by heartsdesireintl | Jul 17, 2014 | Coaching, Communication, Dating, Forgiveness, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Infidelity, Intimacy, Loss of a Spouse, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance, Self-Love, Sex, Uncategorized
by Gladys Diaz
As you know, this week is “Anniversary Week,” and in celebration of Ric’s and my 14 years of marriage, I’m sharing 14 of the secrets for making love last!
In the previous blog post, I shared with you the first 7 secrets.
Below I’m sharing 7 more of the biggest lessons I’ve learned on how to make the love in a relationship last and grow stronger over time!
7. Being vulnerable is a sign of strength, not weakness: For so many years I was in “survival mode,” just trying to get through this life. Inside of that view of myself and the world, I felt like I had to take care of myself, do things myself, and give off the impression that I had it all — meaning everything in and outside of my control – handled. When I started practicing being more vulnerable – asking for help, sharing my heart, allowing my husband to see all of who I really am (warts and all) – I learned just how much courage is involved in being vulnerable and trusting him to take care of me and my heart.
8. Your past is not a predictor of your future: I didn’t have very good role models for a loving, happy, intimate relationship. I saw, heard, and went through things as child that I wish no child would have to witness or experience. And, yet, I have created an amazingly beautiful relationship with my husband and my kids get to see what love and partnership look like every day (to the point where they beg us to stop being so mushy!). No matter what your past is, if can accept it and leave it in the past, where it belongs, you get to create the type of love and life your heart desires! You really can!
9. I’m 100% responsible for my relationship: Another myth out there is that a relationship is a 50/50 deal. Not true. I’ve come to learn that I am 100% responsible for my side of this marriage – regardless of what my husband chooses to do or not do. I can’t control him or what he chooses to do or say. I can, however, control my own thoughts, words, and the ways in which I choose to respond and react to him. Being 100% responsible is great, because if you can be 100% responsible for your part in the relationship when things aren’t going very well, you also get to take 100% of the credit when it’s going great!
10. Taking care of myself is not selfish: For too many years, especially after I became a mom, I saw my role as the giver and nurturer in my marriage and family. I felt “guilty” putting myself first, taking care of my needs, pampering myself, or doing things that didn’t involve my husband and/or kids. I’ve grown to learn that the most important relationship I have to nurture is the one I have with myself, and that, when I take the time to replenish myself mentally, physically, and spiritually, not only am I a better mother and lover, but I am also a much better version of ME!
11. All he really wants is to make me happy: For many years, I complained that my husband didn’t help me enough around the house or with the kids. I felt exhausted, unappreciated, and taken advantage of. I’ve grown to learn that one of my husband’s top priorities in life is not only seeing me happy, but making me happy. Inside of his desire to provide for and protect me is his desire to please me. It’s what gives him a sense of purpose inside of our relationship. I’ve also come to learn that seeing me happy makes him feel good, but he also likes knowing that he had something to do with the smile on my face!
12. Not everything that pops into my head needs to pop out of my mouth: I’m a well-educated and many times strongly opinionated woman. For many years, I thought that “good communication” meant saying everything I thought to my husband. Too many times I ignored or didn’t even consider the impact that those words were having on him, his sense of self, or the way he thought I saw him. My words caused a lot of damage in the beginning years of our marriage. Now, I choose my words and how I express them wisely. It’s not that I weigh and measure my words, or that I’m walking on eggshells. Instead, I choose to speak words that let him know how I feel and what I want without complaining. I choose words that lift him up, rather than tear him down. I choose words that bring love and intimacy into our relationship, rather than destroy or strip it away. My thoughts and words are powerful and create my reality, so I choose to create a reality that is completely overflowing with love!
13. I get to choose how to see things: Perspective is everything. I can choose to see the fact that the kids had popcorn and pizza for lunch as evidence that my husband is unable to care for them properly, or I can see them as his way of having a fun day with them so that I could go get my hair done in peace! I can choose to see the fact that he got me a gift that I wouldn’t have necessarily gotten for myself as him being selfish or not caring about or really knowing me, or I can see it as him having seen something that reminded me of him when I wasn’t there! I can see the fact that he wants to stay home and cuddle in front of the TV as him being boring, or I can see it as evidence that there is nowhere else he’d rather be than at home with me. I’ve grown to learn that if I’m going to tell myself something about me, him, and our relationship, I can choose to tell myself things that upset, frustrate, or sadden me, or I can choose to say things that help me feel happy, peaceful and grateful. These days, I choose love, peace and gratitude above all!
14. Keeping the love alive is a daily opportunity: Having a great relationship doesn’t “just happen.” Fourteen years of being happily married and feeling just as in love as we were in the beginning (if not more) doesn’t just happen, either. Keeping the love, fun, and passion alive means making choices every day that lead to nurturing and increasing them! Doing and saying things that demonstrate your love; laughing and playing together (both with and without the kids); and ensuring that sexual intimacy is fulfilling, satisfying, and enjoyable are all part of the daily opportunities we can create to keep our romance alive. So, kiss and hug him every day, flirt with him every day, and let him know that you love him every single day!
Yes, making love last takes work, but it doesn’t have to be “hard work.” Instead, it can be fulfilling, exciting and fun!
And, isn’t that what we dream of as we are promising to share our lives and our undying love for one another at the altar on our wedding day?
For more information on how to keep the love, romance, passion alive in your relationship, be sure to get our special report, Relationship FUN-damentals: How to Keep Your Relationship Exciting, Fulfilling and FUN!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
by heartsdesireintl | Jul 11, 2014 | Coaching, Communication, Dating, Forgiveness, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Infidelity, Intimacy, Loss of a Spouse, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance, Self-Love, Sex, Uncategorized
by Gladys Diaz
15 years ago today, I had no idea just how drastically my life was about to change!
It had been just under a year since my first husband had passed away, and I was beginning to feel like myself again. I had lost weight, started a new job, cut my waist-length hair into a short, curly bob, and was about to release my first solo single – a song I had written for my late husband.
A few nights earlier, after having been stood up by an emotionally unavailable guy who I had been heavily pursuing (yuck!), my friend and I went out dancing. I had a blast that night, dancing reggae, flirting, and feeling, not like “a widow,” but like a woman – something I hadn’t felt in a long time.
A really cute guy I’d noticed when I walked into the club came up and started talking to me just as I was getting ready to leave. I almost blew him off because I thought he was too young for me, but my friend commanded me to walk back over and talk to him because she hadn’t seen me smiling that way in over a year (so glad she did!).
We danced, he asked me for my number and called me the next day, when he got off of work. We spoke on the phone for 7 hours that night and he asked me out for the following night.
I can honestly say that I didn’t have any expectations for that evening. I was just excited to be going out on a date, having fun, laughing and feeling alive again.
I believe whole-heartedly that it was this lack of expectation and just being open to having fun that led to me having one of the most romantic and unforgettable evenings of my life.
A few hours into the date, he asked me if he could kiss me. Why did he ask? Because I’d given him the run-down the night before of all of my “rules”: no kissing on the first date, no sex before marriage, what religion he’d have to be, etc. – something I now know could have completely ruined my chances of ever getting to know him, simply because I was so afraid of getting hurt. Honestly, it’s a miracle he even asked me out on a first date!
I don’t know why, but when he asked if he could kiss me, I said, “Yes,” and I’m so glad I did, because that kiss literally took my breath away (I actually had to sit down!), and, 15 years later, I’m still waiting to exhale! (Yes, I still get butterflies when he kisses me today!)
The spot where we shared our first kiss!
15 years of loving and being loved by the same person is a pretty big deal! We’ve been through a lot during these years – ups, downs, and everything in between – but thanks to the skills I practice and teach, we’re still here, and our love is stronger than ever!
On Monday we’ll be celebrating 14 years of marriage, and I can’t tell you how amazing it feels to know without a shadow of a doubt that you are loved – not because you did anything to earn or deserve it, but because the other person simply chooses to love and accept you for who you are, exactly the way you are!
This is the kind of love I know every woman on this planet can experience.
This is the kind of love I have dedicated my life to helping women attract, create, and nurture.
This is the kind of love YOU can have, too!
No matter where you are right now in your love life – single and hoping to attract the man of your dreams, a romance that is just getting started, or in relationship that feels like it’s falling apart – know that you can have and are worthy of experiencing love every day, for the rest of your life.
Does it take work to have this type of relationship? Yes, it does.
Does it take knowing the skills that help you create love, passion, and intimacy that lasts? Yes, it does.
Can I help you learn these skills? Yes, I can!
It’s my mission, my passion, and my obsession in life to teach women around the world how to begin experiencing the lifetime of love their hearts desired, and I’d love to do the same for you!
If you’re ready to begin doing the work, making the changes that need to be made, and finally experiencing the love of a lifetime, contact me to set up a Ready for Love Session, and let’s get started right away!
The clock’s ticking, life is happening, and your love-of-a-lifetime is waiting for you!
Schedule a Ready for Love Session today, and let’s get started creating YOUR love-of-a-lifetime!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
by heartsdesireintl | Jul 7, 2014 | breakups, Coaching, Communication, Dating, Forgiveness, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Infidelity, Intimacy, Loss of a Spouse, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance, Self-Love, Sex, Uncategorized
by Gladys Diaz
This weekend we celebrated Independence Day in the United States. While I’m always grateful to live in this country, on July 4th in particular I am present to how incredibly blessed I am to have the freedom and opportunities available to me!
One of the truths about freedom is that it’s never “free.” Freedom comes with a price. There are millions of men throughout history who have fought for, stood for, and given their lives so that I could enjoy the freedom I have today to create the life my heart desires.
The same holds true when it comes to you and your life. Whether or not you live in the U.S., you actually have the power to break free from the past and create a new future where you are able to experience the love and joy your heart desires! But that freedom also comes with a price.
To create the type relationship your heart truly desires, you have to be willing to let go of a few things.
You have to let go of the stories you have been telling yourself about you not being worthy or deserving enough to experience that type of love.
You have to let go of the resentment, regrets, and anger that you’ve been holding onto and have kept you bound to your past.
You have to let go of fear and be courageous enough to trust and open your heart to love once again.
Once you let go of those things that have been holding you back, keeping you stuck, and blocking you from attracting and experiencing the type of love you want, there is FREEDOM on the other side!
Freedom from pain.
Freedom from fear.
Freedom from a past that no longer serves you!
So, if you are in a place in your life right now where you feel held back, held down, and unable to move forward, I invite you to LET GO and embrace the love, happiness, and freedom that are already waiting for you!
And we’ll be there to welcome you on the other side!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
by heartsdesireintl | Jul 2, 2014 | breakups, Coaching, Communication, Dating, Forgiveness, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Infidelity, Intimacy, Loss of a Spouse, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance, Self-Love, Sex, Uncategorized
by Gladys Diaz
I received the following question from a reader in response to the article “Why Ultimatums Don’t Work in Relationships.”
Hi Gladys!
This is a completely different subject but still in the line of ultimatums. My boyfriend watched porn before we got together but we agreed he’d stop for us to be together, so he threw his CDs away. 7 months later, I found one of the “thrown away” CDs out after I came home from visiting family in a different state. He broke it and promised not to do it again. But since then, I’ve found out he’s still watching it because it was on the history (and we only have an 18mo old and one on the way, so no other adults in the house). He started deleting the history and promised once again he would not watch it because he wants us to stay together and he loves his family. Finally, today I found out he watched another one and deleted it (it had a time stamp on the computer) the other day when I went to get my haircut and our son was taking a nap.
So how do I let him know that I’m finished with his porn addiction? He needs to stop or we are gone. I love him and I know he loves us…but I can’t keep putting negative thoughts into my head when it’s not about me.
*Confused*
****************************************************************************
Dear, Confused,
I know that this can be a very sensitive topic, so I appreciate you reaching out to write about it. I can hear that you are feeling very frustrated and unsure about what to do.
People have different opinions regarding porn, and it’s clear that yours is that you don’t like it, agree with it, or want anything to do with it. Apparently, your boyfriend feels differently. He enjoys watching porn, and was doing so before getting together with you, so it’s important that you realize that his choice has nothing to do with you.
You continue looking for evidence, catching him, and telling him he has to stop. He continues to promise you that he won’t watch it anymore because he loves you, and, therefore, doesn’t want you to be upset and he wants to try to make you happy. This cycle will probably continue for as long as you continue to try to get him to stop.
The fact is that he is a grown man, and, whether or not this is a true addiction or simply something that he enjoys, telling him what he can or cannot do is something that may be okay when it comes to your 18-month-old, but not for an adult man.
In fact, the more you try to control him by telling him what he can and cannot do, the more likely he is to want to do it.
As you read in the other article, ultimatums rarely work, especially when it comes to relationships. So threatening him to leave and take your children with you may get him to stop — perhaps temporarily — but it will most likely impact the love and intimacy in your relationship because (1) you’re threatening to take your children away, and (2) you’re treating him like a child, rather than the man who is the father of your child.
Telling him what to do hasn’t worked, and threatening him hasn’t and probably won’t work. The only way he is going to stop watching porn is if he chooses to stop of his own free will.
True change only ever “sticks” when it comes from within.
So, what are your options?
Well, you say that you love him and you know he loves you. The fact that you know this tells me that he’s probably a good man and father. It also tells me that you probably don’t want to leave him. So, before you threaten to leave and take your children with you, you want to make sure that you are willing to go through with it, should he choose to continue watching porn.
Another option is letting him know that you do not want pornography in the house. By expressing your desire in this manner, you are making it about you and what you want – or, in this case what you don’t want – rather than what you want him to do or not do. This doesn’t mean that he will stop, but at least you will have expressed yourself in a respectful manner.
You can also accept that this is something that he enjoys watching, acknowledge that it has nothing to do with you or how he feels about you, and let it go. I know it probably won’t be easy, given your feelings about it. However, it is possible to respect him and his choices without agreeing with them.
If you do choose to leave and take your children with you, it’s important that you not make your choice to leave about him not wanting to stop watching porn. Instead, own your choice and make it about you not being willing or able to accept it. That way, you can be empowered in making your choice, rather than seeing yourself as a victim of his.
As I said, I know this is a sensitive topic, and you may have additional questions, so, if you’d like to talk about it some more, feel free to contact me and we’ll schedule a time to talk so that I can offer further support!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Jun 27, 2014 | breakups, Dating, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Loss of a Spouse, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Self-Love
by Gladys Diaz
If you’ve ever had your heart broken, you know how difficult it can be to find the courage to move on. One of the things that can make moving forward difficult is when you still have feelings for the other person. Memories can be tricky beasts, especially when you’re feeling lonely. Memories can remind you of all of the great moments and make you forget the reasons why the relationship ended in the first place. And loneliness can make you think that being in that relationship is better than being alone.
These thoughts and feelings can make you believe that maybe you’re not ready to move on.
How could you possibly open your heart to someone else if you still have feelings for your previous love?
Shouldn’t you wait until you no longer have any feelings for that person before beginning to date someone else?
When I lost my first husband, I honestly did not believe I would be able to love anyone ever again. I just could not imagine ever being “over” him. There wasn’t any reason for me to stop loving him, and, what’s more, I didn’t want to have to stop loving him!
When I met Ric, there was a moment where I wondered if it would be fair to him for me to continue dating him, knowing that I still loved and missed my late husband very much. Would I be leading him on? Would it be fair to him or myself to even explore the possibility of dating and getting to know one another?
When my sister, Michelle, ended the on-again-off-again dating pattern she had with Arnie, she knew she wasn’t willing to wait for him to make up his mind about whether or not he wanted to be in a relationship. She asked herself the same questions: Should I wait until I’m over him before dating someone else?
The answer?
No!
Thankfully, neither one of us chose to stop loving the man we loved before opening our hearts to someone else. In my case, it lead to experiencing 15 years of more love and happiness than I ever dreamed was possible!
For Michelle, it led to her meeting and dating another wonderful man. And when Arnie came back to her, asking her to give him another chance, she then had a choice regarding who she was going to choose to love, and she’s now married to Arnie and living in the relationship of her dreams!
Even if you still love someone else, putting your life on hold until you feel you’re over him only serves to keep you stuck right where you are.
Now, do I believe you should take some time to grieve the loss of the relationship? Yes, of course. You want to acknowledge your feelings for that person and grieve the loss of the relationship. But what you don’t want to do is keep putting your life on hold until you are completely over him!
Why?
Because, even though you may still love him, you need to love yourself even more!
Loving yourself more means that you can give yourself permission to continue loving and missing him while also giving yourself permission to open your heart to new love!
Trying to resist or ignore your feelings is only going to intensify them. Hence, the saying: What you resist persists.
So, rather than pretending you don’t love and miss him, you can acknowledge that you do and that you also love yourself enough to know that you deserve to be in a happy and fulfilling relationship with someone who loves you, too!
Once you allow yourself to feel what is there, then you can begin opening up to the possibility of meeting that someone new who will reciprocate your love and create a the type of loving relationship your heart truly desires.
And you can do it guilt-free because you’re not hiding your feelings from yourself.
As you meet and get to know new men, you’ll have new experiences, new moments of joy, new moments of feeling loved and cherished, and you may find that the feelings for your previous love getting less intense. And, while they may not disappear completely, it’s okay.
Your heart has an unlimited capacity to love. The more you expand it, the more love you are able to feel, experience, give, and receive.
So, if you’ve been putting your life and happiness on hold, waiting for your feelings for a previous love to disappear, grant yourself permission to continue loving him, and then choose to love yourself even more so that you can graciously welcome new and extraordinary love into your life!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
