by heartsdesireintl | Jul 1, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Parenting, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
Yesterday I attended Social Media Day Miami, an amazing event organized by a group of community volunteers who believe in the power of social media for connecting, sharing your message, making a difference, and building your business. Many of the organizers belong to the Social Media Club of South Florida, the group that the set the 30-Day Blogging Challenge in which I’ve been participating.
I attended the event to learn how I can continue to use social media to connect with women from around the world who are interested in not only attracting a good man into their lives, but building an extraordinary relationship that lasts for a lifetime. Surprisingly, however, some of the best lessons I learned had nothing to do with social media.
They didn’t even take place during the sessions. They happened spontaneously in the hallways talking with some of the men who attended the event.
They were lessons about how men feel about being married; how they see their roles as fathers; and how, when a man is really interested in a woman, there is nothing that he’ll let get in the way of being with her.
Lesson #1: Men Love Being Happily Married
The first teachable moment occurred as I was on my way to a session. I happened to stop to say hello to a very good friend of mine who just happened to be talking about me to two young men and a lady. She was telling them about how the coaching she’d received from me and Heart’s Desire International had helped her get in touch with her feminine energy and attract an incredibly wonderful man into her life!
I was so surprised to see how excited the two guys were about the work that I do. They wanted to know more about it, and then Lesson #1 came. One of the men said, “You know what I didn’t know. That when you get married (pointing at his wedding ring), it just gets better!”
This is why, when I introduce myself as a dating and relationship coach, and a woman quickly (and, sometimes nervously) says, “Oh, I’m happily married!” – as in: “I don’t need your business card. Nothing’s wrong here! Thank you!”) – I tell her “That’s great! Here’s my card! I also specialize in teaching women how to keep the love and passion alive in their relationships so that they can stay happily married for a lifetime!”
It was great to hear a man speak so excitedly about love and relationships, and even more heartwarming to hear him speak about being married as the best thing that ever happened to him. That, ladies, is one of the best compliments a woman can ever get!
Lesson #2: Men Take Their Roles as Fathers Seriously
As another friend and I were talking to two other men later in the day, the conversation turned to marriage and parenting (I can’t help it! I’m a magnet for these conversations!)
It was absolutely inspiring when the men began talking about their children and how they see their roles as fathers. One of the men shared how, he’s not so concerned about his kids getting a good job and succeeding. He said that those things will fall in place. Instead, he said he wants them to become “good people.” He wants them to honor God and just be good people. And the passion with which he spoke let you know just how committed he was to being the role model for them to follow.
The other man shared how for him it’s important that his kids be open to all different types of people. He and his wife come from completely different cultural backgrounds, and he wants his children to be exposed to as many cultures, foods, and experiences as possible. He told us how every weekend he and his family spend time with other families from different backgrounds, eating cultural foods, and just learning about one another. He, too, was passionate as he spoke, and it was so great to see a man taking on that role of leader and teacher in his family. And, for the second time that day, I heard a man say that being married and having a family were the best things that had ever happened to him!
Both these men left me inspired. Not because this is something that is rare. There are billions of other dads out there who are just as loving, committed to their families, and who take their responsibility as fathers seriously. What inspired me was how willing they were to be so open and vulnerable and the pride with which they spoke of their children at a business event. I was really moved and said a prayer of thanks for my own husband who had stayed home with our kids so that I could attend the event!
Lesson #3: When a Man is Really Interested in You, He Won’t Let Anything Stand in His Way
One of the two men who was sharing about his role as a father, also shared the story of how he and his wife met and got together. (I told you – I’m a magnet for these types of stories!)
He told us how, after feeling some attraction to her, he organized a business event halfway across the country, just so that he could see her. Then, when she mentioned she’d be bringing a male friend to their first lunch, he assumed it was her boyfriend, and begged his business partner to go with him so that it wouldn’t be too awkward. She never did bring the other man to the lunch (and he ended up being just a friend), but he’d already made up a story in his head that she wasn’t interested. He shared how he felt so foolish for having thought that there would be anything between them and how he came home feeling like the trip had been a waste of time.
A few weeks later, when she was flown in to his city by her company, he told us how he felt he had to rent a car because his was so beaten up and he didn’t want her to see it. (He also told the hilarious story of how he tried to get the rental car key chain off to no avail and how he had to drive while trying to hide it!).
He took a lot of heat from his business partner for planning a business event in another city, taking someone with him on that trip, and now wanting to spend more company money on a rental car – all for a woman! But this man had a feeling. Not a guarantee. Not a solid sign from the universe. He just had a feeling that this woman was worth his efforts. And he was willing to do what he could to see if maybe there was something there for her, too.
The sweetest part of the story was when he told about the moment where he knew there was something between them. She reached out for his hand to let him smell the body lotion she was trying on her hand, and he that when she touched his hand, he felt something and he just knew. (How romantic is that!?!)
He shared how they went through the challenges of a long-distance relationship, had their ups and downs, and even broke up during the course of their relationship. But today, they are together and happily married with four children!
What was fascinating to me and my friend was how this man, who knew there were no guarantees about actually getting together with this woman was willing to do what he could to be with her. And the best part was that the woman in this love story didn’t have to do anything. She was just being herself. She didn’t have to say or do anything to get him to like her. He was attracted to her and who she was, and he figured out a way to be with her.
That’s why being your most natural, feminine self is one of the best ways to attract really great men into your life. Smile, flirt, and let who you are shine through. That’s how the man who is already looking for you will be able to recognize you so that he can walk across the room (or fly across the country) to come speak to you! That’s also why, if you are single and you haven’t already signed up for the “Meet Mr. Right-for-You” Video Training Series, I invite you to do that now! In this 3-part video series, you’ll learn more about how to meet more great men, have more fun while dating, and move past the excuses that are stopping you from having the love story your heart desires!
And, if you’re married or in a relationship, stay tuned, because your video series on how to create a love that lasts for a lifetime is coming soon! Make sure you’re subscribed to our newsletter list so that you can hear about when that series is released!
The Social Media Day Miami event was a huge success, both in and outside of the sessions! From the presenters, I left with some really great ideas on how to use social media to build my brand, reach more hearts, and make a bigger difference in the world. I was able to connect with new people and reconnect with friends I’ve grown to love (many of which our friendships began or have grown thanks to social media). And, in the hallways, I got a peek into the hearts of three men who were more than happy to share the love they have for their wives and families.
Yep! To me, that made for an incredibly successful day!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Jun 30, 2013 | HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
Did I make a mistake and marry the wrong man?
Recently I received a question from someone who was questioning whether she married the right man for her. They’d been married for a while, and, now that the honeymoon phase was over, she and her husband were beginning to notice things about one another that they didn’t like.
It’s not uncommon for couples to begin to notice things after they are married that they may not have noticed or allowed to bother them before. Sometimes, in the excitement of falling in love and planning a wedding, people are more willing to focus on the positive aspects of the person they love. Perhaps this is a practice that should continue year after year!
One of the first exercises I do when working with a woman who is complaining about her husband and the things that he does that are getting on her nerves is to have her tell me about the man she fell in love with. Regardless of how long they’ve been together or married, I ask her to rewind back to the time when they first met and tell me what it was about him that she found attractive and endearing. I ask her to describe him to me in the present tense, as if she just met him.
What’s interesting about this exercise is that, many times, the things she is now complaining about are the things that first attracted her to him. For example, if he was funny and the life of the party, she may be complaining that he doesn’t take things seriously. If he was responsible and serious, she may be complaining that he’s boring and doesn’t want to do anything exciting. If he used to treat her and buy her lots of gifts, now she’s complaining about him not managing their finances well.
Other times, she’s begun trying to get him to change some of his habits and behaviors. The problem with this is that no one appreciates being told what he/she should/shouldn’t do or hearing the message that there’s something about themselves that they need to change. Trying to correct, fix, or change our partners sends the message that the we don’t love and accept them exactly the way they are. What’s worse, it can cause the other person to begin to withdraw from the relationship – both physically and emotionally.
The reason I have the women I work with remember who they fell in love with is because that wonderful, loving man they chose to marry – the one they couldn’t imagine living the rest of their lives without – is still there. He’s just buried under a bunch of complaints and unmet expectations.
When we remind ourselves of why we chose to marry the man we love, we can bring the focus back to the reasons why he really is the right man for us and how we did make a good choice.
Does this mean that there won’t ever be things that we don’t agree with or like? No. Just because we join our lives together doesn’t mean we’re always going to see eye to eye. It doesn’t even mean that things won’t bother us from time to time. However, if we can choose to focus on the reasons why we fell in love with him, that may help us remember what a great guy he is and just how blessed we are that he chose to love us back!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Jun 29, 2013 | Communication, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Money Issues, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
My partner doesn’t understand money and spends it recklessly. I’m afraid we’re going to end up in the poorhouse. We can’t even bring the subject up because it immediately leads to a fight.
Ask anyone what one of the top reasons for divorce is, and they will probably say, “Money.” Contrary to public opinion – and even studies – I disagree. I don’t believe that money is the main reason people get divorced. It’s how people relate to one another when it comes to money that leads to the arguments, blame, and resentment that ultimately leads many couples to divorce one another.
So what are some of the factors that lead to having “money problems” inside of romantic relationships?
- Keeping “money secrets.” One of the reasons people have trouble when it comes to money and relationships is that, many times, they don’t discuss money issues prior to joining their lives, and, consequently, their finances. I’ve had clients who, because they are in a lot of debt feel as sense of shame around their situation, are afraid that it could cost them being in a relationship with someone they love. Hence, they’ll avoid bringing up the topic of finances until after marriage.
Granted, when we are getting to know someone, we always try to present ourselves in the most positive light. But, once you begin getting closer and consider spending your life with someone, it’s important to be honest about those issues that can potentially impact the other person. While it’s natural to be afraid when you’re unsure of how a person will react to learning something about you that’s not wonderful and exciting, it’s also important to have trust in a relationship and that begins with being truthful.
- Being afraid to join finances. Another common money issue I’ve seen come is the unwillingness of one or both of the people to join finances when they join their lives – and I’m not even talking about those that start our their marriages with a prenuptial agreement that protects them just in case the marriage comes to an end (which is a whole other blog post!). I’m referring to the fear of giving up “what’s mine” in order to begin to create “what’s ours.”
When I coach women in this area, I remind them that the real issue is not whether or not they actually join their finances with their husband, it’s dealing with the fear that has them belief that this is unsafe or that he will someone take advantage of or not provide for her needs. That is a much deeper issue than whether or not you go to the bank and open a joint checking or savings account. And, while this is a topic that calls for more coaching than I can do via this blog post, I will say that, once the fears are addressed, the woman begins to experience freedom around finances and to enjoy a very deep level of intimacy with her husband.
- The unwillingness to compromise. Before we get married, each of us has a certain way of doing things. We have a system for paying our bills on time, managing our checkbook, and tracking our spending (or not). When we get married, chances are that our new spouse also has his own way of doing these things and there’s a very good chance that it’s going to be different than our way. Coming to the conversation ready to prove that you’re right and he’s wrong is only going to have both of your defenses up. Here’s where the willingness to compromise and consider that maybe – just maybe – there is another way to do things. Being willing to accept that different doesn’t mean “wrong,” will go a long way toward avoiding those arguments you mentioned in your email.
Going back to your original question, you mention that your partner is spending money “recklessly.” Can you see how there is already a judgment that how he spends and manages money is “wrong”? For men, who have a natural desire to provide for and please women, this also sends the message that you don’t trust him to be responsible and care for you.
A better way to approach this may be just letting him know what you would like, instead of what you think he should do. For instance, letting him know that you’d really like to buy a home, go on vacation, or put money aside for retirement or an emergency fund will probably land a little bit better than pointing out all the ways he’s being irresponsible or reckless with money. Letting him know that you trust him could ignite his natural tendency to want to provide for and please you. At the very least there won’t be any accusations for him to defend himself against, which means it’s likely the conversation won’t turn into an argument.
Money issues can bring out the best and worst in people. However, the willingness to communicate, trust, and compromise are essential to creating both emotional and financial intimacy in a relationship!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Jun 22, 2013 | breakups, Forgiveness, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Infidelity, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Parenting, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
I dated a man for 7 years before I married him. We had, – or I should say I had – an awful experience with my stepchildren. They kept accusing me of being a gold digger, and not only am I NOT, but I watched the greedy children complain about what they were getting if I married him. We ended up running off and eloped! What a mistake.
It was only days into the marriage and they were walking in our home like they stilled lived there. Borrowing excessive money behind my back and created a wedge by only communicating with their dad and made me feel like an outsider.
To make a long story short, I filed for divorce and a restraining order after multiple abuse and disappearing acts and text messages to old girlfriends. My dilemma is I keep going back and forth about whether he really loved me and, if so, what went wrong and could it have been worked out? I can’t seem to trust anyone! I’m very skeptical of every guy I meet or date, I feel like I never got closure because of the restraining order/no contact order. However, he texted me numerous times, mailed perfume, called my therapist, and challenged boundaries over and over again. The police did nothing but slap his hand. And, as for me, I still feel like I need to tell him off or expose his lies and deceit to the world before I can move on. He betray me in every way and yet painted a picture of how much he loved me to everyone when, in fact, lied about his abuse and cheating on me. I know it takes time, but, sheez, I was made as a fool. I truly believe he’s a narcissist. How do I move on?
I can hear how much pain you feel at having that relationship turn out the way it did and how afraid you are to move forward. Having invested that much time with someone, only to have things not turn out the way you had hoped and dreamed would leave anyone feeling unsure of herself and about what to do to move on.
The first thing I thought of when I read your email was, “How were things during those 7 years of courtship?” Seven years is a very long time to wait to get married and long time for someone to not reveal his true colors.
I’m wondering if there were reasons why it took that long for a commitment to be made, beyond the issues with his children. I also wonder what your relationship with him and his children was like before you both began talking about marriage and how he responded to the way you were treated by them.
Blending a family can have its challenges, and how the couple chooses to address those challenges prior to marriage sets the foundation for what it will be like once they are married.
Did you let him know how much their behavior hurt you? Was he willing to stand up for you? Did he treat you with love and respect in front of them? How did you feel about becoming part of the family? Did you express those feelings purely to him – not telling him what he needed to do about it, but just sharing what you felt and how you would like to feel? And how did he respond to their efforts to ignore and make you feel left out?
I want to clarify that I’m not saying that any of this was your “fault.” I don’t believe that blaming or shaming ourselves serves us in any way. However, in order to truly begin to move forward, it’s important that we are willing to take responsibility for the role that we played in the relationship, looking to see where we were willing to accept things that we knew did not feel right for us, and learning those lessons so that we do not repeat the same behaviors in the future. It’s not “easy” work, to look within, rather than outside of ourselves for the things that didn’t work, but it is an essential to creating new patterns of thought and behavior.
For example, you mention that there were incidents of abuse and infidelity. Were there were signs and red flags regarding his tendencies to hurt and be unfaithful to you?
It’s been my experience in working with women that, when there has been abuse and consistent incidences of infidelity in the marriage, there were actually red flags that were ignored early in the relationship.
Was he prone to getting excessively angry? Did he ever shake or push you or put his hands on you in anger? Were there times when you felt afraid for your safety and later dismissed, excused, or rationalized his behavior and the way you felt? Did you feel emotionally and physically safe when you were with him?
Regarding the infidelity, were there disappearances prior to getting married? Would he drop out of communication for long periods of time? It sounds like you found inappropriate text messages. Did something make you look through his phone to find the text messages?
Usually, when women invest time in looking through their husbands’ or boyfriends’ phones, computers, and electronic accounts, it’s because something in their gut is sending is telling them that there is something going on. Were there signs prior to getting married that he might not be capable of being faithful to you?
Again, please understand that I’m not saying you did anything to deserve any type of unacceptable behavior on his part. It’s just important that you’re willing to see whether there was anything you might have done that sent the message that behavior that hurt, dishonored, or disrespected you was something you would tolerate or excuse.
It’s important that you recognize whether there were signs that were ignored and ways that you justified them so that you can be aware of these in the future and not allow your fears and uncertainty to keep you from being willing to open your heart to a man who will love and cherish you the way you deserve!
It’s also important to remember to have compassion with yourself. I imagine that it can’t be easy for you to have been through everything you’ve gone through. Regardless of whether or not there were signs that were ignored, the fact is that you loved him and you envisioned yourself being loved by him for the rest of your life. Seeing that dream come to an end can’t be an easy reality to deal with, and I hope that you are taking time to really bring love, forgiveness, and compassion to yourself. The truth is that, whatever decisions and choices that were made in the past, they are not predictors of what is possible for you in the future. You are deserving of love, time, attention, loyalty, and intimacy.
If you can own the role you played in your previous relationship, take the lessons from it that will serve you, and bring compassion and love to yourself, you will be on the path to moving beyond this pain and opening your heart again so that you can experience the love you deserve and your heart desires!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Jun 17, 2013 | HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance, Sex
by Gladys Diaz
I’ve been married for 4 years and have known my husband for 7 years. When we first met, everything seemed to click into place. One thing he talked about was sensuality and sexuality and said he had an extremely high libido. Well, that never showed itself and I figured since we had so many different challenges over the years, once “one thing” is taken care of, then we’d have this blissful sex he used to talk about. Seven years later and I’ve given up hope.
I’ve been wanting sex, but he never does and never did. I’ve tried to look pretty myself in so many ways, be the perfect loving wife, tried to be patient as he sorted through life’s challenges. We average the sex act 3 or 4 times a year. It’s never pleasurable for me, but it’s something. He doesn’t know how to please me, though I’ve gently tried to encourage him. We’ve been to couples counseling and basically they feel he’s lazy and didn’t have any upbringing on lovemaking and relationships. Though he talked the talk, that was it.
We went to his primary care doctor to see if he had any medical issues to attribute to this. Nothing. He does have restless leg syndrome and Attention Deficit Disorder. He recently was diagnosed with depression and is on medication. The meds made him a new person for the better, except, the lack of sex and intimacy is the same.
He spoke so sweet to me at first, as if I was his world 7 yrs ago but shortly after, became part of the furniture or his roommate or UFC buddy. I get judged by people saying why am I with him. Well, he said he loves me and he doesn’t know why he’s like that. I tell myself and others who judge me that if I was that person who had the issue, I wouldn’t want someone to give up on me. Then, I’m regarded as a fool, my friends and family disappear and treat me as if I’m a clown.
I can hear your frustration and can imagine there is some sadness mixed in with the hopelessness you’re feeling. Sexual intimacy is such an important part of marriage, and, when it’s missing, it can lead to frustration and resentment.
While you say you’ve given up hope, I also hear that you are not ready to give up on him or your relationship. This is a testament to the love you feel for him and makes me think that there are other things about your husband that you love. Those are probably the same qualities that had you fall in love with and choose to marry him.
I’m wondering whether you and your husband practice other forms of intimacy besides intercourse. Is there any hand-holding, kissing, or hugging? Do you stimulate and please one another in other ways? Are you open to using toys and other stimulants in the bedroom? Sometimes, when the focus is not on the act of intercourse and there is play involved, it can make it easier for both partners to relax, explore, and discover new ways to please each other.
The fact that your husband has been willing to go to medical doctors and couples’ counseling is a testament to the fact that he knows you’re unhappy and he wants to try to make things better. Listening to counselors tell him that he’s lazy and doesn’t know how to make love or be in a relationship can’t be easy to hear. If he also hears from you how unhappy you are, how he’s not meeting your expectations and how he needs to figure out what is wrong, it could be adding to his inability to initiate or perform.
I’m wondering if you’d be willing to not mention the fact that he never wants to have sex for a while. The pressure of knowing that this is an aspect of your relationship that you are not happy about and in which he seems to be unable to please you could make it even more difficult for him to initiate. If some of the pressure was off, it’s possible that he might feel more relaxed, confident, and willing to initiate. I know it’s probably easier said than done, but, given how much our men want to please and see us happy, I believe that, if given some space without sex feeling like an obligation he’s not meeting may make it easier for him to make the first move.
In the meantime, I recommend that you take good care of yourself. This means making sure that you are doing things for yourself that make you feel good. It’s important that you are caring for your emotional, physical, and spiritual, as well as your sexual needs by doing something every day for the pure and simple pleasure of it.
Self-care doesn’t have to be expensive or time-consuming. It can be anything that you enjoy doing – reading, exercising, going for a walk, spending time with your girlfriends (the ones who are supportive of you trying to save your marriage, not the ones who you mention are judging you and your husband). It can be lighting a candle while you take a long bath, listening to your favorite music, engaging in a hobby – basically anything that you enjoy and brings you pleasure. And, yes, it can mean pleasuring yourself sexually, if that is what you feel you need.
Practicing self-care not only helps us take responsibility for our own happiness, but it also helps us have more peace and patience than when we’re feeling exhausted, anxious, and depleted of energy and joy. We are much better able to be loving, understanding, and patient with our spouses when we’ve replenished ourselves and are not depending on them to make us happy. And a woman who is peaceful, smiling, and appreciative is also very attractive! You’ll be feeling and looking good, both inside and out!
I’m not saying that this will solve all of your issues, or that your husband will all of a sudden begin initiating sex. However, focusing on other forms of intimacy, refraining from complaining about or bringing up the lack of sex, and practicing good self-care can help create a space where the opportunity to have sex doesn’t feel like an obligation for either one of you, and where you will feel better able to deal with the situation, while, at the same time, creating opportunities to connect with your husband in different ways.
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Jun 16, 2013 | Forgiveness, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
What do you do if you realize you married someone whose life vision is very different from yours and that causes great stress? I am focused on getting a business in place, having a home that I am proud of, family is very important to me. For my husband, the way the house looks isn’t important, family is a bother, and he is struggling in his business. There is very little support for my priorities.
It sounds to me as if you and your husband may simply in two different places at the moment. There are things that you feel are priorities, and he may have different priorities. However, consider different does not mean either set of priorities is right or wrong, good or bad. They are simply different.
I hear that you are frustrated and feeling stressed out. Many times, the frustration we feel is not due to the actual circumstances we are experiencing with our spouse or partner. Instead, the stress is coming from wanting him to feel the same way we do. We expend an enormous amount of time and energy trying to convince him that he’s wrong, that he should change his mind, and, basically, that he should agree and want to do things our way.
I’m like you. I like to have my home tidy, clean, and presentable. For years my husband and I argued about the state of the kitchen counter. At that time, he didn’t have an office in our home, and his space was the counter around our kitchen island. It would be full of mail, his electronics, his watches, and what felt to me like everything else he owned. I asked him repeatedly to please clean off the counter. I explained how much it upset me. I tried tidying up the counter myself (resentfully). I complained, criticized, and nagged him about it. Nothing worked. Most of the time he ignored me and would leave the mess until 5 minutes before company arrived, or until I cleaned it off myself.
Finally, one day, after I’d cleaned up the kitchen and living room areas (everything except the counter), I said, “I love it when the house is tidy and all the surfaces are clear. It makes me feel so peaceful. He didn’t say or do anything then, but we had company coming over the next day, and I vowed I wasn’t going to argue about the counter again. It just wasn’t worth it.
The next day I came downstairs about an hour before the company was set to arrive, and I noticed that the counter was completely cleared off. I smiled and said, “Thank you for cleaning off the counter, honey!” He said, “You’re welcome,” and nothing else. After everyone left and I was cleaning up the kitchen, I noticed he was helping to clean up the living room, so I thanked him for all of his help that day. A little while later he asked me, “Want to know why I cleared off the counter?” I said, “Yes. Why?” He said, “Because you didn’t nag me about it and I knew it would make you happy.” And he was right! It did.
That was about four years ago, and I haven’t had to mention the counters again! Every once in a while it gets a little messy, but once a week, he goes through the mail and gets the counter looking neat again. I’m so grateful for both the effort he makes to please me and the peace in my home!
I also used to nag my husband about spending too much time on the computer or playing video games. I used to tell him he should get a better job or ask for a raise. And I’d remind him constantly about the things he said he’d do that he hadn’t done yet.
I thought I was just telling him what I felt was important. I thought I was just sharing my thoughts and feelings with him. And, many times, I thought that, if he really loved me, and if he was really the right guy for me, he would do these things without me having to tell him.
What I didn’t realize was that all of the complaining, criticizing, and correcting was actually causing the opposite of what I wanted to happen. See, when all we do is tell our husbands what they are doing wrong or not “right enough,” all they can hear is that they are “wrong” and that they need to be “fixed” or “changed.” And, quite frankly, they don’t like being told what they should do any more than we do!
There isn’t a man on this planet who will tell you that he’s been inspired to change or do anything differently by his wife or girlfriend’s nagging. In fact, the more we nag about something, the more we can expect that behavior to stay in place.
So, what can we do to get more help, more time, and more support? Simply express your desires. Expressing your desires is about telling him what you want or don’t want, but not what you want him to do or not do.
So, rather than saying, “I want you to put the dirty clothes in the hamper, instead of leaving it on the floor,” ask yourself what it is that you want. Focus on the end result. If you think about it, what you really want is a neat room, so just say, “I want the room to look neat.”
Instead of complaining and saying, “You never take me out dancing anymore,” say, “I’d like to go dancing.”
Instead of complaining that he never helps around the house, say, “I want to make meatloaf, but I don’t want to wash the dishes.”
Instead of telling him, “You should spend more time with me and the kids,” tell him, “I’d like to spend time with you” or, even better, “I miss spending time with you.”
In each of these examples, you are focusing on what you want, not on what you want him to do. This presents him with an invitation, instead of an obligation. And, when we let our men know what we want, purely, with no expectations or criticisms, that’s what inspires them. They just want to please us!
I know it sounds too simple. I know, because I often feared that just saying what I wanted wouldn’t be enough. I felt I might need to give him the reasons and explain why I wanted what I wanted. But I’ve found that the more purely I express what I want, the better!
So, I invite you try it. Instead of telling your husband all of the things he’s not doing to support you, just tell him what would please you. Start the sentence with “I want…” or “I’d like,” and remember to focus on the end result, instead of what you think he should do.
And, of course, when he does something that pleases you and helps fulfill your desires, thank him. Let him know that you noticed and that you appreciate it. When he knows that he’s pleased you and that he’s also appreciated, that will ignite within him the desire to continue wanting to please you. At the same time, you’ll be creating a wonderful dynamic of respect, generosity, and gratitude and bringing peace and tenderness back into your marriage!
Please let me know how it goes!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
