by heartsdesireintl | Jun 30, 2013 | HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
Did I make a mistake and marry the wrong man?
Recently I received a question from someone who was questioning whether she married the right man for her. They’d been married for a while, and, now that the honeymoon phase was over, she and her husband were beginning to notice things about one another that they didn’t like.
It’s not uncommon for couples to begin to notice things after they are married that they may not have noticed or allowed to bother them before. Sometimes, in the excitement of falling in love and planning a wedding, people are more willing to focus on the positive aspects of the person they love. Perhaps this is a practice that should continue year after year!
One of the first exercises I do when working with a woman who is complaining about her husband and the things that he does that are getting on her nerves is to have her tell me about the man she fell in love with. Regardless of how long they’ve been together or married, I ask her to rewind back to the time when they first met and tell me what it was about him that she found attractive and endearing. I ask her to describe him to me in the present tense, as if she just met him.
What’s interesting about this exercise is that, many times, the things she is now complaining about are the things that first attracted her to him. For example, if he was funny and the life of the party, she may be complaining that he doesn’t take things seriously. If he was responsible and serious, she may be complaining that he’s boring and doesn’t want to do anything exciting. If he used to treat her and buy her lots of gifts, now she’s complaining about him not managing their finances well.
Other times, she’s begun trying to get him to change some of his habits and behaviors. The problem with this is that no one appreciates being told what he/she should/shouldn’t do or hearing the message that there’s something about themselves that they need to change. Trying to correct, fix, or change our partners sends the message that the we don’t love and accept them exactly the way they are. What’s worse, it can cause the other person to begin to withdraw from the relationship – both physically and emotionally.
The reason I have the women I work with remember who they fell in love with is because that wonderful, loving man they chose to marry – the one they couldn’t imagine living the rest of their lives without – is still there. He’s just buried under a bunch of complaints and unmet expectations.
When we remind ourselves of why we chose to marry the man we love, we can bring the focus back to the reasons why he really is the right man for us and how we did make a good choice.
Does this mean that there won’t ever be things that we don’t agree with or like? No. Just because we join our lives together doesn’t mean we’re always going to see eye to eye. It doesn’t even mean that things won’t bother us from time to time. However, if we can choose to focus on the reasons why we fell in love with him, that may help us remember what a great guy he is and just how blessed we are that he chose to love us back!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 29, 2013 | Communication, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Money Issues, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
My partner doesn’t understand money and spends it recklessly. I’m afraid we’re going to end up in the poorhouse. We can’t even bring the subject up because it immediately leads to a fight.
Ask anyone what one of the top reasons for divorce is, and they will probably say, “Money.” Contrary to public opinion – and even studies – I disagree. I don’t believe that money is the main reason people get divorced. It’s how people relate to one another when it comes to money that leads to the arguments, blame, and resentment that ultimately leads many couples to divorce one another.
So what are some of the factors that lead to having “money problems” inside of romantic relationships?
- Keeping “money secrets.” One of the reasons people have trouble when it comes to money and relationships is that, many times, they don’t discuss money issues prior to joining their lives, and, consequently, their finances. I’ve had clients who, because they are in a lot of debt feel as sense of shame around their situation, are afraid that it could cost them being in a relationship with someone they love. Hence, they’ll avoid bringing up the topic of finances until after marriage.
Granted, when we are getting to know someone, we always try to present ourselves in the most positive light. But, once you begin getting closer and consider spending your life with someone, it’s important to be honest about those issues that can potentially impact the other person. While it’s natural to be afraid when you’re unsure of how a person will react to learning something about you that’s not wonderful and exciting, it’s also important to have trust in a relationship and that begins with being truthful.
- Being afraid to join finances. Another common money issue I’ve seen come is the unwillingness of one or both of the people to join finances when they join their lives – and I’m not even talking about those that start our their marriages with a prenuptial agreement that protects them just in case the marriage comes to an end (which is a whole other blog post!). I’m referring to the fear of giving up “what’s mine” in order to begin to create “what’s ours.”
When I coach women in this area, I remind them that the real issue is not whether or not they actually join their finances with their husband, it’s dealing with the fear that has them belief that this is unsafe or that he will someone take advantage of or not provide for her needs. That is a much deeper issue than whether or not you go to the bank and open a joint checking or savings account. And, while this is a topic that calls for more coaching than I can do via this blog post, I will say that, once the fears are addressed, the woman begins to experience freedom around finances and to enjoy a very deep level of intimacy with her husband.
- The unwillingness to compromise. Before we get married, each of us has a certain way of doing things. We have a system for paying our bills on time, managing our checkbook, and tracking our spending (or not). When we get married, chances are that our new spouse also has his own way of doing these things and there’s a very good chance that it’s going to be different than our way. Coming to the conversation ready to prove that you’re right and he’s wrong is only going to have both of your defenses up. Here’s where the willingness to compromise and consider that maybe – just maybe – there is another way to do things. Being willing to accept that different doesn’t mean “wrong,” will go a long way toward avoiding those arguments you mentioned in your email.
Going back to your original question, you mention that your partner is spending money “recklessly.” Can you see how there is already a judgment that how he spends and manages money is “wrong”? For men, who have a natural desire to provide for and please women, this also sends the message that you don’t trust him to be responsible and care for you.
A better way to approach this may be just letting him know what you would like, instead of what you think he should do. For instance, letting him know that you’d really like to buy a home, go on vacation, or put money aside for retirement or an emergency fund will probably land a little bit better than pointing out all the ways he’s being irresponsible or reckless with money. Letting him know that you trust him could ignite his natural tendency to want to provide for and please you. At the very least there won’t be any accusations for him to defend himself against, which means it’s likely the conversation won’t turn into an argument.
Money issues can bring out the best and worst in people. However, the willingness to communicate, trust, and compromise are essential to creating both emotional and financial intimacy in a relationship!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 28, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, Love, Marriage, Parenting, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
I recently ended a relationship with a man that after almost two years of dating I realized was not in partnership. As much as I wanted the relationship to work out, I saw qualities in him that would not make him a good husband. I see where I could have ended this relationship sooner, but because of my age (I am 40 years old), I wanted to give it my all because I really wanted to be married and have a family. I am now glad I ended it, because I know I wouldn’t have been happy married to him. However, I now find myself at 40 years old wanting children and single. I don’t know if I want to invest another 1-2 years in another relationship and then, if it doesn’t work, out find myself unable to have children. I have looked into freezing my eggs but there is no 100% certainty that the eggs will be viable years from now. I have also looked into sperm donors. Adoption is not out of the question, but I would really like to have a child of my own. What would you advise someone like me?
Thanks for being so vulnerable and sharing this with us. Wanting to have children is one of the first responses I get when I ask a woman what it is that she wants to experience in a relationship. As a mother, I can completely understand why women want to experience this in their lives, and I wish this sort of joy on everyone! However, as you well point out in your email, being in a happy relationship and being a mother are two completely different things.
In today’s day and age, it’s become easier for women to have children, whether or not they are in a relationship. However, too many children are born into unhappy marriages, and, since you reached out to me and I’m a relationship expert and not a fertility expert, I’d like to focus on the relationship side of your question, first.
You mentioned how you probably stayed in the relationship a little longer than you could have, but chose to stay because of your age and wanting to be married and have a family. If you’ve been following my blog, you know that I completely agree with honoring your desire to be married and that I fully believe that it’s possible for every woman to be in a happy, loving relationship that lasts for a lifetime. So, I acknowledge you for trying to work things out.
However, it’s also important that you acknowledge why you really chose to stay. On the surface, it may seem that it was out of the desire to marry and have a family with him. But if there were signs way before you left indicating that you probably would not have had a happy marriage with him, then there’s probably another reason – a deep-seeded fear – that may have had you stay.
What are some of the reasons that might have a woman choose to stay in a relationship with someone who may not be right for her?
- Not being sure of what you want in a relationship: You’ve heard us say this before in our blog and at our events: If you’re not crystal-clear about what you want, you will settle for what you think you can get. Settling for less than what you want and deserve does not honor the beauty and wonder of who you are, nor will it allow you to ever feel truly fulfilled in a relationship. When you get clear about what you want in a relationship, then you are able to see what does and doesn’t align with that.
- Fear of not being loved: The fear of being alone is only out-ranked by the fear of not being loved. The fear of not having someone in our lives who will love and accept us exactly the way we are and the way we are not can drive us, again, to settle for less than what is possible for us in love and relationships. The truth is that you are already naturally love-able – able to love and be loved. The fact that you have not yet attracted the man with whom you’ll spend your life does not indicate that it will never happen. Believe that experiencing true love is possible for you!
- Fear of taking a risk: I know it can be scary to get out there and start over again. However, if what you want is to be in a happy loving marriage where you can then start creating a happy family, it’s going to take the courage and willingness to put your heart out there again. This time, however, really be clear about what you want to experience so that you don’t spend 1-2 years trying to make something work that is not leading to the kind of relationship you want to experience. Take some time to get to know different men, and, if you’re not having the experience of being happy, loved, and cherished, then have the courage to walk away and make room for the man who is willing to create that family and relationship with you.
Bringing a child into an unhappy marriage is not only unfair to the child, but it dishonors you and the love you are worthy of. So, yes, look into all of your options for having a child and choose the one that works best for you. And, if what you want to experience motherhood within a happy relationship where the two of you can be partners in life, love, and parenting, then get clear about what you want, remember that you are love-able, and be willing to take the risk to open up your heart and love again!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 27, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Infidelity, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
How do we know what we are looking for in a relationship? Especially me, who had short lived relationship of 3 ½ months, how do I change? I know everyone tells me that it’s not me but it’s hard to believe it’s not me. They tell me I shouldn’t change for someone but I would think I would have to, because if I couldn’t make this short relationship work for only 3.5 months how will I ever have a lasting long term one?
The last serious relationship I had before this short one was over ten years ago and I caught him cheating and after that I just concentrated on my son getting him through high school and college so now I need to figure how to live and find someone I can offer something to God willing?
I can hear that you are frustrated and that you really do want to be in a relationship. I also hear that you’re not exactly sure what it is that you want to experience in a relationship.
I agree with your friends that you shouldn’t have to change who you are in order for someone to love you, because you – the essence of who you are – is who you want someone to fall in love with.
There are, however, thoughts, behaviors, and patterns that don’t serve us or stop us from having what it is that we want to experience, that we may need to change. The first step, however, is to address the question at the beginning of your email: How do we know what we are looking for in a relationship?
You mention having had your heart broken twice – once as a result of a betrayal, and the other after your last relationship. Having your heart broken is never easy, and it can seem even more painful when the heartache is due to someone betraying the trust we placed in them. I’ve also found that it’s not uncommon for women to focus on other things – their children, their careers, their hobbies and interests – as a way to avoid the possibility of having to experience that sort of heartache again.
The problem is that, if what your heart truly desires is to be in a relationship, even if you find pleasure and satisfaction in the other things you are focusing on, part of you may always feel unfulfilled, because you are not honoring that desire. The only way to truly feel fulfilled is to honor our truth and to be willing to take a risk – yes, even one that involves potential heartache – in order to experience what we truly want.
You ask how you can truly know what you want in a relationship. Many times, women will begin to list what it is they want to find in a man or the type of man with whom they want to be in a relationship. However, the love and happiness we seek will never be found in another person. That’s way too much responsibility and pressure to put on another human being who is already dealing with being responsible for his own happiness. Instead, what you want to focus on is how you want to feel within that relationship. What is the type of experience you’d like to have?
When you think about or envision yourself being in a “happy relationship,” what does that mean?
What does it feel like? What are the emotions you feel that let you know that you know that you know that this is it?
What does it look like? How do you relate to one another? What are the things you do that let both of you know that you are exactly where you’ve always dreamed you’d be inside of a relationship?
What does it sound like? What are the words that you speak and say to one another? How do you speak to one another? What’s the experience of speaking and being heard by one another like?
Really try to envision yourself in the type of relationship you dream of being in.
If you’re still not sure of what that dream relationship would be like, picture couples who you consider to be happy together. What do you notice when you observe them? What makes it seem like theirs is a good relationship?
Don’t rush to answer. Give it some thought. Many of us have not asked ourselves these types of questions, because we’re so focused on meeting him and on how he needs to look, be, and act that we don’t always think about what it is we’d like to create with him – whoever he is – once we attract him into our lives.
So, take your time, allow yourself to dream big, and then begin to live and be the qualities you’d like to see in your dream relationship so that you can attract someone who also wants to create that with you!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 26, 2013 | breakups, Communication, Dating, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Infidelity, Love, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
For the past four weeks, I’ve been in a relationship with a guy who acted so serious and told me to stop seeing other guys. He would get mad if he came to my house and I was not around. Two days ago, I checked his phone and found out a girl is presently pregnant by him. I asked him to explain and he said he couldn’t and started blaming me for touching his phone, so I left. He hasn’t called me since I left his house. I won’t call him again, but do you think I did the right thing?
The first thing that popped into my head when I read your email was “What had you want to check his phone?” Could it have been your intuition?
In working with women, I often hear that they feel that they can’t trust their intuition, because “it’s broken.” They refer to examples of times when they were suddenly surprised by infidelity or discovering an addiction or physically abusive tendencies in their boyfriends or husbands, or realizing that they guy just wasn’t the right man for them. Upon speaking with the women a little more at length, we discover that many of the signs had been there all along. They just chose to ignore the red flags so that they wouldn’t have to make the choice to leave. Usually, the choice to ignore red flags and alarms that may be going off is based on fear and not wanting to recognize that the relationship is not really what we want, so that we don’t have to make the choice to walk away.
Here are some questions I invite you to ask yourself so that you can have more clarity about what happened and what it is that you want, moving forward:
- You mentioned that you’ve been in a relationship with this man for four weeks. How long did you date him before you chose to become exclusive?
- Did you give yourself an opportunity to get to know him well before choosing to stop seeing other men?
- How did it make you feel when he got angry if you weren’t home? Did you feel safe? …afraid? Did you take it as a positive sign?
- And, finally, do you want him to call you back knowing that he is about to have a baby with someone else and did not tell you about it? If so, why is that?
There’s nothing “wrong” with him having a baby with someone else if they are no longer together. I think that may have you feeling upset is that he did not tell you about this. Another question you may want to ask yourself is whether a new baby being in the picture is something you feel you are ready and willing to deal with to deal with so this early in a relationship?
You ask whether I think that you did the right thing. If you’re referring to looking through his phone, I have to say “no,” because that was not respectful of his privacy. However, I think the bigger question is why you felt compelled to look through his phone in the first place. That may give you the answer that will make the biggest difference for you, moving forward.
If you’re referring to whether or not you made a good choice by leaving and not calling him back, I do believe that those were good choices you made if you felt unsafe in any way or if the conversation was turning into an argument. Sometimes, it’s best to walk away and take some time to gain clarity about how you feel and what it is you want so that you can make a choice that empowers you and is aligned with what your heart desires.
I invite you to the time to ask yourself the questions above so that you can get the closure you want for yourself. And, of course, free to reach out to me if you’d like some additional support in working through this.
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 24, 2013 | Communication, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
When does asking turn into nagging?
I often invite my husband to speak to the ladies who attend my training sessions, just so that he can share what it’s like to be in a relationship on the receiving end of the principles that I teach. About 99% of the time you can count on someone asking him, “What can I do to get my husband to help me?”
His answer: “Don’t nag him about it.”
I think it’s tempting to think that if we remind a man about what we said we wanted or needed, what he said he’d do, and the promises we made him make that he will somehow, suddenly, be inspired to do it. What I’ve found, however, is that you’d be hard-pressed to find a single man on this planet who has ever been inspired to do something because he was nagged to do it.
Now, this doesn’t mean that men won’t give in, just so that the nagging will stop. Many will. Why? Well, another golden nugget of information my husband has shared is this:
Men don’t like drama. Mostly, they just want to have peace – peace of mind, peace in their homes, and peace in their relationships. They’ll do it, not because the nagging was effective, but because they are more interested in having the nagging stop than they are to having to sit there and listen to it again. What this does is it cheats us out of having him do something because he wants to, instead of because he feels he has to in order to avoid the nagging and bickering.
So, how can we let our men know what we want and would like, instead of nagging them to death?
- Be clear about what you want (or don’t want). Unless you know what you want, it’s hard to express that to someone else. So, rather than focusing on what you think he should do, just focus on the end result. For example, if what you’d like is to go out, instead of staying home, rather than nagging him about never taking you out by saying something like, “I’d really like to go out this weekend.” Instead of nagging him to paint the living room again, say something like, “I’d really like to finish redecorating the living room.”
- Stay focused on you not on what you want him to do. Use statements that begin with the phrases, “I want…,” “I don’t want…,” “I prefer…” For example, you could say things like, “I want to cook my favorite desert, but I don’t want to wash the dishes” or, “I want to go dancing, but I don’t want to stay out too late. “ Each of these statements keep you focused on you, rather than on what you want him to do.
- Remember that men love to please women. Almost nothing makes a man as happy as know that he has something to do with how happy the woman he loves is. If you can remember that men love to please women, then you can present what you’d like as an invitation, instead of an obligation. In other words, if you express what you’d like purely, free from expectations or judgments about how and by when it must be done, he’ll be more inclined to want to help you because you haven’t treated him like a child or given him orders about what he needs to do.
When we remember to focus on what we want, and express that desire in a way that invites him to help and please us, he gets the pleasure of not being nagged all the time and we get the pleasure of having our desires fulfilled! Sounds like a win-win to me!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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