This is a completely different subject but still in the line of ultimatums. My boyfriend watched porn before we got together but we agreed he’d stop for us to be together, so he threw his CDs away. 7 months later, I found one of the “thrown away” CDs out after I came home from visiting family in a different state. He broke it and promised not to do it again. But since then, I’ve found out he’s still watching it because it was on the history (and we only have an 18mo old and one on the way, so no other adults in the house). He started deleting the history and promised once again he would not watch it because he wants us to stay together and he loves his family. Finally, today I found out he watched another one and deleted it (it had a time stamp on the computer) the other day when I went to get my haircut and our son was taking a nap.
So how do I let him know that I’m finished with his porn addiction? He needs to stop or we are gone. I love him and I know he loves us…but I can’t keep putting negative thoughts into my head when it’s not about me.
*Confused*
I know that this can be a very sensitive topic, so I appreciate you reaching out to write about it. I can hear that you are feeling very frustrated and unsure about what to do.
People have different opinions regarding porn, and it’s clear that yours is that you don’t like it, agree with it, or want anything to do with it. Apparently, your boyfriend feels differently. He enjoys watching porn, and was doing so before getting together with you, so it’s important that you realize that his choice has nothing to do with you.
You continue looking for evidence, catching him, and telling him he has to stop. He continues to promise you that he won’t watch it anymore because he loves you, and, therefore, doesn’t want you to be upset and he wants to try to make you happy. This cycle will probably continue for as long as you continue to try to get him to stop.
The fact is that he is a grown man, and, whether or not this is a true addiction or simply something that he enjoys, telling him what he can or cannot do is something that may be okay when it comes to your 18-month-old, but not for an adult man.
In fact, the more you try to control him by telling him what he can and cannot do, the more likely he is to want to do it.
As you read in the other article, ultimatums rarely work, especially when it comes to relationships. So threatening him to leave and take your children with you may get him to stop — perhaps temporarily — but it will most likely impact the love and intimacy in your relationship because (1) you’re threatening to take your children away, and (2) you’re treating him like a child, rather than the man who is the father of your child.
Telling him what to do hasn’t worked, and threatening him hasn’t and probably won’t work. The only way he is going to stop watching porn is if he chooses to stop of his own free will.
True change only ever “sticks” when it comes from within.
So, what are your options?
Well, you say that you love him and you know he loves you. The fact that you know this tells me that he’s probably a good man and father. It also tells me that you probably don’t want to leave him. So, before you threaten to leave and take your children with you, you want to make sure that you are willing to go through with it, should he choose to continue watching porn.
Another option is letting him know that you do not want pornography in the house. By expressing your desire in this manner, you are making it about you and what you want – or, in this case what you don’t want – rather than what you want him to do or not do. This doesn’t mean that he will stop, but at least you will have expressed yourself in a respectful manner.
You can also accept that this is something that he enjoys watching, acknowledge that it has nothing to do with you or how he feels about you, and let it go. I know it probably won’t be easy, given your feelings about it. However, it is possible to respect him and his choices without agreeing with them.
If you do choose to leave and take your children with you, it’s important that you not make your choice to leave about him not wanting to stop watching porn. Instead, own your choice and make it about you not being willing or able to accept it. That way, you can be empowered in making your choice, rather than seeing yourself as a victim of his.
As I said, I know this is a sensitive topic, and you may have additional questions, so, if you’d like to talk about it some more, feel free to contact me and we’ll schedule a time to talk so that I can offer further support!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
This Sunday is Mother’s Day. For many years, this holiday was very painful for me, because I did not have a good relationship with my mother. For several years, I did not speak to or want to have anything to do with her. However, this weekend, she’ll be spending this weekend surrounded by her daughters and grandchildren.
But getting to this place took a lot of love, forgiveness, and the willingness to let go.
As a young girl, I remember thinking my mom was pretty cool. All the kids in the neighborhood wanted to come over to our house. It wasn’t strange to see our lawn and front porch covered in bikes, roller skates, and jump ropes. While my father died when I was three, and mother’s second marriage was rocky and ultimately ended in divorce, I can honestly say that the first ten years or so of my life were happy ones.
After my mom’s divorce, things in my life took a turn for the worst. She fell in love with a man who, at first, seemed very fun and kind. She seems so happy. It wasn’t until a few months later that we began to realize that he was hitting my mom. The fights were getting louder, and more people were beginning to notice. We ended up being kicked out of the home we had lived in for years, and moved right across the street, to a smaller apartment.
The move didn’t change things very much, except that the fights were getting worse and I began noticing that my mother was changing. Not only because she was constantly afraid of her or me and my sisters doing something “wrong” to upset him, but she began drinking a lot more than I’d ever remembered. With the drinking, she became someone else, and that cool, fun mom I used to know seemed to be disappearing before my eyes – both physically and figuratively.
After another move, things really began to get bad, and it seemed like the police were being called to our house at least two or three times a week. They knew us on a first-name basis and tried on several occasions to convince my mother to leave him.
She tried. I remember staying in hotels, staying at friends’ houses, trying to hide from him. He always found us. She always went back to him. And things always got worse.
Pretty soon my mother was disappearing for days on end. We didn’t know where she was, if she was okay, or even alive. I remember going to our neighbors’ houses asking for food or making my sisters a dinner of corn flakes covered in sugar, because there wasn’t any food in the house. Eventually, we got an eviction notice, and we had to let our extended family know what was happening, because we were afraid of being separated and put into foster care.
Thankfully, we had family who were willing to take us in, even though, painfully, it meant that Michelle and I were separated from our little sister, who went to live with our first stepfather. My mom had moved to another state, followed by her husband, and I could not believe that she had abandoned us.
The fact that we were out of that violent environment was good, but the anger and resentment that lived inside of me grew over the years.
I was angry at my mother for not choosing to leave earlier, for putting us in such an unsafe situation, and for caring more about drinking and going out than she did us. As a 15-year-old, all I could see what was in front of me. I never stopped to consider that he had threatened to kill us if she left him, that she was now an alcoholic and needed help, or that the trauma of what she had been living over those years had been affecting her in ways I would never comprehend.
It took several years for me to be able to forgive my mother. I leaned on my faith and on the fact that I loved her and wanted her in my life, even if it was from a distance. After several years of her being sober, when I found out I was pregnant, I asked my mom if she would consider moving back to Florida so that she could help me with my son. The fact that, not only had I forgiven her, but that I was willing to trust her with my own child was overwhelming to her, and she left all she knew to come help me.
Having her in my life again on a daily basis put a strain on our relationship, because it had been much easier to get along from afar. However, through it all, even the times when I wasn’t kind or respectful, my mother was there for me, there for my son, and, later my second son, and she loved and forgave me through my temper tantrums.
We’ve had some dips in the roller coaster ride of our relationship over the years, and I’ve had to learn how to forgive, let go, trust, and open my heart in order to have my mom back in my life. Sometimes I still slip and let my ego get in the way of loving her the way I want to. Sometimes I hold back, afraid of being hurt again.
But mostly, I’m just grateful.
Grateful that God gave us another chance to be together.
Grateful that my kids get to have their grandmother –who they adore– in their lives.
And grateful that, in a world that says that when you grow up in the type of environment in which I grew up, it’s likely that you’ll repeat the same patterns and that you’ll be “broken” or “traumatized” forever, not only am I able to forgive so that have a relationship with my mom, but I also have become the type of mother I hope my children think is pretty loving, pretty special, and pretty cool!
This weekend, Michelle and I will be running in the “Super Mom 5K Challenge,” and the proceeds go toward Women in Distress, an organization that helps women who are escaping domestic violence. If you’d like make a donation and help us make a difference for these women who are being courageous enough to leave everything behind so that they can protect themselves and their children, please visit our Team Page.
Is there someone in your life who could use your forgiveness?
If so, use this weekend as an opportunity to forgive, let go, and allow more love into your life!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Loneliness can be a difficult feeling to be with, especially during the holidays.
There’s a difference, however, between spending time alone and feeling lonely. It can be nice when you have time and space to yourself (Those of us with kids know what a rare luxury that can be!). Alone time can feel comforting. It can be relaxing to focus on yourself; do what you want when you want to do it; reflect, plan and dream.
But loneliness is another feeling altogether.
Loneliness can feel empty, painful, and depressing. During times of loneliness, we can mistakenly feel as if there is no one out there who thinks about, cares for, and loves us – even if we are completely surrounded by people who continuously let us know that we are, indeed, not alone.
Loneliness when you’re single can be difficult, particularly during the holidays. There are parties and gatherings to attend, there’s a feeling of wanting to share these moments with someone else – someone other than family and platonic friends. And then there’s the thought of the upcoming New Year (not to mention that midnight kiss on New Year’s Eve).
Loneliness when you are in a relationship can feel just has empty and painful. Knowing that there is someone with whom you could be sharing those moments, but, because of distance – whether that’s physical or emotional – you’re unable (or he’s unwilling) to, can be heartbreaking.
So, what can you do when you’re feeling lonely?
Focus on the people in your life who love you.
I’m not talking about “kidding yourself,” just to make yourself feel better. I’m talking about really taking stock of the people who truly love you and are there for you. Even though it’s not the romantic type of love that your heart desires, it’s important to acknowledge, accept, and appreciate the love that is already surrounding you so that you can be ready to welcome more in!
One of the keys to receiving more of what you want is to be grateful for what you already have, so take the time to notice the love that is already there, and let the people in your life know that you love them, too!
If you’re feeling lonely inside of a relationship, take some time to think about what you can do to shift the tide. It’s going to take some vulnerability to make the first move and let down your guard, but if you really want things to change, you’ve got to be willing to take the risk. And, many times, the other person has been doing the same thing you have – waiting for you to make the first move – and all they need is a signal to know it’s safe to start growing closer again.
Forgive.
Sometimes, the reason certain people are not in our lives has less to do with physical distance and more to do with emotional distance caused by resentment and the unwillingness to forgive.
Forgiveness does not mean that you are condone or approve of whatever the person did to hurt you. It just means you’re no longer willing to allow that situation to cause you anger and pain or to keep you from the ones you love.
If what happened is too painful for you to allow the person back into your life, you don’t have to. But, at the very least, forgive them in your heart and make room for love to fill the space the resentment has been taking up. If you were the one responsible for the transgression, consider gathering the courage to apologize. It’s no guarantee that the other person will allow you back into his/her life, but at least you will have cleared the space for that possibility.
Make plans with the people with whom you’d like to spend time.
Waiting for people to invite you to go out or attend an event may result in you spending more time than you would like to alone. It may also be a matter of pride and not being willing to be vulnerable enough to let people know that you’d like to spend time with them. If you know there are people in your life with whom you’d like to spend some time, call them up, invite them out or to a party you’re hosting or would like to attend, or just to have a cup of coffee and catch up with them. You’re the one responsible for your happiness, so avoid staying home alone to prove just how lonely you are!
Reach out, connect with, and let the people in your life know that you love them, too!
And, if the people you reach out already have other plans, remember not to take it personally. Instead, schedule time together after the holidays. It will give you something to look forward to!
Spend time taking care of others.
One of the most fulfilling ways to release feelings of sadness and loneliness is to care for others. Whether you volunteer to serve meals, collect or hand out presents, or visit people in the hospital or a nursing home, you will come away recognizing just how blessed you already are.
Giving love is another wonderful way to attract love – since like attracts like – so look for ways to give the gift of love to someone who may need it now more than ever!
Fill your alone time doing things you love.
Even if you begin connecting and reconnecting with the people in your life, it’s likely that there are times when you are alone. Remember that alone time can be good for you, allowing you to pamper yourself and replenish your mind, body and spirit. So, make sure you’re doing at least one or two things a day that are just for you. Make a list of the things you enjoy doing, that relax you, and that make you feel loved and alive!
Giving love to others is one way to attract love, but so is loving ourselves!
For those of you who live in South Florida, a great way to connect with other amazing women is happening this Thursday, December 12th, at the South Florida Women’s Expo! Michelle and I will be talking about how to have it ALL in life AND love. And, not only will there be lots of great food, drinks, and shopping opportunities, but there will also be several women’s organizations and activities represented, and you may find one you’d in which you’d like to participate!
Loneliness can be difficult, especially during the holidays, but if you make this season a reason to reach out to and connect with others, you will come away feeling more love – and more loved – than you if you choose to spend it alone.
And, remember, the more love you give and receive, the more you will attract into your life!
If you have an idea for overcoming loneliness, especially during the holidays, please leave it below! We’d love to hear and share it!
Last week in the U.S., as you probably know, we celebrated one of my favorite holidays: Thanksgiving. For a few days, there was a collective focus on the act of taking stock of our blessings and giving thanks for them. Whether or not Thanksgiving is a holiday you celebrate, I hope you took time to think, write about, and/or verbally express thanks for the people, things, and experiences with which you are blessed.
And, while the holiday is officially over, the act of giving thanks is something you can do every day! In giving thanks regularly, you have the power to shift your state of being from one of feeling upset, sad, and disappointed to that feeling happy, fulfilled, and blessed.
It may difficult to believe that something that simple could have the power to transform the way you experience your life, health, wealth, and relationships, but it’s absolutely true!
Last week, I wrote an article about The Transformational Power of Gratitude. Earlier that day, I had the privilege of doing an interview with Michelle Richards-Phillips of GeTVisioned TV to talk about how gratitude can help create more love and peace in our lives and relationships. Of course, I threw in some other dating and relationship tips, as well! This was probably one of my favorite interviews, as I felt such a connection with Michelle as we spoke!
Several of the people who have viewed the episode have let us know that they took on the Gratitude Challenge we gave at the end of the interview and what a difference it is making for them! People are not only experiencing a feeling of gratitude in their lives, but relationships with spouses and family members are being restored!
I hope you’ll take the challenge, too, and experience the transformational power of gratitude in your own life! Click below to watch the episode, and let us know if you’re going to take the Gratitude Challenge, too!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
There are few practices in life that are as transformational as that of giving thanks. There is something miraculous that happens when you make the choice to take your focus off of everything you don’t have, don’t have enough of, or that seems to be “wrong” in your life and shift to making the conscious choice to feel and express gratitude for what you do have. This is especially true when it comes to love and relationships.
There is a quote by Taneo Sands Kumalae that says,
“Energy flows where attention goes.”
There is nothing that can kill love and intimacy more quickly than criticism and sending the message to the other person that he is not doing “enough” to please you. Telling a man he doesn’t call often enough, that he “never” takes you out anymore, or that he’s “always” thinking about himself does not inspire him to want to call, spend time with, or think of you more often. In fact, you’ll probably find that this type of communication will backfire, having him pull away even more.
On the other hand, when you choose to shed light on the things that you like, enjoy, and appreciate – the little things, the big things, and everything in between – chances are very high that the man you are with is going to want to give you even more of that? Why?
Well, it’s pretty simple. If you’re with a good man, one thing is certain: He wants to please you. And letting him know what he’s done to please you will make him want to do that more often!
See, not only does he love seeing that smile on your face, but he absolutely loves knowing that he had something to do with it!
So, the more you often you let him know that you noticed what he did and that you appreciate it, the more often he will want to create that feeling for both of you again, which means you both win!
Now, I’m not talking about simply expressing thanks in order to “get him” to do things for you. That is manipulative and controlling and totally goes against what we teach about how to create a loving, intimate relationship. This is about really allowing yourself to notice what he’s done, feel the gratitude, and then express it to him.
As with most of the things we teach, this takes some level of vulnerability, because you’re letting him know he made a difference for you. This practice can be easy when things are going well in a relationship, but can be a little more difficult when you’re experiencing difficult times. However, it’s impossible to feel both resentment and gratitude at the same time. So, when you make the choice to express gratitude, it’s also likely that the resentment you’ve been holding onto will begin to disappear, which is a gift you give yourself!
I can promise you that if you really take on expressing gratitude to your husband or boyfriend for the week, something magical will happen.
Not only will you begin to experience more peace within, but you will also begin to sense a shift in the dynamic of your relationship.
Why?
Because, now, rather than focusing on (and complaining about) all of the things he’s not doing (or not doing well enough), you will begin noticing just how much you have to be grateful for! Instead of noticing that he left the socks on the floor, or left the toilet seat up, or forgot to pay the phone bill on time, you’ll begin to notice how he made sure he left you enough coffee in the coffee pot, how he always brings in the mail, how he’s working those long hours you complain about because he wants to take care of you, and how he begins to respond to your increased level gratitude! I’m warning you now – Don’t be surprised if he starts surprising you more often!
Will you take “The Gratitude Challenge”?
I’d like to present you with a little challenge.
For the next 7 days, look for three opportunities per day to express thanks to your man. I know, I know, some of you are thinking it will be hard to find one opportunity. Again, I promise you, if you will look for the opportunities, you will see them!
If you’re not in a relationship yet, then I challenge you to express your gratitude to men three times per day. You can choose to thank the same man three times, or thank three different men. Yes, you can choose a family member, but if you really want to stretch yourself, I invite you thank three co-workers, three men you see while running errands, or the cute guy who always holds the door open for you at the gym!
If you play this game full-out, you are going to begin to notice just how much the men in your life want to please and make you happy! See, while you may be benefiting from their compliments, help, or gifts, you are giving them a gift in return: The gift of appreciation. And, if you continue to play the game well after the 7 days have come and gone, you will see just how big a difference a little gratitude can make in all of the areas of your life!
So, will you do it? Will you take the gratitude challenge?
If, so, make sure you let us know below! We can’t wait to hear all about the miraculous changes you’ll begin to see in your life and your relationship!
Last week, I shared about having gone to a conference for two days full days and how, in the past I would have felt guilty about doing something like that. Based on some of your responses, many of you relate to feeling guilty about putting yourselves first.
One of the things I didn’t mention is that, after having prepared all of the meals for my family, I completely left everything else in my husband’s hands for 2 full days.
What does that mean? Well, it means that he made the kids’ lunches, took them and picked them up from school, helped them do and check their homework, fed them, did the dishes, got them ready for bath and bedtime, and let them stay up a few minutes late so that I could kiss them goodnight when I got home!
And what did I do? Did I call to check up on him to make sure he knew what to do? Or remind him that my son had to be picked up at 3:15 from kickball practice? Or in any other way, shape or form try to “help” him handle things?
Nope!
And this doesn’t mean I’m not “a good mother” or “a caring wife.” In fact, it makes me an even better wife!
Why?
Because I trust him.
And, I must admit that this wasn’t always true for me.
One of the most common questions I get from women is how they can “get” their husbands or boyfriends to help them more often. My answer? Let him know you need help and then let him help you!
Sound too simple to be true? Well, it is!
The truth is that many of us don’t ask for help when we need it. It makes us feel vulnerable, we don’t want to have to ask, and then, if he does offer to help, we want to tell him how to do it the “right way” (a.k.a. “my way”).
Why is it so hard to ask for help? Because you then have to admit that you can’t do itall. And, what’s worse, you can’t do it allperfectly.
There’s probably nothing more debilitating than feeling like you have to do everything yourself so that it will turn out just right.
That self-imposed standard of perfection will have you work yourself to the point of exhaustion, all in the effort to look good and avoid looking bad in the eyes of others. Whereas, if you were simply to admit that you need or would like help, you’d be done in less time and have a lot less stress to deal with!
The truth is that people don’t notice, talk about, or give us nearly as much attention as we think they do!
What can be even more challenging than asking for help is actually receiving it. Allowing someone else to step in and take on some of the load can be helpful, but it can also be stressful for a perfectionist and can lead to wanting to tell the person how something should be done “correctly.”
Last week, I shared about having gone to a conference for two days full days and how, in the past I would have felt guilty about doing something like that. Based on some of your responses, many of you relate to feeling guilty about putting yourselves first.
One of the things I didn’t mention is that, after having prepared all of the meals for my family, I completely left everything else in my husband’s hands for 2 full days.
What does that mean? Well, it means that he made the kids’ lunches, took them and picked them up from school, helped them do and check their homework, fed them, did the dishes, got them ready for bath and bedtime, and let them stay up a few minutes late so that I could kiss them goodnight when I got home!
And what did I do? Did I call to check up on him to make sure he knew what to do? Or remind him that my son had to be picked up at 3:15 from kickball practice? Or in any other way, shape or form try to “help” him handle things?
Nope!
And it’s not because I’m not “a good mother” or “a caring wife.” It’s simply because I trust him. And, I must admit that this wasn’t always true for me.
One of the most common questions I get from women is how they can “get” their husbands or boyfriends to help them more often. My answer? Let him know you need help and then let him help you!
Sound too simple to be true? Well, it is!
The truth is that many of us don’t ask for help when we need it. It makes us feel vulnerable, we don’t want to have to ask, and then, if he does offer to help, we want to tell him how to do it the “right way” (a.k.a. “my way”).
Why is it so hard to ask for help? Because you then have to admit that you can’t do itall. And, what’s worse, you can’t do it allperfectly.
There’s probably nothing more debilitating than feeling like you have to do everything yourself so that it will turn out just right.
That self-imposed standard of perfection will have you work yourself to the point of exhaustion, all in the effort to look good and avoid looking bad in the eyes of others. Whereas, if you were simply to admit that you need or would like help, you’d be done in less time and have a lot less stress to deal with!
The truth is that people don’t notice, talk about, or give us nearly as much attention as we think they do!
What can be even more challenging than asking for help is actually receiving it. Allowing someone else to step in and take on some of the load can be helpful, but it can also be stressful for a perfectionist and can lead to wanting to tell the person how something should be done “correctly.”
What happens, however, is that by stepping in, reminding, correcting, and telling the other person how to do what they’re doing can make them feel as if you don’t trust them and that you’re not grateful for the help. It’s also what often leads to men not volunteering to help. Who in the world wants to be told what to do and how to do it every step of the way?
So, what can you do to begin getting more help?
Ask for help. Simply acknowledge that you could use some assistance, and say “I need help.” You don’t have to back it up with all of the reasons, justifications, and complaints about why you need help. Just let him know you could use some help.
Tell him what you need help with, but don’t tell him how to do it. Let him know what it is you would like help with and then let it go – meaning, don’t offer any unsolicited advice, directions, or “helpful hints.” If he indicates that he’s got it, then he’s got it.
Trust him. Letting go is going to require that you trust him. Trust in his capabilities to do what he said he’d do. Trust that if he needs your help, he’ll ask for it, just like you did (but realize that he probably won’t). Not only does letting go communicate trust, but it also communicates respect.
Be thankful. Leaving a task, project, or errand in his hands brings with it the possibility that the end result may not look exactly likewhat you had imagined. Regardless of how the help is given, it’s important to appreciate his effort. Letting him know you’re thankful not only makes him feel good about having eased your load, but that “feel-good-feeling” is something he’ll probably want to experience again, which means you may be getting even more help in the future!
Letting go of having control over everything can be scary. But trust is an essential ingredient in creating intimacy in a relationship. So, if you want to experience true intimacy in your relationship…
Take a deep breath…
Remember you chose a great guy…
And…let…go…
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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I received the following question from a reader in response to the article “Why Ultimatums Don’t Work in Relationships.” 
