by heartsdesireintl | Jun 22, 2013 | breakups, Forgiveness, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Infidelity, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Parenting, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
I dated a man for 7 years before I married him. We had, – or I should say I had – an awful experience with my stepchildren. They kept accusing me of being a gold digger, and not only am I NOT, but I watched the greedy children complain about what they were getting if I married him. We ended up running off and eloped! What a mistake.
It was only days into the marriage and they were walking in our home like they stilled lived there. Borrowing excessive money behind my back and created a wedge by only communicating with their dad and made me feel like an outsider.
To make a long story short, I filed for divorce and a restraining order after multiple abuse and disappearing acts and text messages to old girlfriends. My dilemma is I keep going back and forth about whether he really loved me and, if so, what went wrong and could it have been worked out? I can’t seem to trust anyone! I’m very skeptical of every guy I meet or date, I feel like I never got closure because of the restraining order/no contact order. However, he texted me numerous times, mailed perfume, called my therapist, and challenged boundaries over and over again. The police did nothing but slap his hand. And, as for me, I still feel like I need to tell him off or expose his lies and deceit to the world before I can move on. He betray me in every way and yet painted a picture of how much he loved me to everyone when, in fact, lied about his abuse and cheating on me. I know it takes time, but, sheez, I was made as a fool. I truly believe he’s a narcissist. How do I move on?
I can hear how much pain you feel at having that relationship turn out the way it did and how afraid you are to move forward. Having invested that much time with someone, only to have things not turn out the way you had hoped and dreamed would leave anyone feeling unsure of herself and about what to do to move on.
The first thing I thought of when I read your email was, “How were things during those 7 years of courtship?” Seven years is a very long time to wait to get married and long time for someone to not reveal his true colors.
I’m wondering if there were reasons why it took that long for a commitment to be made, beyond the issues with his children. I also wonder what your relationship with him and his children was like before you both began talking about marriage and how he responded to the way you were treated by them.
Blending a family can have its challenges, and how the couple chooses to address those challenges prior to marriage sets the foundation for what it will be like once they are married.
Did you let him know how much their behavior hurt you? Was he willing to stand up for you? Did he treat you with love and respect in front of them? How did you feel about becoming part of the family? Did you express those feelings purely to him – not telling him what he needed to do about it, but just sharing what you felt and how you would like to feel? And how did he respond to their efforts to ignore and make you feel left out?
I want to clarify that I’m not saying that any of this was your “fault.” I don’t believe that blaming or shaming ourselves serves us in any way. However, in order to truly begin to move forward, it’s important that we are willing to take responsibility for the role that we played in the relationship, looking to see where we were willing to accept things that we knew did not feel right for us, and learning those lessons so that we do not repeat the same behaviors in the future. It’s not “easy” work, to look within, rather than outside of ourselves for the things that didn’t work, but it is an essential to creating new patterns of thought and behavior.
For example, you mention that there were incidents of abuse and infidelity. Were there were signs and red flags regarding his tendencies to hurt and be unfaithful to you?
It’s been my experience in working with women that, when there has been abuse and consistent incidences of infidelity in the marriage, there were actually red flags that were ignored early in the relationship.
Was he prone to getting excessively angry? Did he ever shake or push you or put his hands on you in anger? Were there times when you felt afraid for your safety and later dismissed, excused, or rationalized his behavior and the way you felt? Did you feel emotionally and physically safe when you were with him?
Regarding the infidelity, were there disappearances prior to getting married? Would he drop out of communication for long periods of time? It sounds like you found inappropriate text messages. Did something make you look through his phone to find the text messages?
Usually, when women invest time in looking through their husbands’ or boyfriends’ phones, computers, and electronic accounts, it’s because something in their gut is sending is telling them that there is something going on. Were there signs prior to getting married that he might not be capable of being faithful to you?
Again, please understand that I’m not saying you did anything to deserve any type of unacceptable behavior on his part. It’s just important that you’re willing to see whether there was anything you might have done that sent the message that behavior that hurt, dishonored, or disrespected you was something you would tolerate or excuse.
It’s important that you recognize whether there were signs that were ignored and ways that you justified them so that you can be aware of these in the future and not allow your fears and uncertainty to keep you from being willing to open your heart to a man who will love and cherish you the way you deserve!
It’s also important to remember to have compassion with yourself. I imagine that it can’t be easy for you to have been through everything you’ve gone through. Regardless of whether or not there were signs that were ignored, the fact is that you loved him and you envisioned yourself being loved by him for the rest of your life. Seeing that dream come to an end can’t be an easy reality to deal with, and I hope that you are taking time to really bring love, forgiveness, and compassion to yourself. The truth is that, whatever decisions and choices that were made in the past, they are not predictors of what is possible for you in the future. You are deserving of love, time, attention, loyalty, and intimacy.
If you can own the role you played in your previous relationship, take the lessons from it that will serve you, and bring compassion and love to yourself, you will be on the path to moving beyond this pain and opening your heart again so that you can experience the love you deserve and your heart desires!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 19, 2013 | Dating, Heart's Desire International, Love, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
To see the Part 1 of this question and my response, go to yesterday’s post, “Your Thoughts Affect How You Experience Relationships.”
Dear Gladys,
Thanks for answering my question. I should have been clearer on what I meant by Masculine and Feminine. I don’t even think they are the right terms to use, but they do seem more like the negative, unhealthy sides of masculine and feminine energies, without the positive sides.
The “Feminine” men are the ones who are weak and indecisive, but also manipulative. They tend to have emotional problems, talk about their feelings endlessly (and I really mean endlessly, to the point where I dread seeing them because I know that’s all we’ll talk about, and if I ask if we can talk about something else, I’ll be accused of being cold and uncaring) but refuse professional help and want me to take care of them instead. They are very needy and clingy. They usually try to guilt and pressure me into a relationship with them and if that doesn’t work, they’ll recruit other people to pile on the pressure. They have very strong victim mentalities and are convinced that no-one understands them, everyone is mean to them and they usually identify “mean” as anyone who didn’t want to take responsibility for them. I find myself walking on eggshells around them, in case anything I say leads them to having some kind of freak out (I once had to pull over the car I was driving because the guy suddenly started freaking out about how he should never have to feel uncomfortable in any situation, and so what if everyone has to deal with this, f*ck them, why should he be constrained by their limitations) They seem like bottomless pits of need, no matter what anyone does for them, it’s never enough, and they turn pretty nasty when they don’t get their own way. Rather than a woman, they seem to want a mother or an unpaid therapist.
With the more Masculine men, when I say they seem controlling, I don’t mean in the sense that they take the lead or make decisions. I love that, and really appreciate when a man does it. I mean in the sense that, for example, they might have traveled a lot themselves, but really don’t like the fact that I have. They’re rude and short with waiters if the food isn’t EXACTLY how they want it, and get angry about it. They boast about how people in their work jump to their commands as soon as they click their fingers. They talk about how women should never put on weight and should always look and dress a certain way. I even had one guy tell me if he was married, he’d have limits on how often his wife’s family and friends could visit.
I used to get pulled in by the first type of guy’s story and would believe that he’d been hard done by. I don’t anymore and I leave when I see the signs of that behavior. The second kind of guy seems to be what I’m attracting now, so I seem to have over-corrected. Neither type of guy is very kind or loving.
Thanks for sending more clarification regarding your question and what you meant by “masculine” and “feminine.” I agree that those probably weren’t the best terms to describe what you were referring to, but I still invite you to explore this, because it could give you some insight into how you see yourself and men, since you refer to the men you see as being “feminine” as being needy and clingy. I’m not saying that this is how you see yourself as a woman, or women, in general, but it’s just something to look at and explore.
It appears that you’ve identified the pattern the first type of man you were attracting as men who were looking for someone to take care of or “rescue” them. As you described very well, that type of pattern can be exhausting, because you become an emotional “crutch” for the man and are constantly in giving mode, rather than receiving mode. While you may not be attracting that type of man anymore, I invite you to explore what it was that had you attracting men who you felt “needed” you to protect or save them. I’m not saying that you made them needy or that you even intended to attract that type of man. However, when there is a recurring pattern presenting itself in our lives, as I mentioned in the previous post, it’s not a coincidence. There is something that would have that type of man be drawn to you.
What I’ve seen with some of my clients is that they were unconsciously attracting men to whom they felt a little superior. Due to their own insecurities about themselves, they were seeking out someone who perhaps would not mind that they had something that they had not yet fully embraced or accepted within themselves.
Some women tend to draw in people who need them because they associate love with “giving” or “nurturing.” While, of course, in a relationship there will be times when we will be giving and sharing our love with the other person, the imbalance comes in when we are the only ones giving, which is what it sounds like you were experiencing. In this case, there comes a point where you feel depleted because you have been giving and giving and not receiving much love from yourself (in the form of self-care) or the other person in the relationship.
The other thing I noticed was that you mentioned the pattern of the men trying to “guilt you” into being in a relationship with them and then recruiting others to do the same. I’ve found that when we send a clear message about what we want and don’t want, even if the other person doesn’t really like or want to hear what we’re saying, there’s no need to feel pressured in any way, because we’re crystal-clear about what we want. It’s when we’re sending mixed messages, trying to be subtle about what we want, or even suggesting that we “stay friends,” when we have no interest whatsoever in doing that, that the other person interprets this as there still being some type of room or hope for there to eventually be a relationship.
From your response it seems like you are now attracting the type of man who (from your description) seems to be very demanding, critical, and overbearing. Again, I invite you to explore why you might be attracting this type of man? Think about whether there is anything happening on the date that might have a man feel that he needs to “prove” that he’s smarter, more worldly, powerful, and that he commands respect from others.
Again, you’re not responsible for anyone else’s behavior, but you are the magnet that is attracting these men. By looking within, you may be able to identify what it is that would have this pattern emerging, because this is no more “a coincidence” than it is for the woman who keeps attracting men who are addicted to substances, men who are incapable of being faithful, or men who can’t keep a job. We, as women, are natural magnets, so I invite you to do the inner work to see if you can identify what it is that could be causing this pattern to show up in your life, when it clearly sounds like it’s not what you want to experience when you’re on a date or in a relationship.
Perhaps there’s a fear of being controlled, losing yourself, or not having a man accept and love you exactly the way you are. If a fear is strong enough and you focus on it enough, you may actually be attracting to yourself what you don’t want.
Some steps you can take are to ask yourself the questions I included in yesterday’s post, as well as a few others:
- What are my limiting beliefs about men?
- What is are my limiting beliefs about men and how they relate to me?
- What am I afraid will happen once I’m in a relationship with a man?
- What I am I afraid will not happen once I’m in a relationship with a man?
Once you have the answers to those questions, ask yourself:
- How do each of my limiting beliefs or fears show up when I’m on a date or in a relationship?
- With which new thoughts and affirmations am I willing to replace these limiting beliefs and fears?
Some examples of new thoughts and affirmations might be:
- I attract men who are interesting, loving, and kind.
- I attract men who are as attracted to me as I am to them.
- I attract men with whom I have fun and feel comfortable.
It’s important to keep in mind that you’ll want to do the inner work first, so that you can clear the doubts and fears out of the way and be able to really embrace and believe the affirmations!
While it can feel frightening or uncomfortable to look within and do the inner work, the only way to remove whatever it is that’s blocking or standing in your way of attracting the kind of man with whom you can create the relationship of your dreams is to identify the fear and limiting belief, see it for what it is, and then choose to remove and replace it with new thoughts, actions, and ways of being that have you attract what you do want to experience in dating and relationships!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 16, 2013 | Forgiveness, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
What do you do if you realize you married someone whose life vision is very different from yours and that causes great stress? I am focused on getting a business in place, having a home that I am proud of, family is very important to me. For my husband, the way the house looks isn’t important, family is a bother, and he is struggling in his business. There is very little support for my priorities.
It sounds to me as if you and your husband may simply in two different places at the moment. There are things that you feel are priorities, and he may have different priorities. However, consider different does not mean either set of priorities is right or wrong, good or bad. They are simply different.
I hear that you are frustrated and feeling stressed out. Many times, the frustration we feel is not due to the actual circumstances we are experiencing with our spouse or partner. Instead, the stress is coming from wanting him to feel the same way we do. We expend an enormous amount of time and energy trying to convince him that he’s wrong, that he should change his mind, and, basically, that he should agree and want to do things our way.
I’m like you. I like to have my home tidy, clean, and presentable. For years my husband and I argued about the state of the kitchen counter. At that time, he didn’t have an office in our home, and his space was the counter around our kitchen island. It would be full of mail, his electronics, his watches, and what felt to me like everything else he owned. I asked him repeatedly to please clean off the counter. I explained how much it upset me. I tried tidying up the counter myself (resentfully). I complained, criticized, and nagged him about it. Nothing worked. Most of the time he ignored me and would leave the mess until 5 minutes before company arrived, or until I cleaned it off myself.
Finally, one day, after I’d cleaned up the kitchen and living room areas (everything except the counter), I said, “I love it when the house is tidy and all the surfaces are clear. It makes me feel so peaceful. He didn’t say or do anything then, but we had company coming over the next day, and I vowed I wasn’t going to argue about the counter again. It just wasn’t worth it.
The next day I came downstairs about an hour before the company was set to arrive, and I noticed that the counter was completely cleared off. I smiled and said, “Thank you for cleaning off the counter, honey!” He said, “You’re welcome,” and nothing else. After everyone left and I was cleaning up the kitchen, I noticed he was helping to clean up the living room, so I thanked him for all of his help that day. A little while later he asked me, “Want to know why I cleared off the counter?” I said, “Yes. Why?” He said, “Because you didn’t nag me about it and I knew it would make you happy.” And he was right! It did.
That was about four years ago, and I haven’t had to mention the counters again! Every once in a while it gets a little messy, but once a week, he goes through the mail and gets the counter looking neat again. I’m so grateful for both the effort he makes to please me and the peace in my home!
I also used to nag my husband about spending too much time on the computer or playing video games. I used to tell him he should get a better job or ask for a raise. And I’d remind him constantly about the things he said he’d do that he hadn’t done yet.
I thought I was just telling him what I felt was important. I thought I was just sharing my thoughts and feelings with him. And, many times, I thought that, if he really loved me, and if he was really the right guy for me, he would do these things without me having to tell him.
What I didn’t realize was that all of the complaining, criticizing, and correcting was actually causing the opposite of what I wanted to happen. See, when all we do is tell our husbands what they are doing wrong or not “right enough,” all they can hear is that they are “wrong” and that they need to be “fixed” or “changed.” And, quite frankly, they don’t like being told what they should do any more than we do!
There isn’t a man on this planet who will tell you that he’s been inspired to change or do anything differently by his wife or girlfriend’s nagging. In fact, the more we nag about something, the more we can expect that behavior to stay in place.
So, what can we do to get more help, more time, and more support? Simply express your desires. Expressing your desires is about telling him what you want or don’t want, but not what you want him to do or not do.
So, rather than saying, “I want you to put the dirty clothes in the hamper, instead of leaving it on the floor,” ask yourself what it is that you want. Focus on the end result. If you think about it, what you really want is a neat room, so just say, “I want the room to look neat.”
Instead of complaining and saying, “You never take me out dancing anymore,” say, “I’d like to go dancing.”
Instead of complaining that he never helps around the house, say, “I want to make meatloaf, but I don’t want to wash the dishes.”
Instead of telling him, “You should spend more time with me and the kids,” tell him, “I’d like to spend time with you” or, even better, “I miss spending time with you.”
In each of these examples, you are focusing on what you want, not on what you want him to do. This presents him with an invitation, instead of an obligation. And, when we let our men know what we want, purely, with no expectations or criticisms, that’s what inspires them. They just want to please us!
I know it sounds too simple. I know, because I often feared that just saying what I wanted wouldn’t be enough. I felt I might need to give him the reasons and explain why I wanted what I wanted. But I’ve found that the more purely I express what I want, the better!
So, I invite you try it. Instead of telling your husband all of the things he’s not doing to support you, just tell him what would please you. Start the sentence with “I want…” or “I’d like,” and remember to focus on the end result, instead of what you think he should do.
And, of course, when he does something that pleases you and helps fulfill your desires, thank him. Let him know that you noticed and that you appreciate it. When he knows that he’s pleased you and that he’s also appreciated, that will ignite within him the desire to continue wanting to please you. At the same time, you’ll be creating a wonderful dynamic of respect, generosity, and gratitude and bringing peace and tenderness back into your marriage!
Please let me know how it goes!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 11, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, Love, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
My question has to do with online dating. After writing to a man 2 or 3 times he wanted to get together, and I suggested the next week, not as soon as he offered. He said he would be gone on a trip to Greece for 1 month, and that we could get together after that. Four days after he is due to return my membership is over.
I would like to email him on the website and tell him this, so that we make the plan to meet very soon – or connect by phone. Does this constitute chasing him? Is it better to just wait for him to contact me – or even pay to keep my membership one more month?
Normally, I would tell you to wait to see whether he contacts you after he gets back from Greece. If he’s still interested in seeing you then, he will contact you. I’m wondering why there wouldn’t be any communication during his trip (unless Internet access is going to be an issue). If he does contact you during his trip, that would be a perfect opportunity to let him know that you just realized that your membership expires right after he returns, so he can contact you via email if he’d still like to get together. This way, you’re letting him know how to contact you, and the choice about whether or not to initiate another date lies with him.
In the meantime, you still have about a month of membership time left, so continue connecting with other men, accepting other dates and having fun while he’s away. There’s no guarantee that he will contact you when he returns so it’s up to you to continue sending the message to the world that you are available for the man who’s perfect for you to find and contact you! And remember to smile and flirt and get to know people in person, as well. The more open you are to meeting the right person for you, the more likely you are to attract him to you!
Regarding your question about whether or not to pay to keep your membership one more month, that’s completely up to you. While I wouldn’t recommend keeping it open as a way to ensure that this one guy will contact you, I would recommend it as a way to continue attracting potential beaus into your life. As I mentioned above, the more open and receptive you are to meeting and getting to know new men, accepting invitations to go out, and having fun while dating, the more likely you are to attract to yourself the man and the relationship of your dreams!
Comments? Questions? Let us know! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 10, 2013 | Dating, Heart's Desire International, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
If my boyfriend of 4 1/2 years says he bought me a custom made ring two years ago but hasn’t proposed, yet still talks in terms of ” we ” about the future and says he is so grateful to finally get “free” of his son late at night when we are both available that he forgets to bring the ring because he considers it a mere formality, should I be kicking his proverbial rear to the curb? This is a beta male who has ADHD. Any thoughts?
There are a few points in this question that I’d like to address. The first is that your boyfriend announced that he bought you a ring and is then explaining why he’s forgetting to bring it when he comes to see you late at night. I’m wondering if you’re the one who brought up the ring in the first place. The reason I ask is that men rarely announce that they’ve bought a ring before they actually propose. The “surprise factor” of the proposal is part of its sweetness. So I’m wondering if you were bringing up marriage a couple of years ago and he said he got a ring to deal with the pressure.
If he did, in fact, get the ring of his own accord and shared with you that he bought it, the fact that he keeps explaining why he’s forgetting to bring it makes me think that you’re bringing up the fact that he hasn’t given you the ring yet. This, again, could occur as pressure and could actually be causing him not to want to give you the ring until it’s his idea. If this is the case you have been bringing up the ring (or lack, thereof) to him, my advice would be to let it go. Don’t mention it for a month or two and just allow him the space to choose when to give it to you. When/If he does ask you to marry him, you want to know that it’s because he wants to be with and can’t imagine living his life without you, not because he feels like he has to give it or propose to you.
The other thing that stood out was when you said that he comes over when he’s “free” from his son, late at night. Is this the only time you two see each other? Who is staying with his son when he comes over at night? Are you 100% certain he is not married? I don’t want to instill any fear, but given the limited amount of facts in the email, it’s hard for me to understand why he’s explaining why he didn’t bring the ring with him late at night, once he’s free from his son. I’d be happy to set up a time to talk with you privately, if there’s something I’m missing. And, again, I apologize if I’m making any incorrect assumptions.
The most important part of this situation is how you feel – about both him and the relationship.
You refer to him as “a beta male who has ADHD.” For me, the bigger question than whether or not you should kick him to the curb because he hasn’t proposed is whether this is a man with whom you’d like to spend the rest of your life.
In my experience, when women refer to men as “betas,” there is a level of disrespect for who the man is – as if he is somewhat “inferior” to a man who is more assertive. It’s also been my experience that women who refer to their men as “betas” see themselves as “alphas,” which usually means that they are very controlling and tend to be the ones making all of the decisions in the relationship. The more “alpha” the woman acts, the more beta the man appears, and the less likely he will be to step up, make decisions, and take the lead, as a way to avoid having their ideas criticized, contradicted, or dismissed.
The comment about him having ADHD also comes up a lot. Whether he’s been diagnosed officially by a medical practitioner or not (many of the women I work with self-diagnose their men), there are things about him and the way he acts, makes decisions, etc. that you may not agree with. While you may not agree with every decision he makes or how he goes about making them, for this relationship to work, it’s going to be important that you respect his ideas, thoughts, and decisions. In other words, it’s critical that you respect him and who he is as a man.
My clients have found that the moment they begin treating their man with respect and trusting in his capabilities to think, solve problems, and make wise decisions, the same man who once seemed passive, indecisive, or incapable begins to show up as a strong, determined, and confident (dare I say “alpha”) man!
So, my advice to you is to let go of the attachment to having the ring presented to you, and focus on whether this is a man with whom you can envision yourself with for the rest of your life. Is he the man who you can trust with your heart, who trust will be there to care for you, and who you will be proud to respect and honor until death do you part. If the answer to all of these questions is “Yes,” then step back from mentioning the ring and focus on being the woman he fell in love with and for whom he chose to design a custom-made ring. If after a month or two there is no mention of marriage, then you can let him know that you love him and that, for you to be happy, you need to be married. That for you, it’s more than just a formality – it’s what will make you happy.
If the answer to these questions is “No,” “I’m not sure,” or “Not yet,” then, again, let go of the idea of the ring and get clear about what you want. If it’s not him (exactly the way he is and exactly the way he’s not), then gently let him go and make room for the man who is perfect for you to find you!
I’m actually leading a group coaching call this Tuesday, June 11th on “How to Honor Your Desire to be Married Without Making Ultimatums.” If you’d like to learn more about how you can participate on the call, you can do so by clicking here.
Comments? Questions? Let us know! We love hearing from you!
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