This week my heart has been heavy. I’ve heard from three different women who have reached out to tell me that their marriages are ending. It’s heartbreaking for me to hear news like this. Marriage is such a sacred, precious union. When two people choose to join their lives because they love each other, they do it fully expecting the love that they feel for one another to grow stronger over the years. They do not get married hoping to hurt, disrespect, and kill the love they once felt for one another. I’m the first one to admit that having a wonderful marriage takes work. It’s a daily commitment to being my best self so that I can have the love, happiness, and peace in my marriage that envisioned when we first got married. It wasn’t always like this for us. We went through rough patches, just like every other couple. There were times when I wondered if we’d make it. I remember noticing that things were changing between us. I remember asking myself where the love, passion and fun we used to share had gone. We were arguing more often, rarely having fun together, and I carried my resentment like a badge of honor. We were not hugging, kissing, or sleeping together as often and there were many nights when I cried myself to sleep. Our marriage didn’t get to that point over night. There were signs along the way. Things had been getting bad for a while. And I silently prayed and hoped that things would change. One day I decided I couldn’t ignore what was happening any longer. I couldn’t just keep hoping and praying that things would get better. I knew I had to do something in order to transform who I was being so that I could help turn my marriage around. I began doing my inner work, sought out mentors and coaches who would help and hold me accountable, and began experiencing the inner shift that began having a very real effect on my marriage. It took some work and it didn’t happen overnight, but soon the constant arguing stopped. We were holding hands and smiling at each other again. We began laughing and kissing and making love again. My transformation helped transform my relationship and I began to see the man I’d fallen in love with in a whole new light! If you’re going through a difficult time in your marriage (or you know someone who is), don’t ignore the signs. Don’t pretend you don’t see them, and certainly don’t think that things are just magically going to get better on their own. They won’t.
In today’s video I do something I rarely do because of how protective I am of the time I have with my family on the weekends. However, I’m really committed to making a difference, so I’m offering to talk with a few of you who are ready to begin turning your marriage around this weekend.
Now, here’s the deal.
There are thousands of women reading this email right now and I’m only opening a few spots, because I still want to spend time with my husband and kids. I also only have two spots available in my private coaching program. So, I’m asking that you reach out to me only if you are serious about investing in and doing the work you’ll need to do to turn your marriage around before it’s too late.
I’m not giving you the link to my calendar. If you want to speak with me this weekend, send me an email. It will be a first-come-first serve basis and I will let you know the times I have available, which will be mid-morning/early afternoon Eastern time.
I know in my heart that you don’t have to suffer and that by applying certain skills and practices you can transform your marriage. I’ve helped hundreds of women do this and I want to help you, too.
The signs are there and the time is now. If you’re ready to turn things around, hit reply and let’s talk!
One of the most common complaints we get from women is that they feel like they don’t know how to communicate with men. This is true for single women, as well as those who are married and in relationships. There is simply a feeling that they are not being heard.
The main problem is usually that the opposite is true.
If you’re like most women, the truth is that you’re probably talking way too much!
Stay with me, here!
As a woman, you use about three times as many words as most men in a single day. You have the unique ability to be able to have a thought, connect a feeling to it, and connect that thought and feelings with words. And then you have the uncanny ability to speak those words – sometimes over, and over, and over again.
Usually, the over-talking comes from fear.
Fear that you won’t get what we want.
Fear that you’ll upset the other person.
Fear that you have to somehow justify why you want you want.
When those fears get in the way during conversations, over-talking is used as a way to try to convince the other person to agree with you, to pacify the other person, or to make a case for why what you want is important or necessary.
The problem is that, when you begin to talk too much, a man simply can’t hear what you are saying.
The desire, feeling, or need gets buried under a mountain of words, reasons, excuses, and justifications.
In order for him to get the point of what you are saying, your man needs to dig himself out from under all of that, which can feel overwhelming. Hence, the “glazed-over stare”!
If he feels like he is being pressured or manipulated into agreeing with something, he will resist, which will have him automatically get on the defensive. Now, you’ve become “the enemy.”
If he feels as if he’s being disrespected in any way, he’ll withdraw or completely shut down. Welcome to the cold shoulder or silent treatment.
In any of these cases, no matter how much you talk, he won’t hear you.
In fact, the more you talk, the less likely he is to hear you, because he’ll either be overwhelmed and unable to hear you, on-guard and only interested in defending himself, or shut down and disconnected from you.
Either way, you’re not getting what you want in that conversation: Connection
So, how can you speak in way where you can say what you want to say and have him hear you?
Get Clear. If you know that you tend to get wordy or long-winded you speak, make sure you’re clear about what you want to say. Talk it out with a friend before you bring it to him. If you have no one to talk to at the moment, speak it into your phone and record yourself, then listen to the recording. This way, you can hear what it’s like to be on the receiving end of what you are planning to say. (This can be such an eye-opener!)
Keep it Simple. Once you’re clear about what you want to say, see if you can get it down to a 3-5 word sentence. If you can’t, consider you’re trying to say too much. Also, avoid adding reasons and justifications to what you are sharing. Keeping the message simple not only helps you feel clear about what you’re saying, but allows him to hear you more clearly.
Take a Breath. Once you’ve clearly and succinctly said what you want to say, take a breath and stop talking. If you know that’s hard for you to do, take a breath and drink some water or put some food in your mouth! I know it sounds funny, but you’re going to have to train yourself to trust that once you’ve said what you want to say clearly, he’s heard you.
Listen. If he chooses to respond, listen to what he says without interrupting, contradicting, or defending your position. Give him an opportunity to respond and say what he thinks. Remember, he may not agree. That doesn’t mean he didn’t hear you. It just means he has a different opinion or feeling about it. Just listen to what he’s saying.
Allow there to be spaces of silence. There may be times when he doesn’t immediately respond to what you’ve said. Respect the silence and don’t make it mean that something is “wrong.” Men don’t have the same ability we have to almost immediately connect thoughts to feelings and words. Their brains work differently and, many times, they need more time to process what’s been said. And, as I tell my clients: He can’t hear his thoughts if he’s only hearing yours!
Communication in any relationship is critical, but this doesn’t only refer to the “talking” part of the equation.
So, the next time you’re going to speak with a man, remember to get clear about what you want to say, say it simply and clearly, then take a breath and listen. I promise it will feel like a whole new experience that will lead to a lot more closeness and connection!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
The other day, Michelle and I had a very powerfulinterview with Bill Weil for his “Conscious Couples Conversation” program.
In this interview, we dove deep and talking about some of the most common questions we get asked when it comes to relationships, including:
The higher purpose of relationships
The difference between how men and women define and experience love and respect
The natural power women have to create and transform relationships
The most common mistakes women make in relationships
The essential ingredients for having a loving, intimate relationships
The 3 R’s for keeping the love alive in your relationship
How to have win-win arguments
And a lot more, including:
An interesting story about the “twin connection” Michelle and I share
How Michelle and I work together to coach women
A beautiful excerpt from Michelle and Arnie’s wedding vows (so moving!)
Whether you are single or in a relationship, you will walk away from listening to this interview with a HUGE amount of information and inspiration for creating a loving, intimate, relationship!
Click the image below to listen to this POWER-FULL conversation!
Comment? Question about the interview? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Yesterday was my husband’s birthday, and, at our house, I love making a big deal when it’s someone’s birthday by celebrating “Birthday Week.” During this week, the person gets to choose what we watch on TV, what we eat for dinner, and, basically is made to feel special all week long by everyone else in the house!
Well, Sunday night, I almost ruined Birthday Sunday for my husband. The boys had misplaced the remote control for the TV (again) and were arguing about it in the playroom. It was already late and past their bedtime, so my honey and I were ready for our “alone time,” so we could watch our shows and relax together.
When I saw that my husband was getting upset at the boys for arguing, I jumped in to “help.”
(Mistake #1 – Offering Unsolicited Help: Stepping in “to help” without there being a need or a request for it. This sends the message that you feel he is incapable of resolving the issue on his own. Instead, trust in your partner’s capability to resolve the situation himself. If he needs help, he’ll ask for it. By the way.. he probably won’t.).
The truth is that there really wasn’t any reason for me to jump in to “help.” My husband had the situation handled. I jumped in because didn’t want him to be upset with the boys (especially on Birthday Weekend) and I just wanted the arguing to stop. Now, even though these might be “good reasons” for stepping in, had I stayed on the couch and allowed him to handle things, it probably would have been resolved right away.
Instead, I jumped in and noticed that, the more I tried to “help,” the more angry he was getting. At first I thought he was angry with the kids, but, in retrospect, I can see that he must have felt like I didn’t trust him to handle the situation.
I did an exercise I do with the kids that helps them to remember where they last saw and held something, and, the remote was found!
(Victory #1 – Resolving the problem. This was short-lived, however, because of Mistake #2!)
Now, if I’d just left it at that, everyone would have felt happy, relieved, and the situation may have been over. However, for some reason, I simply had to make sure that I emphasized (rather loudly) that this is what you should do when you can’t find something.
(Mistake #2 – Proving I’m Right and You’re Wrong: This is an ego-driven need to prove the other person wrong. While there may be a sense of “victory” in having been “right,” essentially, there is no “winner” in this situation because your partner is left feeling as if he’s wrong or in some way “lesser than” you.)
Then, to prove my point further, as my husband was talking to the boys about them being responsible so that they don’t lose things, I butted in again to mentioned that things in the house don’t get “lost”; they simply get “misplaced.”
(Mistake #3 – Wanting to be “Right” AGAIN: This adds salt to the already-tender wound. By correcting or contradicting your partner, you once again disrespect him by pointing out how “right” you are. There is no demonstration of support or encouragement for your partner, which can leave him feeling upset and alone).
Well, that did it.
My husband yelled, “Okay, things in the house don’t get ‘lost,’ they are ‘misplaced! Is that better?’”
Now he was in an official funk…and so was I.
I was upset at myself for getting involved, sending the message that he couldn’t handle a simple situation, and that I was the one with the “right” solution. I saw how disrespectful and condescending I’d been. I was ashamed and angry with myself, especially since that’s not the way I am committed to treating my husband.
I wish I could say that I immediately apologized and that we were soon in a snuggly, blissful space, but that wouldn’t be true. It took me a while to get to the point that I could forgive myself enough to apologize to him. I made a first attempt to apologize, but I have to admit that it wasn’t very sincere. It came from a place of trying to “fix” things. I think he could tell, because he remained cold.
A little while later, I noticed it was past midnight (we always try to be the first to wish the other a Happy Birthday). I moved closer to him on the couch, looked him in the eye, and said, “I’m sorry I disrespected you, and I know you’re upset. I just want to say ‘Happy Birthday.’”
He leaned forward, we kissed, and I snuggled up next to him and said a prayer of thanks. (smile)
In the past, I wouldn’t have apologized. I would have made it seem like it was not such a big deal and then made him wrong (again) for not forgiving me right away. Now, even when it’s hard, I choose to apologize – because that’s something I can be responsible for – and give him space to work through his own feelings.
(Victory #2: Sincerely Apologizing. It’s not always easy to admit when you’re wrong. However, if you can put aside your pride and realize that what’s more important than being right, staying angry, or pretending like nothing happened is restoring the intimacy in the relationship, then you also recognize that it’s really a small price to pay. And now you’ve got a win-win situation going!)
Having a loving and intimate relationship isn’t about perfection. You may not always say or do the right things.
So what can you when you’ve made a mistake that impacts the closeness and connection in your relationship?
You can continue to focus on becoming your best self.
You can forgive yourself and ask for forgiveness along the way for those times when you don’t reflect the best side of yourself.
And you can recommit to restoring intimacy in your relationship.
In doing all of these things you can be confident that you are on the path to creating the happy, loving, intimate relationships your heart truly desires.
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
This is a completely different subject but still in the line of ultimatums. My boyfriend watched porn before we got together but we agreed he’d stop for us to be together, so he threw his CDs away. 7 months later, I found one of the “thrown away” CDs out after I came home from visiting family in a different state. He broke it and promised not to do it again. But since then, I’ve found out he’s still watching it because it was on the history (and we only have an 18mo old and one on the way, so no other adults in the house). He started deleting the history and promised once again he would not watch it because he wants us to stay together and he loves his family. Finally, today I found out he watched another one and deleted it (it had a time stamp on the computer) the other day when I went to get my haircut and our son was taking a nap.
So how do I let him know that I’m finished with his porn addiction? He needs to stop or we are gone. I love him and I know he loves us…but I can’t keep putting negative thoughts into my head when it’s not about me.
*Confused*
I know that this can be a very sensitive topic, so I appreciate you reaching out to write about it. I can hear that you are feeling very frustrated and unsure about what to do.
People have different opinions regarding porn, and it’s clear that yours is that you don’t like it, agree with it, or want anything to do with it. Apparently, your boyfriend feels differently. He enjoys watching porn, and was doing so before getting together with you, so it’s important that you realize that his choice has nothing to do with you.
You continue looking for evidence, catching him, and telling him he has to stop. He continues to promise you that he won’t watch it anymore because he loves you, and, therefore, doesn’t want you to be upset and he wants to try to make you happy. This cycle will probably continue for as long as you continue to try to get him to stop.
The fact is that he is a grown man, and, whether or not this is a true addiction or simply something that he enjoys, telling him what he can or cannot do is something that may be okay when it comes to your 18-month-old, but not for an adult man.
In fact, the more you try to control him by telling him what he can and cannot do, the more likely he is to want to do it.
As you read in the other article, ultimatums rarely work, especially when it comes to relationships. So threatening him to leave and take your children with you may get him to stop — perhaps temporarily — but it will most likely impact the love and intimacy in your relationship because (1) you’re threatening to take your children away, and (2) you’re treating him like a child, rather than the man who is the father of your child.
Telling him what to do hasn’t worked, and threatening him hasn’t and probably won’t work. The only way he is going to stop watching porn is if he chooses to stop of his own free will.
True change only ever “sticks” when it comes from within.
So, what are your options?
Well, you say that you love him and you know he loves you. The fact that you know this tells me that he’s probably a good man and father. It also tells me that you probably don’t want to leave him. So, before you threaten to leave and take your children with you, you want to make sure that you are willing to go through with it, should he choose to continue watching porn.
Another option is letting him know that you do not want pornography in the house. By expressing your desire in this manner, you are making it about you and what you want – or, in this case what you don’t want – rather than what you want him to do or not do. This doesn’t mean that he will stop, but at least you will have expressed yourself in a respectful manner.
You can also accept that this is something that he enjoys watching, acknowledge that it has nothing to do with you or how he feels about you, and let it go. I know it probably won’t be easy, given your feelings about it. However, it is possible to respect him and his choices without agreeing with them.
If you do choose to leave and take your children with you, it’s important that you not make your choice to leave about him not wanting to stop watching porn. Instead, own your choice and make it about you not being willing or able to accept it. That way, you can be empowered in making your choice, rather than seeing yourself as a victim of his.
As I said, I know this is a sensitive topic, and you may have additional questions, so, if you’d like to talk about it some more, feel free to contact me and we’ll schedule a time to talk so that I can offer further support!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
This website uses cookies to improve your experience. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish.AcceptRead More
Privacy & Cookies Policy
Privacy Overview
This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these cookies, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience.
Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. These cookies do not store any personal information.
Any cookies that may not be particularly necessary for the website to function and is used specifically to collect user personal data via analytics, ads, other embedded contents are termed as non-necessary cookies. It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website.
