by heartsdesireintl | Jul 2, 2014 | breakups, Coaching, Communication, Dating, Forgiveness, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Infidelity, Intimacy, Loss of a Spouse, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance, Self-Love, Sex, Uncategorized
by Gladys Diaz
I received the following question from a reader in response to the article “Why Ultimatums Don’t Work in Relationships.”
Hi Gladys!
This is a completely different subject but still in the line of ultimatums. My boyfriend watched porn before we got together but we agreed he’d stop for us to be together, so he threw his CDs away. 7 months later, I found one of the “thrown away” CDs out after I came home from visiting family in a different state. He broke it and promised not to do it again. But since then, I’ve found out he’s still watching it because it was on the history (and we only have an 18mo old and one on the way, so no other adults in the house). He started deleting the history and promised once again he would not watch it because he wants us to stay together and he loves his family. Finally, today I found out he watched another one and deleted it (it had a time stamp on the computer) the other day when I went to get my haircut and our son was taking a nap.
So how do I let him know that I’m finished with his porn addiction? He needs to stop or we are gone. I love him and I know he loves us…but I can’t keep putting negative thoughts into my head when it’s not about me.
*Confused*
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Dear, Confused,
I know that this can be a very sensitive topic, so I appreciate you reaching out to write about it. I can hear that you are feeling very frustrated and unsure about what to do.
People have different opinions regarding porn, and it’s clear that yours is that you don’t like it, agree with it, or want anything to do with it. Apparently, your boyfriend feels differently. He enjoys watching porn, and was doing so before getting together with you, so it’s important that you realize that his choice has nothing to do with you.
You continue looking for evidence, catching him, and telling him he has to stop. He continues to promise you that he won’t watch it anymore because he loves you, and, therefore, doesn’t want you to be upset and he wants to try to make you happy. This cycle will probably continue for as long as you continue to try to get him to stop.
The fact is that he is a grown man, and, whether or not this is a true addiction or simply something that he enjoys, telling him what he can or cannot do is something that may be okay when it comes to your 18-month-old, but not for an adult man.
In fact, the more you try to control him by telling him what he can and cannot do, the more likely he is to want to do it.
As you read in the other article, ultimatums rarely work, especially when it comes to relationships. So threatening him to leave and take your children with you may get him to stop — perhaps temporarily — but it will most likely impact the love and intimacy in your relationship because (1) you’re threatening to take your children away, and (2) you’re treating him like a child, rather than the man who is the father of your child.
Telling him what to do hasn’t worked, and threatening him hasn’t and probably won’t work. The only way he is going to stop watching porn is if he chooses to stop of his own free will.
True change only ever “sticks” when it comes from within.
So, what are your options?
Well, you say that you love him and you know he loves you. The fact that you know this tells me that he’s probably a good man and father. It also tells me that you probably don’t want to leave him. So, before you threaten to leave and take your children with you, you want to make sure that you are willing to go through with it, should he choose to continue watching porn.
Another option is letting him know that you do not want pornography in the house. By expressing your desire in this manner, you are making it about you and what you want – or, in this case what you don’t want – rather than what you want him to do or not do. This doesn’t mean that he will stop, but at least you will have expressed yourself in a respectful manner.
You can also accept that this is something that he enjoys watching, acknowledge that it has nothing to do with you or how he feels about you, and let it go. I know it probably won’t be easy, given your feelings about it. However, it is possible to respect him and his choices without agreeing with them.
If you do choose to leave and take your children with you, it’s important that you not make your choice to leave about him not wanting to stop watching porn. Instead, own your choice and make it about you not being willing or able to accept it. That way, you can be empowered in making your choice, rather than seeing yourself as a victim of his.
As I said, I know this is a sensitive topic, and you may have additional questions, so, if you’d like to talk about it some more, feel free to contact me and we’ll schedule a time to talk so that I can offer further support!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | May 20, 2014 | Coaching, Dating, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
I took some of my downtime this weekend to read through some of the articles and newsletters I subscribe to, and I was pretty amazed at how much emphasis some coaches are putting on having women focus on envisioning the type of man they’d like to attract. Now, before I go on, let me reassure you that I am a huge believer in being clear about what you want to attract into your life – especially your love life – so that you can actually experience it. But attracting a great guy into your life is not enough.
The issue I have with focusing only on the type of man you want to attract is that way too much of your energy is being focused outside of yourself, rather than inward, which is where you actually have control over what happens and manifests in your life.
Here’s the thing, I’ve spoken to hundreds of women who are dating, in relationship with, or married to some really great men and they are totally unhappy!
Why is that?
How can a woman attract a wonderful, loving, and generous man into her life and still be unhappy?
Well, one of the reasons is this:
Even if you attract a fantastic man into your life, unless you address the fears, thoughts and behavior patterns that have led to not having a successful relationship, chances are you’re going to self-sabotage your way out of the best thing that could ever happen to you!
See, you could be out there, dating a lot of interesting, intelligent, and commitment-minded men, but if you’re stuck in your head – in the fears, doubts, and resentment of the past – you will not be able to see or recognize what’s right in front of you. And chances are that you’ll resort to familiar thoughts and behaviors and wind up doing things that lead to ending a relationship before it even starts.
You can be dating or married to a wonderful man, and if you don’t know how to speak to him in a way that allows him to hear your feelings, you’re going to be left feeling unheard and like he’s insensitive and doesn’t care about you at all. This will lead to more arguments than you can count – until one of you gets tired enough to end things.
You can be in a relationship with a great guy, and unless you know how to say what you want without nagging, complaining, or criticizing him, he’s going to do one of two things: withdraw or resist. Neither of which leads to creating romance or intimacy!
You can be in a relationship that is romantic, exciting, and everything you ever hoped for at the beginning, and unless you know how to keep that spark alive, you’ll end up feeling bored, stuck, and left wondering whatever happened to that amazing man who swept you off your feet!
The fact is that if you continue doing the things you’ve always done, you are going to continue getting the results you’ve always gotten. It’s that simple.
Knowing how successfully date and be in a relationship, to communicate so that he can listen and respond to you, and how to keep love and romance alive over time takes a specific set of skills. And it’s not about simply knowing what these skills are but also understanding how to implement them so that you are consistently building a solid foundation for a relationship that can last for a lifetime!
So, while, yes, I invite and encourage you to envision the type of relationship you want to have and experience – to really allow yourself to picture it and feel what it will be like to be in it – I also encourage you to do the inner work and learn the skills that are going to have you not only attract a great man into your life, but create a beautiful, loving, intimate relationship that exceeds even your wildest dreams!
Because that’s the type of love you deserve!
On that note, I want to let you know that I’m in the process of interviewing single women and women in relationships who are interested in joining my 6-month coaching program that begins in June. If this is something you would like to learn more about, don’t put your dreams on hold any longer. Just click here and let’s set up a time to talk and create a plan for helping you make your dreams come true!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
by heartsdesireintl | May 9, 2014 | Communication, Forgiveness, Gratitude, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
This Sunday is Mother’s Day. For many years, this holiday was very painful for me, because I did not have a good relationship with my mother. For several years, I did not speak to or want to have anything to do with her. However, this weekend, she’ll be spending this weekend surrounded by her daughters and grandchildren.
But getting to this place took a lot of love, forgiveness, and the willingness to let go.
As a young girl, I remember thinking my mom was pretty cool. All the kids in the neighborhood wanted to come over to our house. It wasn’t strange to see our lawn and front porch covered in bikes, roller skates, and jump ropes. While my father died when I was three, and mother’s second marriage was rocky and ultimately ended in divorce, I can honestly say that the first ten years or so of my life were happy ones.
After my mom’s divorce, things in my life took a turn for the worst. She fell in love with a man who, at first, seemed very fun and kind. She seems so happy. It wasn’t until a few months later that we began to realize that he was hitting my mom. The fights were getting louder, and more people were beginning to notice. We ended up being kicked out of the home we had lived in for years, and moved right across the street, to a smaller apartment.
The move didn’t change things very much, except that the fights were getting worse and I began noticing that my mother was changing. Not only because she was constantly afraid of her or me and my sisters doing something “wrong” to upset him, but she began drinking a lot more than I’d ever remembered. With the drinking, she became someone else, and that cool, fun mom I used to know seemed to be disappearing before my eyes – both physically and figuratively.
After another move, things really began to get bad, and it seemed like the police were being called to our house at least two or three times a week. They knew us on a first-name basis and tried on several occasions to convince my mother to leave him.
She tried. I remember staying in hotels, staying at friends’ houses, trying to hide from him. He always found us. She always went back to him. And things always got worse.
Pretty soon my mother was disappearing for days on end. We didn’t know where she was, if she was okay, or even alive. I remember going to our neighbors’ houses asking for food or making my sisters a dinner of corn flakes covered in sugar, because there wasn’t any food in the house. Eventually, we got an eviction notice, and we had to let our extended family know what was happening, because we were afraid of being separated and put into foster care.
Thankfully, we had family who were willing to take us in, even though, painfully, it meant that Michelle and I were separated from our little sister, who went to live with our first stepfather. My mom had moved to another state, followed by her husband, and I could not believe that she had abandoned us.
The fact that we were out of that violent environment was good, but the anger and resentment that lived inside of me grew over the years.
I was angry at my mother for not choosing to leave earlier, for putting us in such an unsafe situation, and for caring more about drinking and going out than she did us. As a 15-year-old, all I could see what was in front of me. I never stopped to consider that he had threatened to kill us if she left him, that she was now an alcoholic and needed help, or that the trauma of what she had been living over those years had been affecting her in ways I would never comprehend.
It took several years for me to be able to forgive my mother. I leaned on my faith and on the fact that I loved her and wanted her in my life, even if it was from a distance. After several years of her being sober, when I found out I was pregnant, I asked my mom if she would consider moving back to Florida so that she could help me with my son. The fact that, not only had I forgiven her, but that I was willing to trust her with my own child was overwhelming to her, and she left all she knew to come help me.
Having her in my life again on a daily basis put a strain on our relationship, because it had been much easier to get along from afar. However, through it all, even the times when I wasn’t kind or respectful, my mother was there for me, there for my son, and, later my second son, and she loved and forgave me through my temper tantrums.
We’ve had some dips in the roller coaster ride of our relationship over the years, and I’ve had to learn how to forgive, let go, trust, and open my heart in order to have my mom back in my life. Sometimes I still slip and let my ego get in the way of loving her the way I want to. Sometimes I hold back, afraid of being hurt again.
But mostly, I’m just grateful.
Grateful that God gave us another chance to be together.
Grateful that my kids get to have their grandmother –who they adore – in their lives.
And grateful that, in a world that says that when you grow up in the type of environment in which I grew up, it’s likely that you’ll repeat the same patterns and that you’ll be “broken” or “traumatized” forever, not only am I able to forgive so that have a relationship with my mom, but I also have become the type of mother I hope my children think is pretty loving, pretty special, and pretty cool!
This weekend, Michelle and I will be running in the “Super Mom 5K Challenge,” and the proceeds go toward Women in Distress, an organization that helps women who are escaping domestic violence. If you’d like make a donation and help us make a difference for these women who are being courageous enough to leave everything behind so that they can protect themselves and their children, please visit our Team Page.
Is there someone in your life who could use your forgiveness?
If so, use this weekend as an opportunity to forgive, let go, and allow more love into your life!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
by heartsdesireintl | Apr 29, 2014 | Coaching, Communication, Dating, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Self-Love
by Gladys Diaz
There is a key element to making relationships work that most people tend to avoid, and that is the willingness to be vulnerable.
If you’re like most of the women I speak to, reading that sentence led to a surge of panic running right through you.
Being vulnerable can feel scary.
Why?
Because to be vulnerable means being willing to let your guard down, step out from behind your wall of fears, and open your heart to someone else without any guarantees that you will be accepted or that the attention and affection you give will be well-received or reciprocated.
Naturally, the thought of taking this type of risk is frightening, and it’s possible that you are using this fear to stop you from allowing new relationships to develop or existing relationships to take root and flourish. However, without the willingness to be vulnerable, there can be no real intimacy, and, without intimacy, you simply can’t make a relationship work.
How can you tell if you’re allowing the fear of vulnerability to impact you and your relationships? Here are some telling signs.
You don’t allow yourself to really get to know someone.
If you’re dating and you’re avoiding vulnerability, it’s likely that you decide pretty quickly – sometimes just a few minutes into a conversation or a first date – that the man you’re with isn’t a good fit. Perhaps, for example, you’re on a date and the man you’re with says or does something that you interpreted as “a sign” of impending doom for the relationship, and you decide, right then and there, that it simply wouldn’t work.
If this happens once or twice, it could be a case of “bad luck.” However, if you’re finding that this is a consistent pattern – where you rarely go out on more than one date with someone, or most of the men you are dating are never a good match – you want to consider that you are subconsciously sabotaging yourself to avoid getting close to anyone.
Not allowing yourself to get to know someone may save you some time, but it can also keep you alone. If you notice that this is a pattern for you, challenge yourself to go out on at least 2 or 3 dates with someone before deciding to not see him anymore. It’s quite possible that if you do this, and if you give yourself permission to have fun while you’re at it, you may find yourself being pleasantly surprised!
You rarely let people get to know and see who you really are.
Wanting to be accepted is a very natural desire. We enjoy knowing that people love and accept us for who we are. It’s difficult for people to make that choice, however, if we’re constantly on guard, holding back our thoughts and feelings, and not allowing others to really get to know us.
This is even more important when you beginning a new relationship, because a man simply can’t fall in love with you if you are not there! True, he may fall for your stand-in, but pretending to be someone you’re not will eventually become exhausting. What’s more, you’ll never have the reassurance you want of knowing that who you are – with all of your strengths, flaws, and quirks – is who he chooses to love.
Whether you’re just starting a relationship or you’re already in one, trust that who you are is enough for the right man to love. You won’t have to be perfect, because your imperfections will not scare the right man away. Remind yourself that a man who truly loves you will see and relate to your “imperfections” as part of what he loves about you.
Being willing to open yourself and your heart to someone else takes courage. It takes the willingness to love and accept yourself first so that you can invite the love and acceptance of someone else into your life.
And, while, yes, it can be scary, because there are no guarantees regarding what will happen after you let your guard down, what you will be guaranteeing is that you are giving yourself the best possible opportunity to welcome in and experience the type of love and intimacy your heart truly desires!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below. We love hearing from you!
by heartsdesireintl | Apr 11, 2014 | breakups, Communication, Dating, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
When we begin a new relationship, we are so happy, hopeful, and excited about sharing our love and life with a wonderful man. I honestly don’t know of anyone who gets into a relationship with the intention of causing themselves or the other person heartache. We usually begin with the intention of making the relationship work.
That’s why there’s probably nothing more frightening than being in a relationship and noticing how the love, passion, and intimacy are beginning to fade away. At first, it may not be very obvious. It can seem like your lives have just gotten busier with work, kids, and other responsibilities. Maybe you’re not kissing, hugging or having as much sex as you used to, you’re not talking or connecting as often with one another; when you are talking, it seems like you usually end up in an argument.
I speak with women almost every day who are in this situation and who are wondering if there is any hope for their relationships. The women usually fall into one of these categories.
In Denial.
If you’re in denial, then you’re ignoring the changes that are taking place. You may be rationalizing and telling yourself that this type of thing is “normal” in a relationship, that all relationships go through slumps, and that this is just a phase you and your guy are going through.
The problem with denial is that, in ignoring the fact that there may be a problem, you also avoid doing anything to fix or change what is happening. The likelihood that things are going to “just get better on their own” is slim to none. Instead, the intimacy and romance will continue to deteriorate until nothing is left and you’ll find yourself asking yourself, “What happened? How did we get here?”
In Blame Mode.
If you’re in “blame mode,” then you’ve begun looking at all of the things the man you love is doing wrong to ruin the relationship. Not only do you see everything he is doing and saying wrong, but you make sure you point it out to him every chance you get. You see where he’s not being loving or romantic, where he’s not making an effort to connect, where he’s not initiating sex. It’s blatantly obvious to you that if he would just change, then the relationship would be fine.
The problem with being in blame mode is that you are making your man responsible for everything that is not going right in the relationship, and avoiding owning up to the role you have been playing in allowing things to get to this point. Inside of blaming him, you don’t have to be responsible for what you are doing (or not doing) to impact the love and intimacy in the relationship. Regardless of whether or not he is making some mistakes, the truth is that you can’t control or change him or what he’s doing. The only person you can truly control is yourself. So, until you begin owning the part you are playing in having your relationship unravel, you can’t do anything to turn things around.
Unsure of What to Do.
If you’re a woman in this category, it’s likely that you realize that your relationship is in trouble, you are willing to acknowledge that there are things you can do to change the dynamic of the relationship, but you don’t know what those things are or how to begin making the changes. You may have tried some things on your own that either backfired or didn’t produce the results you hoped for. You may be afraid to do anything because you are scared to mess things up even further. Or you may really be afraid of trying to make changes, only to find that nothing changes.
This is the category of hope! Where there is a willingness to change, change is possible! Your uncertainty comes from not knowing where to begin. So it stands to reason that with the right information, tools, and support, you will be able to make the changes that will help shift the dynamic in your relationship!
If you fall into either of the first two categories – denial or blame mode – pay close attention, because the truth is that if you continue ignoring the changes in your relationship, pretending they are not happening, waiting for him to be the one to make the first move, and/or thinking that things are going to get better on their own, you have to know that your relationship will continue to deteriorate and will probably end.
If, however, you are willing to admit that things are not going to get better on their own, acknowledge that there are changes that need to take place, and you’re ready to do the work it will take to turn things around and reignite the love, peace, and romance in your relationship, then reach out to me so that we can talk about where your relationship is, where you would like it to be, and what you can begin doing right away to create that shift!
I’ve reserved a few slots in my schedule next week to speak specifically to women who are ready to begin transforming their relationships.
Just click here to set up a time for a Love Clarity call!
You deserve to have the happy, fulfilling relationship your heart truly desires with the man you love! Let’s connect and talk about how you can make your dreams come true!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
by heartsdesireintl | Apr 1, 2014 | Autism, Coaching, Communication, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Parenting, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
Last week, my husband and I had a conversation we’d been avoiding for years. It was something we knew we had to do. We’d talked about having the conversation, mentioned it to others, and, still, months and years went by without us having it. Why?
We were afraid of what it would mean – for us and for our family.
The conversation I’m referring to wasn’t a conversation we needed to have with one another. It was the conversation to let our older son know that he has Asperger’s Syndrome – a mild form of Autism.
We found out that our son had Autism during the summer before he begin first grade. The truth, however, is that I’d had my suspicions since the time that he was about 2 years old. There were signs that he wasn’t connecting with others, he had obsessive patterns of behavior, and changes in his schedule were very difficult for him to handle.
I even had a “secret” folder on my computer where I had been gathering research about Asperger’s Syndrome. No one knew about my suspicions, except me. For years, I carried this feeling with me, but was too afraid of what it might mean if my suspicions were confirmed.
The decision to not tell my son about his diagnosis was one that my husband and I made together. We went back and forth about the pros and cons of letting him know, considered what it would mean to him, how he might react. We were afraid of saying something that might set him off, make him feel like there was something “wrong” with him, or that he might use his diagnosis as an excuse, rather than the reason for trying harder. At the same time, we wondered if not telling him would cause just as many issues for him, with him never knowing why he felt and was sometimes treated as if he were “different.”
I can’t tell you how many times I envisioned us having this conversation with him. In each scenario, I would hear my son asking a million questions (something he does anyway), questioning who he is, why there was something “wrong” with him, how it could be cured (there is no cure for autism), and why this had to happen to him. I pictured him crying, storming out of the room, or throwing a tantrum.
The fear of what I imagined his reaction would be is one of the things that kept me delaying having the conversation. I couldn’t imagine having to have to comfort my son, answer questions I didn’t have the answers to, and explain something that, quite honestly, I understand very little about myself.
We finally decided to stop avoiding having the conversation. He’s about to go to middle school, and we want him to be able to speak up for himself if he needs help. We planned what we would tell him and decided to keep it as simple as possible, allowing him to ask questions if he wanted more information.
Last week, we sent our little one upstairs and let him know we needed to talk with him. I was sweating, cold, and trying not to cry, all at the same time. I looked at my husband. We gave each other the look that said, “We’re in this together,” and we told him in the most simple and matter-of-fact way about his diagnosis, what it meant, what it didn’t mean, and why it was important that he know about it now that he’s getting older.
He asked us some questions like, “Is this why I feel left out a lot of the time?” (that was a hard one to hear), “Is this why I’m really good at math?” (an easier one to hear), “Is this why I have trouble with my short-term memory?”
Then he asked me if I had Asperger’s, too. I told him I didn’t but that dad had learned that he might have it, and that seemed to make him feel better. Then, out of nowhere, he asked if Albert Einstein had Asperger’s. I smiled and said that, a matter of fact, doctors now believe that he did (this made him feel a lot better).
When we asked him how he felt about knowing that he had Asperger’s Syndrome, he said, something I had never imagined in any of my worst-case-scenarios.
He said smiled and said, “It feels good knowing that there is something unique about me!”
In that moment, all of my imagined fears fell away. All of the doubts I’d had about whether or not telling him was a good idea, disappeared. And I had to smile to hide back the tears.
I spent years ignoring the fact that I suspected my son had Asperger’s because I was afraid of what others would say and how they’d treat him. I was afraid of what it might mean for him and his life. But avoiding the issue didn’t make the Asperger’s go away.
I spent years avoiding telling my son about his diagnosis because I was afraid of how he might react, that it might be “devastating” for him, and that I wouldn’t know how to help him through understanding and dealing with it. But, eventually, we had to have the conversation, anyway.
I spent years carrying all of that unnecessary fear, emotional stress, and useless worrying.
And, in the end, he just felt special!
So, how does this relate to you and your relationship?
Is there something in your relationship that you’re not dealing with?
Are there signs that the intimacy in your relationship is fading?
Are you arguing more than you need to?
Are you not connecting the way that you used to?
Are you pretending that the problems aren’t there?
Is there a conversation you’ve been avoiding having?
Are you afraid of what he might say or not say?
Are you imagining a worst-case scenario in your head that is keeping you from having a discussion that might actually help turn things around?
Pretending that the problems are not there doesn’t mean the problems aren’t there, nor is it helping to solve them.
Avoiding having the conversation because you are afraid of how he might react or what might happen as a result isn’t solving anything either. It’s just delaying the inevitable, and could actually be making things worse because of your unwillingness to deal with reality.
I know it’s going to take courage to see what you may have been unwilling to see and to say what you’ve been afraid to say.
Consider that what you are imagining may be ten times worse than what actually ends up happening.
And consider that having the courage to confront reality and deal with what there is to deal with now may save you years of dealing with unnecessary worry, fear, and heartache.
If you need support with having a difficult conversation, contact us.
We can help you gather your thoughts and communicate them in a way that will help you say what needs to be said and empower you to begin turning things around in your relationship.
You don’t have to avoid things or pretend any longer, and you don’t have to face it alone!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below, we love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
I received the following question from a reader in response to the article “Why Ultimatums Don’t Work in Relationships.” 
