by heartsdesireintl | Jun 22, 2013 | breakups, Forgiveness, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Infidelity, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Parenting, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
I dated a man for 7 years before I married him. We had, – or I should say I had – an awful experience with my stepchildren. They kept accusing me of being a gold digger, and not only am I NOT, but I watched the greedy children complain about what they were getting if I married him. We ended up running off and eloped! What a mistake.
It was only days into the marriage and they were walking in our home like they stilled lived there. Borrowing excessive money behind my back and created a wedge by only communicating with their dad and made me feel like an outsider.
To make a long story short, I filed for divorce and a restraining order after multiple abuse and disappearing acts and text messages to old girlfriends. My dilemma is I keep going back and forth about whether he really loved me and, if so, what went wrong and could it have been worked out? I can’t seem to trust anyone! I’m very skeptical of every guy I meet or date, I feel like I never got closure because of the restraining order/no contact order. However, he texted me numerous times, mailed perfume, called my therapist, and challenged boundaries over and over again. The police did nothing but slap his hand. And, as for me, I still feel like I need to tell him off or expose his lies and deceit to the world before I can move on. He betray me in every way and yet painted a picture of how much he loved me to everyone when, in fact, lied about his abuse and cheating on me. I know it takes time, but, sheez, I was made as a fool. I truly believe he’s a narcissist. How do I move on?
I can hear how much pain you feel at having that relationship turn out the way it did and how afraid you are to move forward. Having invested that much time with someone, only to have things not turn out the way you had hoped and dreamed would leave anyone feeling unsure of herself and about what to do to move on.
The first thing I thought of when I read your email was, “How were things during those 7 years of courtship?” Seven years is a very long time to wait to get married and long time for someone to not reveal his true colors.
I’m wondering if there were reasons why it took that long for a commitment to be made, beyond the issues with his children. I also wonder what your relationship with him and his children was like before you both began talking about marriage and how he responded to the way you were treated by them.
Blending a family can have its challenges, and how the couple chooses to address those challenges prior to marriage sets the foundation for what it will be like once they are married.
Did you let him know how much their behavior hurt you? Was he willing to stand up for you? Did he treat you with love and respect in front of them? How did you feel about becoming part of the family? Did you express those feelings purely to him – not telling him what he needed to do about it, but just sharing what you felt and how you would like to feel? And how did he respond to their efforts to ignore and make you feel left out?
I want to clarify that I’m not saying that any of this was your “fault.” I don’t believe that blaming or shaming ourselves serves us in any way. However, in order to truly begin to move forward, it’s important that we are willing to take responsibility for the role that we played in the relationship, looking to see where we were willing to accept things that we knew did not feel right for us, and learning those lessons so that we do not repeat the same behaviors in the future. It’s not “easy” work, to look within, rather than outside of ourselves for the things that didn’t work, but it is an essential to creating new patterns of thought and behavior.
For example, you mention that there were incidents of abuse and infidelity. Were there were signs and red flags regarding his tendencies to hurt and be unfaithful to you?
It’s been my experience in working with women that, when there has been abuse and consistent incidences of infidelity in the marriage, there were actually red flags that were ignored early in the relationship.
Was he prone to getting excessively angry? Did he ever shake or push you or put his hands on you in anger? Were there times when you felt afraid for your safety and later dismissed, excused, or rationalized his behavior and the way you felt? Did you feel emotionally and physically safe when you were with him?
Regarding the infidelity, were there disappearances prior to getting married? Would he drop out of communication for long periods of time? It sounds like you found inappropriate text messages. Did something make you look through his phone to find the text messages?
Usually, when women invest time in looking through their husbands’ or boyfriends’ phones, computers, and electronic accounts, it’s because something in their gut is sending is telling them that there is something going on. Were there signs prior to getting married that he might not be capable of being faithful to you?
Again, please understand that I’m not saying you did anything to deserve any type of unacceptable behavior on his part. It’s just important that you’re willing to see whether there was anything you might have done that sent the message that behavior that hurt, dishonored, or disrespected you was something you would tolerate or excuse.
It’s important that you recognize whether there were signs that were ignored and ways that you justified them so that you can be aware of these in the future and not allow your fears and uncertainty to keep you from being willing to open your heart to a man who will love and cherish you the way you deserve!
It’s also important to remember to have compassion with yourself. I imagine that it can’t be easy for you to have been through everything you’ve gone through. Regardless of whether or not there were signs that were ignored, the fact is that you loved him and you envisioned yourself being loved by him for the rest of your life. Seeing that dream come to an end can’t be an easy reality to deal with, and I hope that you are taking time to really bring love, forgiveness, and compassion to yourself. The truth is that, whatever decisions and choices that were made in the past, they are not predictors of what is possible for you in the future. You are deserving of love, time, attention, loyalty, and intimacy.
If you can own the role you played in your previous relationship, take the lessons from it that will serve you, and bring compassion and love to yourself, you will be on the path to moving beyond this pain and opening your heart again so that you can experience the love you deserve and your heart desires!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 21, 2013 | Dating, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Love, Relationship Advice, Romance, Sex
by Gladys Diaz
Gladys – How can I raise my self-esteem and so my future relationships are healthier and my standards are higher? I tend to start relationships and fall in love/care/get attached so quickly (although I hate to admit that) and it doesn’t matter whether the man is an appropriate mate or not. Most times I even know that he isn’t right or appropriate and think it’s ok because it’s just a “fling.” But, I always end up feeling very empty and rejected because it doesn’t pan out.
I would like to be brave enough to have high standards and also raise my self-esteem so all my relationships in life are improved upon. People don’t understand why I am single (I’m good looking, smart, nice, etc.), but I am weak when it comes to men and can let people take advantage because I am a pleaser. Any suggestions?
Becoming too attached to a man is not very uncommon when it comes to dating, particularly if we feel very attracted to him. Many times, that initial attraction or “chemistry” can lead us to want to make something that is just “a fling” or just “a date” into a relationship. Trying to force something to be what it is not can be exhausting and disappointing in the end.
There are several things that you can do to help raise your self-esteem and begin to create more healthy and fulfilling relationships:
- Be clear about what you want to experience in a relationship. Too often, women are so focused on simply being in a relationship that they forget about what they really want to experience in one. They focus on who or what the man needs to be like – the criteria he must meet physically, financially, and educationally – that, when they find a man who meets that checklist, they’ll do everything they can to try to make him “The One.” Rather than focusing on him and what he needs to do or be, focus on what you want to experience – how you want to feel when you’re in a relationship. When you focus on making the experience your priority, it will be crystal-clear to you when it’s time to walk away from a man that is not helping you create that experience.
- Avoid getting physically intimate before there is a commitment. This is especially important if what you desire is something more than just a fling. When you rush into sleeping with someone before you’re sure that he’s someone with whom you’d like to have that type of emotional and physical bond, you always risk getting hurt. Once those hormones kick in before, during, and after having sex, a bond is created and it’s almost impossible to see things clearly and as they actually are, rather than how we wish they would or could be. This bond will have you stay with a man much longer than you would if you had waited to see if he was someone in whom you felt safe and comfortable making that type of physical and emotional investment.
- Put your happiness first. No one is going to love you more than you love yourself. It’s important that you make yourself a priority even once you are in a relationship. This means that you take responsibility for your own happiness, rather than expecting a man to make you happy. It means that you are clear about what you want and deserve – which is to love and be loved fully and completely – so that you don’t settle for less. Stop referring to yourself as “weak” when it comes to men and remind yourself that you are fully at choice regarding what happens when it comes to men and relationship. You get to choose who to go out with. You get to choose how you allow yourself to be treated. And you get to make choices that honor what you want to experience in a relationship. No one can take advantage of you without you allowing it. So, remember that it’s okay to say that something doesn’t work for you and to move on if the other person isn’t willing to honor that.
We have a lot more power than we give ourselves credit for when it comes to dating and relationships. Take some time to look within yourself and see what it is that you want to experience in a relationship, what you are willing or not willing to compromise on regarding that experience, and begin putting yourself and your happiness first. That will boost your confidence and you will begin to attract men to you who are willing and ready to honor and create that experience with you!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 20, 2013 | Dating, Forgiveness, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Love, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
As a health coach myself, I don’t seem to be able to break the fear of never being truly cherished, like all women want to be. I can effectively coach others in health and spiritual issues, but I have a difficult time trusting myself in the romantic love area. This has especially been the case since a relationship that was going strong fizzled within a couple days. I thought I was practicing the surrendered single philosophy with this man, to no avail.
Thanks for being so vulnerable in asking your question. The fact that you are a coach and able to get people to being taking steps to create healthier lives probably makes it easier for you to understand that a lot of what stops us from having what we really want in our lives is fear. And, 99 percent of the time, the things we fear are not real. Many times, they are based on our past and on what we have already experienced, and we tend to project those experiences into our future.
The truth is that you are already love-able – able to love and be loved. If you can distinguish what it is that you are actually afraid of, then you can see it for what it is – nothing but a thought – and you can choose to either honor it or not honor it.
So, what is it that you are afraid of? You mention that you’re afraid of never truly being cherished. The first question I’d like you to ask yourself is whether there is something about yourself that you have not yet brought love, forgiveness and acceptance to. You know, as a health coach, that not bringing love, forgiveness, or acceptance to parts of our bodies can cause us to make choices that actually harm our bodies, even if we say that we want to be healthy. So, is there something about yourself – physically or emotionally – that you’ve not yet embraced or accepted? Is it something you’re afraid that the man you are with will see or discover and not accept? If so, are you willing to bring love and acceptance to that part of you now so that you can begin to invite love into your life?
You also mention that you don’t trust yourself when it comes to love and romance. The first thing this made me think of is whether you made a choice in the past that you now regret. Many times, when we think that we haven’t made very good choices when it comes to relationships, it’s because we weren’t willing to listen to and trust our intuition in a previous relationship. Perhaps we ignored the red flags that were letting us know that the guy wasn’t someone who we could trust. Perhaps we didn’t want to listen if he said that he wasn’t interested in being in a committed relationship, and we kept holding on, in hopes that he would change his mind. Or perhaps we continue to attract men who are not available or unwilling to commit or be faithful.
Regardless of the choices you made in the past, it’s important that you, again, forgive yourself and not make yourself wrong or beat yourself up for having made those choices. Forgive yourself, take the lessons that you learned from those experiences, and remember them as you move toward inviting new love into your life.
You mentioned a relationship that fizzled after a few days. I’m wondering whether this was someone with whom you were in an actual committed relationship, or someone who you were just dating. Regardless of the answer, if it fizzled that quickly, chances are that he wasn’t the right guy for you, so it’s better that you learned that early on. I know it doesn’t minimize the pain you may feel now, but it’s better than having invested months, or even years, in a relationship that was not going to result in a lifetime love. So, again, take the lessons you learned, be grateful for them, and be courageous enough to open your heart to the possibility of inviting someone new into your life. And continue practicing the surrendered singles principles to attract to yourself the man who is right for you!
Bottom line: You were created to love and be loved. Don’t buy into the story that you’re not meant to experience that. If there is a fear or doubt in the way, you know the power of coaching, so work with a coach to get those fears distinguished, dismantled, and out of the way so that you can begin to enjoy the experience of being in the relationship your heart desires!
Questions? Comment? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 19, 2013 | Dating, Heart's Desire International, Love, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
To see the Part 1 of this question and my response, go to yesterday’s post, “Your Thoughts Affect How You Experience Relationships.”
Dear Gladys,
Thanks for answering my question. I should have been clearer on what I meant by Masculine and Feminine. I don’t even think they are the right terms to use, but they do seem more like the negative, unhealthy sides of masculine and feminine energies, without the positive sides.
The “Feminine” men are the ones who are weak and indecisive, but also manipulative. They tend to have emotional problems, talk about their feelings endlessly (and I really mean endlessly, to the point where I dread seeing them because I know that’s all we’ll talk about, and if I ask if we can talk about something else, I’ll be accused of being cold and uncaring) but refuse professional help and want me to take care of them instead. They are very needy and clingy. They usually try to guilt and pressure me into a relationship with them and if that doesn’t work, they’ll recruit other people to pile on the pressure. They have very strong victim mentalities and are convinced that no-one understands them, everyone is mean to them and they usually identify “mean” as anyone who didn’t want to take responsibility for them. I find myself walking on eggshells around them, in case anything I say leads them to having some kind of freak out (I once had to pull over the car I was driving because the guy suddenly started freaking out about how he should never have to feel uncomfortable in any situation, and so what if everyone has to deal with this, f*ck them, why should he be constrained by their limitations) They seem like bottomless pits of need, no matter what anyone does for them, it’s never enough, and they turn pretty nasty when they don’t get their own way. Rather than a woman, they seem to want a mother or an unpaid therapist.
With the more Masculine men, when I say they seem controlling, I don’t mean in the sense that they take the lead or make decisions. I love that, and really appreciate when a man does it. I mean in the sense that, for example, they might have traveled a lot themselves, but really don’t like the fact that I have. They’re rude and short with waiters if the food isn’t EXACTLY how they want it, and get angry about it. They boast about how people in their work jump to their commands as soon as they click their fingers. They talk about how women should never put on weight and should always look and dress a certain way. I even had one guy tell me if he was married, he’d have limits on how often his wife’s family and friends could visit.
I used to get pulled in by the first type of guy’s story and would believe that he’d been hard done by. I don’t anymore and I leave when I see the signs of that behavior. The second kind of guy seems to be what I’m attracting now, so I seem to have over-corrected. Neither type of guy is very kind or loving.
Thanks for sending more clarification regarding your question and what you meant by “masculine” and “feminine.” I agree that those probably weren’t the best terms to describe what you were referring to, but I still invite you to explore this, because it could give you some insight into how you see yourself and men, since you refer to the men you see as being “feminine” as being needy and clingy. I’m not saying that this is how you see yourself as a woman, or women, in general, but it’s just something to look at and explore.
It appears that you’ve identified the pattern the first type of man you were attracting as men who were looking for someone to take care of or “rescue” them. As you described very well, that type of pattern can be exhausting, because you become an emotional “crutch” for the man and are constantly in giving mode, rather than receiving mode. While you may not be attracting that type of man anymore, I invite you to explore what it was that had you attracting men who you felt “needed” you to protect or save them. I’m not saying that you made them needy or that you even intended to attract that type of man. However, when there is a recurring pattern presenting itself in our lives, as I mentioned in the previous post, it’s not a coincidence. There is something that would have that type of man be drawn to you.
What I’ve seen with some of my clients is that they were unconsciously attracting men to whom they felt a little superior. Due to their own insecurities about themselves, they were seeking out someone who perhaps would not mind that they had something that they had not yet fully embraced or accepted within themselves.
Some women tend to draw in people who need them because they associate love with “giving” or “nurturing.” While, of course, in a relationship there will be times when we will be giving and sharing our love with the other person, the imbalance comes in when we are the only ones giving, which is what it sounds like you were experiencing. In this case, there comes a point where you feel depleted because you have been giving and giving and not receiving much love from yourself (in the form of self-care) or the other person in the relationship.
The other thing I noticed was that you mentioned the pattern of the men trying to “guilt you” into being in a relationship with them and then recruiting others to do the same. I’ve found that when we send a clear message about what we want and don’t want, even if the other person doesn’t really like or want to hear what we’re saying, there’s no need to feel pressured in any way, because we’re crystal-clear about what we want. It’s when we’re sending mixed messages, trying to be subtle about what we want, or even suggesting that we “stay friends,” when we have no interest whatsoever in doing that, that the other person interprets this as there still being some type of room or hope for there to eventually be a relationship.
From your response it seems like you are now attracting the type of man who (from your description) seems to be very demanding, critical, and overbearing. Again, I invite you to explore why you might be attracting this type of man? Think about whether there is anything happening on the date that might have a man feel that he needs to “prove” that he’s smarter, more worldly, powerful, and that he commands respect from others.
Again, you’re not responsible for anyone else’s behavior, but you are the magnet that is attracting these men. By looking within, you may be able to identify what it is that would have this pattern emerging, because this is no more “a coincidence” than it is for the woman who keeps attracting men who are addicted to substances, men who are incapable of being faithful, or men who can’t keep a job. We, as women, are natural magnets, so I invite you to do the inner work to see if you can identify what it is that could be causing this pattern to show up in your life, when it clearly sounds like it’s not what you want to experience when you’re on a date or in a relationship.
Perhaps there’s a fear of being controlled, losing yourself, or not having a man accept and love you exactly the way you are. If a fear is strong enough and you focus on it enough, you may actually be attracting to yourself what you don’t want.
Some steps you can take are to ask yourself the questions I included in yesterday’s post, as well as a few others:
- What are my limiting beliefs about men?
- What is are my limiting beliefs about men and how they relate to me?
- What am I afraid will happen once I’m in a relationship with a man?
- What I am I afraid will not happen once I’m in a relationship with a man?
Once you have the answers to those questions, ask yourself:
- How do each of my limiting beliefs or fears show up when I’m on a date or in a relationship?
- With which new thoughts and affirmations am I willing to replace these limiting beliefs and fears?
Some examples of new thoughts and affirmations might be:
- I attract men who are interesting, loving, and kind.
- I attract men who are as attracted to me as I am to them.
- I attract men with whom I have fun and feel comfortable.
It’s important to keep in mind that you’ll want to do the inner work first, so that you can clear the doubts and fears out of the way and be able to really embrace and believe the affirmations!
While it can feel frightening or uncomfortable to look within and do the inner work, the only way to remove whatever it is that’s blocking or standing in your way of attracting the kind of man with whom you can create the relationship of your dreams is to identify the fear and limiting belief, see it for what it is, and then choose to remove and replace it with new thoughts, actions, and ways of being that have you attract what you do want to experience in dating and relationships!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 18, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, Love, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
I love your blog, I’m very happy I found it. The question I want to ask is, is it possible to find a man who is masculine AND a kind and loving person? I meet guys who are either feminine and don’t want to take the lead, or are masculine and controlling. I’m wondering whether it’s a case of choosing one or the other, so I need to decide what I’m prepared to compromise on. Neither option appeals, to be honest!
In my work with women, I’ve learned that, when there is a recurring pattern in the type of men they are meeting, it usually stems from a fear and/or a limiting belief they have about men, dating, relationships, and themselves. These fears and limiting beliefs will “color” the glasses through which they see men and will impact the experience they have of dating and relationships.
The interesting thing about your question is that you seem to be attracting polar opposites. So, my first thought when I read the question was: How do you define “masculine”?
Whatever the answer to that question is will determine how you see men.
For example, you mention that the “feminine” man is one who doesn’t want to take the lead. Given that interpretation, when a man asks you what you like or prefer or where you’d like to go, you might see him as being indecisive, unassertive, or unable of making a decision. However, given another perspective, you might see that this type of man is truly interested in you and wants to make sure he stands a shot at pleasing you and seeing you happy. In other words, he is being kind and loving, but, if your view is that he’s being “feminine,” you won’t see be able to see that.
You also describe a “masculine” as “controlling.” This means that, in your eyes, a man who does take the lead, makes decisions, and is assertive might be seen as overbearing or demanding. Given another perspective, however, this same man could be seen as one who is confident, assertive, and sure about his ability to please you. Again, he might be the most loving and kind man, but given the belief that each time he makes a decision he is being “controlling,” nothing he does will occur for you as loving or kind.
Can you see, that, given whatever your definition or interpretation of what a “masculine man” is or should be, you may sending out mixed messages?
Our fears and limiting beliefs about ourselves, men, dating, and relationships will determine the way we experience being with a man. These fears are completely past-driven, based on an experience we had in the past, and come up whenever we think that something will or will not happen.
So, some questions you can ask yourself are:
- What are my limiting beliefs about men?
- Or, even more importantly: What is are my limiting beliefs about men and how they relate to me?
- What am I afraid will happen once I’m in a relationship with a man?
- What I am I afraid will not happen once I’m in a relationship with a man?
These questions can be tricky to answer without the guidance coach, because our minds tend to want to protect us from seeing what’s really there, particularly if the fear or limiting belief was created as a result of a negative or traumatic event from our past. However, ask them of yourself, be willing to be 100% honest and transparent with yourself, and see what you are able to uncover.
Once you identify your fears and limiting beliefs as what they really are – thoughts – not “the truth,” but just thoughts – then you can choose to replace them with new thoughts. And, once you replace the old thoughts with new ones, you can now choose to see something different the next time a man asks you for your preference or makes a decision.
Thoughts create what we interpret as our reality, and our experience of dating and relationships are no exception.
Norman Vincent Peale could have very well been speaking to a woman about to go out on a date when he said, “Change your thoughts and you change your world.”
Click here to read Part 2 of this post.
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 17, 2013 | HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance, Sex
by Gladys Diaz
I’ve been married for 4 years and have known my husband for 7 years. When we first met, everything seemed to click into place. One thing he talked about was sensuality and sexuality and said he had an extremely high libido. Well, that never showed itself and I figured since we had so many different challenges over the years, once “one thing” is taken care of, then we’d have this blissful sex he used to talk about. Seven years later and I’ve given up hope.
I’ve been wanting sex, but he never does and never did. I’ve tried to look pretty myself in so many ways, be the perfect loving wife, tried to be patient as he sorted through life’s challenges. We average the sex act 3 or 4 times a year. It’s never pleasurable for me, but it’s something. He doesn’t know how to please me, though I’ve gently tried to encourage him. We’ve been to couples counseling and basically they feel he’s lazy and didn’t have any upbringing on lovemaking and relationships. Though he talked the talk, that was it.
We went to his primary care doctor to see if he had any medical issues to attribute to this. Nothing. He does have restless leg syndrome and Attention Deficit Disorder. He recently was diagnosed with depression and is on medication. The meds made him a new person for the better, except, the lack of sex and intimacy is the same.
He spoke so sweet to me at first, as if I was his world 7 yrs ago but shortly after, became part of the furniture or his roommate or UFC buddy. I get judged by people saying why am I with him. Well, he said he loves me and he doesn’t know why he’s like that. I tell myself and others who judge me that if I was that person who had the issue, I wouldn’t want someone to give up on me. Then, I’m regarded as a fool, my friends and family disappear and treat me as if I’m a clown.
I can hear your frustration and can imagine there is some sadness mixed in with the hopelessness you’re feeling. Sexual intimacy is such an important part of marriage, and, when it’s missing, it can lead to frustration and resentment.
While you say you’ve given up hope, I also hear that you are not ready to give up on him or your relationship. This is a testament to the love you feel for him and makes me think that there are other things about your husband that you love. Those are probably the same qualities that had you fall in love with and choose to marry him.
I’m wondering whether you and your husband practice other forms of intimacy besides intercourse. Is there any hand-holding, kissing, or hugging? Do you stimulate and please one another in other ways? Are you open to using toys and other stimulants in the bedroom? Sometimes, when the focus is not on the act of intercourse and there is play involved, it can make it easier for both partners to relax, explore, and discover new ways to please each other.
The fact that your husband has been willing to go to medical doctors and couples’ counseling is a testament to the fact that he knows you’re unhappy and he wants to try to make things better. Listening to counselors tell him that he’s lazy and doesn’t know how to make love or be in a relationship can’t be easy to hear. If he also hears from you how unhappy you are, how he’s not meeting your expectations and how he needs to figure out what is wrong, it could be adding to his inability to initiate or perform.
I’m wondering if you’d be willing to not mention the fact that he never wants to have sex for a while. The pressure of knowing that this is an aspect of your relationship that you are not happy about and in which he seems to be unable to please you could make it even more difficult for him to initiate. If some of the pressure was off, it’s possible that he might feel more relaxed, confident, and willing to initiate. I know it’s probably easier said than done, but, given how much our men want to please and see us happy, I believe that, if given some space without sex feeling like an obligation he’s not meeting may make it easier for him to make the first move.
In the meantime, I recommend that you take good care of yourself. This means making sure that you are doing things for yourself that make you feel good. It’s important that you are caring for your emotional, physical, and spiritual, as well as your sexual needs by doing something every day for the pure and simple pleasure of it.
Self-care doesn’t have to be expensive or time-consuming. It can be anything that you enjoy doing – reading, exercising, going for a walk, spending time with your girlfriends (the ones who are supportive of you trying to save your marriage, not the ones who you mention are judging you and your husband). It can be lighting a candle while you take a long bath, listening to your favorite music, engaging in a hobby – basically anything that you enjoy and brings you pleasure. And, yes, it can mean pleasuring yourself sexually, if that is what you feel you need.
Practicing self-care not only helps us take responsibility for our own happiness, but it also helps us have more peace and patience than when we’re feeling exhausted, anxious, and depleted of energy and joy. We are much better able to be loving, understanding, and patient with our spouses when we’ve replenished ourselves and are not depending on them to make us happy. And a woman who is peaceful, smiling, and appreciative is also very attractive! You’ll be feeling and looking good, both inside and out!
I’m not saying that this will solve all of your issues, or that your husband will all of a sudden begin initiating sex. However, focusing on other forms of intimacy, refraining from complaining about or bringing up the lack of sex, and practicing good self-care can help create a space where the opportunity to have sex doesn’t feel like an obligation for either one of you, and where you will feel better able to deal with the situation, while, at the same time, creating opportunities to connect with your husband in different ways.
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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