by heartsdesireintl | Feb 6, 2015 | Coaching, Communication, Dating, Gratitude, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
The other day I shared with you one of “The 3 P’s” most important to a man: Providing for the woman he loves.
Today I’d like to focus on the second “P”: Protecting the woman he loves.
It may seem a little old-fashioned to think that a man feels that he needs to “protect” the woman he loves. After all, we women have become very independent and self-sufficient, and we can take care of ourselves – physically, emotionally, and financially.
However, when you think back to the beginning of time, men were the providers and protectors. If they didn’t protect the tribe, people died. It was just that simple.
That need to feel like he’s capable of protecting you from harm is inherent in a man. When he has the experience that he’s not able to prevent something bad from happening to you, he may very well react with what appears to be anger. And, in the moment, it may seem like that anger is directed at you.
I remember one day I was sharing with my husband about a business deal. I had shared an idea and made a verbal agreement with someone about a program that we were going to partner together to create and launch. Eventually, it turned out that the person went ahead with the idea without me and offered me a role in the project, but not a full partnership. I, of course, was disappointed and hurt, and shared these feelings with my husband. I shared that I still wanted to be part of the project, because I believed in it, but I was very hurt that I had been informed about the change in plans after the fact.
All of a sudden, I felt like I was being “attacked.” Instead of comforting and encouraging me, he began yelling and telling me that I would be a fool to continue working with this person who obviously took an idea we had brainstormed together and ran with it on her own, without discussing anything with me. He kept getting louder and angrier, and I was completely confused and felt as if he was rubbing salt in my wounds.
Rather than say something I would regret, I went upstairs and laid in my chaise lounge chair, crying. On top of being hurt, I was angry! Why was he taking this out on me?
Then I asked myself a question that has helped me to move from anger to understanding in the past.
What would have him say something like that to me?
See, my husband loves me, and I know that he wants to protect me from harm, not cause me harm. As soon as I asked myself that question (What would have him say something like that to me?”), I was able to see it as clear as day: He was trying to protect me!
See, in my husband’s eyes, someone had let me down, hurt me, cost me what could have been a great financial opportunity, and left me out of a partnership I had been so excited about being a part of.
However, worse than all of that, there was nothing he could do to prevent or “fix” it for me.
He felt helpless because he didn’t and couldn’t protect me!
After I moved from anger to compassion, I then moved into a space of gratitude!
I was so grateful that my husband was so loving and protective – even if he didn’t express it the way I would express it.
I walked downstairs, stood behind the couch he was sitting on, leaned down, and whispered in his ear, “I get it. You’re upset because you want to protect me from being hurt or taken advantage of. Thank you for your love.”
He turned around and looked me in the eye. I don’t know if it was shock and awe at the fact that I’d figured it out, or just plain and simple relief that I got what he’d been trying to express, but I’ll never forget the look in his eyes. He just said, “I am upset. I love you and don’t like seeing you sad or hurt.”
I walked around the couch, sat next to him, and nuzzled my nose into the crook of his neck and cried a little bit more.
Nothing had been resolved, but I felt loved, protected and at peace, no matter what ended up happening with the business project! I had my hero next to me, and, right then and there, that was all that really mattered!
Think about it:
Has there been a time when you felt like your husband or boyfriend wasn’t being supportive of your dream or idea?
Consider that he wants more than anything to see you realize your dream and be happy, and is afraid you’ll be disappointed if your idea fails. And, because there’s nothing he can do to stop that from happening, he tries to discourage you from getting your hopes too high.
Has there been a time when he’s gotten angry at you for being friends with or associating with someone who has hurt or disappointed you in the past?
Consider that he hates seeing you sad and upset, so he gets angry, and directs that anger at you, because he’s afraid you’ll get hurt and disappointed again. And, because there isn’t much he can do to prevent that from happening, he tries pointing out how foolish it is to trust someone who was capable of hurting or lying to you in the first place.
Regardless of what your specific situation is, if you can try to listen for the love behind the words of anger, it’s very possible that you will also hear his his desire to keep you safe.
While you may not understand his approach, if you can listen for and hear his love and concern and his desire to protect you, you, too, will be able to move from upset, to compassion, to gratitude that you have a man at your side who wants nothing more than to be your hero!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
by heartsdesireintl | Feb 3, 2015 | Communication, Dating, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
This weekend Michelle and I participated in and spoke at the Desire to Rise event. It was an absolutely inspiring event focused on realizing our visions in 2015! We had the privilege of inspiring the audience to create and realize their visions for love by creating a Love Resolution for 2015!
Michelle and I are used to speaking to audiences made up predominantly of women, but, every once in a while, men will participate in our presentations, and we absolutely love it!
It’s always so heartwarming to see just how committed men are to creating loving relationships, too! In fact, the men in the room this time participated fully in our session, including holding hot pink paper links symbolizing the past fears, doubts, and limiting beliefs that had been blocking love from entering their hearts right along with all of the women and they came up to us after the session to thank us and tell us how much they got out of it! It was awesome!
Another reason we love having men in the audience is because there is nothing quite as affirming as having the men nodding their heads in agreement when we talk about the three things that are most important to them in a relationship. We call these “The 3 P’s”: To Provide for, Protect, and Please the women they love.
These are a man’s greatest desires when it comes to being in a relationship.
Because each of them is so important, we’ll focus on just one of them today and I’ll write more about the other two in subsequent posts.
A man wants to know that he is capable of providing for and taking care of the woman he loves.
Now, this doesn’t always mean that he’s the primary bread winner. It means that he’s able to contribute to her well-being in some way. For some men, that will mean providing for his beloved financially – whether that means being the one who works in the home, making more money than she does, or contributing to the finances in some way. For others it could mean that he holds down the fort and provides support for her in pursuing her dreams. For others it means that he cares for her needs in other ways. And some of us are blessed enough to have a man who does all of the above!
The point is that a man needs to know and feel like he’s needed. If he doesn’t, he either withdraws to avoid feeling incompetent or rejected, or he begins to depend on the woman, which can then lead to resentment on both sides of the relationship.
If you’re in a relationship where you’re not feeling like you’re being cared and provided for, I invite you to look to see where you may be preventing that from happening.
Are you the one doing everything in the relationship – from earning the money, to taking care of the household, to basically doing anything and everything that requires decision making and action taking?
Are you feeling exhausted and overwhelmed because you feel like you are doing it ALL with very little help?
Are you beginning to feel resentful about this, and, rather than admitting you need help, you’re continuing to plow along, getting everything done and resenting your man for not offering to help?
If you answered “Yes” to any of these questions, it’s time to take a step back and provide room for him to step up.
Now, allowing a man to provide and care for you does not mean that you are incapable of doing and caring for yourself. Of course you can! The thing is that, if doing everything is causing you to resent him and is creating distance in your relationship, you want to ask yourself what’s more important – doing everything yourself to prove that you can, or allowing for the possibility of not having to do everything yourself all of the time and feeling loved and cared for in the process?
Instead of running yourself ragged, denying him the pleasure of providing for you, and causing a rift in your relationship, follow these steps:
- Take a breath, step back, and simply admit that you could use some help. The words, “I need help” are like a flare in the sky for a man! They signal that there is something he can do for the women he loves! Men want to help. They want to know that there’s a purpose for them being there. I know you may be skeptical. I know I was. My biggest complaint was that my husband never helped me and I felt like “the single married mom.” However, when I started saying, “I need help,” I saw just how important it was to my husband to know that he was capable of providing for me! So, even if you’re skeptical right now, I challenge you: Just try it!
- When he asks what you need help with, share what it is without complaining or over-exaggerating the need. Once you say, “I need help,” most men will ask you what you need help with. When he does simply share what it is you need help with. At this point, avoid complaining (either verbally or in your mind) about his lack of help, your exhaustion, and the unfairness of it all when you express your need for help. That is just going to cause resistance on his part and will probably lead to yet another argument, so you want to avoid complaining and nagging at all costs.
Instead, you can say something like, “I need help moving these boxes,” “I need help organizing these receipts for the taxes,” “I need help putting away the dishes.” Keep it short and simple, and then stop talking.
- Avoid attaching any expectations to what the help “should” look like. Once he offers to help, step back and allow him to do it in his way and time frame. Don’t check up on, remind, or hint at what he should/could be doing. Just move right along to something else. Many times, we sabotage ourselves from being provided for by jumping in to “help” or make things easier for our men. That has to do with our own feelings of self-worth and thinking that we’re somehow“ burdening” them. Just step back and allow yourself to receive the help. It may feel weird at first, but I promise, you’ll grow used to it!
- Let him know you noticed and appreciate his help. Once he’s done whatever he’s done to help, let him know you noticed and appreciate his help! Many times women will withhold the appreciation because they don’t want to feel as if the man did them any favors. Well… first of all, he did do you a favor by helping, and, secondly, it’s important to keep in mind that his desire to feel like he can provide for you is closely followed by his need to feel appreciated. The more you let him know that you need and appreciate him and his help, the more likely he is to begin offering to provide for you! It’s a real win-win situation!
I know it may seem strange and out of character for you to admit that you could use some help, especially if you’re used to taking care of things on your own. I remember wondering if I was “dumbing down” or pretending that I wasn’t capable of doing something. I was afraid I would seem weak.
What I found out, however, is that allowing my husband to help and provide for me made me feel loved and cherished. Seeing how much he wanted to help me really did make me appreciate him even more. That inspired more gratitude and tenderness from me, which only ignited his desire to continue doing things for me that caused that reaction. As I said above, it truly is a real win-win combination.
So, go ahead and try it, and let me know what begins to open up for you in the comments below!
We’ll focus on a man’s desire to protect the woman he loves in the next post! See you then!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
by heartsdesireintl | Dec 15, 2014 | Communication, Dating, Heart's Desire International, Love, Marriage, Parenting, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
The other day, I had a meltdown… and not a little one, either! I had a full-blown meltdown at the bottom of the stairs in my home like I haven’t had in years!
I’d had a pretty busy day scheduled, and I ended up having to add two additional activities to my list – including having some materials printed that I’d stayed up all night creating, picking them up, and then braving a 3-hour round trip in rush hour traffic with my two kids to deliver the materials in time for an event.
As tired as I was, I was also feeling pretty proud of myself for having accomplished even the unexpected events with grace and ease. I proudly showed my husband the materials I’d had printed and, in less than 2 seconds, he noticed that I’d left out a critical piece of information! That was it – the proverbial last drop in my overflowing bucket! I crumpled into a puddle of tears at the bottom of my staircase, completely frustrated, and just sobbed.
Immediately, my husband rushed over to console me. He held me and, as he often does, began giving me solutions, offering ways in which I could “fix” the problem. Years ago, I would have gotten angry at him for trying to fix things. This time, all I could do was keep crying because none of the ideas he was offering sounded viable at that moment.
A few minutes later, my older son came over and held me in his arms. He reminded me that it wasn’t so bad and that I was a great mother. He said he was sorry I was so sad and that he wished he could fix the problem for me.
Once he went up the stairs, my little one came with tears in his eyes. Bravely, he said, “Mama, just think about all of the good things in your life and you’ll feel better.” Then he hugged me tightly and left the room.
As I sat there, still in tears, a smile made its way across my face.
See, my three guys aren’t used to seeing me in that state. Usually, I’m pretty positive, find ways to problem-solve, and am the one encouraging them.
On that day, however, they were there for me. Each of them, in his own way, gave me exactly what I needed – love and the belief that everything would be okay!
In the midst of my vulnerability, what was sparked in them was the desire to protect me and let me know that they were there for me.
You may believe, as many people do, that vulnerability is a sign weakness. You may see it as something that opens you up to being hurt by another. While that may be true in some instances, what vulnerability does is that it opens the doorway to intimacy. It allows others to connect with you in a way that simply isn’t possible when you’re being guarded and holding people at arms’ length.
For men, vulnerability ignites in them the desire to protect us. It has them step up and be our heroes. It allows them to connect with us on a real level – a gut level.
To be clear, vulnerability doesn’t mean you have to be in tears, like I was. It just means letting your guard down long enough to let someone in and be there for you. It means allowing him to see who you really are so that he can connect with you, because, without vulnerability, there is no room for intimacy.
I don’t think I’ll ever forget that day – not because of all of the things that got accomplished or the things that went wrong. I think what I’ll always remember is how incredibly loved and cherished I felt on that day; how safe I felt knowing that my three guys were there for me; and how happy I felt knowing that, not only am I not doing so badly at this wife-and-mom-thing, but that my boys have an amazing example of how to be a loving man in their father.
And, when I think about all of these good things, as my little one suggested I do, all I feel is blessed!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
by heartsdesireintl | Sep 26, 2014 | Coaching, Communication, Dating, Heart's Desire International, Marriage, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
I’m writing to this post right after going for a run… A real run!
What I mean is that, lately, I’ve been sort-of-kind-of-running, which means I’ve been walking a lot more than running during my 5K runs (and that’s on the days that I actually get out there). This past Monday, however, I finally got real with myself about how I’ve been playing with regard to my fitness and health, and I made a commitment to myself that I was going to have the best run I’ve ever had!
I started out strong and felt really good when I saw that I was going at a faster pace than I had ever run! Half-way through the run, however, I began feeling a really bad pain in my knee. I slowed down a bit, but kept running. Toward the end of my run, the pain was pretty intense, so I chose to start walking a little earlier than I normally would to cool down, just so that I could make it home.
I realize some might say that I should have “listened to my body” a little earlier. I did. I heard my body loud and clear, and it was saying: This is why you need to be consistent!
See, when I first started running, I dealt with knee pain almost every time I ran. After a few months of consistent training, however, I was running pain-free! My body had adjusted to the movements I was having it make, and I was able to run longer and faster without having to ice my knees after each run.
If I had continued training the way I was a few months ago, running several times a week and working out in between runs, it’s highly unlikely that I would have been in the pain I found myself in on Monday.
So… What does any of this have to do with you and your love life? A lot!
See, the same thing holds true when it comes to practicing new relationship skills.
When you first begin practicing a new way of communicating with and reacting and responding to the man you are dating or in a relationship, things feel a little (or more than a little) uncomfortable.
It takes some mental effort to remember not to snap back, criticize him or complain, rather than simply say how you are feeling and what you would like.
It doesn’t feel natural to be vulnerable, rather than “on guard,” protecting yourself against “the enemy.”
It feels a little painful to realize that many of the things you’d been saying and doing before you chose to change were actually hurting the intimacy in your relationship, rather than making it stronger.
That’s why there are 3 things you can to do ensure that the new skills and practices stick and become natural for you:
- Get Real with YOURSELF about Yourself. The first step in making any type of real change is to get real with yourself about what’s not working. And, while it’s always easier to look at what someone else (meaning him) could or should be doing differently, the truth is that you (1) you can’t control anyone other than yourself, and (2) by looking outside of yourself, you’re actually saying that someone or something other than you has the power to create your happiness. In order for a change to become permanent, you need to want to make it yourself and for yourself. Yes, the positive changes you make will impact and benefit your man, too, but commit to making these changes for yourself – because you want to be able to experience happiness, love, and peace and you know the power to create this lies in your hands.
- Practice the Skills Consistently and Over Time. The more consistently you practice new relationship skills, the more likely they are to become habits, and the faster those habits will become new ways of being in your life and relationship. When practiced over an extended period of time, you “train your brain” to begin listening, thinking, and responding in these new ways. This allows your ability to communicate effectively and create and experience what you want in a relationship will flow naturally, with grace and ease!
- Work with Someone Who Will Hold You Accountable. Trying to make changes on your own, without support or accountability, is pretty much setting yourself up to either fail or have the changes take a lot longer than they need to. That need to do things on your own, to not allow someone to stand and be there for you is all part of your need to be in control, and comes from a fear of intimacy. The truth is that while you are capable of making changes on your own, resisting help or encouragement from someone else may be one of the reasons you are struggling to create intimacy in your relationships. Having someone who believes in and wants you to succeed hold you accountable is not a sign of weakness or that you aren’t capable of doing it on your own. Instead, it’s a sign of strength and the commitment you are making to yourself.
In my business, I have a coach and a group of colleagues who are my accountability partners. We only listen for one another’s greatness and don’t allow each other to sell out on ourselves and the goals we’ve set. In my fitness, I’ve asked my husband to be my accountability partner. He has completely transformed his lifestyle and has an unwavering commitment to working out and training over the past several years, so I want to make sure that I have someone like that on my side – someone who already has already achieved the results I want to achieve and who can help support and guide me on my way (plus, he won’t let me off the hook at all!).
If you’re ready to begin working with someone to help you reach your relationship goals, then I encourage you to set up a time to speak with me. The women who are my clients will tell you that I don’t let them sell out on themselves, that I sometimes stand for and believe in them more strongly than they do for themselves, and that I encourage them to move past the excuses, “reasons,” and barriers that are standing in the way of them achieving and experiencing the love they want to have in their lives.
That’s my commitment to you.
Now it’s up to you to commit making the changes you want to make.
The hard facts are that there are only 3 months left to make this year really count and I only have one spot opening up in my private coaching practice next month. So, stop putting it off, making excuses as to why you “can’t change” or why your situation is different, and just click here to let me know you want to talk. I’ve blocked off 3 slots in my calendar this week so that I can make sure that no one takes them unless it’s someone who is ready to get started NOW.
So, if you’re ready to get real with yourself and get consistent, I’m happy to talk about working with and holding you accountable and looking to see if the coaching program is a good fit for you!
I believe in you and I know that the love and happiness you dream of are possible for you! Let’s get started, get consistent, and make dreams happen!
By the way, that run I was telling you about? I did run my best time yet (shaved off 10 minutes!), even with having to walk at the end, and I’ve been consistent all week long! There is something to be said about making a commitment and honoring it!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
by heartsdesireintl | Sep 19, 2014 | Communication, Dating, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Success
by Gladys Diaz
This month I have had the privilege of attending two informative and inspiring business conferences especially for women. Usually, at these events, the majority of the speakers are women who have reached high levels of success, so I was pleasantly surprised and excited to hear from five multimillionaire men who were sharing their secrets to success with us
But it’s what they shared that really caught me by surprise!
See, I was thinking they were going to tell us all about the steps they took to start a business, market themselves, and catapult their businesses into the millions. Instead, every single one of them told us the story of how difficult it was for them at the beginning, how they failed over and over again, and how one thing kept them going and believing in themselves through the darkest times: The support and trust of the women they loved!
Without fail, each of the men shared how, right when he was about to give up on himself and his dreams, his wife said the one thing that made the difference and had him make the decision to do whatever it took to succeed:
“I trust and believe in you.”
Now, granted, saying those words is a lot easier when the man you love is doing well, achieving success, and getting results.
But how do you find the strength and courage to authentically say that, even when all signs are pointing to failed attempts, one disappointment after another, and a lack of results?
- You remember why you fell in love with him in the first place. It can be easy to forget just how much you admired him and the greatness you saw in him when you first fell in love. It’s easier to allow your fears, doubts and disappointments to cloud the vision of who the man you love really is. However, if you can bring yourself back to remember what it was that had you decide that this man is the man who, at one time in your life, you were 100% certain you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, it makes it a whole lot easier to believe in him, because his courage, determination, and whatever other characteristics that drew you to him are still there! You just have to look more closely to see them.
- You stand next to him with unwavering trust. Our fears are sneaky things. They will convince us beyond a shadow of a doubt that things can’t change, that the worst-case scenario is inevitable and that we must protect ourselves and survive danger at all costs. Whether the fear you are experiencing during the difficult times is based in a fear of scarcity (not having your needs met), fear of abandonment, or a fear of being taken advantage of (especially if you’re having to work a little harder during those difficult times), feeling afraid and uncertain about the future can trigger that “fight-or-flight” response that can have you either complaining, criticizing, or chipping away at your man’s spirit, or wanting to run away and leave everything (including him) behind. It takes courage to trust him. It takes courage to trust that things will get better. And, most of all, it takes courage to trust in yourself and know that you made the right choice when you chose to love him!
- You speak words that lift him up, rather than tear him down. There may be times when your fear, sadness, and disappointment feel like they are getting the best of you. You may think that telling him and reminding him about what he needs to do will get him to do it. You may think that criticizing, questioning, or correcting his decisions will make him want to change. You may think that pointing out everything you feel he is doing wrong or should be doing differently will lead to different results. The truth, however, is that, if you want him to rise above the circumstances, you need to raise him up with your words.
True, your man is completely responsible for his own happiness and for the choices he makes. However, never underestimate the influence you have on him and how he comes to see and know himself. He sees himself and what he’s capable of through your eyes, and way you see him can either tear him down or lift him up. It can either discourage and deter or encourage and inspire him to new heights!
So, what does your man see when he looks into your eyes?
Does he see cynicism, doubt, and shame, or does he see trust, faith, and love?
If you have been tearing your man down out of your own fears and frustrations, the good news is that every moment gives us an opportunity to choose differently.
So, what will you choose to do and say today to help inspire your man to greatness?
Because, when it’s all said and done and he’s finally made it to the top, guess who he’s going to make sure is up there with him?
Let us know what you’re going to do today to inspire your man to greatness in the comments below! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Jul 31, 2014 | Communication, Dating, Forgiveness, Heart's Desire International, Infidelity, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Parenting, Relationship Advice, Romance, Self-Love, Sex
by Gladys Diaz
The other day, Michelle and I had a very powerful interview with Bill Weil for his “Conscious Couples Conversation” program.
In this interview, we dove deep and talking about some of the most common questions we get asked when it comes to relationships, including:
- The higher purpose of relationships
- The difference between how men and women define and experience love and respect
- The natural power women have to create and transform relationships
- The most common mistakes women make in relationships
- The essential ingredients for having a loving, intimate relationships
- The 3 R’s for keeping the love alive in your relationship
- How to have win-win arguments
And a lot more, including:
- An interesting story about the “twin connection” Michelle and I share
- How Michelle and I work together to coach women
- A beautiful excerpt from Michelle and Arnie’s wedding vows (so moving!)
Whether you are single or in a relationship, you will walk away from listening to this interview with a HUGE amount of information and inspiration for creating a loving, intimate, relationship!
Click the image below to listen to this POWER-FULL conversation!
Comment? Question about the interview? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
