The other day I was speaking with a woman about some of the difficulties she has been experiencing in relationships. We began discussing some of the patterns she’s been experiencing in relationships – attracting emotionally unavailable men; not moving from the “dating phase” into being in a relationship; and how, when she is in a relationship, trust and communication issues begin to creep in and the relationship is soon over.
As we spoke, I helped her uncover some of the recurring thoughts and behaviors that were impacting her and her relationships before, during, and while dating a man, and how many of these had to do with setting healthy boundaries.
Now, there is a lot of talk out there about what boundaries are and how they should look in dating and relationships, so, before I go on, let me clarify:
The boundaries you set in relationships are intended for YOU, not the other person!
This bears repeating: Your boundaries are for YOU, not him.
Too many times, the information out there about setting healthy relationship boundaries is encouraging women to create a bunch of “rules,” requirements, and criteria a man must meet in order to be with her. The idea is that she sets up all of these restrictions in order to eliminate getting hurt or wasting her time.
While I agree that relationships are notintended to be hurtful or a waste of time, it’s important that you understand that boundaries are not a list of rules or requirements someone else must follow or respect in order to be able to be with you.
Setting healthy boundaries is about you deciding what you want, what works and doesn’t work for you, and what you will do to ensure that you respect and honor those boundaries yourself.
For example, if one of the relationship boundaries you have set is that you will only sleep with a man once you are in a committed and monogamous relationship, then that is a boundary you have set for yourself, which means you are responsible for not putting yourself in situations where you might be tempted to go beyond that boundary.
Notice how I said that you are the one responsible. Letting a guy know that this is what you prefer is important. However, once you’ve shared that information with him, it’s not fair to make him responsible for honoring that boundary, especially if you’re going to keep putting yourself in situations that keep pushing the envelope further and further every time the two of you are together.
If, for example, you have a personal boundary about the communication in your relationships being loving and respectful, then it’s up to you to make sure that when you speak – even (and especially) when you are upset – you remain calm, refraining from hurling insults, and that you’re willing to listen to the other person as much as you would like to be heard. If you’re not honoring that boundary, then you can’t expect or make the other person responsible for speaking to you in a calm, respectful manner, or to listen when it’s your turn to speak.
Having healthy boundaries for yourself is important.
Being clear about what you want to experience and how you would like to be treated in a relationship is critical to actually manifesting that in your life.
However, remember that the boundaries you set are not requirements, rules, or criteria that someone else must follow. They are intended for you, and, when you honor them, you honor yourself, which then makes it easier for others to honor you, as well!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
When we begin a new relationship, we are so happy, hopeful, and excited about sharing our love and life with a wonderful man. I honestly don’t know of anyone who gets into a relationship with the intention of causing themselves or the other person heartache. We usually begin with the intention of making the relationship work.
That’s why there’s probably nothing more frightening than being in a relationship and noticing how the love, passion, and intimacy are beginning to fade away. At first, it may not be very obvious. It can seem like your lives have just gotten busier with work, kids, and other responsibilities. Maybe you’re not kissing, hugging or having as much sex as you used to, you’re not talking or connecting as often with one another; when you are talking, it seems like you usually end up in an argument.
I speak with women almost every day who are in this situation and who are wondering if there is any hope for their relationships. The women usually fall into one of these categories.
In Denial.
If you’re in denial, then you’re ignoring the changes that are taking place. You may be rationalizing and telling yourself that this type of thing is “normal” in a relationship, that all relationships go through slumps, and that this is just a phase you and your guy are going through.
The problem with denial is that, in ignoring the fact that there may be a problem, you also avoid doing anything to fix or change what is happening. The likelihood that things are going to “just get better on their own” is slim to none. Instead, the intimacy and romance will continue to deteriorate until nothing is left and you’ll find yourself asking yourself, “What happened? How did we get here?”
In Blame Mode.
If you’re in “blame mode,” then you’ve begun looking at all of the things the man you love is doing wrong to ruin the relationship. Not only do you see everything he is doing and saying wrong, but you make sure you point it out to him every chance you get. You see where he’s not being loving or romantic, where he’s not making an effort to connect, where he’s not initiating sex. It’s blatantly obvious to you that if he would just change, then the relationship would be fine.
The problem with being in blame mode is that you are making your man responsible for everything that is not going right in the relationship, and avoiding owning up to the role you have been playing in allowing things to get to this point. Inside of blaming him, you don’t have to be responsible for what you are doing (or not doing) to impact the love and intimacy in the relationship. Regardless of whether or not he is making some mistakes, the truth is that you can’t control or change him or what he’s doing. The only person you can truly control is yourself. So, until you begin owning the part you are playing in having your relationship unravel, you can’t do anything to turn things around.
Unsure of What to Do.
If you’re a woman in this category, it’s likely that you realize that your relationship is in trouble, you are willing to acknowledge that there are things you can do to change the dynamic of the relationship, but you don’t know what those things are or how to begin making the changes. You may have tried some things on your own that either backfired or didn’t produce the results you hoped for. You may be afraid to do anything because you are scared to mess things up even further. Or you may really be afraid of trying to make changes, only to find that nothing changes.
This is the category of hope! Where there is a willingness to change, change is possible! Your uncertainty comes from not knowing where to begin. So it stands to reason that with the right information, tools, and support, you will be able to make the changes that will help shift the dynamic in your relationship!
If you fall into either of the first two categories – denial or blame mode – pay close attention, because the truth is that if you continue ignoring the changes in your relationship, pretending they are not happening, waiting for him to be the one to make the first move, and/or thinking that things are going to get better on their own, you have to know that your relationship will continue to deteriorate and will probably end.
If, however, you are willing to admit that things are not going to get better on their own, acknowledge that there are changes that need to take place, and you’re ready to do the work it will take to turn things around and reignite the love, peace, and romance in your relationship, then reach out to me so that we can talk about where your relationship is, where you would like it to be, and what you can begin doing right away to create that shift!
I’ve reserved a few slots in my schedule next week to speak specifically to women who are ready to begin transforming their relationships.
Just click here to set up a time for a Love Clarity call!
You deserve to have the happy, fulfilling relationship your heart truly desires with the man you love! Let’s connect and talk about how you can make your dreams come true!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
This week is Autism Awareness Week. When we first learned of my son’s diagnosis, I was terrified. I didn’t know what it would mean for him or us, and I was afraid that there were things he wouldn’t be able to experience because it. We’ve spent the last four years doing everything we can to teach, help, and empower him to do everything he can to reach his highest potential. Time and time again, he’s managed to surprise and amaze us by overcoming challenges the books and “experts” say would be difficult for him.
This weekend, Nico will be achieving another huge milestone. He’s going on his first camping trip without me!
I’m not going to pretend that I’m perfectly “okay” with this. I’m afraid. He’ll be sleeping alone in a tent, outdoors, hours away, and I won’t be there to help him, speak up for him, or take care of any challenges that might come up.
I’ve had moments when I’ve broken down, I’ve been praying up a storm, and, this morning I ran two miles in his honor, just so that I could work some of the anxiety out of my body!
I’ve also been doing a lot of the fear exercises we teach our clients! (I practice what I teach!)
But Nico says he that wants to do this, and he wants to do it alone.
He looked me straight in the eye (a challenge for people with Asperger’s) and said, “Mama, I can handle this.”
So I’m standing in faith!
I’m trusting that God will watch over him and that the adult and Boy Scout leaders will watch out for and be there for him.
I’m trusting that he will be able to work through his challenges and ask for help, if he needs it.
And I’m trusting that, even when my fears come up this weekend, I will be able to work through them and get to the other side of fear: freedom!
How will I work through my fears? I’ll follow the same steps we teach our clients!
You can use these steps whenever you are facing a fear related to dating, your relationship, career, health, or any other area of your life!
Realize that fears are only imagined thoughts.
Although the fear and anxiety you experience when you’re afraid feels real at the time, the truth is that whatever you’re thinking about is not actually happening. It’s only the thought of what might happen that is causing you to worry.
If you can remind yourself that what you are afraid of is not actually happening in reality – right here and now – you can immediately suck some of the power out of that fear!
Remind yourself of what is actually happening.
Once you are able to see your fears as imagined thoughts, then you want to bring yourself to the present moment and to what is actually happening. Where are you sitting, who are you with, what is taking place around you?
Redirect your mind to focus on what is actually happening so that you can reinforce the thought that what you fear is just a thought and it’s not really happening.
Create an empowering thought to replace the fearful one.
Regardless of whether or not you believe it to be true, your thoughts are what create your reality. Rather than tormenting yourself with fearful thoughts that you are allowing to rob you of your peace and power, redirect your mind to more empowering thoughts.
Remind yourself of how strong, beautiful, and powerful you are. Remind yourself that you are capable, courageous, and confident.
You may be asking,“But how can I believe this if it’s not true?”
Well, consider that your imagined fear isn’t true, either, but you chose to believe that thought, so you can choose to believe your empowering thought instead!
The only reason our fears and doubts seem so real and powerful is because of all of the time and energy we have spent thinking them. If you want to have a different experience of yourself and your life, begin thinking different thoughts.
It make take some time and lots of repetition until these new empowering thoughts take root, but the more your practice saying them to yourself, the easier it will become to believe them. And, before you know it, they will begin to kick in the moment you begin to experience a fearful thought!
Now,that’s power!
So, when you read this article, if you have a moment, please send a positive thought or prayer Nico’s and my way! If you want to post it below, in the comments, I’ll make sure I show it to him before he leaves or when he gets back on Sunday!
And, the next time you begin to experience fear, remember Nico’s words, “I can handle this,” and work through the steps to move your thoughts from fear to faith to freedom!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Last week, my husband and I had a conversation we’d been avoiding for years. It was something we knew we had to do. We’d talked about having the conversation, mentioned it to others, and, still, months and years went by without us having it. Why?
We were afraid of what it would mean – for us and for our family.
The conversation I’m referring to wasn’t a conversation we needed to have with one another. It was the conversation to let our older son know that he has Asperger’s Syndrome – a mild form of Autism.
We found out that our son had Autism during the summer before he begin first grade. The truth, however, is that I’d had my suspicions since the time that he was about 2 years old. There were signs that he wasn’t connecting with others, he had obsessive patterns of behavior, and changes in his schedule were very difficult for him to handle.
I even had a “secret” folder on my computer where I had been gathering research about Asperger’s Syndrome. No one knew about my suspicions, except me. For years, I carried this feeling with me, but was too afraid of what it might mean if my suspicions were confirmed.
The decision to not tell my son about his diagnosis was one that my husband and I made together. We went back and forth about the pros and cons of letting him know, considered what it would mean to him, how he might react. We were afraid of saying something that might set him off, make him feel like there was something “wrong” with him, or that he might use his diagnosis as an excuse, rather than the reason for trying harder. At the same time, we wondered if not telling him would cause just as many issues for him, with him never knowing why he felt and was sometimes treated as if he were “different.”
I can’t tell you how many times I envisioned us having this conversation with him. In each scenario, I would hear my son asking a million questions (something he does anyway), questioning who he is, why there was something “wrong” with him, how it could be cured (there is no cure for autism), and why this had to happen to him. I pictured him crying, storming out of the room, or throwing a tantrum.
The fear of what I imagined his reaction would be is one of the things that kept me delaying having the conversation. I couldn’t imagine having to have to comfort my son, answer questions I didn’t have the answers to, and explain something that, quite honestly, I understand very little about myself.
We finally decided to stop avoiding having the conversation. He’s about to go to middle school, and we want him to be able to speak up for himself if he needs help. We planned what we would tell him and decided to keep it as simple as possible, allowing him to ask questions if he wanted more information.
Last week, we sent our little one upstairs and let him know we needed to talk with him. I was sweating, cold, and trying not to cry, all at the same time. I looked at my husband. We gave each other the look that said, “We’re in this together,” and we told him in the most simple and matter-of-fact way about his diagnosis, what it meant, what it didn’t mean, and why it was important that he know about it now that he’s getting older.
He asked us some questions like, “Is this why I feel left out a lot of the time?” (that was a hard one to hear), “Is this why I’m really good at math?” (an easier one to hear), “Is this why I have trouble with my short-term memory?”
Then he asked me if I had Asperger’s, too. I told him I didn’t but that dad had learned that he might have it, and that seemed to make him feel better. Then, out of nowhere, he asked if Albert Einstein had Asperger’s. I smiled and said that, a matter of fact, doctors now believe that he did (this made him feel a lot better).
When we asked him how he felt about knowing that he had Asperger’s Syndrome, he said, something I had never imagined in any of my worst-case-scenarios.
He said smiled and said, “It feels good knowing that there is something unique about me!”
In that moment, all of my imagined fears fell away. All of the doubts I’d had about whether or not telling him was a good idea, disappeared. And I had to smile to hide back the tears.
I spent years ignoring the fact that I suspected my son had Asperger’s because I was afraid of what others would say and how they’d treat him. I was afraid of what it might mean for him and his life. But avoiding the issue didn’t make the Asperger’s go away.
I spent years avoiding telling my son about his diagnosis because I was afraid of how he might react, that it might be “devastating” for him, and that I wouldn’t know how to help him through understanding and dealing with it. But, eventually, we had to have the conversation, anyway.
I spent years carrying all of that unnecessary fear, emotional stress, and useless worrying.
And, in the end, he just felt special!
So, how does this relate to you and your relationship?
Is there something in your relationship that you’re not dealing with?
Are there signs that the intimacy in your relationship is fading?
Are you arguing more than you need to?
Are you not connecting the way that you used to?
Are you pretending that the problems aren’t there?
Is there a conversation you’ve been avoiding having?
Are you afraid of what he might say or not say?
Are you imagining a worst-case scenario in your head that is keeping you from having a discussion that might actually help turn things around?
Pretending that the problems are not there doesn’t mean the problems aren’t there, nor is it helping to solve them.
Avoiding having the conversation because you are afraid of how he might react or what might happen as a result isn’t solving anything either. It’s just delaying the inevitable, and could actually be making things worse because of your unwillingness to deal with reality.
I know it’s going to take courage to see what you may have been unwilling to see and to say what you’ve been afraid to say.
Consider that what you are imagining may be ten times worse than what actually ends up happening.
And consider that having the courage to confront reality and deal with what there is to deal with now may save you years of dealing with unnecessary worry, fear, and heartache.
If you need support with having a difficult conversation, contact us.
We can help you gather your thoughts and communicate them in a way that will help you say what needs to be said and empower you to begin turning things around in your relationship.
You don’t have to avoid things or pretend any longer, and you don’t have to face it alone!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below, we love hearing from you!
This afternoon, Michelle and I had an opportunity to join our friend and host of Social Chats, Tonya Scholz and her co-host, Dean Bairaktaris to discuss why and how men and women communicate differently and how understanding these differences can make or break a relationship.
It was an interesting topic, to say the least!
The truth is that good communication is at the heart of making a relationship work. But “good communication” isn’t just about you saying what you want the other person to hear. It involves understanding how to say what it is you want to say so that the other person can understand what is being said. It’s also about understanding and accepting that there are differences in the way that men and women speak, hear, process, and use the information being delivered and received.
If we can begin to understand these differences, and accept them as not as “right” or “wrong,” “better” or “worse,” but simply as different, we are on our way to improving and bring peace to all of our relationships – our romantic relationships, the relationship we have with our family and friends, those with our co-workers, and, yes, even the relationship between countries!
Below are some of the main differences we spoke about on the show.
Women tend to speak a lot more than men do,
The fact is that most women tend to speak more – a lot more – than men do. For example, research shows that, while most women tend to speak about 20,000 words a day, most men speak about 10,000 words in a day. That means that there is a 50% difference between the amount of talking that is being done between men and women.
This is why, while women tend to want to include what we feel are “important details” when telling a story or relaying information, men tend to want us to just “get to the point.” It’s also why you’ll begin to see that “glazed” look come across a man’s face when there are simply too many words being said. It’s not that he doesn’t care or doesn’t want to listen. It’s just that there’s so much coming at him at once, it’s difficult to figure out what it is you are really trying to say.
If, as women, we can understand this, then we can begin to get clear about what it is we want to say so that he can actually hear it!
Women’s and men’s brains process emotional information differently.
While men’s brains tend to process better in the left hemisphere – which is more logical and factual, women tend to process equally between both hemispheres. There are actually more areas of the woman’s brains that connect their ability to feel, process, and speak about their feelings, then in the man’s brain. This is why, if a woman is communicating very emotionally, she may have the experience that the man “doesn’t care,” because he isn’t saying anything right away. It possible that what he’s doing is processing the information coming at him. He’s actually having to “sift” through all of the emotions coming at him, coupled with the tone of voice, volume level, tears (if there are any), the intensity with which the actual words are being delivered.
If, as women, we can understand this, then we can begin to be responsible forthe manner in which we are communicating, and choose to wait until we can do so in a calm and rationale manner so that (1) he can actually hear what we’re saying, and (2) so that the processing time can be shorter.
Women tend to want to talk about several things at once, while men are more single-focused
There are two difference that fall under this category.
Men are single-focused individuals. While a woman can talk about what happened during the day, the fact that she’s worried about her friend’s surgery, and the argument that she had with a co-worker, men tend to be single-minded. That means that they will communicate better if there is one topic being addressed at a time.
By the way, ladies, this is also why he’s not listening when you’re talking to him during the game! It’s not that he doesn’t care, it’s that he’s focused on something else. It’s not personal, so don’t take it personally!
Men prefer transition time. If a man has been dealing with something at work, working on a project, or doing something that takes a lot of his attention and energy and you want to have a conversation with him, it’s probably a good idea to give him some transition time, or, what I refer to as “time to decompress.”
Allowing some time for his attention and energy to transition from one activity or topic to the other means that, when you do finally get to communicate with him, the conversation is probably going to go a lot better than if you approach him with a machine gun of questions, topics, and decisions that need to be made right away.
If, as women, we can understand and accept this difference, then we can allow time to pass so that when we finally do have the conversation we’d like to have with him, he can be present, attentive, and responsive to what we are saying.
The most important thing to keep in mind is that the communication styles between men and women are “different,” does not mean that one is better or worse than the other.
If we can bring both understanding and acceptance to these differences, we’ll not only be able to improve the level and type of communication we have in our relationships, but we’ll also experience more peace, happiness, and intimacy as a result!
Feel free to contact usif you’d like more information on how you can learn learn how to communicate more effectively with members of the opposite sex!
We’ll be sharing the actual interview in our next article!
For more information on Social Chats, visit: http://socialchats.net/
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
A few weeks ago, Michelle and I hosted a Live Group Coaching Call, where we had the opportunity to coach some of the women in our community on what has been stopping them from attracting love into their lives.
Each woman had a unique story and each demonstrated courage and vulnerability as she opened up her heart and allowed Michelle and I to guide her through taking a look within to identify something that was hidden in her blind spot that was causing her to repeat patterns that were blocking love from entering into her life.
In today’s Coaching Clip we’d like to share one of those coaching sessions with you, so that you can experience what it’s like to have a real breakthrough.
As you listen to the coaching session, we invite you to take the coaching in and make it apply to what you are experiencing in your own life.
What are you hiding from in relationships?
Who are you pretending to be in your relationships?
What is it you don’t want your date, lover, or husband to see?
What are you afraid will happen if he discovers who you really are – behind the mask?
What patterns have you been repeating in your relationships?
And what do you think is standing in the way of you breaking free from past fears, patterns, and beliefs so that you can experience the love you dream of?
Click below to listen to our coaching session with Vivi and how she was about to clearly see what had been standing in the way of her experiencing the kind of relationships her heart desires.
There will be a Group Coaching Call at the end of each training session so that we can help guide you through your own inner journey and identify the fears, doubts, and limiting beliefs that are stopping you from experiencing the love you desire.
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