by heartsdesireintl | Dec 15, 2014 | Communication, Dating, Heart's Desire International, Love, Marriage, Parenting, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
The other day, I had a meltdown… and not a little one, either! I had a full-blown meltdown at the bottom of the stairs in my home like I haven’t had in years!
I’d had a pretty busy day scheduled, and I ended up having to add two additional activities to my list – including having some materials printed that I’d stayed up all night creating, picking them up, and then braving a 3-hour round trip in rush hour traffic with my two kids to deliver the materials in time for an event.
As tired as I was, I was also feeling pretty proud of myself for having accomplished even the unexpected events with grace and ease. I proudly showed my husband the materials I’d had printed and, in less than 2 seconds, he noticed that I’d left out a critical piece of information! That was it – the proverbial last drop in my overflowing bucket! I crumpled into a puddle of tears at the bottom of my staircase, completely frustrated, and just sobbed.
Immediately, my husband rushed over to console me. He held me and, as he often does, began giving me solutions, offering ways in which I could “fix” the problem. Years ago, I would have gotten angry at him for trying to fix things. This time, all I could do was keep crying because none of the ideas he was offering sounded viable at that moment.
A few minutes later, my older son came over and held me in his arms. He reminded me that it wasn’t so bad and that I was a great mother. He said he was sorry I was so sad and that he wished he could fix the problem for me.
Once he went up the stairs, my little one came with tears in his eyes. Bravely, he said, “Mama, just think about all of the good things in your life and you’ll feel better.” Then he hugged me tightly and left the room.
As I sat there, still in tears, a smile made its way across my face.
See, my three guys aren’t used to seeing me in that state. Usually, I’m pretty positive, find ways to problem-solve, and am the one encouraging them.
On that day, however, they were there for me. Each of them, in his own way, gave me exactly what I needed – love and the belief that everything would be okay!
In the midst of my vulnerability, what was sparked in them was the desire to protect me and let me know that they were there for me.
You may believe, as many people do, that vulnerability is a sign weakness. You may see it as something that opens you up to being hurt by another. While that may be true in some instances, what vulnerability does is that it opens the doorway to intimacy. It allows others to connect with you in a way that simply isn’t possible when you’re being guarded and holding people at arms’ length.
For men, vulnerability ignites in them the desire to protect us. It has them step up and be our heroes. It allows them to connect with us on a real level – a gut level.
To be clear, vulnerability doesn’t mean you have to be in tears, like I was. It just means letting your guard down long enough to let someone in and be there for you. It means allowing him to see who you really are so that he can connect with you, because, without vulnerability, there is no room for intimacy.
I don’t think I’ll ever forget that day – not because of all of the things that got accomplished or the things that went wrong. I think what I’ll always remember is how incredibly loved and cherished I felt on that day; how safe I felt knowing that my three guys were there for me; and how happy I felt knowing that, not only am I not doing so badly at this wife-and-mom-thing, but that my boys have an amazing example of how to be a loving man in their father.
And, when I think about all of these good things, as my little one suggested I do, all I feel is blessed!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
by heartsdesireintl | Sep 26, 2014 | Coaching, Communication, Dating, Heart's Desire International, Marriage, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
I’m writing to this post right after going for a run… A real run!
What I mean is that, lately, I’ve been sort-of-kind-of-running, which means I’ve been walking a lot more than running during my 5K runs (and that’s on the days that I actually get out there). This past Monday, however, I finally got real with myself about how I’ve been playing with regard to my fitness and health, and I made a commitment to myself that I was going to have the best run I’ve ever had!
I started out strong and felt really good when I saw that I was going at a faster pace than I had ever run! Half-way through the run, however, I began feeling a really bad pain in my knee. I slowed down a bit, but kept running. Toward the end of my run, the pain was pretty intense, so I chose to start walking a little earlier than I normally would to cool down, just so that I could make it home.
I realize some might say that I should have “listened to my body” a little earlier. I did. I heard my body loud and clear, and it was saying: This is why you need to be consistent!
See, when I first started running, I dealt with knee pain almost every time I ran. After a few months of consistent training, however, I was running pain-free! My body had adjusted to the movements I was having it make, and I was able to run longer and faster without having to ice my knees after each run.
If I had continued training the way I was a few months ago, running several times a week and working out in between runs, it’s highly unlikely that I would have been in the pain I found myself in on Monday.
So… What does any of this have to do with you and your love life? A lot!
See, the same thing holds true when it comes to practicing new relationship skills.
When you first begin practicing a new way of communicating with and reacting and responding to the man you are dating or in a relationship, things feel a little (or more than a little) uncomfortable.
It takes some mental effort to remember not to snap back, criticize him or complain, rather than simply say how you are feeling and what you would like.
It doesn’t feel natural to be vulnerable, rather than “on guard,” protecting yourself against “the enemy.”
It feels a little painful to realize that many of the things you’d been saying and doing before you chose to change were actually hurting the intimacy in your relationship, rather than making it stronger.
That’s why there are 3 things you can to do ensure that the new skills and practices stick and become natural for you:
- Get Real with YOURSELF about Yourself. The first step in making any type of real change is to get real with yourself about what’s not working. And, while it’s always easier to look at what someone else (meaning him) could or should be doing differently, the truth is that you (1) you can’t control anyone other than yourself, and (2) by looking outside of yourself, you’re actually saying that someone or something other than you has the power to create your happiness. In order for a change to become permanent, you need to want to make it yourself and for yourself. Yes, the positive changes you make will impact and benefit your man, too, but commit to making these changes for yourself – because you want to be able to experience happiness, love, and peace and you know the power to create this lies in your hands.
- Practice the Skills Consistently and Over Time. The more consistently you practice new relationship skills, the more likely they are to become habits, and the faster those habits will become new ways of being in your life and relationship. When practiced over an extended period of time, you “train your brain” to begin listening, thinking, and responding in these new ways. This allows your ability to communicate effectively and create and experience what you want in a relationship will flow naturally, with grace and ease!
- Work with Someone Who Will Hold You Accountable. Trying to make changes on your own, without support or accountability, is pretty much setting yourself up to either fail or have the changes take a lot longer than they need to. That need to do things on your own, to not allow someone to stand and be there for you is all part of your need to be in control, and comes from a fear of intimacy. The truth is that while you are capable of making changes on your own, resisting help or encouragement from someone else may be one of the reasons you are struggling to create intimacy in your relationships. Having someone who believes in and wants you to succeed hold you accountable is not a sign of weakness or that you aren’t capable of doing it on your own. Instead, it’s a sign of strength and the commitment you are making to yourself.
In my business, I have a coach and a group of colleagues who are my accountability partners. We only listen for one another’s greatness and don’t allow each other to sell out on ourselves and the goals we’ve set. In my fitness, I’ve asked my husband to be my accountability partner. He has completely transformed his lifestyle and has an unwavering commitment to working out and training over the past several years, so I want to make sure that I have someone like that on my side – someone who already has already achieved the results I want to achieve and who can help support and guide me on my way (plus, he won’t let me off the hook at all!).
If you’re ready to begin working with someone to help you reach your relationship goals, then I encourage you to set up a time to speak with me. The women who are my clients will tell you that I don’t let them sell out on themselves, that I sometimes stand for and believe in them more strongly than they do for themselves, and that I encourage them to move past the excuses, “reasons,” and barriers that are standing in the way of them achieving and experiencing the love they want to have in their lives.
That’s my commitment to you.
Now it’s up to you to commit making the changes you want to make.
The hard facts are that there are only 3 months left to make this year really count and I only have one spot opening up in my private coaching practice next month. So, stop putting it off, making excuses as to why you “can’t change” or why your situation is different, and just click here to let me know you want to talk. I’ve blocked off 3 slots in my calendar this week so that I can make sure that no one takes them unless it’s someone who is ready to get started NOW.
So, if you’re ready to get real with yourself and get consistent, I’m happy to talk about working with and holding you accountable and looking to see if the coaching program is a good fit for you!
I believe in you and I know that the love and happiness you dream of are possible for you! Let’s get started, get consistent, and make dreams happen!
By the way, that run I was telling you about? I did run my best time yet (shaved off 10 minutes!), even with having to walk at the end, and I’ve been consistent all week long! There is something to be said about making a commitment and honoring it!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
by heartsdesireintl | Sep 19, 2014 | Communication, Dating, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Success
by Gladys Diaz
This month I have had the privilege of attending two informative and inspiring business conferences especially for women. Usually, at these events, the majority of the speakers are women who have reached high levels of success, so I was pleasantly surprised and excited to hear from five multimillionaire men who were sharing their secrets to success with us
But it’s what they shared that really caught me by surprise!
See, I was thinking they were going to tell us all about the steps they took to start a business, market themselves, and catapult their businesses into the millions. Instead, every single one of them told us the story of how difficult it was for them at the beginning, how they failed over and over again, and how one thing kept them going and believing in themselves through the darkest times: The support and trust of the women they loved!
Without fail, each of the men shared how, right when he was about to give up on himself and his dreams, his wife said the one thing that made the difference and had him make the decision to do whatever it took to succeed:
“I trust and believe in you.”
Now, granted, saying those words is a lot easier when the man you love is doing well, achieving success, and getting results.
But how do you find the strength and courage to authentically say that, even when all signs are pointing to failed attempts, one disappointment after another, and a lack of results?
- You remember why you fell in love with him in the first place. It can be easy to forget just how much you admired him and the greatness you saw in him when you first fell in love. It’s easier to allow your fears, doubts and disappointments to cloud the vision of who the man you love really is. However, if you can bring yourself back to remember what it was that had you decide that this man is the man who, at one time in your life, you were 100% certain you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, it makes it a whole lot easier to believe in him, because his courage, determination, and whatever other characteristics that drew you to him are still there! You just have to look more closely to see them.
- You stand next to him with unwavering trust. Our fears are sneaky things. They will convince us beyond a shadow of a doubt that things can’t change, that the worst-case scenario is inevitable and that we must protect ourselves and survive danger at all costs. Whether the fear you are experiencing during the difficult times is based in a fear of scarcity (not having your needs met), fear of abandonment, or a fear of being taken advantage of (especially if you’re having to work a little harder during those difficult times), feeling afraid and uncertain about the future can trigger that “fight-or-flight” response that can have you either complaining, criticizing, or chipping away at your man’s spirit, or wanting to run away and leave everything (including him) behind. It takes courage to trust him. It takes courage to trust that things will get better. And, most of all, it takes courage to trust in yourself and know that you made the right choice when you chose to love him!
- You speak words that lift him up, rather than tear him down. There may be times when your fear, sadness, and disappointment feel like they are getting the best of you. You may think that telling him and reminding him about what he needs to do will get him to do it. You may think that criticizing, questioning, or correcting his decisions will make him want to change. You may think that pointing out everything you feel he is doing wrong or should be doing differently will lead to different results. The truth, however, is that, if you want him to rise above the circumstances, you need to raise him up with your words.
True, your man is completely responsible for his own happiness and for the choices he makes. However, never underestimate the influence you have on him and how he comes to see and know himself. He sees himself and what he’s capable of through your eyes, and way you see him can either tear him down or lift him up. It can either discourage and deter or encourage and inspire him to new heights!
So, what does your man see when he looks into your eyes?
Does he see cynicism, doubt, and shame, or does he see trust, faith, and love?
If you have been tearing your man down out of your own fears and frustrations, the good news is that every moment gives us an opportunity to choose differently.
So, what will you choose to do and say today to help inspire your man to greatness?
Because, when it’s all said and done and he’s finally made it to the top, guess who he’s going to make sure is up there with him?
Let us know what you’re going to do today to inspire your man to greatness in the comments below! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Jul 31, 2014 | Communication, Dating, Forgiveness, Heart's Desire International, Infidelity, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Parenting, Relationship Advice, Romance, Self-Love, Sex
by Gladys Diaz
The other day, Michelle and I had a very powerful interview with Bill Weil for his “Conscious Couples Conversation” program.
In this interview, we dove deep and talking about some of the most common questions we get asked when it comes to relationships, including:
- The higher purpose of relationships
- The difference between how men and women define and experience love and respect
- The natural power women have to create and transform relationships
- The most common mistakes women make in relationships
- The essential ingredients for having a loving, intimate relationships
- The 3 R’s for keeping the love alive in your relationship
- How to have win-win arguments
And a lot more, including:
- An interesting story about the “twin connection” Michelle and I share
- How Michelle and I work together to coach women
- A beautiful excerpt from Michelle and Arnie’s wedding vows (so moving!)
Whether you are single or in a relationship, you will walk away from listening to this interview with a HUGE amount of information and inspiration for creating a loving, intimate, relationship!
Click the image below to listen to this POWER-FULL conversation!
Comment? Question about the interview? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
by heartsdesireintl | Jul 25, 2014 | Coaching, Communication, Dating, Forgiveness, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Infidelity, Intimacy, Loss of a Spouse, Love, Marriage, Parenting, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance, Self-Love, Sex, Uncategorized
by Gladys Diaz
The other day, I was watching one of my favorite TV shows with my family and they were featuring a mother in her 40s who was almost 200 pounds overweight. She was beside herself with sadness and self-loathing because she said she had given up her dreams and could not believe how much she had let herself go after having been an athlete and gymnast in her youth.
Her reason for having gotten to this point?
Being a mom.
She shared how she had gotten pregnant in college and thrown herself into being “the perfect mom” and pastor’s wife. She described how she had put so much focus on being there for her kids that she’s lost herself and forgotten who she was.
I’d like to say this is an isolated incident, but it’s not.
One of the most common fears women share with us is that they are afraid of losing themselves in a relationship.
I work with women all over the world who are trying to prove that they are Superwoman or Supermom, doing everything, working themselves to the point of exhaustion, and ignoring their own needs so that they can please and impress others.
And this isn’t an issue that only affects mothers and wives. I also see women who are single and are throwing themselves into and losing themselves in their careers, giving all of themselves, their time and attention to their bosses and companies and leaving very little time or attention for having fun, dating, and just taking care of themselves.
Unfortunately, all of these women have forgotten that the MOST important relationship you will ever have is the one you have with yourself!
If you don’t take the time to care for yourself by making time to relax, laugh, play, nurture your mind, body, and spirit, you literally have nothing left to give – to yourself or anyone else!
Giving to the point of feeling depleted, mentally and physically exhausted –and many times resentful, because you feel you’re giving, giving, and giving without getting very much in return – not only leaves you unable to have the energy, patience, and enthusiasm to date or create a loving relationship, but also teaches people how to treat you. So it’s unfair to resent the boss who keeps adding things on your plate with no recognition or additional compensation, the PTA President who knows she can call you the night before to do a task that would take anyone else weeks, or your husband who is not helping you around the house or with the kids.
When you don’t take time to make time for yourself, don’t expect others to go out of their way to do that for you, either!
It’s essential that you do something for yourself daily. Whether it’s read a book, talk on the phone with a girlfriend, take that class you’ve been saying you want to take forever, or just sit and do nothing (one of my favorites!).
When you make your needs, dreams, and self-care a priority, you are letting yourself – and the rest of the world know – that you value yourself, believe in your dreams, and know that there isn’t a need to “sacrifice” what you love and makes you happy in order to be a great woman, partner, or mother.
You’ll also find that when you make yourself a priority, all of those people who you love and are trying to make happy will rally around you, be your biggest supporters, and help make sure you have time for yourself and to make your dreams come true!
As we were watching the show, my older son said, “Wow… She had to give up her dreams so she could take care of her kids? “
I responded, “No, she didn’t have to give up her dreams. She chose to. We get to create our lives and make our dreams come true. A woman can be a great mother, have a happy relationship, and still follow her dreams.”
His response?
“Oh, yeah, Mama. Like how you take care of us and you’re also helping your clients and building your dreams for Heart’s Desire!”
My response?
“Exactly!”
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
by heartsdesireintl | Jul 22, 2014 | Coaching, Communication, Dating, Forgiveness, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Infidelity, Intimacy, Loss of a Spouse, Love, Marriage, Parenting, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance, Self-Love, Sex, Uncategorized
by Gladys Diaz
Yesterday was my husband’s birthday, and, at our house, I love making a big deal when it’s someone’s birthday by celebrating “Birthday Week.” During this week, the person gets to choose what we watch on TV, what we eat for dinner, and, basically is made to feel special all week long by everyone else in the house!
Well, Sunday night, I almost ruined Birthday Sunday for my husband. The boys had misplaced the remote control for the TV (again) and were arguing about it in the playroom. It was already late and past their bedtime, so my honey and I were ready for our “alone time,” so we could watch our shows and relax together.
When I saw that my husband was getting upset at the boys for arguing, I jumped in to “help.”
(Mistake #1 – Offering Unsolicited Help: Stepping in “to help” without there being a need or a request for it. This sends the message that you feel he is incapable of resolving the issue on his own. Instead, trust in your partner’s capability to resolve the situation himself. If he needs help, he’ll ask for it. By the way.. he probably won’t.).
The truth is that there really wasn’t any reason for me to jump in to “help.” My husband had the situation handled. I jumped in because didn’t want him to be upset with the boys (especially on Birthday Weekend) and I just wanted the arguing to stop. Now, even though these might be “good reasons” for stepping in, had I stayed on the couch and allowed him to handle things, it probably would have been resolved right away.
Instead, I jumped in and noticed that, the more I tried to “help,” the more angry he was getting. At first I thought he was angry with the kids, but, in retrospect, I can see that he must have felt like I didn’t trust him to handle the situation.
I did an exercise I do with the kids that helps them to remember where they last saw and held something, and, the remote was found!
(Victory #1 – Resolving the problem. This was short-lived, however, because of Mistake #2!)
Now, if I’d just left it at that, everyone would have felt happy, relieved, and the situation may have been over. However, for some reason, I simply had to make sure that I emphasized (rather loudly) that this is what you should do when you can’t find something.
(Mistake #2 – Proving I’m Right and You’re Wrong: This is an ego-driven need to prove the other person wrong. While there may be a sense of “victory” in having been “right,” essentially, there is no “winner” in this situation because your partner is left feeling as if he’s wrong or in some way “lesser than” you.)
Then, to prove my point further, as my husband was talking to the boys about them being responsible so that they don’t lose things, I butted in again to mentioned that things in the house don’t get “lost”; they simply get “misplaced.”
(Mistake #3 – Wanting to be “Right” AGAIN: This adds salt to the already-tender wound. By correcting or contradicting your partner, you once again disrespect him by pointing out how “right” you are. There is no demonstration of support or encouragement for your partner, which can leave him feeling upset and alone).
Well, that did it.
My husband yelled, “Okay, things in the house don’t get ‘lost,’ they are ‘misplaced! Is that better?’”
Now he was in an official funk…and so was I.
I was upset at myself for getting involved, sending the message that he couldn’t handle a simple situation, and that I was the one with the “right” solution. I saw how disrespectful and condescending I’d been. I was ashamed and angry with myself, especially since that’s not the way I am committed to treating my husband.
I wish I could say that I immediately apologized and that we were soon in a snuggly, blissful space, but that wouldn’t be true. It took me a while to get to the point that I could forgive myself enough to apologize to him. I made a first attempt to apologize, but I have to admit that it wasn’t very sincere. It came from a place of trying to “fix” things. I think he could tell, because he remained cold.
A little while later, I noticed it was past midnight (we always try to be the first to wish the other a Happy Birthday). I moved closer to him on the couch, looked him in the eye, and said, “I’m sorry I disrespected you, and I know you’re upset. I just want to say ‘Happy Birthday.’”
He leaned forward, we kissed, and I snuggled up next to him and said a prayer of thanks. (smile)
In the past, I wouldn’t have apologized. I would have made it seem like it was not such a big deal and then made him wrong (again) for not forgiving me right away. Now, even when it’s hard, I choose to apologize – because that’s something I can be responsible for – and give him space to work through his own feelings.
(Victory #2: Sincerely Apologizing. It’s not always easy to admit when you’re wrong. However, if you can put aside your pride and realize that what’s more important than being right, staying angry, or pretending like nothing happened is restoring the intimacy in the relationship, then you also recognize that it’s really a small price to pay. And now you’ve got a win-win situation going!)
Having a loving and intimate relationship isn’t about perfection. You may not always say or do the right things.
So what can you when you’ve made a mistake that impacts the closeness and connection in your relationship?
You can continue to focus on becoming your best self.
You can forgive yourself and ask for forgiveness along the way for those times when you don’t reflect the best side of yourself.
And you can recommit to restoring intimacy in your relationship.
In doing all of these things you can be confident that you are on the path to creating the happy, loving, intimate relationships your heart truly desires.
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
