Few things can be more detrimental to relationships than dysfunctional patterns. Repeating the same painful experiences over and over again can be exhausting and can make you believe that perhaps there’s nothing you can do to change the results you keep producing!
Learning how to end dysfunctional patterns is one of the first things Michelle and I teach women because, until you address the underlying issues, thoughts, actions, and behaviors that have harmed your relationships in the past, you will continue to repeat them, no matter who your partner is!
So, ask yourself these questions:
Do you keep attracting the same type of man?
Do you keep having the same argument with your partner?
Do you keep having the same outcome, no matter who you are dating?
Do you keep experiencing heartache after heartache and wondering why the same thing keeps happening to you
In today’s video, I teach you the first step in “short-circuiting” a dysfunctional relationship pattern so that you can begin to experience fun, peace and LOVE in your relationships!
Click the image below to watch now!
This is just the first step in learning how break a dysfunctional behavior pattern once and for all. If you want to discuss your next steps, click below to schedule time to talk with me!
This past week has been one of those lesson-learning not-so-comfortable weeks
You know… the kind of week that pretty much changes
Not only was my oldest son was a way at summer camp, several states away from me, for a whole week, but I also could not communicate with him to make sure that he was
As I’ve mentioned before, my son has Autism, so I really had to surrender and have faith that he would be able to deal all of the things that were so far outside of his comfort zone (and mine!), like not knowing what was going to be served for meals, sleeping in a tent during the thunderstorms that came through at night, and facing his fear of spiders and
When I saw my son step out of the bus on Saturday night, it took everything in the world for me not to lose it! I felt so much joy and relief! He was in one piece, smiling, looked like he’d matured 5 years, and all he wanted to do was hug
Yes, there were “horror stories” of spiders and bugs and rain and mud, but, overall, he had a good time, he asked for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches when he didn’t like the food being served, tried to keep the bugs away from him with repellent, and he said he was so tired he slept through the
As uncomfortable and unfamiliar as it all felt for him, he got through it (and so did
What this week taught me is that, even though things may be scary and uncomfortable – and way out of your comfort zone – it’s only when you step outside of our comfort zone that you can
Think about it.
The results that you have today are the results you’ve been able to produce from inside of your comfort zone.
The relationships you’ve had (or not had) the experiences you’ve created, and the current state of your love life were all produced inside of your comfort zone.
The comfort zone keeps you feeling “safe.” It has you make predictable choices. It doesn’t ask you to risk too much, because that would feel uncomfortable.
The truth is, however that the results you really want can’t be produced inside of your comfort zone.
If you want to change your current situation, you’re going to have to be willing to step beyond what feels safe and comfortable and take a risk.
You’re going to have to be willing to let go of the familiar patterns and behaviors that have been keeping you stuck and feeling hopeless and alone.
You’re going to need to make a change.
And, yes, it’s going to feel scary.
And, no, there are no guarantees.
On the other hand, the only guarantee inside of your comfort zone is that you’ll continue making the same choices, getting the same results, and having the same painful experiences you’ve been having.
Imagine for a second what you’d be able to do if you stepped outside of your comfort?
What would be possible for you?
If you’re really readyto step outside of your comfort zone, but you’re not sure how, go ahead and click on the link below to set up a time to talk. I’ve got just a few spots available for next week, so make sure you click below and schedule time now!
On this call I promise to help you create a plan for stepping outside of this comfort zone so that you can begin to move past whatever has been stopping you in having the kind of loving relationship you want!
No more “being comfortable,” but not getting what you want.
No more pretending you’re okay with the status quo when you know you want more!
It’s time to step outside your comfort zone and get the love you want!
No matter where you are right now, if it’s not where you want to be in terms of being in the loving relationship your heart desires, then I’m going to encourage you to take a step outside of your comfort zone, and click on the link below!
One of our favorite parts of being relationship coaches is being able to help women through some of the difficult situations in their love lives.Many times, we are able to help a woman turn a difficult situation around in just a few minutes by helping her get clear about what is happening, help her set up some action steps, and then hold her accountable for completing those steps!
That’s why we are hosting a LIVE Love Q&A Call on Tuesday, June 23rd at 9:00pm ET!
On this call, we will be answering YOUR questions about love, dating, and relationships.
What’s causing you the biggest amount of pain right now in your love life?
Where do you feel “stuck” and unable to move forward in your love life?
What one question do you have that, if you had it answered, would help you move forward?
It takes courage to allow someone into your heart to help you break through the fear and pain that has been holding you back. Michelle and I promise to give you real steps that you can take to bust through those barriers and move forward, toward the life and love your heart desires!
To have your question answered on the call, please follow these simple steps:
Type your question in the “Question” box. Please be clear about the one thing you would like us to answer.
Set a reminder on your phone for Tuesday, June 23, 2015 at 9:00pm ET.
Be on the call ready to have a breakthrough!
Don’t have a question, but want to join us and hear the answers anyway? Click here to reserve your seat!
Whether you have a question or not, being on this call will be a powerful experience! You will learn relationship skills that will help you have a breakthrough in love!
Feel free to share this post with your friends so that they can join us, too!
P.S. What if one answer is all you need to leave the past behind and move toward the future and the love that are waiting there for you? Send us your question and register now!
This week my heart has been heavy. I’ve heard from three different women who have reached out to tell me that their marriages are ending. It’s heartbreaking for me to hear news like this. Marriage is such a sacred, precious union. When two people choose to join their lives because they love each other, they do it fully expecting the love that they feel for one another to grow stronger over the years. They do not get married hoping to hurt, disrespect, and kill the love they once felt for one another. I’m the first one to admit that having a wonderful marriage takes work. It’s a daily commitment to being my best self so that I can have the love, happiness, and peace in my marriage that envisioned when we first got married. It wasn’t always like this for us. We went through rough patches, just like every other couple. There were times when I wondered if we’d make it. I remember noticing that things were changing between us. I remember asking myself where the love, passion and fun we used to share had gone. We were arguing more often, rarely having fun together, and I carried my resentment like a badge of honor. We were not hugging, kissing, or sleeping together as often and there were many nights when I cried myself to sleep. Our marriage didn’t get to that point over night. There were signs along the way. Things had been getting bad for a while. And I silently prayed and hoped that things would change. One day I decided I couldn’t ignore what was happening any longer. I couldn’t just keep hoping and praying that things would get better. I knew I had to do something in order to transform who I was being so that I could help turn my marriage around. I began doing my inner work, sought out mentors and coaches who would help and hold me accountable, and began experiencing the inner shift that began having a very real effect on my marriage. It took some work and it didn’t happen overnight, but soon the constant arguing stopped. We were holding hands and smiling at each other again. We began laughing and kissing and making love again. My transformation helped transform my relationship and I began to see the man I’d fallen in love with in a whole new light! If you’re going through a difficult time in your marriage (or you know someone who is), don’t ignore the signs. Don’t pretend you don’t see them, and certainly don’t think that things are just magically going to get better on their own. They won’t.
In today’s video I do something I rarely do because of how protective I am of the time I have with my family on the weekends. However, I’m really committed to making a difference, so I’m offering to talk with a few of you who are ready to begin turning your marriage around this weekend.
Now, here’s the deal.
There are thousands of women reading this email right now and I’m only opening a few spots, because I still want to spend time with my husband and kids. I also only have two spots available in my private coaching program. So, I’m asking that you reach out to me only if you are serious about investing in and doing the work you’ll need to do to turn your marriage around before it’s too late.
I’m not giving you the link to my calendar. If you want to speak with me this weekend, send me an email. It will be a first-come-first serve basis and I will let you know the times I have available, which will be mid-morning/early afternoon Eastern time.
I know in my heart that you don’t have to suffer and that by applying certain skills and practices you can transform your marriage. I’ve helped hundreds of women do this and I want to help you, too.
The signs are there and the time is now. If you’re ready to turn things around, hit reply and let’s talk!
One of the most common complaints we get from women is that they feel like they don’t know how to communicate with men. This is true for single women, as well as those who are married and in relationships. There is simply a feeling that they are not being heard.
The main problem is usually that the opposite is true.
If you’re like most women, the truth is that you’re probably talking way too much!
Stay with me, here!
As a woman, you use about three times as many words as most men in a single day. You have the unique ability to be able to have a thought, connect a feeling to it, and connect that thought and feelings with words. And then you have the uncanny ability to speak those words – sometimes over, and over, and over again.
Usually, the over-talking comes from fear.
Fear that you won’t get what we want.
Fear that you’ll upset the other person.
Fear that you have to somehow justify why you want you want.
When those fears get in the way during conversations, over-talking is used as a way to try to convince the other person to agree with you, to pacify the other person, or to make a case for why what you want is important or necessary.
The problem is that, when you begin to talk too much, a man simply can’t hear what you are saying.
The desire, feeling, or need gets buried under a mountain of words, reasons, excuses, and justifications.
In order for him to get the point of what you are saying, your man needs to dig himself out from under all of that, which can feel overwhelming. Hence, the “glazed-over stare”!
If he feels like he is being pressured or manipulated into agreeing with something, he will resist, which will have him automatically get on the defensive. Now, you’ve become “the enemy.”
If he feels as if he’s being disrespected in any way, he’ll withdraw or completely shut down. Welcome to the cold shoulder or silent treatment.
In any of these cases, no matter how much you talk, he won’t hear you.
In fact, the more you talk, the less likely he is to hear you, because he’ll either be overwhelmed and unable to hear you, on-guard and only interested in defending himself, or shut down and disconnected from you.
Either way, you’re not getting what you want in that conversation: Connection
So, how can you speak in way where you can say what you want to say and have him hear you?
Get Clear. If you know that you tend to get wordy or long-winded you speak, make sure you’re clear about what you want to say. Talk it out with a friend before you bring it to him. If you have no one to talk to at the moment, speak it into your phone and record yourself, then listen to the recording. This way, you can hear what it’s like to be on the receiving end of what you are planning to say. (This can be such an eye-opener!)
Keep it Simple. Once you’re clear about what you want to say, see if you can get it down to a 3-5 word sentence. If you can’t, consider you’re trying to say too much. Also, avoid adding reasons and justifications to what you are sharing. Keeping the message simple not only helps you feel clear about what you’re saying, but allows him to hear you more clearly.
Take a Breath. Once you’ve clearly and succinctly said what you want to say, take a breath and stop talking. If you know that’s hard for you to do, take a breath and drink some water or put some food in your mouth! I know it sounds funny, but you’re going to have to train yourself to trust that once you’ve said what you want to say clearly, he’s heard you.
Listen. If he chooses to respond, listen to what he says without interrupting, contradicting, or defending your position. Give him an opportunity to respond and say what he thinks. Remember, he may not agree. That doesn’t mean he didn’t hear you. It just means he has a different opinion or feeling about it. Just listen to what he’s saying.
Allow there to be spaces of silence. There may be times when he doesn’t immediately respond to what you’ve said. Respect the silence and don’t make it mean that something is “wrong.” Men don’t have the same ability we have to almost immediately connect thoughts to feelings and words. Their brains work differently and, many times, they need more time to process what’s been said. And, as I tell my clients: He can’t hear his thoughts if he’s only hearing yours!
Communication in any relationship is critical, but this doesn’t only refer to the “talking” part of the equation.
So, the next time you’re going to speak with a man, remember to get clear about what you want to say, say it simply and clearly, then take a breath and listen. I promise it will feel like a whole new experience that will lead to a lot more closeness and connection!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Today I’d like to focus on the second “P”: Protecting the woman he loves.
It may seem a little old-fashioned to think that a man feels that he needs to “protect” the woman he loves. After all, we women have become very independent and self-sufficient, and we can take care of ourselves – physically, emotionally, and financially.
However, when you think back to the beginning of time, men were the providers and protectors. If they didn’t protect the tribe, people died. It was just that simple.
That need to feel like he’s capable of protecting you from harm is inherent in a man. When he has the experience that he’s not able to prevent something bad from happening to you, he may very well react with what appears to be anger. And, in the moment, it may seem like that anger is directed at you.
I remember one day I was sharing with my husband about a business deal. I had shared an idea and made a verbal agreement with someone about a program that we were going to partner together to create and launch. Eventually, it turned out that the person went ahead with the idea without me and offered me a role in the project, but not a full partnership. I, of course, was disappointed and hurt, and shared these feelings with my husband. I shared that I still wanted to be part of the project, because I believed in it, but I was very hurt that I had been informed about the change in plans after the fact.
All of a sudden, I felt like I was being “attacked.” Instead of comforting and encouraging me, he began yelling and telling me that I would be a fool to continue working with this person who obviously took an idea we had brainstormed together and ran with it on her own, without discussing anything with me. He kept getting louder and angrier, and I was completely confused and felt as if he was rubbing salt in my wounds.
Rather than say something I would regret, I went upstairs and laid in my chaise lounge chair, crying. On top of being hurt, I was angry! Why was he taking this out on me?
Then I asked myself a question that has helped me to move from anger to understanding in the past.
What would have him say something like that to me?
See, my husband loves me, and I know that he wants to protect me from harm, not cause me harm. As soon as I asked myself that question (What would have him say something like that to me?”), I was able to see it as clear as day: He was trying to protect me!
See, in my husband’s eyes, someone had let me down, hurt me, cost me what could have been a great financial opportunity, and left me out of a partnership I had been so excited about being a part of.
However, worse than all of that, there was nothing he could do to prevent or “fix” it for me.
He felt helpless because he didn’t and couldn’t protect me!
After I moved from anger to compassion, I then moved into a space of gratitude!
I was so grateful that my husband was so loving and protective – even if he didn’t express it the way I would express it.
I walked downstairs, stood behind the couch he was sitting on, leaned down, and whispered in his ear, “I get it. You’re upset because you want to protect me from being hurt or taken advantage of. Thank you for your love.”
He turned around and looked me in the eye. I don’t know if it was shock and awe at the fact that I’d figured it out, or just plain and simple relief that I got what he’d been trying to express, but I’ll never forget the look in his eyes. He just said, “I am upset. I love you and don’t like seeing you sad or hurt.”
I walked around the couch, sat next to him, and nuzzled my nose into the crook of his neck and cried a little bit more.
Nothing had been resolved, but I felt loved, protected and at peace, no matter what ended up happening with the business project! I had my hero next to me, and, right then and there, that was all that really mattered!
Think about it:
Has there been a time when you felt like your husband or boyfriend wasn’t being supportive of your dream or idea?
Consider that he wants more than anything to see you realize your dream and be happy, and is afraid you’ll be disappointed if your idea fails. And, because there’s nothing he can do to stop that from happening, he tries to discourage you from getting your hopes too high.
Has there been a time when he’s gotten angry at you for being friends with or associating with someone who has hurt or disappointed you in the past?
Consider that he hates seeing you sad and upset, so he gets angry, and directs that anger at you, because he’s afraid you’ll get hurt and disappointed again. And, because there isn’t much he can do to prevent that from happening, he tries pointing out how foolish it is to trust someone who was capable of hurting or lying to you in the first place.
Regardless of what your specific situation is, if you can try to listen for the love behind the words of anger, it’s very possible that you will also hear his his desire to keep you safe.
While you may not understand his approach, if you can listen for and hear his love and concern and his desire to protect you, you, too, will be able to move from upset, to compassion, to gratitude that you have a man at your side who wants nothing more than to be your hero!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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