The other day I was speaking with a woman about some of the difficulties she has been experiencing in relationships. We began discussing some of the patterns she’s been experiencing in relationships – attracting emotionally unavailable men; not moving from the “dating phase” into being in a relationship; and how, when she is in a relationship, trust and communication issues begin to creep in and the relationship is soon over.
As we spoke, I helped her uncover some of the recurring thoughts and behaviors that were impacting her and her relationships before, during, and while dating a man, and how many of these had to do with setting healthy boundaries.
Now, there is a lot of talk out there about what boundaries are and how they should look in dating and relationships, so, before I go on, let me clarify:
The boundaries you set in relationships are intended for YOU, not the other person!
This bears repeating: Your boundaries are for YOU, not him.
Too many times, the information out there about setting healthy relationship boundaries is encouraging women to create a bunch of “rules,” requirements, and criteria a man must meet in order to be with her. The idea is that she sets up all of these restrictions in order to eliminate getting hurt or wasting her time.
While I agree that relationships are notintended to be hurtful or a waste of time, it’s important that you understand that boundaries are not a list of rules or requirements someone else must follow or respect in order to be able to be with you.
Setting healthy boundaries is about you deciding what you want, what works and doesn’t work for you, and what you will do to ensure that you respect and honor those boundaries yourself.
For example, if one of the relationship boundaries you have set is that you will only sleep with a man once you are in a committed and monogamous relationship, then that is a boundary you have set for yourself, which means you are responsible for not putting yourself in situations where you might be tempted to go beyond that boundary.
Notice how I said that you are the one responsible. Letting a guy know that this is what you prefer is important. However, once you’ve shared that information with him, it’s not fair to make him responsible for honoring that boundary, especially if you’re going to keep putting yourself in situations that keep pushing the envelope further and further every time the two of you are together.
If, for example, you have a personal boundary about the communication in your relationships being loving and respectful, then it’s up to you to make sure that when you speak – even (and especially) when you are upset – you remain calm, refraining from hurling insults, and that you’re willing to listen to the other person as much as you would like to be heard. If you’re not honoring that boundary, then you can’t expect or make the other person responsible for speaking to you in a calm, respectful manner, or to listen when it’s your turn to speak.
Having healthy boundaries for yourself is important.
Being clear about what you want to experience and how you would like to be treated in a relationship is critical to actually manifesting that in your life.
However, remember that the boundaries you set are not requirements, rules, or criteria that someone else must follow. They are intended for you, and, when you honor them, you honor yourself, which then makes it easier for others to honor you, as well!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
This week is Autism Awareness Week. When we first learned of my son’s diagnosis, I was terrified. I didn’t know what it would mean for him or us, and I was afraid that there were things he wouldn’t be able to experience because it. We’ve spent the last four years doing everything we can to teach, help, and empower him to do everything he can to reach his highest potential. Time and time again, he’s managed to surprise and amaze us by overcoming challenges the books and “experts” say would be difficult for him.
This weekend, Nico will be achieving another huge milestone. He’s going on his first camping trip without me!
I’m not going to pretend that I’m perfectly “okay” with this. I’m afraid. He’ll be sleeping alone in a tent, outdoors, hours away, and I won’t be there to help him, speak up for him, or take care of any challenges that might come up.
I’ve had moments when I’ve broken down, I’ve been praying up a storm, and, this morning I ran two miles in his honor, just so that I could work some of the anxiety out of my body!
I’ve also been doing a lot of the fear exercises we teach our clients! (I practice what I teach!)
But Nico says he that wants to do this, and he wants to do it alone.
He looked me straight in the eye (a challenge for people with Asperger’s) and said, “Mama, I can handle this.”
So I’m standing in faith!
I’m trusting that God will watch over him and that the adult and Boy Scout leaders will watch out for and be there for him.
I’m trusting that he will be able to work through his challenges and ask for help, if he needs it.
And I’m trusting that, even when my fears come up this weekend, I will be able to work through them and get to the other side of fear: freedom!
How will I work through my fears? I’ll follow the same steps we teach our clients!
You can use these steps whenever you are facing a fear related to dating, your relationship, career, health, or any other area of your life!
Realize that fears are only imagined thoughts.
Although the fear and anxiety you experience when you’re afraid feels real at the time, the truth is that whatever you’re thinking about is not actually happening. It’s only the thought of what might happen that is causing you to worry.
If you can remind yourself that what you are afraid of is not actually happening in reality – right here and now – you can immediately suck some of the power out of that fear!
Remind yourself of what is actually happening.
Once you are able to see your fears as imagined thoughts, then you want to bring yourself to the present moment and to what is actually happening. Where are you sitting, who are you with, what is taking place around you?
Redirect your mind to focus on what is actually happening so that you can reinforce the thought that what you fear is just a thought and it’s not really happening.
Create an empowering thought to replace the fearful one.
Regardless of whether or not you believe it to be true, your thoughts are what create your reality. Rather than tormenting yourself with fearful thoughts that you are allowing to rob you of your peace and power, redirect your mind to more empowering thoughts.
Remind yourself of how strong, beautiful, and powerful you are. Remind yourself that you are capable, courageous, and confident.
You may be asking,“But how can I believe this if it’s not true?”
Well, consider that your imagined fear isn’t true, either, but you chose to believe that thought, so you can choose to believe your empowering thought instead!
The only reason our fears and doubts seem so real and powerful is because of all of the time and energy we have spent thinking them. If you want to have a different experience of yourself and your life, begin thinking different thoughts.
It make take some time and lots of repetition until these new empowering thoughts take root, but the more your practice saying them to yourself, the easier it will become to believe them. And, before you know it, they will begin to kick in the moment you begin to experience a fearful thought!
Now,that’s power!
So, when you read this article, if you have a moment, please send a positive thought or prayer Nico’s and my way! If you want to post it below, in the comments, I’ll make sure I show it to him before he leaves or when he gets back on Sunday!
And, the next time you begin to experience fear, remember Nico’s words, “I can handle this,” and work through the steps to move your thoughts from fear to faith to freedom!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
A few weeks ago, Michelle and I hosted a Live Group Coaching Call, where we had the opportunity to coach some of the women in our community on what has been stopping them from attracting love into their lives.
Each woman had a unique story and each demonstrated courage and vulnerability as she opened up her heart and allowed Michelle and I to guide her through taking a look within to identify something that was hidden in her blind spot that was causing her to repeat patterns that were blocking love from entering into her life.
In today’s Coaching Clip we’d like to share one of those coaching sessions with you, so that you can experience what it’s like to have a real breakthrough.
As you listen to the coaching session, we invite you to take the coaching in and make it apply to what you are experiencing in your own life.
What are you hiding from in relationships?
Who are you pretending to be in your relationships?
What is it you don’t want your date, lover, or husband to see?
What are you afraid will happen if he discovers who you really are – behind the mask?
What patterns have you been repeating in your relationships?
And what do you think is standing in the way of you breaking free from past fears, patterns, and beliefs so that you can experience the love you dream of?
Click below to listen to our coaching session with Vivi and how she was about to clearly see what had been standing in the way of her experiencing the kind of relationships her heart desires.
There will be a Group Coaching Call at the end of each training session so that we can help guide you through your own inner journey and identify the fears, doubts, and limiting beliefs that are stopping you from experiencing the love you desire.
It’s really heartbreaking to us when we meet women who seem to be okay with putting their happiness to the side, especially when it comes to being in a happy, loving relationship. We don’t know if you are one of them, but, in case you are, we hope you’ll understand that we are taking a stand for you right now!
And you may not like what I’m about to say, but that’s okay!
http://www.heartsdesireintl.com/ReadytoLoveAgain
If you have been complaining about your love life, crying to your friends and family about how unfair it is that you’re still not married, that your ex is moving on with his life, and that you can’t seem to meet someone to whom you feel attracted and connected, and you still haven’t signed up for the “Ready to Love Again” 6-Week Course, only one question remains:
How much longer will you put off love?
Here’s the thing:
We know you didn’t want your heart broken. We know that you didn’t plan on having things turn out the way they did. We know that if you would have known better, you would have avoided the heartache from the start.
We also know that if you knew how to make changes on your own, you would. We know that you simply would not continue making the same mistakes that have kept you feeling sad, lonely, and like maybe there really isn’t any hope for you when it comes to being happy and loved inside of a relationship if you could help it.
This is why we have created this program.
The “Ready to Love Again” 6-Week Course was designed specifically to help you identify what has been stopping you from moving forward in your love life. In this program, you will identify and dismantle the fears, limiting beliefs, and patterns that you have been repeating over and over again so that you can create new and empowering thoughts and behaviors that will lead you to experiencing the love you want.
But you have to be willing to get out of your own way.
You have to be prepared to stop the self-sabotaging behaviors.
You have to be ready to allow love into your heart.
We’re here to help.
There is still time to register so that you can join us tomorrow< Wednesday, March 12th at 9:00pm ET for the first session.
There’s still time to get your questions answered and to move beyond the reasons, the excuses, and all of the limiting and disempowering thoughts that keep making you believe that this course won’t work for you. It WILL work for youif you allow it to, if you’re willing to do the work, and if you let us guide you through the process of preparing yourself to welcome love – real, reciprocated, and extraordinary love – into your life.
If you have questions, stop hiding out, blending into the background, and pretending like what you want isn’t important, because it is! Just email us and let us know what questions you need answered so that we can get you registered into the course and into our online community right away!
Be bold. Be courageous. And be there tomorrow for Session 1!
We love you and can’t wait to begin this journey with you!
If you’re tired of attracting unavailable, unfaithful, and non-committing men into your life, then you’ll want to click below and listen to today’s Coaching Clip!
One of the common complaints Michelle and I hear from women is that they keep seeing a pattern emerging in their love life and relationships. For some women, it’s that they keep attracting unavailable or unfaithful men. For others, it’s that men often disappear after they have been physically intimate with them. And others complain that they just can’t seem to find someone with whom they feel any real attraction or connection.
At times it can seem as if these things just “keep happening” to you. The truth, however, is that, this pattern is something that you are creating in your life.
Now, I know what you’re thinking:
“Why in the world would I continue to create something I don’t want?”
I understand. It seems crazy to think that you would do something that would have you continue experiencing pain, frustration and sadness. However, the truth is that most of the time, you are doing this subconsciously. You’re not even aware that you’re doing it!
So, why does this happen?
Many times, the harmful patterns you create in your life are triggered by a fear, doubt, or limiting belief that you are subconsciously trying to prove correct and keep alive. There was something that happened in your past, and you made a decision that it would never happen again. In trying to avoid having that pattern reappear, you continue creating and gathering evidence to support the beliefs you made up (“I’m not good enough,” “I don’t deserve to be happy,””I’m just not good at relationships.”).
In today’s Coaching Clip, you’ll hear how Michelle guides Melisa to discover a truth she had been unable to see for herself before that has led to her attract unavailable and unfaithful men. The truth she discovers in this clip is something many people had told her about in the past. While she wasn’t ready to hear it then, she was ready during the Live Group Coaching Call we hosted a few weeks ago.
Listen in and see how Michelle guides Melisa and helps her identify the belief about herself that has had her repeatedly attract unavailable men into her life. Notice Melisa’s courage and her unwillingness to stay stuck anymore! It’s truly inspiring!
One of the powerful aspects of group coaching is that, even if you’re not the person being coached, you get to listen to, receive the coaching, and apply it in your own life.
As you listen to this Coaching Clip, I invite you to put yourself in Melisa’s place.
What is the limiting belief you keep proving over and over again in your life and relationships?
What is the pattern that keeps showing up because of this?
And, most importantly, are you ready to finally put an end to it?
If you are, after you listen to the coaching clip, reply to this send us an email letting us know what the pattern you want to stop is, and Michelle and I will be happy to help you break through it once and for all!
Click Below to Listen to Today’s Coaching Clip!
P.S. Melisa was courageous enough to be willing to look within, listen to the coaching she was getting , and then make the decision to sign up for the “Ready to Love Again” 6-Week Course. If you’re ready to change your life, get unstuck, and have the love you want, sign up for now!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
The human brain is such a fascinating organ! The same organ that enables you to solve problems, come up with life-changing ideas, and make dreams a reality can create thoughts that hold you captive, paralyze you, and have you settle for way less than you deserve – especially when it comes to love!
See, that brilliant, idea-generating organ, also houses fears, doubts, and limiting beliefs that you begin to believe are real.
So, we’ll have thoughts, such as:
“I can’t live without him.”
“No one will ever love me.”
“I’m not good enough.”
“Maybe I’m just not meant to be in a relationship.”
“At least this is better than living alone.”
Your fear of feeling heartache or disappointment will have you settle for crumbs, instead of a feast; pain, instead of happiness; and treatment that you wouldn’t wish on our worst enemy. Incredibly, most of the time you’re not even aware that those fears, doubts, and limiting beliefs are there, because they reside in the subconscious. You treat them as “the truth,” instead of just thoughts, and, if left unaddressed, you will begin to believe them and accept that this is as good as it gets. That this pain, unhappiness, and lack of fulfillment is what you deserve.
In order to disarm those fears and limiting beliefs, you must first become aware of them, know how to dismantle them, and then replace them with new, empowering thoughts that begin to create a new reality for you and your life!
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