Last week, my husband and I had a conversation we’d been avoiding for years. It was something we knew we had to do. We’d talked about having the conversation, mentioned it to others, and, still, months and years went by without us having it. Why?
We were afraid of what it would mean – for us and for our family.
The conversation I’m referring to wasn’t a conversation we needed to have with one another. It was the conversation to let our older son know that he has Asperger’s Syndrome – a mild form of Autism.
We found out that our son had Autism during the summer before he begin first grade. The truth, however, is that I’d had my suspicions since the time that he was about 2 years old. There were signs that he wasn’t connecting with others, he had obsessive patterns of behavior, and changes in his schedule were very difficult for him to handle.
I even had a “secret” folder on my computer where I had been gathering research about Asperger’s Syndrome. No one knew about my suspicions, except me. For years, I carried this feeling with me, but was too afraid of what it might mean if my suspicions were confirmed.
The decision to not tell my son about his diagnosis was one that my husband and I made together. We went back and forth about the pros and cons of letting him know, considered what it would mean to him, how he might react. We were afraid of saying something that might set him off, make him feel like there was something “wrong” with him, or that he might use his diagnosis as an excuse, rather than the reason for trying harder. At the same time, we wondered if not telling him would cause just as many issues for him, with him never knowing why he felt and was sometimes treated as if he were “different.”
I can’t tell you how many times I envisioned us having this conversation with him. In each scenario, I would hear my son asking a million questions (something he does anyway), questioning who he is, why there was something “wrong” with him, how it could be cured (there is no cure for autism), and why this had to happen to him. I pictured him crying, storming out of the room, or throwing a tantrum.
The fear of what I imagined his reaction would be is one of the things that kept me delaying having the conversation. I couldn’t imagine having to have to comfort my son, answer questions I didn’t have the answers to, and explain something that, quite honestly, I understand very little about myself.
We finally decided to stop avoiding having the conversation. He’s about to go to middle school, and we want him to be able to speak up for himself if he needs help. We planned what we would tell him and decided to keep it as simple as possible, allowing him to ask questions if he wanted more information.
Last week, we sent our little one upstairs and let him know we needed to talk with him. I was sweating, cold, and trying not to cry, all at the same time. I looked at my husband. We gave each other the look that said, “We’re in this together,” and we told him in the most simple and matter-of-fact way about his diagnosis, what it meant, what it didn’t mean, and why it was important that he know about it now that he’s getting older.
He asked us some questions like, “Is this why I feel left out a lot of the time?” (that was a hard one to hear), “Is this why I’m really good at math?” (an easier one to hear), “Is this why I have trouble with my short-term memory?”
Then he asked me if I had Asperger’s, too. I told him I didn’t but that dad had learned that he might have it, and that seemed to make him feel better. Then, out of nowhere, he asked if Albert Einstein had Asperger’s. I smiled and said that, a matter of fact, doctors now believe that he did (this made him feel a lot better).
When we asked him how he felt about knowing that he had Asperger’s Syndrome, he said, something I had never imagined in any of my worst-case-scenarios.
He said smiled and said, “It feels good knowing that there is something unique about me!”
In that moment, all of my imagined fears fell away. All of the doubts I’d had about whether or not telling him was a good idea, disappeared. And I had to smile to hide back the tears.
I spent years ignoring the fact that I suspected my son had Asperger’s because I was afraid of what others would say and how they’d treat him. I was afraid of what it might mean for him and his life. But avoiding the issue didn’t make the Asperger’s go away.
I spent years avoiding telling my son about his diagnosis because I was afraid of how he might react, that it might be “devastating” for him, and that I wouldn’t know how to help him through understanding and dealing with it. But, eventually, we had to have the conversation, anyway.
I spent years carrying all of that unnecessary fear, emotional stress, and useless worrying.
And, in the end, he just felt special!
So, how does this relate to you and your relationship?
Is there something in your relationship that you’re not dealing with?
Are there signs that the intimacy in your relationship is fading?
Are you arguing more than you need to?
Are you not connecting the way that you used to?
Are you pretending that the problems aren’t there?
Is there a conversation you’ve been avoiding having?
Are you afraid of what he might say or not say?
Are you imagining a worst-case scenario in your head that is keeping you from having a discussion that might actually help turn things around?
Pretending that the problems are not there doesn’t mean the problems aren’t there, nor is it helping to solve them.
Avoiding having the conversation because you are afraid of how he might react or what might happen as a result isn’t solving anything either. It’s just delaying the inevitable, and could actually be making things worse because of your unwillingness to deal with reality.
I know it’s going to take courage to see what you may have been unwilling to see and to say what you’ve been afraid to say.
Consider that what you are imagining may be ten times worse than what actually ends up happening.
And consider that having the courage to confront reality and deal with what there is to deal with now may save you years of dealing with unnecessary worry, fear, and heartache.
If you need support with having a difficult conversation, contact us.
We can help you gather your thoughts and communicate them in a way that will help you say what needs to be said and empower you to begin turning things around in your relationship.
You don’t have to avoid things or pretend any longer, and you don’t have to face it alone!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below, we love hearing from you!
Last week, I wrote about an interview Michelle and I did with Tonya Scholz and Dean Bairaktaris of Social Chats Radio on how men and women communicate differently and why it’s important to both understand and accept those differences in our relationships. I promised to share the actual interview with you, and here it is!
During this interview, you’ll hear us talk about the different ways in which men and women speak and listen to one another. We also share a lot of tips on how you can speak so that he’ll actually hear you! Michelle and I were also happy to hear what a difference these suggestions have made for Tonya and her relationships.
We hope you’ll enjoy listening to the interview, and would like for you to leave comments at the end of the blog post with any questions or comments you may have about the topic! This way, we can address them in future blog posts!
Here’s to having great communication that leads to happy, peaceful and intimate relationships!
P.S. If you listen closely, you’re also going to get an inside scoop about us that hasn’t been announced yet! If you hear what it is, post it in the comments and tell us what you think!
Special thanks to Tonya Scholz (@knowaging) of @SocialChatsSF for being such a great supporter of @HeartsDesireInt!
This afternoon, Michelle and I had an opportunity to join our friend and host of Social Chats, Tonya Scholz and her co-host, Dean Bairaktaris to discuss why and how men and women communicate differently and how understanding these differences can make or break a relationship.
It was an interesting topic, to say the least!
The truth is that good communication is at the heart of making a relationship work. But “good communication” isn’t just about you saying what you want the other person to hear. It involves understanding how to say what it is you want to say so that the other person can understand what is being said. It’s also about understanding and accepting that there are differences in the way that men and women speak, hear, process, and use the information being delivered and received.
If we can begin to understand these differences, and accept them as not as “right” or “wrong,” “better” or “worse,” but simply as different, we are on our way to improving and bring peace to all of our relationships – our romantic relationships, the relationship we have with our family and friends, those with our co-workers, and, yes, even the relationship between countries!
Below are some of the main differences we spoke about on the show.
Women tend to speak a lot more than men do,
The fact is that most women tend to speak more – a lot more – than men do. For example, research shows that, while most women tend to speak about 20,000 words a day, most men speak about 10,000 words in a day. That means that there is a 50% difference between the amount of talking that is being done between men and women.
This is why, while women tend to want to include what we feel are “important details” when telling a story or relaying information, men tend to want us to just “get to the point.” It’s also why you’ll begin to see that “glazed” look come across a man’s face when there are simply too many words being said. It’s not that he doesn’t care or doesn’t want to listen. It’s just that there’s so much coming at him at once, it’s difficult to figure out what it is you are really trying to say.
If, as women, we can understand this, then we can begin to get clear about what it is we want to say so that he can actually hear it!
Women’s and men’s brains process emotional information differently.
While men’s brains tend to process better in the left hemisphere – which is more logical and factual, women tend to process equally between both hemispheres. There are actually more areas of the woman’s brains that connect their ability to feel, process, and speak about their feelings, then in the man’s brain. This is why, if a woman is communicating very emotionally, she may have the experience that the man “doesn’t care,” because he isn’t saying anything right away. It possible that what he’s doing is processing the information coming at him. He’s actually having to “sift” through all of the emotions coming at him, coupled with the tone of voice, volume level, tears (if there are any), the intensity with which the actual words are being delivered.
If, as women, we can understand this, then we can begin to be responsible forthe manner in which we are communicating, and choose to wait until we can do so in a calm and rationale manner so that (1) he can actually hear what we’re saying, and (2) so that the processing time can be shorter.
Women tend to want to talk about several things at once, while men are more single-focused
There are two difference that fall under this category.
Men are single-focused individuals. While a woman can talk about what happened during the day, the fact that she’s worried about her friend’s surgery, and the argument that she had with a co-worker, men tend to be single-minded. That means that they will communicate better if there is one topic being addressed at a time.
By the way, ladies, this is also why he’s not listening when you’re talking to him during the game! It’s not that he doesn’t care, it’s that he’s focused on something else. It’s not personal, so don’t take it personally!
Men prefer transition time. If a man has been dealing with something at work, working on a project, or doing something that takes a lot of his attention and energy and you want to have a conversation with him, it’s probably a good idea to give him some transition time, or, what I refer to as “time to decompress.”
Allowing some time for his attention and energy to transition from one activity or topic to the other means that, when you do finally get to communicate with him, the conversation is probably going to go a lot better than if you approach him with a machine gun of questions, topics, and decisions that need to be made right away.
If, as women, we can understand and accept this difference, then we can allow time to pass so that when we finally do have the conversation we’d like to have with him, he can be present, attentive, and responsive to what we are saying.
The most important thing to keep in mind is that the communication styles between men and women are “different,” does not mean that one is better or worse than the other.
If we can bring both understanding and acceptance to these differences, we’ll not only be able to improve the level and type of communication we have in our relationships, but we’ll also experience more peace, happiness, and intimacy as a result!
Feel free to contact usif you’d like more information on how you can learn learn how to communicate more effectively with members of the opposite sex!
We’ll be sharing the actual interview in our next article!
For more information on Social Chats, visit: http://socialchats.net/
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
A few weeks ago, Michelle and I hosted a Live Group Coaching Call, where we had the opportunity to coach some of the women in our community on what has been stopping them from attracting love into their lives.
Each woman had a unique story and each demonstrated courage and vulnerability as she opened up her heart and allowed Michelle and I to guide her through taking a look within to identify something that was hidden in her blind spot that was causing her to repeat patterns that were blocking love from entering into her life.
In today’s Coaching Clip we’d like to share one of those coaching sessions with you, so that you can experience what it’s like to have a real breakthrough.
As you listen to the coaching session, we invite you to take the coaching in and make it apply to what you are experiencing in your own life.
What are you hiding from in relationships?
Who are you pretending to be in your relationships?
What is it you don’t want your date, lover, or husband to see?
What are you afraid will happen if he discovers who you really are – behind the mask?
What patterns have you been repeating in your relationships?
And what do you think is standing in the way of you breaking free from past fears, patterns, and beliefs so that you can experience the love you dream of?
Click below to listen to our coaching session with Vivi and how she was about to clearly see what had been standing in the way of her experiencing the kind of relationships her heart desires.
There will be a Group Coaching Call at the end of each training session so that we can help guide you through your own inner journey and identify the fears, doubts, and limiting beliefs that are stopping you from experiencing the love you desire.
Last week, I had the honor of sitting on a panel at The Zone Event, which was hosted by my business coach, Shanda Sumpter. She invited me to share my story of how my relationship coaching practice has allowed me to work with and help women all over globe to attract, create, and nurture the relationship of their dreams!
For me, this moment itself was a dream come true!
As I prepared to share my story, I remembered all of the times when I questioned myself, when I wondered if I was on the right path, and whether I could really make the difference I feel I am called to make on this earth.
I remembered not knowing what to do, where to begin, and how to deal with mistakes I made.
I remembered all of the times that my coach was there to help me see what was stopping me from moving forward, push me past my comfort zone, and encourage me to keep moving forward, reminding me that my dream of helping women make their dreams come true was bigger than any fear, obstacle, or disappointment I might be facing.
And I thought about you.
What is it that you wonder about?
Do you question your ability to attract and create the relationship you’ve always dreamed of?
Do you wonder whether there is something “wrong” with you, because you keep having the same results in your relationships?
Are you afraid that there’s no hope for you or your relationship?
What’s important for you to know is that you are not alone in having these fears. You are like every other woman has ever wondered about whether she will ever really have the love and happiness her heart longs for.
So, what can you do to overcome your fears so that you can go after the desires of your heart?
Get clear about what you want.
It’s important that you be crystal-clear about what it is you want to experience in your relationship. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself settling for something less than that. Ask yourself:
How do I want my relationship to be?
What is the experience I want to have as I am in that relationship?
How will I know that I know that I am in the relationship of my dreams?
Identify what is stopping you from having what you want.
Behind the fears and doubts are some deep-seeded beliefs you have about yourself, men, and relationships. Until you identify what those beliefs are what it is that has been having you repeat patterns in dating and/or your relationship, it really won’t matter who you are with. The same thoughts and behaviors will come up, even when you are with the right man. Until they are uncovered, they remain hidden, and they will continue to impact what you do and who you choose to be when you are in a relationship with a man.
Be committed to moving past your blocks and toward your dreams.
It takes courage to admit what your heart desires and to move past your fears and doubts. It may be that right now you’re not sure about what to do or where to begin. So much of what stops us is in our blind spot, making it difficult to even know what is creating the block.
If you can be 100% honest with yourself and recognize that what you have been doing up to this point has not worked and you’re tired of having the same heart-breaking experiences, then perhaps you’re ready for a change!
If you’re reading this post, and you’re ready to begin working with someone who will help you create the results you want in your love life, trust that you are exactly where you need to be!
If you’re single, you still have a few more days before we close registration for the Ready to Love Again 6-Week Course. Let’s schedule time to get on the phone, talk about any questions you may have about the program, and get you registered right away so that we can send you the recording of Session 1 and you can join us for Saturday’s group coaching call!
If you’re in a relationship and you’re wondering how to restore the happiness, romance, and intimacy you once shared with the man you love, then let’s schedule time on the phone and get you started on the path toward transforming your relationship to one that exceeds your wildest dreams!
You can have everything your heart desires. It just takes courage, faith, inspired action, and the guidance of someone who is standing for you to do what it takes to make your dreams come true!
Contact us and let’s talk about how we can be that “someone” for you!
Questions? Comments? We’d love hearing from you! Let us know below!
It’s really heartbreaking to us when we meet women who seem to be okay with putting their happiness to the side, especially when it comes to being in a happy, loving relationship. We don’t know if you are one of them, but, in case you are, we hope you’ll understand that we are taking a stand for you right now!
And you may not like what I’m about to say, but that’s okay!
http://www.heartsdesireintl.com/ReadytoLoveAgain
If you have been complaining about your love life, crying to your friends and family about how unfair it is that you’re still not married, that your ex is moving on with his life, and that you can’t seem to meet someone to whom you feel attracted and connected, and you still haven’t signed up for the “Ready to Love Again” 6-Week Course, only one question remains:
How much longer will you put off love?
Here’s the thing:
We know you didn’t want your heart broken. We know that you didn’t plan on having things turn out the way they did. We know that if you would have known better, you would have avoided the heartache from the start.
We also know that if you knew how to make changes on your own, you would. We know that you simply would not continue making the same mistakes that have kept you feeling sad, lonely, and like maybe there really isn’t any hope for you when it comes to being happy and loved inside of a relationship if you could help it.
This is why we have created this program.
The “Ready to Love Again” 6-Week Course was designed specifically to help you identify what has been stopping you from moving forward in your love life. In this program, you will identify and dismantle the fears, limiting beliefs, and patterns that you have been repeating over and over again so that you can create new and empowering thoughts and behaviors that will lead you to experiencing the love you want.
But you have to be willing to get out of your own way.
You have to be prepared to stop the self-sabotaging behaviors.
You have to be ready to allow love into your heart.
We’re here to help.
There is still time to register so that you can join us tomorrow< Wednesday, March 12th at 9:00pm ET for the first session.
There’s still time to get your questions answered and to move beyond the reasons, the excuses, and all of the limiting and disempowering thoughts that keep making you believe that this course won’t work for you. It WILL work for youif you allow it to, if you’re willing to do the work, and if you let us guide you through the process of preparing yourself to welcome love – real, reciprocated, and extraordinary love – into your life.
If you have questions, stop hiding out, blending into the background, and pretending like what you want isn’t important, because it is! Just email us and let us know what questions you need answered so that we can get you registered into the course and into our online community right away!
Be bold. Be courageous. And be there tomorrow for Session 1!
We love you and can’t wait to begin this journey with you!
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