I don’t know if you’re anything like me, but, when I feel there is a problem, I like to do anything I can to resolve it as quickly as possible.
This problem-solving skill serves me well when it comes to helping my clients get through difficult situations in their love lives and relationships. It’s also served me well as a businesswoman.
It doesn’t, however, always serve me well when it comes to my relationship with my husband.
See, what many women don’t realize is that while women’s brains are wired to almost instantaneously think, feel, and say what we are thinking and feeling, men’s brains are not. In fact, the female brain has 7 areas that connect feelings, emotions and words, while the male brain has 2 areas that are wired in this manner.
Now, that doesn’t mean that woman are any better or smarter than men. Our brains are wired differently for a reason.
Think about it… Men, at their origin, were hunters. If they did not kill the prey, the entire tribe would go hungry and die. They had to have laser-like focus. Feelings and emotions could not cloud their judgment. They had to think about one thing and one thing alone: getting food for the tribe.
The reason it’s important to know and understand this is because, if you’re like many women, when there is an issue concerning your relationship, you want to “talk” about it, and you want him to want to talk about them NOW!
Your man, on the other hand, may not want or be able to talk about it right at this moment, and, again, if you’re like many women, you may find yourself making this mean something about him and how he feels about the relationship.
For example, you may think to yourself:
If he really cared about me or us, he’d want to resolve this as soon as possible.
He obviously cares more about his work (or whatever he is doing) than me.
This relationship is clearly not a priority for him. Otherwise he would drop what he was doing and deal with this NOW.
I know it does to me!
In the past, when there was a problem in our relationship, I would want to discuss it, right here, right now, and then be shocked when my husband would say, “I don’t want to talk about this right now.”
Then things would go something like this:
Me: (In my head) What? Doesn’t he see how important this is? Clearly he doesn’t see how important this is!
Me: (Out of my mouth) But we need to discuss this. It’s important.
Him: I get that it’s important, but I don’t want to talk about it right now.
Me: (In my head) I can’t believe he doesn’t care about us!
Then I would proceed to keep emphasizing how important this was and how we needed to talk and how it couldn’t wait, and (you get the picture)… until, finally, he would blow up at me and storm out of the room, and then I’d really feel as if he didn’t care!
And that would lead to hours (and, sometimes, days) of stone-cold silence, anger, and unnecessary pain – for both of us.
The truth is that he did care. He does care. (And so does your guy!)
What happens, is that men need a little more time to process the information, especially when a slew of emotionally-charged information is being thrown at them.
What’s happening when your guy is not ready to talk about something is that he is processing the information he’s been given, or he is focused on something else that is important (not necessarily “more important” than you, which is what you may be making it mean), and he needs some time to process and get his thoughts together so that he can focus on the issue at hand before he can talk about it.
So, what do you do when there is something you want to discuss and your guy isn’t ready to talk right now?
1. Respect his preference.
I know it’s hard. This one can still be hard for me. Even this past weekend, my husband had to repeat to me that he didn’t want to talk about something before I could hear him. In the past, I would get upset because I felt ignored and uncared for. Now, I get that when he’s saying he doesn’t want to talk and I keep pressuring him to talk, he’s also feeling ignored and unheard, and this means that any conversation that takes place right then and there is probably not going to lead to a resolution.
2. Remind yourself that “not now” does not mean “never.”
One of the reasons I would panic and keep insisting on getting my husband to talk was because I feared that we would “never” discuss it, and that worried me. That fear and anxiety triggered my need to try to control the conversation (and him), which just led to him resisting the conversation (and me) even more. Now I remind myself that “not now” actually means “later,” not never, which helps me to calm down, step back, and allow both of us space to calm down and gather our thoughts so that, when we do talk, it leads to a win-win for us.
I will also say something like, “I understand that you don’t want to talk right now, and I respect that. Please know that I’m here when you’re ready to talk.” Sometimes we’ll even set a time to talk (after the kids go to bed, for example) so that we know that the conversation will, indeed happen.
3. Focus on something else.
I’ve found that focusing on something else – like going for a run, reading a book, playing a “mind-numbing” game on my phone, listening to something inspirational, or drawing – help me busy my mind so that I’m not hyper-focused on when the conversation will happen or what it will be like. By taking care of myself and my needs, I can control the only side of things that is ever mine to control: me. This allows me to relax, feel empowered, and not come from an emotionally-charged place when we finally do have the conversation.
4. Talk to someoneelse.
Talking to someone else – a girlfriend, sister, or your relationship coach – is also a great way to sort and work through your thoughts and feelings before speaking with your guy. Now, I will add a caveat here. It’s important that you be very selective when you choose who you are going to talk to about your relationship. Make sure that it is someone who is standing for your relationship to work, not someone who is going to bash your guy, take your side, or give you relationship or communication advice that is not for your highest good. If your friend is not in a happy, loving relationship, she may not be the best person to turn to. You want to share with someone who is going to love and support you and have you show up in your best light. This is where having a good relationship coach can make all the difference.
Otherwise, you’ll just be getting “advice,” and advice is usually shared from the other person’s own fears and doubts, as well as her patterns. Coaching, on the other hand provides you with the exact steps you can take to speak with love, be fully in your power, and seeking a win-win solution.That way, when you finally do have the conversation, you are not just talking about something that happened or needs to be resolved, but you are talking for something (resolution, peace, and the highest good for both of you in the relationship).
I know it’s not always easy to hit the “pause” button and not resolve something that is on your heart and mind.Uncertainty can trigger fear and sometimes fear gets the best of us and begin trying to push to try to get something to happen, rather than stepping back and allowing things to come together peacefully and naturally.
However, I promise you that if you follow these 4 steps, not only will that eventual conversation be a lot more peaceful, but you will also feel so much more empowered and connected to your guy when you know that you are coming together at the right time as partners seeking the best outcome, versus “enemies” seeking to prove their own point or get their own “win.” Because, by default, when only one person “wins” in a conversation or argument, the other person must “lose.” And, where there is true partnership, a win-win is always the best outcome.
There’s a real problem affecting women – especially smart, successful women like you – and it pushes good men away.
See, there’s something that many powerful women don’t realize that they are doing to self-sabotage their relationships. And the energy being given off by doing this is like “relationship kryptonite”!
What is it?
It’s leaking masculine energy in the form of control!
Now, before you bounce off the page or get triggered, let me explain, because, if you’re not in a happy, intimate relationship right now, and you knew you could learn what you can stop doing to sabotage your love life and happiness, isn’t that worth just a few minutes of your time?
Here’s the deal.
More than anything, a good man – the kind of man who is interested in loving, supporting, and spending his life with an amazing woman like you – wants one thing more than anything else. (And, no, it’s not sex!)
See, one of a good man’s greatest superpowers is his need to make the woman that he cares about happy. Honestly, it’s like a drug he can’t get enough of when he sees that you are smiling and he knows that hehad something to do with the smile on your face!
Now, perhaps you don’t believe me, especially if this hasn’t been your experience with men – or the man you’re with.
However, consider that there may be somethings you’re doing to either attract the kind of man who isn’t interested in making you happy, or you may subconsciously and unintentionally saying and doing things that stop him from being able to make you happy.
It’s true. Many of the things you are doing to kill a man’s desire to make you happy are happening subconsciously.
This means you’re not even aware of what you’re doing to self-sabotage your relationships!
And that’s why, unless you learn exactly what is pushing away a man’s desire to be with and please you, it’s virtually impossible for you to stop doing it so that you can turn things around in your love life and have the kind of relationship you really want!
Thesubconscious ways women sabotagetheir romantic relationships and what to do instead
Thekey steps you can take to remain in your powerand still get the love you want
Theeffortless ways you can draw a man, his attention and affection to youso that you can feel deeply connected to him
As a smart, successful woman, you know that getting what you want means, not only knowing exactly what to do, but how to get it in the easiest, most effective way! And that’s exactly what I’m going to teach you on this online class, so make sure you grab your spot now!
You can’t change something you can’t see. If you’re not in the happy, loving relationship you truly want, and you want to learn the fastest, most effortless way to have that, make sure you join us for this online class!
I have to admit that this is my favorite time of year! Although it doesn’t feel like winter at all in Florida, there are signs of the holidays everywhere you look (including lit up snowflakes, which is the closest we’ll get to snow here)!
I feel love and hope and joy in the air, and that fills my heart up so much!
As happy as this season makes me, I know that it can be a bitter-sweet and not-so-happy time for others for a variety of reasons.
Maybe you’re feeling a little more lonely than usual.
Perhaps you’re wondering why this year isn’t very different from this time last year.
Or maybe you’ve had a big life change — whether it’s a change in your career, home, lifestyle, health, or relationship.
Whatever the reason, if you’re feeling less than cheerful this season, here are a few things you can do that can help you shift your heart-and-mindset so that you can welcome a little love and cheer in.
Focus on gratitude. I know it sounds “simple,” or perhaps it feels impossible when you’re not feeling very happy with the way things are. However, gratitude is one of the most powerful tools for shifting your perspective and attitude so that you can shift the way you are feeling. This is because gratitude automatically has you focusing on what you do have, rather than on what you don’t have or what is missing. It puts you in a state of abundance, and, if you allow yourself to truly feel the feelings of gratefulness, you can experience a complete shift in, not only your feelings, but in the solutions and possibilities that are available to you, but impossible to see when you are not focused on all of the people, things, and situations around for which you can feel and express gratitude.
Accept invitations, even if you don’t feel like going out. One of the tricky things about the way our subconscious works is that, if we don’t bring awareness to something, it’s impossible to change it! So, even though you may be feeling lonely during this time, if you don’t bring awareness to the fact that you are not alone, that there are people around you — family, friends, people at work, those in your place of worship, or even in social groups you may or may not belong to — you can actually perpetuate the feeling of being alone by not looking for opportunities to meet and be with other people, declining invitations, and isolating yourself from others. So, make it a point to accept as many invitations as possible so that you can enjoy talking, dancing, and laughing, meeting and getting to know people.
Make a difference in someone else’s life. When we put our attention and energy on what we don’t have, what we wish was different, and what others have that we don’t, it can add to feelings of sadness and loneliness. One of the most effective ways to shift that energy is to turn our attention outside of ourselves and make a difference for others. This time of year can be difficult for those who are sick, homeless, unable to get presents for their family, and people who have far less to be thankful for. Spend some time doing charity work, or choose to be a “Silent Angel” and make an anonymous donation or random act of kindness that benefits someone else. There really can be as much joy in giving as in receiving!
Practice self-care and self-love. You may be running around planning and hosting events, getting presents for others, and attending several social gatherings. While many of these activities can be fun, they can also be exhausting! Make sure you are taking time each day to do something nice for yourself. Whether it’s reading a book; taking a nice, long bath; talking to a girlfriend, getting extra sleep, buying yourself a special gift, or booking a massage, it’s important that you take time to replenish, nurture and restore your mind, body, and spirit. It’s impossible to feel truly happy, peaceful and irresistible when you’re walking around like a depleted ball of nerves, so do yourself a favor and put caring for and loving yourself at the top of your list of priorities.
If you’re in a romantic relationship, there can be additional stressors to add to the ones I mentioned above. Dealing with multiple family obligations, as well as family dynamics; having expectations regarding what should happen, and trying to make everyone happy can take a toll on your relationship. Here are some things you can do to avoid arguments before they start and enjoy the holidays with your love.
Remember that your partner has wants and needs, too. If both you and your partner want to (or are expected to) spend time with your families, determining whose family will be visited, how much time will be spent with each family, and when and where visits will take place can potentially trigger arguments. Keep in mind that there is another person in the relationship with you and that he has his own feelings and desires relating to his family and how he would like to spend the holidays with them. Seek to create a way to honor both of your desires so that neither one of you has to “sacrifice” or “settle for” anything. Instead, the two of you can come together and create a win-win-win situation for your partner, your families, and you.
If a “hot-button” topic comes up, commit to communicating respectfully, no matter what. 99% of all arguments result from miscommunication. This includes both the speaking and listening that takes place during a conversation. To avoid having a conversation turn into an argument, make sure that you are clearly understanding what your partners is saying. You can do this by ensuring that you are actually hearing your partner. For example, if your partners has shared something and you’re unclear about what he meant, you can say, “I hear you saying ______. Am I hearing you correctly?” By saying this, you let your partner know that you heard him (which has him feel heard) and you are clarifying whether that is what he said, which helps ensure that the two of you are having the same conversation and will help you come to a faster resolution.
Make peace a priority. When it comes to holidays, one of the most stressful aspects of it can be dealing with, not only one, but two families. Unfortunately, family gatherings can be a breeding ground for conflict if there are unresolved issues from the past lingering in the space that is supposed to be filled with laughter and love. Unfortunately, these arguments can affect and spill over into your relationship if you’re not careful to avoid that. This is why it’s so important to make peace — with yourself, you partner, and those around you a priority. If people begin to argue or you feel yourself getting upset, remove yourself from the situation as quickly as possible. There is no need to make a dramatic exit. Simply and respectfully excuse yourself as a way to create some distance between you and the drama so that you don’t get wrapped up in it. If, after some time it seems as if things aren’t getting any better, it’s probably best to leave, if possible, so that you are not drawn into the arguing, or worse, have an argument with your partner about it. You don’t have to “suffer” through the holidays to prove your love for your partner, his family or your own.
While the holidays cause sadness and stress, implement these simple and practical steps so that you can ensure that you avoid sadness, upset and regret and give yourself the gifts of love, peace, joy, and hope!
Wishing you a holiday season overflowing with all of these gifts and everything your heart desires!
This past weekend Michelle and I had the honor of speaking at the Women’s Prosperity
Network’s UNConference and sharing with the ladies in the audience the secrets to being an Unstoppable Woman in business and a Simply Irresistible Woman in your love life!
One of the parts of the talk that most resonated with the women was where we give them “The CPA’s of Love.” No, we’re not accountants, but we can tell you about the things that will either make deposits or withdrawals to the levels of love and intimacy you feel in your relationship and will either INSPIRE your man or push him away!
Well, we got so much positive feedback that I decided to shoot a short video so that you can have that information, too!
Just watch the video below and share in the comments what you’re biggest “a-ha” or take-away is and which action step you are going to take!
Having a wonderful relationship doesn’t have to be “hard.” Follow these simple steps and experience the magic of being a Simply Irresistible Woman!
I’ll admit it. Today’s video took a little bit of courage to make, because I’m sharing something I’m not very proud of that happened between my husband and me.
The moment I said it, I regretted it!
I felt it was important to share it, however, because any relationship, no matter how good it is, has it’s ups and downs. The key is knowing what to do when you slip!
So, as uncomfortable as this was to share, if it helps you to create more love and intimacy in your relationship – even after an argument – it’s worth it!
Remember: While our relationships aren’t “perfect,” they can still be great!
And, by the way, I’d love to hear from YOU!
If you have a question about love and communication that you’d like answered, send me an email (firstname.lastname@example.org) or leave me a comment below, and I’ll make sure I personally respond to you!
If you live in the U.S., I hope you are having a wonderful Memorial Day! If you love or know someone who gave his/her life in service of our country, please know that I am grateful beyond words and have said a prayer of thanks today in memory of your loved one!
Today I was offering support to a fellow coach, and I shared with her an exercise that I use myself and with my clients that you can use whenever you are in “relationship breakdown.” I wanted to share it with you, too, in case you are or find yourself in some sort of relationship breakdown yourself.
A relationship breakdown is anytime that there is a breakdown, or upset, in your relationship with someone else, whether that’s in dating or in an actual committed relationship. It usually stems from an unmet expectation and can lead to further problems in the relationship, unless you use this simple process to move from breakdown to feeling empowered in the relationship.
You can also use this 4-step process in other relationships, but, since love is my specialty, I focused this short video on what to do if you’re upset and disempowered because you feel something is missing in your romantic relationship.
This short 4-step process could lead to having a HUGE breakthrough in your love life!
Watch the video and let me know what your response to #4 is!