by heartsdesireintl | Jul 2, 2013 | breakups, Dating, Forgiveness, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Infidelity, Intimacy, Love, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
I recently split from my man after a three year relationship. It has been very difficult for me to move on, even though he was cheating on line with a woman from his past. Over twenty years ago he had relations with this woman and a child that passed away. He had told me that she was responsible for the death and he would gain her trust to avenge the death of his daughter. I was amazed that he would tell me this and then pursue a legitimate relationship with this woman, even though she lives across the country from him.
I know this was an unhealthy relationship for me and I need to move on, but I’m guessing, that because of the rejection, I feel the need for a different ending for closure. Please give me advice on how to move on for me. No man should be the motivation for a brighter future.
I know that ending a long-term relationship is never something that is easy to do, even when all of the signs are clear that this was not a healthy relationship. I can hear that you are hurt by the betrayal, which is completely understandable. I’m also concerned that you stayed in a relationship with him, even after he mentioned that he was planning to gain this woman’s trust so that he could avenge his daughter’s death. The first thing I thought when I read that sentence was that that type of comment would have set off red flags, whistles and sirens for me regarding whether or not he was someone I could trust. He was practically letting you know that he’s someone who couldn’t be trusted.
Now, perhaps he said that in a moment of pain or distress over the loss of his daughter. I don’t know, nor do I want to begin trying to analyze the authenticity of his statement. My main concern lies with you and helping you move past this so that you can experience the healthy, happy relationship you deserve!
There is a really powerful statement you made that is at the heart of the pain you are experiencing. You wrote:
I feel the need for a different ending for closure.
The problem with this is that you want something different from what actually happened to happen, which is impossible. The fact is he was communicating with the woman he told you he was angry and blamed for the death of his daughter. Unless they were seeing each other, there wasn’t an actual affair taking place. That being said, I can still see where it would hurt you to find out that he may have been emotionally connecting with someone else. For all you know, this was part of his plan to gain her trust (based on what he said to you earlier). But the fact is that you found out about their communication and this is why the relationship ended.
Most of the time, when we are upset about something, it’s not so much that we’re upset about what happened or what is happening. The upset comes from wanting the situation to be different from what it is. And, because that is impossible – things are the way they are and they are not the way they’re not – we cause ourselves unnecessary worry, anxiety, and frustration. We keep replaying all the other ways it could have been or should have been. However, the situation remains what it is, and no amount of wanting or wishing that it were different is going to change that.
Another thing that causes us to feel pain and regret is that, while it seems that we are angry and upset at the other person for what he or she did, we’re actually upset with ourselves. We’re upset that we didn’t see or chose not to see the signs. We regret having invested so much time in a relationship that didn’t turn out the way we’d hoped. And we hold on to that upset and regret so that we don’t have to be responsible for moving forward, because there’s a risk that we might get hurt again.
So, what can you do move past this relationship so that you can open your heart to one that fulfills and honors you?
- Accept what’s happened. The first step to moving forward is going to need to be to accept that what happened, happened. Accepting what’s happened does not mean that you agree with, condone, or celebrate it. It simply means that you acknowledge that it is what happened and that wanting and wishing it to be any other way does not change what actually happened, nor does is serve you.
- Let go of regret. Are there things that you have been replaying in your mind? Things you should or shouldn’t have said or done? Mistakes or decisions you wish you’d made or hadn’t made? Actions you wish you’d said or not said? Are you regretting having spent 3 years with someone, only to have things not work out? Let go of anything that has been keeping you stuck in the wishing that things were different than the way they are.
- Forgive. While your ex may be someone you want to consider forgiving, just so that you can experience peace from anger, upset and regret, I invite you to begin by forgiving yourself. Forgive yourself for anything for which you have been blaming or making yourself wrong. If there are any regrets you didn’t let go of in the second step, or if some anger or resentment happens to come up again, accept, let go, and forgive yourself (or him) for it. Bringing love and compassion to yourself will make it much easier for you to begin to open your heart so that you can receive it from another.
And you’re right. No man should be a motivation for a brighter future. The only thing that truly results in transforming ourselves and our lives is actually inspiration, because it’s motivation that comes from within. Bring acceptance to this situation; let go of all of the pain and suffering you’ve been holding on to; and bring love and compassion to yourself. Once you’ve done that, you’ll be on the path to having the love and the life that your heart truly desires!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 27, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Infidelity, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
How do we know what we are looking for in a relationship? Especially me, who had short lived relationship of 3 ½ months, how do I change? I know everyone tells me that it’s not me but it’s hard to believe it’s not me. They tell me I shouldn’t change for someone but I would think I would have to, because if I couldn’t make this short relationship work for only 3.5 months how will I ever have a lasting long term one?
The last serious relationship I had before this short one was over ten years ago and I caught him cheating and after that I just concentrated on my son getting him through high school and college so now I need to figure how to live and find someone I can offer something to God willing?
I can hear that you are frustrated and that you really do want to be in a relationship. I also hear that you’re not exactly sure what it is that you want to experience in a relationship.
I agree with your friends that you shouldn’t have to change who you are in order for someone to love you, because you – the essence of who you are – is who you want someone to fall in love with.
There are, however, thoughts, behaviors, and patterns that don’t serve us or stop us from having what it is that we want to experience, that we may need to change. The first step, however, is to address the question at the beginning of your email: How do we know what we are looking for in a relationship?
You mention having had your heart broken twice – once as a result of a betrayal, and the other after your last relationship. Having your heart broken is never easy, and it can seem even more painful when the heartache is due to someone betraying the trust we placed in them. I’ve also found that it’s not uncommon for women to focus on other things – their children, their careers, their hobbies and interests – as a way to avoid the possibility of having to experience that sort of heartache again.
The problem is that, if what your heart truly desires is to be in a relationship, even if you find pleasure and satisfaction in the other things you are focusing on, part of you may always feel unfulfilled, because you are not honoring that desire. The only way to truly feel fulfilled is to honor our truth and to be willing to take a risk – yes, even one that involves potential heartache – in order to experience what we truly want.
You ask how you can truly know what you want in a relationship. Many times, women will begin to list what it is they want to find in a man or the type of man with whom they want to be in a relationship. However, the love and happiness we seek will never be found in another person. That’s way too much responsibility and pressure to put on another human being who is already dealing with being responsible for his own happiness. Instead, what you want to focus on is how you want to feel within that relationship. What is the type of experience you’d like to have?
When you think about or envision yourself being in a “happy relationship,” what does that mean?
What does it feel like? What are the emotions you feel that let you know that you know that you know that this is it?
What does it look like? How do you relate to one another? What are the things you do that let both of you know that you are exactly where you’ve always dreamed you’d be inside of a relationship?
What does it sound like? What are the words that you speak and say to one another? How do you speak to one another? What’s the experience of speaking and being heard by one another like?
Really try to envision yourself in the type of relationship you dream of being in.
If you’re still not sure of what that dream relationship would be like, picture couples who you consider to be happy together. What do you notice when you observe them? What makes it seem like theirs is a good relationship?
Don’t rush to answer. Give it some thought. Many of us have not asked ourselves these types of questions, because we’re so focused on meeting him and on how he needs to look, be, and act that we don’t always think about what it is we’d like to create with him – whoever he is – once we attract him into our lives.
So, take your time, allow yourself to dream big, and then begin to live and be the qualities you’d like to see in your dream relationship so that you can attract someone who also wants to create that with you!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 26, 2013 | breakups, Communication, Dating, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Infidelity, Love, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
For the past four weeks, I’ve been in a relationship with a guy who acted so serious and told me to stop seeing other guys. He would get mad if he came to my house and I was not around. Two days ago, I checked his phone and found out a girl is presently pregnant by him. I asked him to explain and he said he couldn’t and started blaming me for touching his phone, so I left. He hasn’t called me since I left his house. I won’t call him again, but do you think I did the right thing?
The first thing that popped into my head when I read your email was “What had you want to check his phone?” Could it have been your intuition?
In working with women, I often hear that they feel that they can’t trust their intuition, because “it’s broken.” They refer to examples of times when they were suddenly surprised by infidelity or discovering an addiction or physically abusive tendencies in their boyfriends or husbands, or realizing that they guy just wasn’t the right man for them. Upon speaking with the women a little more at length, we discover that many of the signs had been there all along. They just chose to ignore the red flags so that they wouldn’t have to make the choice to leave. Usually, the choice to ignore red flags and alarms that may be going off is based on fear and not wanting to recognize that the relationship is not really what we want, so that we don’t have to make the choice to walk away.
Here are some questions I invite you to ask yourself so that you can have more clarity about what happened and what it is that you want, moving forward:
- You mentioned that you’ve been in a relationship with this man for four weeks. How long did you date him before you chose to become exclusive?
- Did you give yourself an opportunity to get to know him well before choosing to stop seeing other men?
- How did it make you feel when he got angry if you weren’t home? Did you feel safe? …afraid? Did you take it as a positive sign?
- And, finally, do you want him to call you back knowing that he is about to have a baby with someone else and did not tell you about it? If so, why is that?
There’s nothing “wrong” with him having a baby with someone else if they are no longer together. I think that may have you feeling upset is that he did not tell you about this. Another question you may want to ask yourself is whether a new baby being in the picture is something you feel you are ready and willing to deal with to deal with so this early in a relationship?
You ask whether I think that you did the right thing. If you’re referring to looking through his phone, I have to say “no,” because that was not respectful of his privacy. However, I think the bigger question is why you felt compelled to look through his phone in the first place. That may give you the answer that will make the biggest difference for you, moving forward.
If you’re referring to whether or not you made a good choice by leaving and not calling him back, I do believe that those were good choices you made if you felt unsafe in any way or if the conversation was turning into an argument. Sometimes, it’s best to walk away and take some time to gain clarity about how you feel and what it is you want so that you can make a choice that empowers you and is aligned with what your heart desires.
I invite you to the time to ask yourself the questions above so that you can get the closure you want for yourself. And, of course, free to reach out to me if you’d like some additional support in working through this.
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 24, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Loss of a Spouse, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
My wonderful, sexy, amazingly funny, husband died last year from heart complications following open heart surgery. He was in the hospital for the last three months of his life. When do you know to give your heart to that someone, especially if you have been grieving for almost a year? If, he says “I love you,” how do you tell him not to say that to you for a while, and how to say it without hurting his feelings?
First, I am so sorry for your loss. Having been widowed myself, I know that there are so many mixed feelings that come with having lost the man you loved and considering when it’s time to begin moving forward again.
I remember feeling like part of me died with my late husband. All of the dreams and plans we’d made for our future were no longer possible once he was gone. I felt lost, afraid, and seriously wondered whether I would ever find that kind of happiness again with another person. Part of me wanted to move forward and allow myself to feel happiness again. Part of me was angry and upset, wondering why this had happened to me at such a young age. And another part of me wondered if I’d have to just settle for someone who made me feel “kind of happy,” “sort of loved,” and “somewhat ready” to move forward.
I’ll be honest and say that I didn’t feel 100% ready to fall in-love with someone new when I met Ric. I was still grieving. There were more better days than when my husband first passed away, but there were also still some days where the sadness and loneliness overwhelmed me. I wasn’t looking to find someone new, but I was willing to open up to the idea of at least feeling some happiness again.
When I did meet and started going out with my husband, I felt a little guilty about feeling so happy again, and I was also terrified that I’d have my heart broken. I wanted to know how things were going to turn out before I invested my heart. I also wasn’t sure how to respond to the love that he was so openly sending my way.
I decided one day that I could be scared and uncertain and still allow myself the permission to be happy and see where things would go with him.
He shared his love for me first, and I remember thinking, “I really thought I’d never hear those words again, and here they are!” And when I shared my love for him, I remember thinking, “I never thought I’d feel this way or speak those words again, and here I am!” It was a wonderful, amazing feeling to know that it was actually possible for me to receive and give love and to feel happiness again.
You ask when you should give your heart to someone new. The truth is that only you will know when you are willing to do that. You may not feel “ready,” but if you feel willing to do it – to take a chance and give yourself to permission to feel joy and love again – then it’s going to take some courage, but you can do it. You just have to let yourself open up and let that love in.
You also ask how to tell him not to say that he loves you for a while without hurting his feelings. I don’t think it’s fair to him to tell him what he should or shouldn’t do. You can, however, tell him what you’d prefer. Let him know how it makes you feel when he says that he loves you, thank him for his love and how it makes you feel to be loved, and let him know that you need a little more time before you feel ready to respond. That way, you’re acknowledging his feelings for you and letting him know that this is about you not feeling ready to respond in kind, rather than telling him how he should feel or what he should or shouldn’t say.
And I invite you to just spend a little time with you, asking yourself how you feel about him. Acknowledge any fears that may be standing in your way and blocking you from allowing yourself to give or receive love from this man. Are you willing to give yourself permission to live and love again?
Remind yourself that giving yourself permission to laugh, love, and live again do not in any way diminish or discredit the love you and your husband shared. It’s just a new season in your life. And, if the man you are seeing now is a good man who gives you the experience of feeling loved, cherished, and cared for, then why would you deny yourself those feelings?
You have an opportunity to experience love more than once in a lifetime! I invite you to allow for the possibility that your happiness honors the love you and your husband shared as well as honoring your own desires to live life having the experience of loving and being loved!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 22, 2013 | breakups, Forgiveness, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Infidelity, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Parenting, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
I dated a man for 7 years before I married him. We had, – or I should say I had – an awful experience with my stepchildren. They kept accusing me of being a gold digger, and not only am I NOT, but I watched the greedy children complain about what they were getting if I married him. We ended up running off and eloped! What a mistake.
It was only days into the marriage and they were walking in our home like they stilled lived there. Borrowing excessive money behind my back and created a wedge by only communicating with their dad and made me feel like an outsider.
To make a long story short, I filed for divorce and a restraining order after multiple abuse and disappearing acts and text messages to old girlfriends. My dilemma is I keep going back and forth about whether he really loved me and, if so, what went wrong and could it have been worked out? I can’t seem to trust anyone! I’m very skeptical of every guy I meet or date, I feel like I never got closure because of the restraining order/no contact order. However, he texted me numerous times, mailed perfume, called my therapist, and challenged boundaries over and over again. The police did nothing but slap his hand. And, as for me, I still feel like I need to tell him off or expose his lies and deceit to the world before I can move on. He betray me in every way and yet painted a picture of how much he loved me to everyone when, in fact, lied about his abuse and cheating on me. I know it takes time, but, sheez, I was made as a fool. I truly believe he’s a narcissist. How do I move on?
I can hear how much pain you feel at having that relationship turn out the way it did and how afraid you are to move forward. Having invested that much time with someone, only to have things not turn out the way you had hoped and dreamed would leave anyone feeling unsure of herself and about what to do to move on.
The first thing I thought of when I read your email was, “How were things during those 7 years of courtship?” Seven years is a very long time to wait to get married and long time for someone to not reveal his true colors.
I’m wondering if there were reasons why it took that long for a commitment to be made, beyond the issues with his children. I also wonder what your relationship with him and his children was like before you both began talking about marriage and how he responded to the way you were treated by them.
Blending a family can have its challenges, and how the couple chooses to address those challenges prior to marriage sets the foundation for what it will be like once they are married.
Did you let him know how much their behavior hurt you? Was he willing to stand up for you? Did he treat you with love and respect in front of them? How did you feel about becoming part of the family? Did you express those feelings purely to him – not telling him what he needed to do about it, but just sharing what you felt and how you would like to feel? And how did he respond to their efforts to ignore and make you feel left out?
I want to clarify that I’m not saying that any of this was your “fault.” I don’t believe that blaming or shaming ourselves serves us in any way. However, in order to truly begin to move forward, it’s important that we are willing to take responsibility for the role that we played in the relationship, looking to see where we were willing to accept things that we knew did not feel right for us, and learning those lessons so that we do not repeat the same behaviors in the future. It’s not “easy” work, to look within, rather than outside of ourselves for the things that didn’t work, but it is an essential to creating new patterns of thought and behavior.
For example, you mention that there were incidents of abuse and infidelity. Were there were signs and red flags regarding his tendencies to hurt and be unfaithful to you?
It’s been my experience in working with women that, when there has been abuse and consistent incidences of infidelity in the marriage, there were actually red flags that were ignored early in the relationship.
Was he prone to getting excessively angry? Did he ever shake or push you or put his hands on you in anger? Were there times when you felt afraid for your safety and later dismissed, excused, or rationalized his behavior and the way you felt? Did you feel emotionally and physically safe when you were with him?
Regarding the infidelity, were there disappearances prior to getting married? Would he drop out of communication for long periods of time? It sounds like you found inappropriate text messages. Did something make you look through his phone to find the text messages?
Usually, when women invest time in looking through their husbands’ or boyfriends’ phones, computers, and electronic accounts, it’s because something in their gut is sending is telling them that there is something going on. Were there signs prior to getting married that he might not be capable of being faithful to you?
Again, please understand that I’m not saying you did anything to deserve any type of unacceptable behavior on his part. It’s just important that you’re willing to see whether there was anything you might have done that sent the message that behavior that hurt, dishonored, or disrespected you was something you would tolerate or excuse.
It’s important that you recognize whether there were signs that were ignored and ways that you justified them so that you can be aware of these in the future and not allow your fears and uncertainty to keep you from being willing to open your heart to a man who will love and cherish you the way you deserve!
It’s also important to remember to have compassion with yourself. I imagine that it can’t be easy for you to have been through everything you’ve gone through. Regardless of whether or not there were signs that were ignored, the fact is that you loved him and you envisioned yourself being loved by him for the rest of your life. Seeing that dream come to an end can’t be an easy reality to deal with, and I hope that you are taking time to really bring love, forgiveness, and compassion to yourself. The truth is that, whatever decisions and choices that were made in the past, they are not predictors of what is possible for you in the future. You are deserving of love, time, attention, loyalty, and intimacy.
If you can own the role you played in your previous relationship, take the lessons from it that will serve you, and bring compassion and love to yourself, you will be on the path to moving beyond this pain and opening your heart again so that you can experience the love you deserve and your heart desires!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 21, 2013 | Dating, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Love, Relationship Advice, Romance, Sex
by Gladys Diaz
Gladys – How can I raise my self-esteem and so my future relationships are healthier and my standards are higher? I tend to start relationships and fall in love/care/get attached so quickly (although I hate to admit that) and it doesn’t matter whether the man is an appropriate mate or not. Most times I even know that he isn’t right or appropriate and think it’s ok because it’s just a “fling.” But, I always end up feeling very empty and rejected because it doesn’t pan out.
I would like to be brave enough to have high standards and also raise my self-esteem so all my relationships in life are improved upon. People don’t understand why I am single (I’m good looking, smart, nice, etc.), but I am weak when it comes to men and can let people take advantage because I am a pleaser. Any suggestions?
Becoming too attached to a man is not very uncommon when it comes to dating, particularly if we feel very attracted to him. Many times, that initial attraction or “chemistry” can lead us to want to make something that is just “a fling” or just “a date” into a relationship. Trying to force something to be what it is not can be exhausting and disappointing in the end.
There are several things that you can do to help raise your self-esteem and begin to create more healthy and fulfilling relationships:
- Be clear about what you want to experience in a relationship. Too often, women are so focused on simply being in a relationship that they forget about what they really want to experience in one. They focus on who or what the man needs to be like – the criteria he must meet physically, financially, and educationally – that, when they find a man who meets that checklist, they’ll do everything they can to try to make him “The One.” Rather than focusing on him and what he needs to do or be, focus on what you want to experience – how you want to feel when you’re in a relationship. When you focus on making the experience your priority, it will be crystal-clear to you when it’s time to walk away from a man that is not helping you create that experience.
- Avoid getting physically intimate before there is a commitment. This is especially important if what you desire is something more than just a fling. When you rush into sleeping with someone before you’re sure that he’s someone with whom you’d like to have that type of emotional and physical bond, you always risk getting hurt. Once those hormones kick in before, during, and after having sex, a bond is created and it’s almost impossible to see things clearly and as they actually are, rather than how we wish they would or could be. This bond will have you stay with a man much longer than you would if you had waited to see if he was someone in whom you felt safe and comfortable making that type of physical and emotional investment.
- Put your happiness first. No one is going to love you more than you love yourself. It’s important that you make yourself a priority even once you are in a relationship. This means that you take responsibility for your own happiness, rather than expecting a man to make you happy. It means that you are clear about what you want and deserve – which is to love and be loved fully and completely – so that you don’t settle for less. Stop referring to yourself as “weak” when it comes to men and remind yourself that you are fully at choice regarding what happens when it comes to men and relationship. You get to choose who to go out with. You get to choose how you allow yourself to be treated. And you get to make choices that honor what you want to experience in a relationship. No one can take advantage of you without you allowing it. So, remember that it’s okay to say that something doesn’t work for you and to move on if the other person isn’t willing to honor that.
We have a lot more power than we give ourselves credit for when it comes to dating and relationships. Take some time to look within yourself and see what it is that you want to experience in a relationship, what you are willing or not willing to compromise on regarding that experience, and begin putting yourself and your happiness first. That will boost your confidence and you will begin to attract men to you who are willing and ready to honor and create that experience with you!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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