but slap his hand. And, as for me, I still feel like I need to tell him off or expose his lies and deceit to the world before I can move on. He betray me in every way and yet painted a picture of how much he loved me to everyone when, in fact, lied about his abuse and cheating on me. I know it takes time, but, sheez, I was made as a fool. I truly believe he’s a narcissist. How do I move on?
I can hear how much pain you feel at having that relationship turn out the way it did and how afraid you are to move forward. Having invested that much time with someone, only to have things not turn out the way you had hoped and dreamed would leave anyone feeling unsure of herself and about what to do to move on.
The first thing I thought of when I read your email was, “How were things during those 7 years of courtship?” Seven years is a very long time to wait to get married and long time for someone to not reveal his true colors.
I’m wondering if there were reasons why it took that long for a commitment to be made, beyond the issues with his children. I also wonder what your relationship with him and his children was like before you both began talking about marriage and how he responded to the way you were treated by them.
Blending a family can have its challenges, and how the couple chooses to address those challenges prior to marriage sets the foundation for what it will be like once they are married.
Did you let him know how much their behavior hurt you? Was he willing to stand up for you? Did he treat you with love and respect in front of them? How did you feel about becoming part of the family? Did you express those feelings purely to him – not telling him what he needed to do about it, but just sharing what you felt and how you would like to feel? And how did he respond to their efforts to ignore and make you feel left out?
I want to clarify that I’m not saying that any of this was your “fault.” I don’t believe that blaming or shaming ourselves serves us in any way. However, in order to truly begin to move forward, it’s important that we are willing to take responsibility for the role that we played in the relationship, looking to see where we were willing to accept things that we knew did not feel right for us, and learning those lessons so that we do not repeat the same behaviors in the future. It’s not “easy” work, to look within, rather than outside of ourselves for the things that didn’t work, but it is an essential to creating new patterns of thought and behavior.
For example, you mention that there were incidents of abuse and infidelity. Were there were signs and red flags regarding his tendencies to hurt and be unfaithful to you?
It’s been my experience in working with women that, when there has been abuse and consistent incidences of infidelity in the marriage, there were actually red flags that were ignored early in the relationship.
Was he prone to getting excessively angry? Did he ever shake or push you or put his hands on you in anger? Were there times when you felt afraid for your safety and later dismissed, excused, or rationalized his behavior and the way you felt? Did you feel emotionally and physically safe when you were with him?
Regarding the infidelity, were there disappearances prior to getting married? Would he drop out of communication for long periods of time? It sounds like you found inappropriate text messages. Did something make you look through his phone to find the text messages?
Usually, when women invest time in looking through their husbands’ or boyfriends’ phones, computers, and electronic accounts, it’s because something in their gut is sending is telling them that there is something going on. Were there signs prior to getting married that he might not be capable of being faithful to you?
Again, please understand that I’m not saying you did anything to deserve any type of unacceptable behavior on his part. It’s just important that you’re willing to see whether there was anything you might have done that sent the message that behavior that hurt, dishonored, or disrespected you was something you would tolerate or excuse.
It’s important that you recognize whether there were signs that were ignored and ways that you justified them so that you can be aware of these in the future and not allow your fears and uncertainty to keep you from being willing to open your heart to a man who will love and cherish you the way you deserve!
It’s also important to remember to have compassion with yourself. I imagine that it can’t be easy for you to have been through everything you’ve gone through. Regardless of whether or not there were signs that were ignored, the fact is that you loved him and you envisioned yourself being loved by him for the rest of your life. Seeing that dream come to an end can’t be an easy reality to deal with, and I hope that you are taking time to really bring love, forgiveness, and compassion to yourself. The truth is that, whatever decisions and choices that were made in the past, they are not predictors of what is possible for you in the future. You are deserving of love, time, attention, loyalty, and intimacy.
If you can own the role you played in your previous relationship, take the lessons from it that will serve you, and bring compassion and love to yourself, you will be on the path to moving beyond this pain and opening your heart again so that you can experience the love you deserve and your heart desires!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 15, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Infidelity, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
I have recently reconnected with a past friend/relationship. There was no sex or desire to be with him then. Then one day 2yrs ago, I had a problem with my phone and contacted the company, and who came to my door… him! He was filling in for another guy who was on holidays. I think “What’s the chance of this happening?”
It’s been 16yrs and we have both traveled and had lives. He is married and I’m a single parent. Our connection this time round is very strong and soulful. He said he loved me and my inner core was so happy.
He is unhappy in his marriage and we have been talking and not gone to the next step. My thoughts are with him all day and he says he feels the same. I do love him, but where and what do we/I do now? I close my eyes and I can see us together in the future. I haven’t had this before. Is he a soulmate?
I can see how having someone pop back into your life again after so many years could have you asking “What’s the chance of this happening?” and wondering whether this was “meant to be.” I can also hear that you feel a deep connection to him and want to be with him.
You’re asking what you should do. I think a more important question for you to answer is, “What do I want to experience in a relationship?” This question is critical because, unless you know what you want, you will settle for what you think you can get. For the past two years, you have been involved with a married man. I acknowledge you for not taking it to the next step, and I also wonder why he’s still married after two years if he’s really that unhappy in his marriage and wants to be with you.
Please understand that I’m not saying this to be mean. This is your choice to make and you know what works best for you. It just sounds like you have really fallen for and want a relationship with him and that you may have invested to years of your life in a man who is unavailable and unable to commit to you because he is still married to someone else.
I have way too many stories of clients and friends who waited and waited for the man they were in love with to leave his wife, only to end up broken-hearted after several years. The fact of the matter is that until a man is divorced from his wife – not just “separated,” but legally divorced – he is still legally bound to his wife. This makes him unavailable to anyone else, because, even if he wanted to marry someone else, right now, he couldn’t, because it is illegal to do so.
Some women will argue that the man says he is miserable and that the divorce is complicated, or that his wife won’t agree to the terms. What I’ve seen in my experience is that, when a man wants out, he gets out and figures out a way to deal with all of the complications.
The fact that it’s been two years and he’s still married makes me wonder about just how unhappy he is and how willing he is to begin a life with you. I’m not saying that he’s lying about how unhappy he is. However, he is lying – at least to his wife – if she is unaware of what is going on and that he’s been building this intimate friendship/relationship with you.
You ask what you should do now. The answer is going to come from what it is you want to experience in a relationship. I can hear that what you want is a loving, intimate connection with a soulmate. You just need to ask yourself whether that dream relationship also includes being with a person who is faithful and completely committed to being with you and you, alone.
If not, and you’re willing to be involved with a married man, while I don’t recommend it, then you can choose to proceed with allowing this relationship to move to another level. If, however, love, connection, commitment and fidelity are important to you, then, right now, this is not the right man for you, because he’s simply unavailable.
Either way, the choice of whether to continue with or end this relationship is yours to make. In choosing, I recommend that you think about what you really want and then make the choice that honors that desire and leaves you feeling the most loved and fulfilled!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Jun 12, 2013 | breakups, Dating, Forgiveness, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Infidelity, Intimacy, Love, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
I recently was the victim of a relationship, that ended after 3 years of me paying all the bills, buying all the food and anything else needed in our home, only to find out the man who I was basically babysitting was Facebooking with a woman from his past and hadn’t seen in over 20 years, on his phone, which I had turned back on for him, and he was telling this other woman they were soulmates! I was crushed, threw him out, and, of course, he owes me money that he promised to pay back! Now I am scared to even think of another relationship! How do I mend me and go on?
Thanks for reaching out with your question. I can hear how hurt and afraid you feel. It sounds like you were giving a lot and not getting much in return over the course of several years. However, I think that seeing yourself as a “victim” is giving him a lot more power than he deserves. You made some choices that you probably won’t choose to make again, but that doesn’t make you his “victim.”
I can understand you being a little weary about getting involved with someone else. You might feel like your intuition is “broken.” But if you’re willing to accept that a lot of what happened in your last relationship was a choice, then you’ll probably see where there were signs all along that he wasn’t the right guy for you. Maybe part of you thought you could help him so he’d be able to put his life together. Maybe part of you thought you could “save” him, or love him enough that he’d change. Whatever the reason, you chose to stay with him, and he ended up hurting you
One of the biggest steps we can take when healing and getting ready to move forward is being willing to look within and see where we played a role in the relationship, what lessons were learned, and then get really clear about what we want to experience in our next relationship.
I always tell my clients that, when we’re willing to take responsibility for the role we’ve played up to this point, we also get to take credit for turning our lives around! So, are you willing to accept that, for whatever reason, you chose to take care of and “babysit” him, even though you weren’t receiving what you wanted out of the relationship? And, if you’ve been beating yourself up about it, can you forgive yourself and just accept that it’s what you chose then, and you probably won’t choose to do that again?
So, I invite you to stop seeing yourself as a victim. Instead, gain power from this experience and trust yourself to make a better choice next time – one that leads you to having the love and happiness you deserve. And, as you do begin to meet new people, check in with yourself and see if you feel you are getting as much attention and affection as you are giving. If you’re not, ask yourself why you are choosing to settle for less than what you want and deserve to experience. And if you are, then open your heart and allow yourself to receive his time, love, and attention freely, knowing that you are getting the you deserve and that your heart desires!
Comments? Questions? Let us know. We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Jun 9, 2013 | breakups, Dating, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Infidelity, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
I have been dating with my boyfriend for 3years and recently I found out that he had some affairs with other girls. When I confronted him, he told me nothing but that he was feeling he needed validation from other people. Then some days later he called me up and ended the relationship saying that he is not ready yet, that I was too good for him now, and that I should give him time to better himself. I felt so bad, so much so, that this situation affected my academics, and now I have been asked to withdraw from my course because I was not able to pass a certain number of papers. I feel so depressed and confused.
I really want to get out of this situation. I have taken sometime to forgive myself and forgive him. I have cut all contacts with him. I just want to be able to focus on what makes me happy right now. Right now I am in a dilemma because I am still not able to figure out what is next. I really need your help because I always find myself hoping things will get better with him someday. I really am myself when I am with him and he is a nice person.
I think that one of the most painful things a person can go through is being betrayed by someone they love. Creating a relationship involves so much vulnerability and the willingness to open our heart to someone, all the while knowing that there are no guarantees and that we might get hurt. Knowing this, however, doesn’t make the pain any less severe when we find that the person has betrayed our trust.
I know you refer to your ex-boyfriend as “a nice person,” and it’s possible that he’s very kind. However, it sounds from your email that there was more than one case of infidelity. So, as nice or kind as he may be, if he’s incapable of being faithful to you, then he simply is not the right guy for you. The truth is that you deserve to be with someone who chooses to be with you and only you.
If your ex had chosen to take responsibility for the infidelity, apologized and promised to be faithful and commit to making the relationship work, I’d tell you that, while it makes the journey a little more difficult once the trust has been broken in the relationship, with support, it is possible to truly forgive, recommit, and make things work.
The fact that he said he needs time to work on bettering himself, that he doesn’t feel you deserve him, and he’s not ready to commit to you right now, while painful to hear, is probably the kindest and most loving thing he could have done. Rather than continue to lie or pretend that he’s in this relationship 100%, he’s choosing to let you go, stop hurting you and, hopefully, focus on himself. This is actually something for which you can be grateful.
I hear you saying that you want to do the same and focus on what makes you happy right now, and that’s exactly what I’d recommend. This is the time to really focus on what you want for yourself and your life. If being in school is something that is important to you and having that career is something you really want, then I’d recommend speaking to whoever you need to speak to regarding what you can do to get back on track. If you haven’t been pampering yourself, taking time to just relax and replenish your heart, body, and spirit, now is the time to begin scheduling those things into your day. If you have girlfriends or family members who will support you in moving forward with your dreams, then surround yourself and spend time with them.
This is the time for you to take responsibility for your own happiness and to really focus on becoming the woman you were created to be. This is what is going to help you feel more confidence, joy, fulfillment, and peace of mind and heart. And it’s also what is going to make you very attractive to the man who is right for you. He will see your joy, confidence, and peace, and will be attracted to you and to the idea of adding to that happiness.
As for your ex and holding onto hope that things will get better, I know it’s difficult, but, if what you want is to experience a relationship where you are loved, honored, and respected, then you’re probably going to need to let go and close this chapter of your life so that you can begin to create the next one.
Trust that everything is happening just as it should. Trust that you found out for a reason and that the relationship ended for a reason. And trust that you can and will have a relationship where the man chooses to love, to commit, and to be with you and only you, because that is what you deserve!
Comments? Questions? Let us know. We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
