by heartsdesireintl | Jun 17, 2013 | HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance, Sex
by Gladys Diaz
I’ve been married for 4 years and have known my husband for 7 years. When we first met, everything seemed to click into place. One thing he talked about was sensuality and sexuality and said he had an extremely high libido. Well, that never showed itself and I figured since we had so many different challenges over the years, once “one thing” is taken care of, then we’d have this blissful sex he used to talk about. Seven years later and I’ve given up hope.
I’ve been wanting sex, but he never does and never did. I’ve tried to look pretty myself in so many ways, be the perfect loving wife, tried to be patient as he sorted through life’s challenges. We average the sex act 3 or 4 times a year. It’s never pleasurable for me, but it’s something. He doesn’t know how to please me, though I’ve gently tried to encourage him. We’ve been to couples counseling and basically they feel he’s lazy and didn’t have any upbringing on lovemaking and relationships. Though he talked the talk, that was it.
We went to his primary care doctor to see if he had any medical issues to attribute to this. Nothing. He does have restless leg syndrome and Attention Deficit Disorder. He recently was diagnosed with depression and is on medication. The meds made him a new person for the better, except, the lack of sex and intimacy is the same.
He spoke so sweet to me at first, as if I was his world 7 yrs ago but shortly after, became part of the furniture or his roommate or UFC buddy. I get judged by people saying why am I with him. Well, he said he loves me and he doesn’t know why he’s like that. I tell myself and others who judge me that if I was that person who had the issue, I wouldn’t want someone to give up on me. Then, I’m regarded as a fool, my friends and family disappear and treat me as if I’m a clown.
I can hear your frustration and can imagine there is some sadness mixed in with the hopelessness you’re feeling. Sexual intimacy is such an important part of marriage, and, when it’s missing, it can lead to frustration and resentment.
While you say you’ve given up hope, I also hear that you are not ready to give up on him or your relationship. This is a testament to the love you feel for him and makes me think that there are other things about your husband that you love. Those are probably the same qualities that had you fall in love with and choose to marry him.
I’m wondering whether you and your husband practice other forms of intimacy besides intercourse. Is there any hand-holding, kissing, or hugging? Do you stimulate and please one another in other ways? Are you open to using toys and other stimulants in the bedroom? Sometimes, when the focus is not on the act of intercourse and there is play involved, it can make it easier for both partners to relax, explore, and discover new ways to please each other.
The fact that your husband has been willing to go to medical doctors and couples’ counseling is a testament to the fact that he knows you’re unhappy and he wants to try to make things better. Listening to counselors tell him that he’s lazy and doesn’t know how to make love or be in a relationship can’t be easy to hear. If he also hears from you how unhappy you are, how he’s not meeting your expectations and how he needs to figure out what is wrong, it could be adding to his inability to initiate or perform.
I’m wondering if you’d be willing to not mention the fact that he never wants to have sex for a while. The pressure of knowing that this is an aspect of your relationship that you are not happy about and in which he seems to be unable to please you could make it even more difficult for him to initiate. If some of the pressure was off, it’s possible that he might feel more relaxed, confident, and willing to initiate. I know it’s probably easier said than done, but, given how much our men want to please and see us happy, I believe that, if given some space without sex feeling like an obligation he’s not meeting may make it easier for him to make the first move.
In the meantime, I recommend that you take good care of yourself. This means making sure that you are doing things for yourself that make you feel good. It’s important that you are caring for your emotional, physical, and spiritual, as well as your sexual needs by doing something every day for the pure and simple pleasure of it.
Self-care doesn’t have to be expensive or time-consuming. It can be anything that you enjoy doing – reading, exercising, going for a walk, spending time with your girlfriends (the ones who are supportive of you trying to save your marriage, not the ones who you mention are judging you and your husband). It can be lighting a candle while you take a long bath, listening to your favorite music, engaging in a hobby – basically anything that you enjoy and brings you pleasure. And, yes, it can mean pleasuring yourself sexually, if that is what you feel you need.
Practicing self-care not only helps us take responsibility for our own happiness, but it also helps us have more peace and patience than when we’re feeling exhausted, anxious, and depleted of energy and joy. We are much better able to be loving, understanding, and patient with our spouses when we’ve replenished ourselves and are not depending on them to make us happy. And a woman who is peaceful, smiling, and appreciative is also very attractive! You’ll be feeling and looking good, both inside and out!
I’m not saying that this will solve all of your issues, or that your husband will all of a sudden begin initiating sex. However, focusing on other forms of intimacy, refraining from complaining about or bringing up the lack of sex, and practicing good self-care can help create a space where the opportunity to have sex doesn’t feel like an obligation for either one of you, and where you will feel better able to deal with the situation, while, at the same time, creating opportunities to connect with your husband in different ways.
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 16, 2013 | Forgiveness, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
What do you do if you realize you married someone whose life vision is very different from yours and that causes great stress? I am focused on getting a business in place, having a home that I am proud of, family is very important to me. For my husband, the way the house looks isn’t important, family is a bother, and he is struggling in his business. There is very little support for my priorities.
It sounds to me as if you and your husband may simply in two different places at the moment. There are things that you feel are priorities, and he may have different priorities. However, consider different does not mean either set of priorities is right or wrong, good or bad. They are simply different.
I hear that you are frustrated and feeling stressed out. Many times, the frustration we feel is not due to the actual circumstances we are experiencing with our spouse or partner. Instead, the stress is coming from wanting him to feel the same way we do. We expend an enormous amount of time and energy trying to convince him that he’s wrong, that he should change his mind, and, basically, that he should agree and want to do things our way.
I’m like you. I like to have my home tidy, clean, and presentable. For years my husband and I argued about the state of the kitchen counter. At that time, he didn’t have an office in our home, and his space was the counter around our kitchen island. It would be full of mail, his electronics, his watches, and what felt to me like everything else he owned. I asked him repeatedly to please clean off the counter. I explained how much it upset me. I tried tidying up the counter myself (resentfully). I complained, criticized, and nagged him about it. Nothing worked. Most of the time he ignored me and would leave the mess until 5 minutes before company arrived, or until I cleaned it off myself.
Finally, one day, after I’d cleaned up the kitchen and living room areas (everything except the counter), I said, “I love it when the house is tidy and all the surfaces are clear. It makes me feel so peaceful. He didn’t say or do anything then, but we had company coming over the next day, and I vowed I wasn’t going to argue about the counter again. It just wasn’t worth it.
The next day I came downstairs about an hour before the company was set to arrive, and I noticed that the counter was completely cleared off. I smiled and said, “Thank you for cleaning off the counter, honey!” He said, “You’re welcome,” and nothing else. After everyone left and I was cleaning up the kitchen, I noticed he was helping to clean up the living room, so I thanked him for all of his help that day. A little while later he asked me, “Want to know why I cleared off the counter?” I said, “Yes. Why?” He said, “Because you didn’t nag me about it and I knew it would make you happy.” And he was right! It did.
That was about four years ago, and I haven’t had to mention the counters again! Every once in a while it gets a little messy, but once a week, he goes through the mail and gets the counter looking neat again. I’m so grateful for both the effort he makes to please me and the peace in my home!
I also used to nag my husband about spending too much time on the computer or playing video games. I used to tell him he should get a better job or ask for a raise. And I’d remind him constantly about the things he said he’d do that he hadn’t done yet.
I thought I was just telling him what I felt was important. I thought I was just sharing my thoughts and feelings with him. And, many times, I thought that, if he really loved me, and if he was really the right guy for me, he would do these things without me having to tell him.
What I didn’t realize was that all of the complaining, criticizing, and correcting was actually causing the opposite of what I wanted to happen. See, when all we do is tell our husbands what they are doing wrong or not “right enough,” all they can hear is that they are “wrong” and that they need to be “fixed” or “changed.” And, quite frankly, they don’t like being told what they should do any more than we do!
There isn’t a man on this planet who will tell you that he’s been inspired to change or do anything differently by his wife or girlfriend’s nagging. In fact, the more we nag about something, the more we can expect that behavior to stay in place.
So, what can we do to get more help, more time, and more support? Simply express your desires. Expressing your desires is about telling him what you want or don’t want, but not what you want him to do or not do.
So, rather than saying, “I want you to put the dirty clothes in the hamper, instead of leaving it on the floor,” ask yourself what it is that you want. Focus on the end result. If you think about it, what you really want is a neat room, so just say, “I want the room to look neat.”
Instead of complaining and saying, “You never take me out dancing anymore,” say, “I’d like to go dancing.”
Instead of complaining that he never helps around the house, say, “I want to make meatloaf, but I don’t want to wash the dishes.”
Instead of telling him, “You should spend more time with me and the kids,” tell him, “I’d like to spend time with you” or, even better, “I miss spending time with you.”
In each of these examples, you are focusing on what you want, not on what you want him to do. This presents him with an invitation, instead of an obligation. And, when we let our men know what we want, purely, with no expectations or criticisms, that’s what inspires them. They just want to please us!
I know it sounds too simple. I know, because I often feared that just saying what I wanted wouldn’t be enough. I felt I might need to give him the reasons and explain why I wanted what I wanted. But I’ve found that the more purely I express what I want, the better!
So, I invite you try it. Instead of telling your husband all of the things he’s not doing to support you, just tell him what would please you. Start the sentence with “I want…” or “I’d like,” and remember to focus on the end result, instead of what you think he should do.
And, of course, when he does something that pleases you and helps fulfill your desires, thank him. Let him know that you noticed and that you appreciate it. When he knows that he’s pleased you and that he’s also appreciated, that will ignite within him the desire to continue wanting to please you. At the same time, you’ll be creating a wonderful dynamic of respect, generosity, and gratitude and bringing peace and tenderness back into your marriage!
Please let me know how it goes!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 15, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Infidelity, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
I have recently reconnected with a past friend/relationship. There was no sex or desire to be with him then. Then one day 2yrs ago, I had a problem with my phone and contacted the company, and who came to my door… him! He was filling in for another guy who was on holidays. I think “What’s the chance of this happening?”
It’s been 16yrs and we have both traveled and had lives. He is married and I’m a single parent. Our connection this time round is very strong and soulful. He said he loved me and my inner core was so happy.
He is unhappy in his marriage and we have been talking and not gone to the next step. My thoughts are with him all day and he says he feels the same. I do love him, but where and what do we/I do now? I close my eyes and I can see us together in the future. I haven’t had this before. Is he a soulmate?
I can see how having someone pop back into your life again after so many years could have you asking “What’s the chance of this happening?” and wondering whether this was “meant to be.” I can also hear that you feel a deep connection to him and want to be with him.
You’re asking what you should do. I think a more important question for you to answer is, “What do I want to experience in a relationship?” This question is critical because, unless you know what you want, you will settle for what you think you can get. For the past two years, you have been involved with a married man. I acknowledge you for not taking it to the next step, and I also wonder why he’s still married after two years if he’s really that unhappy in his marriage and wants to be with you.
Please understand that I’m not saying this to be mean. This is your choice to make and you know what works best for you. It just sounds like you have really fallen for and want a relationship with him and that you may have invested to years of your life in a man who is unavailable and unable to commit to you because he is still married to someone else.
I have way too many stories of clients and friends who waited and waited for the man they were in love with to leave his wife, only to end up broken-hearted after several years. The fact of the matter is that until a man is divorced from his wife – not just “separated,” but legally divorced – he is still legally bound to his wife. This makes him unavailable to anyone else, because, even if he wanted to marry someone else, right now, he couldn’t, because it is illegal to do so.
Some women will argue that the man says he is miserable and that the divorce is complicated, or that his wife won’t agree to the terms. What I’ve seen in my experience is that, when a man wants out, he gets out and figures out a way to deal with all of the complications.
The fact that it’s been two years and he’s still married makes me wonder about just how unhappy he is and how willing he is to begin a life with you. I’m not saying that he’s lying about how unhappy he is. However, he is lying – at least to his wife – if she is unaware of what is going on and that he’s been building this intimate friendship/relationship with you.
You ask what you should do now. The answer is going to come from what it is you want to experience in a relationship. I can hear that what you want is a loving, intimate connection with a soulmate. You just need to ask yourself whether that dream relationship also includes being with a person who is faithful and completely committed to being with you and you, alone.
If not, and you’re willing to be involved with a married man, while I don’t recommend it, then you can choose to proceed with allowing this relationship to move to another level. If, however, love, connection, commitment and fidelity are important to you, then, right now, this is not the right man for you, because he’s simply unavailable.
Either way, the choice of whether to continue with or end this relationship is yours to make. In choosing, I recommend that you think about what you really want and then make the choice that honors that desire and leaves you feeling the most loved and fulfilled!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 10, 2013 | Dating, Heart's Desire International, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
If my boyfriend of 4 1/2 years says he bought me a custom made ring two years ago but hasn’t proposed, yet still talks in terms of ” we ” about the future and says he is so grateful to finally get “free” of his son late at night when we are both available that he forgets to bring the ring because he considers it a mere formality, should I be kicking his proverbial rear to the curb? This is a beta male who has ADHD. Any thoughts?
There are a few points in this question that I’d like to address. The first is that your boyfriend announced that he bought you a ring and is then explaining why he’s forgetting to bring it when he comes to see you late at night. I’m wondering if you’re the one who brought up the ring in the first place. The reason I ask is that men rarely announce that they’ve bought a ring before they actually propose. The “surprise factor” of the proposal is part of its sweetness. So I’m wondering if you were bringing up marriage a couple of years ago and he said he got a ring to deal with the pressure.
If he did, in fact, get the ring of his own accord and shared with you that he bought it, the fact that he keeps explaining why he’s forgetting to bring it makes me think that you’re bringing up the fact that he hasn’t given you the ring yet. This, again, could occur as pressure and could actually be causing him not to want to give you the ring until it’s his idea. If this is the case you have been bringing up the ring (or lack, thereof) to him, my advice would be to let it go. Don’t mention it for a month or two and just allow him the space to choose when to give it to you. When/If he does ask you to marry him, you want to know that it’s because he wants to be with and can’t imagine living his life without you, not because he feels like he has to give it or propose to you.
The other thing that stood out was when you said that he comes over when he’s “free” from his son, late at night. Is this the only time you two see each other? Who is staying with his son when he comes over at night? Are you 100% certain he is not married? I don’t want to instill any fear, but given the limited amount of facts in the email, it’s hard for me to understand why he’s explaining why he didn’t bring the ring with him late at night, once he’s free from his son. I’d be happy to set up a time to talk with you privately, if there’s something I’m missing. And, again, I apologize if I’m making any incorrect assumptions.
The most important part of this situation is how you feel – about both him and the relationship.
You refer to him as “a beta male who has ADHD.” For me, the bigger question than whether or not you should kick him to the curb because he hasn’t proposed is whether this is a man with whom you’d like to spend the rest of your life.
In my experience, when women refer to men as “betas,” there is a level of disrespect for who the man is – as if he is somewhat “inferior” to a man who is more assertive. It’s also been my experience that women who refer to their men as “betas” see themselves as “alphas,” which usually means that they are very controlling and tend to be the ones making all of the decisions in the relationship. The more “alpha” the woman acts, the more beta the man appears, and the less likely he will be to step up, make decisions, and take the lead, as a way to avoid having their ideas criticized, contradicted, or dismissed.
The comment about him having ADHD also comes up a lot. Whether he’s been diagnosed officially by a medical practitioner or not (many of the women I work with self-diagnose their men), there are things about him and the way he acts, makes decisions, etc. that you may not agree with. While you may not agree with every decision he makes or how he goes about making them, for this relationship to work, it’s going to be important that you respect his ideas, thoughts, and decisions. In other words, it’s critical that you respect him and who he is as a man.
My clients have found that the moment they begin treating their man with respect and trusting in his capabilities to think, solve problems, and make wise decisions, the same man who once seemed passive, indecisive, or incapable begins to show up as a strong, determined, and confident (dare I say “alpha”) man!
So, my advice to you is to let go of the attachment to having the ring presented to you, and focus on whether this is a man with whom you can envision yourself with for the rest of your life. Is he the man who you can trust with your heart, who trust will be there to care for you, and who you will be proud to respect and honor until death do you part. If the answer to all of these questions is “Yes,” then step back from mentioning the ring and focus on being the woman he fell in love with and for whom he chose to design a custom-made ring. If after a month or two there is no mention of marriage, then you can let him know that you love him and that, for you to be happy, you need to be married. That for you, it’s more than just a formality – it’s what will make you happy.
If the answer to these questions is “No,” “I’m not sure,” or “Not yet,” then, again, let go of the idea of the ring and get clear about what you want. If it’s not him (exactly the way he is and exactly the way he’s not), then gently let him go and make room for the man who is perfect for you to find you!
I’m actually leading a group coaching call this Tuesday, June 11th on “How to Honor Your Desire to be Married Without Making Ultimatums.” If you’d like to learn more about how you can participate on the call, you can do so by clicking here.
Comments? Questions? Let us know! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 9, 2013 | breakups, Dating, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Infidelity, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
I have been dating with my boyfriend for 3years and recently I found out that he had some affairs with other girls. When I confronted him, he told me nothing but that he was feeling he needed validation from other people. Then some days later he called me up and ended the relationship saying that he is not ready yet, that I was too good for him now, and that I should give him time to better himself. I felt so bad, so much so, that this situation affected my academics, and now I have been asked to withdraw from my course because I was not able to pass a certain number of papers. I feel so depressed and confused.
I really want to get out of this situation. I have taken sometime to forgive myself and forgive him. I have cut all contacts with him. I just want to be able to focus on what makes me happy right now. Right now I am in a dilemma because I am still not able to figure out what is next. I really need your help because I always find myself hoping things will get better with him someday. I really am myself when I am with him and he is a nice person.
I think that one of the most painful things a person can go through is being betrayed by someone they love. Creating a relationship involves so much vulnerability and the willingness to open our heart to someone, all the while knowing that there are no guarantees and that we might get hurt. Knowing this, however, doesn’t make the pain any less severe when we find that the person has betrayed our trust.
I know you refer to your ex-boyfriend as “a nice person,” and it’s possible that he’s very kind. However, it sounds from your email that there was more than one case of infidelity. So, as nice or kind as he may be, if he’s incapable of being faithful to you, then he simply is not the right guy for you. The truth is that you deserve to be with someone who chooses to be with you and only you.
If your ex had chosen to take responsibility for the infidelity, apologized and promised to be faithful and commit to making the relationship work, I’d tell you that, while it makes the journey a little more difficult once the trust has been broken in the relationship, with support, it is possible to truly forgive, recommit, and make things work.
The fact that he said he needs time to work on bettering himself, that he doesn’t feel you deserve him, and he’s not ready to commit to you right now, while painful to hear, is probably the kindest and most loving thing he could have done. Rather than continue to lie or pretend that he’s in this relationship 100%, he’s choosing to let you go, stop hurting you and, hopefully, focus on himself. This is actually something for which you can be grateful.
I hear you saying that you want to do the same and focus on what makes you happy right now, and that’s exactly what I’d recommend. This is the time to really focus on what you want for yourself and your life. If being in school is something that is important to you and having that career is something you really want, then I’d recommend speaking to whoever you need to speak to regarding what you can do to get back on track. If you haven’t been pampering yourself, taking time to just relax and replenish your heart, body, and spirit, now is the time to begin scheduling those things into your day. If you have girlfriends or family members who will support you in moving forward with your dreams, then surround yourself and spend time with them.
This is the time for you to take responsibility for your own happiness and to really focus on becoming the woman you were created to be. This is what is going to help you feel more confidence, joy, fulfillment, and peace of mind and heart. And it’s also what is going to make you very attractive to the man who is right for you. He will see your joy, confidence, and peace, and will be attracted to you and to the idea of adding to that happiness.
As for your ex and holding onto hope that things will get better, I know it’s difficult, but, if what you want is to experience a relationship where you are loved, honored, and respected, then you’re probably going to need to let go and close this chapter of your life so that you can begin to create the next one.
Trust that everything is happening just as it should. Trust that you found out for a reason and that the relationship ended for a reason. And trust that you can and will have a relationship where the man chooses to love, to commit, and to be with you and only you, because that is what you deserve!
Comments? Questions? Let us know. We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 5, 2013 | breakups, Dating, Forgiveness, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Parenting, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
One of my favorite parts about the work that I do is being able to connect with and make a real difference for the people with whom I work. There really is nothing more rewarding to me than guiding a woman through her biggest fears, greatest blocks, and limiting beliefs, and having her come through more empowered and confident than ever, with the promise of her heart’s desires being fulfilled on the other side!
I don’t always get an opportunity to connect with everyone in our community on a personal level, but lately I’ve been trying to think of ways to create opportunities for more personal connections, where I can hear from and share with you on a more consistent basis.
Well, those of you who know me know that I don’t believe in coincidences, and that I do believe that everything that happens does so at the perfect time and for a specific reason. That’s why yesterday, when I read about a 30-Day Challenge yesterday, I got excited!
And the best part is YOU get to be part of it, too!
One of the groups I’m very proud to be part of is the Social Media Club of South Florida. The members are participating in a 30-Day Blogging Challenge during the month of June.
So, why is this exciting and how can you be part of it?
The 30-Day Blogging Challenge I participated in last year is what helped me to start blogging on a more consistent basis. I joined the group right before the last challenge began and it motivated me to create “Your Heart’s Desire Thought of the Day,” where, for 30 days, I blogged about a different dating and relationship topic each day. People enjoyed it, I loved reading and responding to the comments, and, when the challenge ended, I had several requests to continue with the daily messages (If you were one of those people, consider this your request being granted!).
Another reason I’m so excited is because I’ll be doing things a little differently this time. Instead of me coming up with the 30 topics I’ll be blogging about, this time, I will be answering your questions about love, dating, and relationships! That’s right! All you have to do is ask me a question via email or our Facebook page, and I will answer your question in one of the blog posts during the month of June! Your name will be kept confidential on the blog post, and you’ll have the opportunity to have some of your burning questions answered!
Here’s all you need to do:
- Type the words “Burning Question” in the subject line of your email or in your Facebook comment.
- Send your question via email to gladys@heartsdesireintl.com or post your question on our Facebook page at www.facebook.com/heartsdesireintl.
- Once the question gets answered, I’ll send you an email or Facebook message letting you know that your question’s been answered on Heart’s Desire’s blog.
That’s it!
Now, I really need your help, because today is June 5th, and the challenge began on June 1st! Believing that it’s never too late for anything wonderful to happen (in life or relationships!), I want to get started right away – as in tomorrow, June 6th! So, if you have a question (or 2… or 3) that you’d like answered, just send me an email or go to our Facebook page and ask it NOW! And, please don’t wait to see if someone else asks first. I need to answer 30 questions in 30 days and I want yours to be one of them.
Just send me any questions you have about:
- dating
- love
- sex
- relationships
- parenting
- romance
- marriage
- breakups
- avoiding divorce
- intimacy
- any other burning questions you have
So, go ahead! Make my day and partner with me to make this next 30 days ones that make a huge difference for you and the thousands of others people who are going to benefit from reading the answer to your question!
Questions? Comments? Let us know! We love hearing from you!
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